The amazing part of being me is that I survived a rough time in my life. From time to time I dared to dream of a life that belonged to anyone else but me. I couldn’t see the trees through the forest.
A normal relationship seemed like an impossible dream. There were times while licking my wounds that I would imagine a new life for us. Or that my ex would actually change as he promised.
After time went on, I thought that if this is all there is for God to take me and my children. That I didn’t feel as though I could endure anymore. I couldn’t gather up any more courage or strength to fight my abuser.
Of course the all-important question: “God why me?”
“What did I do to deserve this?”
“God, why do you let him continue to do this to these kids or me?”
I blamed God for many of the issues I got myself into. It’s a human thing to do. Have you heard of freewill? We all have it.
I trusted God but wavered a lot. It’s normal. I put myself where I was. I chose the path I took. I made the conscious choice to believe my abuser’s lies about harming my family if I didn’t stay with him. I allowed him to guide my path and let God just tag along.
I didn’t heed to voice and times in my life when I should have jumped out of the situation I was in. There were plenty of chances that I can see now looking back. Those years seem so foreign to me. It’s almost like another life. That is another person with bad memories. Someone else went through a terrible spot in her life. And an occasional Panic attack. Man! Where do those come from? Like a pimple they seem to come out of nowhere. I am still learning about what my triggers are.
I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve grown a lot. I don’t have all the answers and wish I could say a prayer so that all the pain will go away but I can only do so much. I rely on God to get me through, as He always had. He’s walked with me when I was bruised, crying and desperate. He never gave up on me!
I’m one of His children that He wants so much for. Success. Happiness. A good life.
I’m grateful for all I have –
An adoring Husband. There are bumps here and there but nothing we can not endure or get through together.
5 great kids- I miss my oldest Son terribly! I still pray someday we will have some sort of relationship. And my girls are still holding on to much of the anger and heartache that they have. This is a big struggle for all of us!
Farm with a old house attached.
Furry and feathered critters that bring me such joy to watch and tend to.
Despite our limited finances I was able to finally find a job and Terry is Mr. Mom! He has found great joy in being able to do so.
We have a fridge of food.
A car that runs.
For the most part good health.
A safe place to live- My ex doesn’t know where we live as far as we know
We have money to get us by. It’s by no means a lot. (I can’t get my nails done or spurlge on a monthly hair cut) But it is all we need to help pay the bills and occasionally get a take out or a few DVD’s.
I still get to play with a glue gun and glitter!
I still have a fondness for antiques and hope to get a booth space soon.
I hope to have my Doula biz get going and the farm to take off with some things I dreamed up.
It’s not all perfect. I keep positive and try to focus on the good in my life. I could whine about my job being not quite what I want . My daughters have a real hard time with learning what “Normal” is and we argue often about authority, treating adults with respect and just doing what is asked (chores or helping around the house). Arguing about going to church or coping helping them try to deal with past memories (They want to forget and the repression comes out in bitterness and anger at various times).
My health issues seem to change with the wind and I’m pretty uncomfortable every day physically and sometimes mentally. We live without any extra frills, yet I don’t feel I need to get my nails done or hair cut all the time. I don’t run out and get the newest clothes or accessories for us. I shop at resale shops and garage sales. You may find me even in a dumpster looking for some tossed treasure to re-purpose.I am in a much better place then you would have found me almost 4 years ago at the end of this month.
I hope you find your fairytale! I hope you don’t give up in doing so! No matter what your dream of a fairytale or a happily ever after is, don’t give up! You can do it! I’m praying for you!
*Not for the faint of heart on a side note*
I had a amazing moment when I realized I pooped for the third time today! I have been doing this for a few years now. I know gross right, TMI! Where am I going with this? Over 4 years ago I was lucky if I went once a week due to stress. I have become more regular in the past few years. But for some reason today it was amazing to me! I don't lose my hair anymore. No heart palpitations. No nervous twitching (unless I'm dealing with something related to my ex). YEA ME! Sorry I came home and had to tell Terry my epiphany, he just shook his head and listened. I'm a lucky girl! He has amazing patience and love.
No more potty talk! I promise!