Article on Soul-mate to Psychopath

There is an amazing amount of similarities between Soon To Be Ex in this article. This is one of the labels placed on him during a stint in the hospital for a suicide attempt in 2007 and 2009, amongst a  number of other labels.

When you are in the beginning of this type of relationship you may not notice or blow off somethings. He may just seem like a tough cookie but you learn later he's (or she) is really burnt around the edges and should be discarded (skip the compost pile and break it up before you place this cookie in the garbage!).

If you know someone that is some sort of abusive relationship PLEASE encourage them to get out. If you have children in a abusive relationship the damage done may not show up until months or years after leaving. I can not stress that if you can not leave the relationship for you PLEASE think of your children.

If your child grew up to find a abusive partner what would you tell him (her)? We tend to think in the moment about things in our lives and we should really be thinking about the future...

Be safe!
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Soul-mate to Psychopath: The Most Dangerous Perpetrators of Family Violence

Successful psychopaths are not easy to recognize, although most people think they would be easy to spot... (Hmmm, I think I need a psychopath detector. Anyone know where I can get one of them on a budget? Pocket size would be best...)

Would You Spot a Psycho?

(Please note - model shown for illustration only. Image courtesy of: djcodrin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Profile of a Successful Psychopath:

Successful psychopaths and sociopaths are very hard to spot, and there are no foolproof guidelines that will help us to recognize them. Most people think of psychopaths as sleazy characters and/or repeat criminals. They may imagine somebody with a dark personality or a man with an insane look in his eye. Most think of a person like Hannibal Lecter in the movie Silence of the Lambs, or real life people like Charles Manson or Jack the Ripper. While this description might be true for unsuccessful psycho's, it is not always true for successful psychopaths.

No, he couldn't be.....surely?

(Please note - model shown for illustration only. Image courtesy of: djcodrin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Do you know a Successful Psychopath?

One could be closer than you think....
Unfortunately, a successful psychopath is usually a person who most people would consider to be "a really nice guy/gal".  The reality is that they are quite difficult to profile, and in fact,  there are more psychopaths living among us than we realize.
They may live next door, down the street, or perhaps even in the same house. This doesn't mean we all need to be paranoid, but it can pay to be cautious of people who display clusters of the personality and behavior traits mentioned below:

Those who have known them for longer will notice they can sometimes be:

• Superficially Charming
• Arrogant
• Ignorant
• Self-Important
• Non-genuine
• Unrealistic
• Irresponsible
• Inconsistent
• Dishonest
• Greedy
• Unreliable
• Insincere
• Grandiose
• Shallow
• Irrational
• Paranoid
• Promiscuous
• Domineering
• Judgmental
• Selfish

Most acquaintances, friends and extended family members will usually consider them to be:

• Charming
• Intelligent
• Polite
• Gallant
• Misunderstood
• Considerate
• Helpful
• Genuine
• Generous
• Caring
• Knowledgeable
• Capable
• Compassionate
• Impulsive
• Likable
• Sincere
• Romantic
• Emotional
• A victim of circumstance
• Selfless

Their Victims and/or partners will find out that they can be:

• Unfaithful
• Callous
• Violent
• Vicious
• Cruel
• Sadistic
• Parasitic
• Malicious
• Misogynistic
• Contemptuous
• Narcissistic
• Manipulative
• Unpredictable
• Secretive
• Pretentious
• Conning
• Shameless
• Obsessive
• Authoritative
• Insensitive
• Egotistic
• Heartless
• Vengeful

So how do they fool others so effectively?

• They are unable to feel Remorse, Shame or Guilt.
• They are able to act as though they have normal emotions, very convincingly.
• They appear so likable because they mirror their victims' values, beliefs and interests.
• They are incapable of Unconditional Love.
• They are incapable of real human attachment to another.
• They have an unrealistic perception of themselves (narcissism, grandiosity, self-importance not based on achievements).
• They are Pathological Liars.
• They lack a realistic Life Plan.
• They often have a Parasitic Lifestyle.
• They are capable of Criminal Versatility and Entrepreneurial Versatility.
• They do not perceive that anything is wrong with them.
• They appear to be what ever they want you to think they are (Glibness/Superficial Charm).
• They are selective of which actions they will take responsibility for.
• They have an excessive need for Stimulation.
• They are very capable and skilled at subtle cruelty.
• They have a complete lack of Empathy.
• They have poor Behavioral Controls.
• They exhibit promiscuous Sexual Behavior.
• They are often guilty of Infidelity.
• They show contempt of those who seek to understand them.
• Their ultimate goals are the creation of willing victims and then enslavement of their victim(s).
• They exercise despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life.
• They have a need to justify their crimes and therefore need their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love).

Psychopathic Dads - Mum, There's a Monster in Your Bedroom!

