Done!

I have to admit to being on the verge of crying after I finished the text messages and not so much for the content but for the shame and hurt I still feel. Even though almost 3 years have passed the ache in my heart has not left. The fear. The raw emotions immediately after leaving are gone but the other emotions are still very close to the surface.

Terry has to take a short trip to look at a few handy man projects for a family member but he could be gone awhile. Before he left I told him I would run to the hardware store to pick up some seed packets that are on sale and maybe do a few more errands but as he reminded me that would take me into Crazy Man territory and since he is "Unemployed" at this time I may run into him.

I just sighed, now I am hesitant to go now. Terry said that he would tag along tomorrow if I could wait to run around... I wish Crazy Man could just leave us alone. I feel as though my safe place is under fire again because I am sure he will try to figure out how to find us. I have no doubt in my mind about this. I am sure since he was unable to really ask the girls questions about home he is itching to figure it out.

I sent off the text messages to my attorney and the reply back was that as disturbing as the messages were,Crazy Man "CAN" text or email me as long as it is concerning parenting or parenting time. And he "CAN" call the girls as stated in an earlier ruling in 2010. Go figure! He has to have supervised visits but they can be allowed to talk to him unsupervised on the phone?! HUH?! I remembered that this was the same court date that they lost our case and I believe the Magistrate made a uninformed decision on concerning the telephonic communications between him and the girls unsupervised.

I am trying to lose myself in things around the farm and excited to show pictures from the place. But in case Crazy Man is checking out my blogs I can't. I show some but not of the exact place or too much of the surroundings. It's a drag but for the time being I don't want him to know the exact location until I know he won't stalk us here. Wishful thinking!

Here are a few pictures of Christmas for your enjoyment...

 Built- in Sideboard! We found some great stemware in a barn that are just lovely!

 The pantry that was just a hole in the wall, but had been a pantry back in the day. Terry patched holes, made shelves and found a stool for me (I'm kind of shrinking as the years go by)!

 The other wall to hang up my apron, cast iron trivets and of course our pencil sharpner! I love my pantry!

Vision boards and positive thoughts

Sometimes it is so hard to be uplifting to others and myself. I really need to dig out some magazines to make a real vision board but for the time being here is a snippet of really nice words of encouragement.

Remember you aren't alone

You can do whatever you put your mind to

You are capable of taking care of yourself

Text messages and countdown to Independence day year 3!

I'm sitting here typing out passed text messages to email to my attorney for my ever growing file. Terry suggested I stop if I feel melancholy... Oh that feeling was after re-reading the first text message. I have went through about 20 so far and have 112 left to type. I feel a little disturbed, so I am taking a much needed break! The baby just went down for a nap, Terry and his brother went to his Mom's house. So, it's nice and quiet.

So, to bring you up to speed, R found out we moved from the court, not surprising. What is surprising is how long it took for him to be notified about the PO Box. I was so sure he would have found out before Christmas as a matter of fact our household and his Mom were waiting for that bomb to fall.

I received a voice message from him about that. He said,  Hey Melinda this is your husband. How is the house in Demotte? The court order says I get to talk to the girls. You disconnected the other number and I gave you time. The court order says I can talk to my girls and I want to hear from them tonight not from Terry from you or the girls.

Can you spell Creepy? He doesn't give a crap about the girls, he is upset that we moved and he doesn't know where we are. He can't stalk us/me out here and it's bugging him. Case and point, a day later Children's Treehouse calls and says R scheduled an appointment to see the girls on Sat (1/14) for an hour visit. I of course obliged, though hesitantly.I know he only wants to try to pump information about our whereabouts from them. He couldn't give a darned otherwise.

I did call my attorney and let him know about the call as well as the meeting. I know the court didn't order any type of arrangement for him to talk to the girls, besides it being a "SUPERVISED" visit. DUH! I don't know how stupid he thinks I really am! I'm so annoyed but yet worried at the same time. Not sure whether to throw-up or be angry. Of course these are just my personal opinions. He is going to lie and say he genuinely wants to visit with them because he misses them. BULL HOCKEY!

During my chat with the attorney he informed me that R wants to decrease his child support due to him being seasonal and unable to afford what he is paying for now. Funny, the original order for support was cut so low due to our debt at the time, which since we filed for bankruptcy is GONE! He lost the house so no house bill. WHAT THE HECK!? He works for CASH, he went from making $52,000 on paper in 2010 to making $22,000 in 2011?! He has made over $70,000 in years passed due to getting cash under the table. But I didn't take any paperwork to prove my accusations. I have heard from people he works with that the company is working a bunch of hours despite R claims of the contrary. SIGH!