If you can relate to any of the following, I suggest you run:

• Your partner claims to love and respect you, but you keep getting contradictory reports about what he says to your family and friends.
• A person you know insists that they are not violent yet regularly watches real life snuff videos, and other violent videos, and finds them amusing.
• You find the "computer illiterate" person in your life researching "how to thwart time date stamping" on a computer hackers web site.
• Your self-confessed homophobic partner gets emails from gay dating sites.
• After 2 months without being touched by your partner, you ask why and they say they are just not that interested in sex anymore, but then you find numerous stashes of hand cream, tissues and dirty jocks in various strange places around the house.
• You tell your "soul-mate" that their friend once raped you and they respond with "well that's ok, I raped him".
• You find a balaclava, shovel and rope in your partner's car and find yourself wondering if you are living with a serial killer
• A person who claims to love you more than anything puts a loaded weapon on the table, says that he knows of one way you can make life better for everyone around you and then goes out for two hours.
• Your kids tell you that there is a monster sleeping in your bedroom...

Sometimes your knight In shining armour is just a retard in tin foil

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  Organize to Resist! Together we can take on the Predators! Let's Break the Silence to End the Violence by working together to make our voices a Resounding SHOUT!!! Perpetrators BEWARE - you don't stand a chance!

Please Note:

_{All names in this article have been changed for legal purposes and to protect the privacy of the Author. Except where otherwise credited, or where text forms part of an external link, this article is under the following copyright:}

_{Copyright © 2010 Mel Stewart, "safe-at-last", of Perth, Western Australia. All rights reserved.}

_{All persons, places and objects shown in the images in this hub are are shown for illustrative purposes only. They bear no relation to any real person or event. All persons shown are paid models. Unless otherwise credited, all images are under the following copyright:
Copyright © 2010 Mel Stewart, "safe-at-last" and Licensors Nodtronics Pty Ltd. All rights reserved.}

Final hearing!

WOW! I'm speechless.

Court was interesting. I, of course still had knocking knees and my stomach was tied in knots. Our 15 minute Status Hearing went well over an hour. Not too much sorted out. Small talk. The GAL made a brief summary of her findings. And it was decided that we are to do Therapeutic Counseling. The girls with Rob and a Psychologist, also my son and I have our own session.

If our son does not show improvement he may be removed from STBX's custody. Placement could be in a group home or my Sister has offered to take him in. I would rather he grow from the therapy and the above options be mute. We talked about Discovery and assets briefly. And the judge set us for trial on June 26th.

It sounds like the attorneys would like to get things squared away before that time. I can only hope someone presses a Psych. Evaluation for STBX. The whole thing makes no sense to me... STBX will not be cured in a few sessions. I am happy to know that there will be no more court after June. But upset that it does not seem that we are anyway out of the woods regarding our safety and what happens when the court officials go away.

There was also some talk about pulling STBX's parental rights to see the girls at all. I am would rather them not see him. He is not going to get better. In over 19 years of marriage you can not fix the mental stability of this man.

I am happy that the topic of our address never came up! WAHOO! But weary because I found a fishy looking website looking at my blog (mspy.com) not sure if STBX is trying to figure out where we are going this route. There was more banter and comments back and forth. But we are safe for now. Please pray for our son. I pray for his well being and safety.

I feel worn out and tired. My sister is over now and I'm thinking of hitting the sack for a few right now. Thanks for listening and the prayers, as well as the warm wishes.

BIG HUGS!

Mel

 (Pick of the Magnolia tree in bloom! Love it!)

Saturdays visitation and court tomorrow

 

Saturday was supervised visitation with the kids Dad. From what I was told it started out well,the Uno cards were being dealt out when J. asked her Dad if they could do something else, like talk. He said that was fine. The other two kids, M. and A., really wanted to play cards. So they started dealing the cards out. J. insisted she really wanted to talk.

So, the fireworks began. There was some small talk, M.'s phone is broken so the girls can not call him and have to call STBX to reach him. J., went on to ask why STBX left her in the hospital, which he denied stating that there was some other issue and he called me to come instead.

She asked him what about when he beat M. with the belt buckle and I intervined, which he denied and M. agreed that never happened. J., was getting really upset about this at this time. The more memories she brought up, the more he denied those things happened.

She did admit to me that she threw some things at STBX. He kept telling her that she sounded like me. That my Facebook and blog were just things used to brainwash kids and tell lies. (HUH? And creepy that he still checks them out.) He complained about me to her. Telling her to "Shush!" She stood her ground and said she will not shush!

She told him that Kalven was her brother (the baby), A. was her sister, M. was her brother, Terry was her Father and he (STBX) was dirt! He mentioned that I probably put her up to it. She retorted that "If Mom knew I was doing this I would have apologized in advance to her about it." She told A. that she was going to go and for A. to come with. As A. got up J. grabbed her arm and STBX grabbed the other, which started a tug-o-war with A.. Both M. and A. were quiet. STBX told her he was fighting for "Full custody" of both of the girls. J. threw a deck of cards and birthday cards at STBX, and at that time a Security Officer came in and removed the girls from the room. I was told afterwards M. cried. (That breaks my heart.)

The girls were into the waiting room and I was called to return to pick them up. I was at the local fruit market and hurried to pick them up. I was told there was a arguement and I needed to get them now! I was almost there when they called again that J. was hyperventilating. I was boxed in the turn lane with 4 cars in front of me and a few in back of me, so I had no wiggle room to get around any of the cars.

By the time I ran into the building, J. was totally out of it. She was writhing on the couch, her hands and legs were like stiff boards, her eyes were in back of her head, she was screaming "NO!" and "Don't touch me!". I gave the baby to A. and tried to calm J. down but she wouldn't come back. The Officer asked if I wanted an ambulance, but I asked if I could try to calm her down. After several minutes the Officer stated he was going to call an ambulance and I nodded in agreement.

It seemed like forever before the ambulance arrived and even after that J. had fought the ambulance workers, she was moaning "No!", crying and "Don't!". The baby was getting teary eyed for his sister. A. looked like a frightened kitten but she was in control.

I was able to get a little bit about what happened when they were loading her on the ambulance. SIGH!
At the hospital she calmed down after about 15 mins or so. A woman from Behavior services came down to talk with J. and myself. After about 3 hours we were referred to a Psychartrist and counselor. I have called to get an appointment for both girls. A. needs to see the counselor for sure.

I was told to let J., she didn't need to worry about custody. Also future supervised visits would be cancelled and Theraputic Therapy is in order (I'm not thrilled with them seeing him at all but as the Father I would hope one day they would have some sort of positive relationship, STBX does need to get help, first and to stick with it). J. is sad that she did not get a chance to tell M. thank you for the card and she loved him. (That made me sad)

So we have our Status hearing tomorrow. I'm still nervous. It is only 15 mins or so long but it will seem like an eternity before and during. My stomach is already in knots! I plan on heading to Bible study in the morning for about a hour and then stopping to get the sitter for Mini Man. I won't sleep at all! I'm thinking of putting a Positive affirmation CD on tonight. Terry has calmed me down quite a bit. We had movie day/night. I pulled my back and need to take it easy. I don't think I could get much done with so much on my mind.

I don't believe he will be allowed our physical address. I pray the judge will see to it that it is kept confidential. I would hope to get divorced too! Oh my gosh! I really hope the judge would just finalize the darn thing by now. Please pray for the girls (Jess, Alex and Matt) and brother, also for STBX (Rob).

Thanks for listening. It is always something around here...

I ask that if you know someone that is in a DV situation please lend an ear or shoulder. Help them get to a shelter or a safe way out. Of course you can not force a person to leave they're abusive relationship but you can listen. Don't stay silent anymore! Many blessings to you!

HUGS!

Mel

Status hearing next week!

I read article below the other day and boy is it my Gaslighter to a "T". It can be a wake up call to Victims of abuse to read articles about Domestic Violence. You question your sanity. I have heard if you question your sanity then you have nothing to worry about. It is those that don't question they're insanity that are the troublemakers!

I was posed a question today by Terry, he asked, "If you had to choose between R knowing where we live or random annoying text/voice mails, which would you choose?"

That is a no brainer! As annoying, pitiful, and numerous as they are, I can deal with the texts. I can not cope with the thought of him knowing where we live. So, my Friends once again since the topic looks like it will be a hot bed of discussion next Tuesday (Status hearing~ just to see if we are complying or done with tasks asked by the court to do). My attorney differently stands behind my privacy on the subject. I am praying and asking for anyone out here in blog land to please pray for us. Apparently the girls have shared with a court official they are equally concerned that R will find out where we are.

I want this to be finalized so badly. I have the patience of a 18 month old. And I want what I want now! STOMP! STOMPING MY FEET! WAH! Now I would like it finalized for my own reason of not wanting R to keep calling me his wife. I know he swore "Till death do we part" Even that sends shivers down my neck. June would have been our 20 year anniversary, technically, I reckon it still counts since we are still married. SAD FACE! 

I have learned that sadly the relationship between myself and my Mother in law is gone. Blood is thicker, but in this case she is worried he will find out and since he knows where she lives she will not speak poorly of her son. At the same time I can't help but wonder why she can not stand up for her Grandkids. It makes me sad.

Of course even though my brain is trying to stay level headed my stomach is tied up in knots for more then just court jitters. It is always something! But, it's not boring that's for sure!

Again, I hate to be a broken record, but if you are in a violent, mental or verbal abuse situation PLEASE GET OUT! If you can not do it alone, then please share with someone you trust and ask for help to leave or to get him/her out! Don't wait before it's too late. Don't wait until you have enough money. Or a job. There are places that WILL help you! Don't be afraid to call the police if need be, leave a paper trail. Do not allow your abuser to keep getting away with his/her antics or control!

Be safe my Friend,

BIG HUGS!
Mel
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 http://www.syntheory.com/psychopathy/psycho.html

**I don't agree with all of his off hand comments or some of the language but he has great sources and seems to be knowledgeable on the subject of NARC's and Psychopaths. And my abuser does not take drugs or alcohol (in my opinion he is just nuts)**

An American
Obsession ... the
Psychopath

Let me begin by saying that this is a very difficult topic to handle in a worldwide forum. No matter what I write, my words will anger someone, frighten someone else and inspire yet others. Hopefully, I will at least get my readers to think seriously about their own values. For instance, what do you think about this as a solution to the psychopathy problem? Only a fool tries to please everyone...and I am no fool!