The night before and the day of the meeting was nerve wrecking for all of us. The trip to the Treehouse had us all pretty quiet and that is totally unusual for us 4. I guess we were all lost in our own thoughts and worries. I didn't want the girls to give away where exactly they went to school or details about our place. He would find us in a snap if he knew details about our place or he would narrow our home down in no time. Of course I didn't want to coach the girls at all. Despite it all I still tell them to respect they're Dad. I don't believe he is worth the salt in my tears but he is still their father and they should at least respect the title, though I don't feel he is worthy.

I liked the fact that the girls were given a choice about seeing him before the meeting. I hoped they would say no, so I looked the other way, as if they could hear my thoughts out loud or see NO written all over my face. They briefly talked about it and decided to just see how it went this time. They were also informed that they could end the visit anytime they wanted to. I said see you later and have fun. I prayed all went well. Reassured they had a guard to watch them and the visit was recorded.

The girls said they had a fine time. They played Uno for the hour and made small talk. The only question he asked is how was school. I am guessing since someone was recording and staying in the room with them he had little or no choice but to be a good lad. We made sure no one was following us and even now I am finding that I am paranoid again that he or someone he hired is following me again. For the time being he only knows of the PO Box. I am unsure if the court will order me to give our physical address.

His Mom was fretting about him finding out she knew of the move and about the PO Box before he did. We still talk on and off. Though I was told not to trust her and I can't say I do anymore. It makes me kind of sad since I practically grew up in her house.

She has said he recently had several Bipolar episodes leaving her tired, annoyed and nervous about anytime he calls or comes by. He has been working on remodeling the basement for his sister to stay with his parents since MAY! He can never just get a project done, he puts it off or makes excuses or walks off the job due to an attitude. I gave her my sympathy and chuckled that he was her problem now. She said, Gee, thanks Mel! And don't tell him we talked. He says things and I know I only tell you about them. So you must be telling him we talk.

OH YES! During coffee he and I chatted about BLAH! BLAH!BLAH! What the HECK?! I told her I don't talk to him if I can help it. And certainly not about anything to do with her or his family. I don't want anything more to do with that psycho then I have to.

I received several emails from him about his horoscope and mine, oh and that marriage retreat is coming up soon. GROAN! It is almost 3 years, Independence day is on the 25th of Feb! Time flies!
Can you believe that this craziness has been going on this long? I was reassured by my attorney that R won't give up. He has seen those that are aggressive and obsessed with they're partners and they don't just give up when the finalization papers are signed. Well, isn't that lovely? I know in the back of my mind this is true. But I am praying he will just fade into the darkness and leave me alone. Heck, he doesn't have to pay me a dime of child support if he would just go away. Never to see the girls again.

Wishful thinking...

He knows we moved

I received 2 calls from his Mom's number.
I didn't answer either.
It went to voicemail.
He said, "Melinda this is your husband", he talked about knowing we are in Demotte, that I blocked his number, disconnected the other number and he can not talk to "His" girls. According to him I am in "Violation of the court's order." I was to call him to let him talk to the girls, not Terry!
SERIOUSLY?!
What the heck?!
I kind of feel as though my safe haven is broken. Though I know he had to be notified of the move. I am surprised he didn't find out sooner and I am thankful it is only the PO Box address I was able to give. I know if he finds out the physical address he will be out here stalking us.
I still feel crappy from the remnants of the flu so my stomach and appetite is just not there. But after the call, I feel a all too familiar tummy ache that acts up when he pops into my mind or life again.
The fact that gets me is that he reminds me that "HE" is my husband. He gives marriage a bad wrap. I don't want to be anyone's wife again. The word "Husband" conjures up his face and makes me want to puke.
I have 3 emails from him. I haven't opened them yet, but I can read a bit. One complains again I am violating the court, the other is a Marriage weekend retreat coming up and the third, I don't recall. I feel so sick right now.

SURPRISE!

YES! It's that good! I loved that hat...

A lighthearted look on here for a change and I promised my girls I would take it off as soon as it was taken. LOL!

I HAVE AN ATTORNEY! YES I AM SHOUTING!

I can't tell you how relieved I am. I signed up for Indiana Volunteer Attorney's a few months back. We went back and forth about a possible attorney this month or the next and after I had given up hope, they called and told me they had an attorney interested in meeting with me to discuss my case...

Long story short I am now represented! YIPEE!

I'm positive I am living again

Big red nose
Empty boxes of tissues
Eyes red with stained salt on your cheeks from crying

The first few days that I left for the THIRD and FINAL time was no easier then the first time.

I doubted my choice.
I reasoned with myself.
Told myself time apart was good.
Knowing in my heart I would have not lived to see the end of 2009 if I stayed with STBX.
That is a fact that close friends and family remind me of from time to time.

I am learning to live freely.
To love freely.
To make my own choices.
Learning to shake off old routines and making my own.
Learning to be me. The old me. The one that is a practical joker and can break out in song randomly in public or dance in the grocery aisle for no reason. The me that makes silly faces at my kids or with Terry.

I wish I can say that took overnight but it is nearly 3 years since I left him (2/25/09), the change is slow and I have no patience for myself. I am bothered by the effects of PTSD that have caused me to be panicky and paranoid that he is around the corner. Or will he send our son to do his evil bidding. Seriously! I have not a doubt that he would do that! He is a evil person that is cunning, methodical and can be the sweetest person you ever met. A person that met him (court professional) compared him to Ted Bundy. Another Psychologist told me off the record he was psychotic and I was in danger if I stayed with him.

I don't know why I didn't end up like Laci Peterson or Stacy Peterson or Nicole Smith for that matter any of those ladies you hear about splashed on the news. But I do thank the Lord that He has kept me this safe.

I am capable of great things and I though I do not know what is around the corner. But I am remaining positive it will be wonderful!

I don't question my leaving him. I don't ask why me. I no longer feel jaded that I will never have a normal relationship. I will not be a victim again!

Stay safe! Please see my other entries about Safety plans and Leaving your Abuser!

Domestic Relations bummer

I finally went in to put in that I changed our address. (I was able to get all the paperwork needed for the PO Box so I can fill out the required court change.) I wandered into the Domestic Relations room to let them know as well of the change. On my way out I bid a quick "Hello" to one of the boss's, of course this then proceeded for her to ask how things were. I mentioned the move and that I received text messages from R about reconciling. She asked about if we are visiting at the Children's Treehouse and how the visits were going. I told her that R hadn't scheduled any appointments.

And what about me seeing my son. I just shook my head and explained the court said it wasn't safe for us to visit due to M's apparent anger towards me. She went on to give me example's of others that had situations where marriages broke up due to an affair in the relationship.

This made me mad! I put away any kind of anger and reminded her as best I could that I left the SOB due to domestic violence. That I was tired and scared that I would have not lived through the following year if I stayed.

I was tired of getting hit, pushed, called names, being accused of cheating, being raped if I didn't want to have sex, having my hair pulled, watching my kids see me spanked or smacked, being pushed down the stairs and more. I was tired!

She didn't know what to say at first. She sat there stunned. She apologized, she assumed that M was upset that Terry broke up the marriage. I said that the marriage was broken long before Terry entered the picture.

M's anger and fighting in school started back in 4th and 5th grade. It had nothing to do with my leaving his Dad.We talked a bit more and then I headed out.

I got to the car and just cried. I was so upset by the comments she made. Upset that I was reminded once again by the crap he put me and the kids through. I felt ugly when I told her about these things. I felt stupid again too for putting up with it for so long. I was a mess for the rest of the day. I told Terry about the incident and it made him upset as well. She is the same lady that made Terry leave back in 2009 when Matt attacked him at the court house. If he would have been able to stay perhaps that wouldn't have happened.

I have gotten messages yesterday from M and then later his Dad, R. Rambling that I wouldn't let M see the girls for Christmas! HELLO! His Dad has supervised visits and I can not just let the girls go. I was so tee'd off on Christmas due to me telling the girls to wish Grandma A Merry Christmas, but Grandma pleaded with J to talk to her Dad. J said no, but then relented to make Grandma happy. R grew upset when A didn't want to talk to him. J asked her sister 2 more times and A mouthed no! Then ran into the bathroom and hid for about a half hour. She was scared.

GGGRRR!!! R ended the conversation with "I guess that's another strike against your Mother!"

I really don't like that man! I have had a upset stomach for days. Why do I let him get under my skin?
I do not believe he knows we moved yet. I know he will be on the war path once he finds out! BIG CHEESY GRIN!

And since he kept harassing me with text messages I blocked him and Matt. I was so upset from the messages. Terry said enough is enough. I didn't need to be beat down by them. I was relieved but not by any means in better spirits. SIGH! March 6th hurry up!