Psychopathy is usually associated with criminal and/or amoral behavior, especially with "career criminals", those who typically engage in more than one type of crime and have been doing so for a long time. It seems to be the foundation of a career criminal's personality upon which all the the destructive, antisocial behavior is built. Immediately, someone will jump up and yell out that criminality is culturally defined. That is true. The continuum of acceptable-unacceptable behavior varies widely across cultures. However, there are some behaviors -- murder for example, which are widely held to be unacceptable (I know Margaret Mead deserves a citation here, but I forget out of which book I learned the fact! Sorry, Margaret.). Telling lies may be considered impolite but excusable one place, while seen as a major crime elsewhere. For our purposes here, I will focus my attention on the perceptions of western cultures, particularly those of the USA and Germany, as I am most familiar with them.

Criminals are typically very "street smart". So one clue of psychopathy is if the person boasts about being able to outwit others. It shows something of the way he or she operates on a daily basis. Another clue is what is called the "duping delight" (Hare, 1993). The person will try to trick people somehow, or maneuver people into believing strange or outrageous things, making up stories just for the fun of putting something over on someone. There will be no necessity to lie, but the lie is told nonetheless, just to see if he or she can get away with it. If they do get away with it, it feeds their narcissistic belief that others are stupid and that they are superior.

In my opinion, the psychopath represents humanity gone haywire. For this reason, I do not wish to handle the topic of the psychopath's presence in society like other behavioral writers do. I don't intend wasting any time on efforts to rehabilitate them (for instance, Wong & Hare, 1998-2005). My intent here is not as academic as it is political; I wish to educate and warn you the reader of some of the more common signs that the person in question -- usually a male -- is someone you should detach from...and quickly!

The sooner you can detect a troublesome person, the better off you will be. One quick check is your placement of him or her on the "asshole scale". Now remember, not every jerk or idiot is necessarily psychotic! However, psychopaths do represent an extreme form of the "asshole" personality type, they've just learned to conceal it most of the time and appear to be "nice, normal, charming" people. Many are developmentally stuck in their early years, still fighting the battles of authority and parental control over them! They must get their way or they'll make trouble of some sort.

As for occupations, these can hold some predictive information about the person. For one, if they're unemployed -- run like hell!!! Otherwise, considering the difficulty psychopaths show in normal social relationships, they tend to gravitate toward jobs that let them work with things, requiring a limited amount of human contact. Such occupations include auto mechanic, carpenter, truck driver and construction work, etc. Now I'm not saying that your plumber is necessarily a psychopath; psychos are found in all occupations. I'm just saying that the probability of finding one increases in jobs that revolve around things rather than people. They also gravitate toward positions of power, ie politics, school principal, psychotherapist, peace officer, etc.

As for drug usage, psychopaths love alcohol and methamphetamine (check out this DEA web page!). I suspect the "meth" helps give them the excitement they crave; gaining little or no security or comfort from the past, they must constantly seek excitement in the now. They get bored easily. I am told that the meth also enhances sexual behavior -- which is a strong reinforcer for continued drug usage. It can really make them think some bizarre thoughts, though. Habitual users of meth will likely have dental problems at an early age. So, if someone is only, say 50, and has no teeth left it's a good possibility that the person is a methamphetamine abuser. Now whether he or she is also a psychopath remains to be determined.

Another red flag is whether the person finished High School or not. This is significant, since only a small percentage of "dropouts" really do well in life. If the person you're dating claims to have graduated, ask from which school -- and quietly verify it. If you find out he or she did not finish school, find out why. Did she get pregnant? Was he expelled for carrying a semiautomatic weapon in the hallway? The reason someone leaves school before finishing will tell you something of his or her character.

Once a woman marries a psycho, it is far too late. By then, he'll know way too much about her life. So, when she eventually does him this huge injustice (like saying "no" to any of his selfish desires or confronting him about his flagrant immaturity), the big brat inside him gets all bent out of shape and he proceeds to "get her back for that", "teach her a lesson", and "let her know who's really the boss". It's as if the toddler can finally go one on one with Mom!

For this reason, I must inform you of "the one year rule". Don't go to a high level of commitment for at least a year, if you wish to be absolutely sure about him or her. Certainly don't get married too quickly! Even the best psychos will lose their masks within a year; it takes a lot of effort to keep up false appearances. This reminds me of what I once heard a woman scream at her psychopathic boyfriend: "I knew it wouldn't last two years!" Apparently, she has a personal rule not to marry someone before two years of relationship have gone by. Good girl! Another observation I can share with you is that several people I've talked to said that their boyfriends/husbands have a three month cycle. Once they forgive them and take them back, these men only maintain good behavior for three months at most. After that, they go back into their out-of-control/forgive-and-forget drama.

During that first year of relationship, many clues often go unnoticed. Conversely, it is necessary to evidence the presence of several signs, before coming to a "diagnosis" of him or her being a psychopath! It's reasonable to assume that as more and more signs and signals are observed, the more likely the diagnosis will be a fitting one. (There are, of course, official psychological tests already developed to diagnose psychopathy. More about them can be found here on Dr. Hare's website. I don't think any of them have an "asshole scale".) One dead give away is their parasitic lifestyle. If you're dealing with a psychopath, he or she may well ask you for money in some form soon in the friendship. Even if it's just a couple of bucks for gas, during those first few days you will probably be asked for something monetary. Of course, they sometimes have their own money.

Parenthetically, many consider themselves to be excellent musicians. These guys usually play the guitar but run out of material in about 15 minutes. They then start repeating what they've already played. They're all technique and no soul.

One simple clue is that the person may not adhere to common social customs. Manners may be lacking, the person gives the impression of being somewhat of a slob, he or she may seem unconcerned if ever late meeting you for something, and will rarely if ever apologize unless prompted. And if prompted, you can imagine the sincerity that will come with the apology! Sometimes, their personal deception style may have them over-apologizing. This shows insincerity, too.

Time and time again, I've heard of -- and observed first hand -- family, religion, etiquette and morality being used to stick the mask of normalcy on the psychopathic face. You may be told you're just like family -- early on in the friendship! (Some people call this being "fast friends".) The person may even have a wife and kids! Or, more likely, an ex-wife and one kid, because by then it had become obvious that the relationship was going nowhere. He may boast about reading "the Bible" or actually be able to quote scripture. Yet, if someone has to tell you that he's moral, chances are he isn't! They tend to tell you positive things about themselves, rather than show you things through their behavior.

Psychos typically rely on the frequency of words (they talk a lot), since they have difficulty empathizing with and using the intensity of emotion (see my frequency-intensity effect glossary item for more). These two observations together give the impression of them "knowing the notes but not the music" (ie Cleckley, 1988 and Hare, 1993). That of course means, that they know what to say so that normal people will develop a particular understanding, but they have no grasp of the emotional depth the others experience upon processing the words. It's also where you get the slick talkers from, the smooth-talking con men. The better grasp of the language the more successful a con can be. This alone can be a hint: if early on you feel confident in the other person, you might be being conned! This is significant since they always attempt to set up your perceptions of them right from the start, or at least early on. They can't play the relationship game very well, so they will try to quickly construct a favorable picture of themselves in your mind, using words. Now you may be justified in saying that everyone tries to give a good impression from the start, but I counter with the observation that you will be able to tell the difference when you see it...hopefully.

Still another red flag is that many of them will seem..."smirky". They have a smirky kind of grin in common and some seem to exhibit an ancy or jittery kind of "baseline energy output" in their movements. I think the smirk comes from the infantile quality of gratification their behavior gets reinforced with, while the apprehensive baseline energy output may be indicative of their perceived need to "deceive on their feet". They're always sensing that they have to size up and continuously monitor their current target. So, if you feel like he's keeping tabs on you, you might want to start worrying about how to get away from him. (See "The Loser" link, 3 paragraphs below.)

The psychopath may be jealous or seem paranoid. A classic clue is that the person will argue ad hominem to defend or rationalize his or her actions! Simply put, he or she will heatedly combat "the attacker" (be it a parent, friend, judge, society, etc) with name calling and finger-pointing of some kind, in order to get attention off his or her own behavior, or perhaps to gain sympathy for his or her perceived plight. It is also in this vein that the psychopath usually works on his or her intimates, constantly implying a lack of skills, looks, knowledge, etc, on the part of the other. The danger here (particularly for women since they tend to blame internally, while men tend to blame externally), is buying into his or her attempts to bring you down -- to "level the self esteem playing field" so that he or she can actually have a chance at ego enhancement! Other signs are either hypersensitivity to criticism or being totally oblivious to it. Usually the psychopath will be hypersensitive to criticism. They can dish it out but can't take it themselves. They get angry when confronted with their shortcomings. Otherwise, they may seem totally unaffected by criticism. This points to their utter lack of caring about the opinions of others. At any rate, the psychopath will likely be extreme in reaction; there's rarely a middle ground for them.

Psychopaths just love prowling the Internet! They are able to remain hidden behind the technology as they indulge in their hacking and cracking. They shrink from a fair fight; they will not engage unless they are 99.9% sure they will be victorious. Hence, we see the typical psychopath victimizing women and men of smaller stature. In other words, the common psychopath is just an immature little coward who feels a need to bully others in order to boost both his ego and, I believe, his pride in himself! ...I just don't understand why the movie industry makes such a big deal out of the "bad boy" character. Tarantino? Boooooo!

They can be quite clever and deceptive, yet you will get the clues if you're tuned into them. However, once you do sense trouble it is a whole different story how to get out of it, while maintaining your financial and emotional freedom. (I strongly suggest you also read this page on "The Loser". About two thirds of the way down the page there is a section on how to disengage from them.)

If you do slip, miss the signals, etc, and end up totally screwed by one of these "Untermenschen", be sure to find a "psychopath recovery" discussion group for support. You will need to hear the stories of others, or you may just start sounding like a rambling paranoid idiot yourself! There are lots of such groups on the Internet, and two good ones are located at http://www.aftermath-surviving-psychopathy.org/, and http://www.psychopath-research.com. I personally am trying to start up a group on Facebook, called "Psychopath Recovery". You may also wish to look into an in-person support group in your local area. Womens' shelters are a good place to ask -- and not just for female victims, either. If your situation involves a stalking, see Proctor (2003).

What can be kept in mind is that the majority of the psychopath's interactions with you will, on some level, be geared to get -- not to give. Early in this one way "relationship" the target is simply information...you find yourself talking a lot while what you hear back from him or her sounds great, culturally speaking. Even when apparently giving, their motivation is to receive. With information, the result is that if you look you will see a lot of lies being told. Because of this, my best advice is to verify what you hear. At least the big stuff. For instance, a newly encountered psycho may wish to impress you by saying something like, "...then when I got out of the army, I got my MBA from Harvard...." These "facts" are easy to verify; if they don't check out, you'll know you have trouble. With material goods, this motive is exposed when they threaten to take back a gift or to even destroy something he or she made for you. The gift was not a gift at all. It was more like an unspoken bribe for you. Their expectation upon giving it, was that you selflessly continue to fulfill all of his or her emotional and material needs -- or else! Quite infantile, wouldn't you say? [By the way, that army/Harvard quote was taken from a reenactment on the FOX television series "America's Most Wanted" (amw.com), now on the Lifetime cable channel. Hi John!]

That's another thing common in many psychopaths: their sense of entitlement is all out of whack. They feel inappropriately entitled to stuff -- typically your stuff! I find it's here that one gets a clear glimpse of their child-level perspective on life. A small child expects to get and get and get, while not being expected to give all that much toward the household maintenance. In adult relationships, this can lead to a man not having a job, expecting the woman to work and do whatever he wishes, whenever he wishes it. Such selfishness can -- and too often does -- lead to sexual assault and battery. In addition to that, this inflated sense of entitlement of theirs extends to punishing you any way they see fit, for however long they see fit, for any reason they find suitable. They enjoy exercising power over others. I believe they enjoy this as it is a direct opposite of what they probably experienced during their miserable childhoods.

I get the sense that the psychopath's ideal situation would be if he could imprison a wealthy person in a typical web of deceit and coercion. He could then slowly isolate her from her friends and family. Finally, he would settle down to suckle on the financial teat of his prize victim, undisturbed! Since psychopaths are so shockingly immature and selfish, they really have to hide this for as long as they can. For psychopaths, personality deception is long-practiced and their narcissistic resentment of the past runs deep. (In the coming years, I believe it will become painfully obvious that their sheer numbers are on the rise, possibly even gaining in their percentage of the general population.)

Curiously, it is indeed that larger-than-life picture of themselves that can give them away. As "the Quantum Future Group" states in their work What is a Psychopath?: "The psychopath is primarily distracted and impressed by his own grandiose self-representation, which often leads to him unwittingly telling people things that lead to his detection." (This quote is found almost a quarter of the way down the page.)

Another sign is a tendency toward passive aggression. This is how they can be aggressive and hateful, yet quietly get away with it. For example, he will see that your tire is almost flat, but will say nothing to you about it. You will then have trouble with it later and it would have been easy for him to help you out by saying something. Instead, it gives him the opportunity to be the hero as he leaps to your aid, thoroughly enjoying all of the excitement the occurance precipitates! I wouldn't be surprized to hear that he's the one who stuck that nail in your tire to begin with. I personally know of a psychopath committing arson - at one in the morning - in such a way that he was also the person to put the fire out and hence save everybody. Wow.

There are as many paths to deviancy as there are deviants. Along those paths, though, are similar events. For instance, while growing up, a person may experience continuous disappointments while never developing much of a sense of being able to control anything that happens to or around him or her. (Some such common events these days include the divorce of one's parents, being raised by grandparents or other relatives, domestic violence and the substance abuse of one's caretakers.) A victim mentality eventually emerges as a gestalt from the memory constructures (memcons), and this then shapes thought patterns to blame others for the bad things that happen to them in the future. Especially likely targets of blame are the person's intimates. Other popular targets include "the government" and other power-wielding groups and individuals.

One major form of inoculation against psychopathy is effective parenting. A parent can be available to promote self discipline and to help the child cope with loss and other negative events outside his or her sphere of influence or control. It is unfortunate for us, that they never seem to realize the actual sources of their anger at the world -- ie, their former caretakers and the events which occurred during their formative years! Instead what happens, is that they come to see the world with a generalized, free-floating anger, just waiting to be elicited by anyone who steps into their line of sight, or displays aspects of their many prejudices. Those of you who can read German may wish to look at Barth (1996) in order to get a better idea of this phenomenon. Pay particular attention to the interview segment. If you would like to read the article now, follow this link.

This brings me to yet another clue on how to spot a psychopath: talking about the childhood years! Granted, some people may feel clumsy or on the spot when asked about their childhoods, but will usually talk about it anyway. However, if caught off guard, psychopaths will likely look down, hesitate, try to change the topic, or simply make something up. Furthermore, if they've read a web page like this one, they may actually have a fabricated childhood all ready to go -- and launch into telling you about it firmly and without hesitation! The point is, that they commonly try to avoid the reality of the matter entirely, since the truth activates traumatic memcons, and they are typically not emotionally mature enough to face such painful memories head on. (From this, many turn to "self-medication" to avoid the encroachment of reality altogether.) All I can say about this is use your ability to decipher their non-verbal behavior (posture, tone of voice, etc), and again, use the one year rule. If you suspect you're hearing lies...verify, verify, verify!

Now, no responsible discussion of western psychopathy would be complete without at least a mention of sex and violence. I theorize, that while having sex, the male psychopath simply treats the female vagina as a masturbation vessel! (Creepy, huh ladies?!) They have no real capacity to share intimate, adult feelings; they just use other people to get their rocks off! As for violence, the psychopath employs what has been called "instrumental violence". This means that they simply use force, coercion and violence as tools to get a particular job done. There's rarely any emotion present; he just forces others to comply to his sick little world. Again...infantile. [This being considered infantile is significant. It suggests that the moderate to severe psychopaths may be experiencing "early pathology", which is generally more difficult to change than later occuring disorders.]

Psychopaths use deceptive behavior in many social situations. This is one reason why they are so difficult to treat -- if they ever even come in for therapy! In the psychopath's mind, he or she is not doing anything wrong; if there's a problem, it's your problem, not theirs. Furthermore, as Dr. Hare points out (Hare, 1993, p. 198-200), all they do in traditional therapy is learn even more about human nature, and then use this knowledge to continue to pillage and plunder humanity! Short of constant institutionalization or invasive neurosurgery, I see no effective (and currently legal) way to protect society from their behavior. Unfortunately for all involved, they typically do not stop their destructive behavior until they are either dead or in jail.

1:26 am

My cell buzzed at 1:26 am.

My first thoughts at this time of the morning are:
Is someone hurt?
Sick?
Dead?
In jail?

The last thing I am expecting is:
 From R
March 15, 2012

1:26 am- It has been said that the opposite of love is not hate, but apathy. If someone in your world seems to be feeling intensely upset with

1:26 am- you know, Gemini, it may be because this person has a hard time dealing with the depth of his/her feelings for you- not because there is no love. Don't

1:27 am- automatically assume that you are not cared for. You cannot control this individual's reaction, but if you have feelings for this person and he/she gener

1:27 am- ally respects you, then you will need to be tolerant of the situation until it passes. Work on communicating better and see if that helps--

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seriously? GGRRFACE! How annoying is that? Now, I didn't answer them. But a few minutes ago I did forward them to my attorney. No, they aren't threatening, but they are annoying. And he told his attorney "He was so over with me and understood we were done".

I feel sad for him. Trust me not sad enough to go back to him! More a pity sad. Sad for his Mom too. After she mentioned recently that she would not say anything bad about him to the GAL because he was her son and knows where she lives! What about her Grandkids? During that conversation she said she wanted us to visit my sister-in-laws new digs (she is living with them, to help care for them). BUT, she could not ensure R wouldn't show up and she can not ask him to leave. She won't do that!

I'm sad for them. I still pray for all of them. I hope they find help they need to repair the messed up relationship and mental issues that R has. I pray that our son does not travel down the path of abusing his loved ones in the future.

I have still am unsure of any new court date available. Quite frankly, I'm still antsy about finding some closure with this. I continue to leave it in God's hands. For now, everything we have needed is provided. We are safe and loved!

And you Dear blog reader... How are you today? If you are reading this and in a abusive relationship please take it to heart that you are not alone! You are worthy of happiness, joy and down the road a happy relationship with someone special.

Sometime people can raise their face to the sky and ask "Why me God?" "Why are you doing this" or "Why are you letting this happen to me?"

Did you ever stop and ask yourself what can "you" do about it? Don't wait to act before more damage is done to you or your children or pet! When is enough, enough? Have you hit rock bottom? Or do you just keep getting hit with fists or words? Dearest, only you know when it is time to go. Please do not wait until things escalate and get worse. Stop making excuses for your abusers actions. Stop thinking it's just you or in your head.

Stay safe! Many blessings!

Mel

Living in the past

I made a conscious decision to really write about my past. I'm stumped. A friend of mine was insistant that I write to the local papers and try to shed some light into a dark past. I couldn't do it. I hemmed and hawed. OK, well, I wrote to Dr. Phil, and a few other popular celeb programs. Nothing... I did type something to a Editor at one of the papers my friend linked to me but still nothing...

If you aren't a superstar or politician nothing that I am going to yell about is going to make much difference apparently. Sadly you have to be murdered or missing to have anyone take someone with a DV background heard. I do not wish that to be me or my loved ones.

I have been back in forth with the GAL and my Attorney about my STBX getting my physical address. I am getting myself all in a tizzy because of it. I try to act calm and if you see me on the street, I will just tell you nothing is up or wrong. I don't want to talk about my divorce or him. Believe me that sounds funny. I have been so wrapped up in the drama of my life for so many years that I would like it to be gone, with both of us moved on happily. I feel I blog about him so much on here I don't feel the need to talk about him. It is as if I am giving him more power (in my head) by yakking about him. And dang it! He is like a bad penny you can't get rid of. My divorce is a topic of conversation that 95% of the time comes up in conversation.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I appreciate that those around me that give me prayers or comfort! My divorce is like the flu... A lot of crap and you want the vaccine next time it comes around!

I did feel it is time to write. I'm totally unsure and in the dark where to start but the time is right at least it feels that way.

As for an update in this nasty ride:

No new court date slated yet
Crazy man is in contempt of court for not doing the psych eval and my attorney is pushing for one!
As of Monday, I heard Crazy man was working. I had no doubt about that... He is squirreling away money. How else can he pay his attorney, bills and so on? Last time I had child support was in December.
 Crazy man was spanked by his attorney not to call me or text me anymore. Unless it is an emergency. After all his complaining about talking to the girls on the phone he has yet to call them. Though I do have a text stating he tried and he couldn't get through... SIGH! Also he was told I did not kidnap the girls and have been legally doing what I need to do correctly. YEA ME!

I'd rather not dwell on these things. Living in the past just clouds thoughts of a happy future. In a fit of passion I decided to diet and give up coffee. Not for Lent (I don't do that). Just because I decided to break some habits. I add way to much sugar to it anyway. I splurged one last hooray on a bunch of Rolo's last night. DROOL! Wish me luck!

Mel

Great quotes and affirmations!

Being a Survivor, it is sometimes very hard to think positively about yourself and the world around you.

Dealing with PTSD, closing the windows, staying under the covers in the security of my bed and home is an option that I never felt comfortable with. Panic attacks that have in some instances crippled me to the point where driving is not doable and coping with day to day life is a reality.

I'm not one to pop some prescription med, illegal drug or drown my pain in a bottle of Rum. Each person deals with the pain and lose of a relationship differently. This is the path I am choosing.


I choose to try not to wander from God's path, but being human I struggle with this
I choose to live
I choose recreate my life for a new journey of blessings
I choose to live more positively
I choose to dream without fear
I choose to love freely
I choose happiness and joy instead of negativity and bitterness

Oh I stumble with this list. And since I have teen's and a toddler in the house my intentions are put to the test, LOL! I brush myself off and get back up.

I had a text from my STBX last night about trying to call the girls to say he loved them and missed them but he couldn't get through. That was a total GGRRFACE for me. Bull hockey! My phone didn't ring and that set my mood off for the evening. I snapped at Terry, J, A and even Mini man. I had to step off and breathe for a minutes. Terry gave me a big hug, had J watch Mini man while I finished with dinner, he helped me in the kitchen and A came in to lend a hand too. (We had a dinner guest)

I was calming down and apologized to J and Terry for the huff. I felt foolish for taking it out on my family. It didn't take me too long to chill out and the evening went much better.

I'm human, I break down, I cry or yell. The point I'm trying to make is that I don't have to feel this way all the time. I don't have to limit myself by being constantly in a happy go lucky mood but to reprogram my mindset to more positive thoughts helps me so much!

I pray! ALOT! I talk to God as much as I can. I'm thankful for the creation of cell phones, because in the car when I am alone I do tend to get very animated and chatty! I live more freely now then ever. And I appreciate this life I was given. I appreciate the chance and changes I am going through. I appreciate my family, friends and you Dear blog reader (whoever you are!). I pray you find your happiness, that you break the cycle of abuse or bullying and you remember you are worthy of joy, having a healthy relationship and you can do everything you set mind to! Believe that if you lean on God he will take care of this.

Stay safe!
Be blessed!
Mel

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

*I found all but one of these on mrnevergiveup on FB*

 

Can I laugh yet?

I hate talking and sharing things about my divorce.
I really hate thinking, talking or remembering things about my STBX.
I am flustered over the whole dang legal process and even more perplexed about how STBX seems to get away with so much crap that it isn't funny.

I have more and more text messages from this bunghole. Yesterdays are no worse or better then any in the past.

Background on the latest rants, I receive a call from the GAL that suggests that I show more interest in my son (she is aware that I am concerned and love him but to appease the court I should seem publically more supportive), and she suggests I go to a hearing that is slated for him on Friday. The hearing is to decide whether or not he is allowed to go back to school or to be expelled due to the violent episode he had around Christmas against a student and Vice Principal.

I'm in knots about this. I want to be there for him. But Lordy, if my stress level isn't through the roof enough, I am literally sick to my stomach about facing my STBX in a low or no level security around situation.

Well, really long story made short... I called the school to ask about security, since I am not the custodial parent they have not returned my call. After talking to GAL and lawyer, who then faxes information contrary to policy, I receive a text from crazy man:

 

March 6, 2012

11:55 am- M does not want you to know anything. And their for u will not get it… you’re lawyer does not know your game but I do. Please send me you’re address

11:55 am- Of my girls not mailing address. Name of schools and their records…

11:59 am- If u cared one bit about him. I would tell u myself

11:59 am- But u only want info to use as control

12:02 pm- If you really cared about M you will call children’s services and admit what you did to him. Did u forget putting him in the hospital under false pret

12:02 pm-  enses.  Just like you did with J. Did you forget taking Terrys side

12:02 pm-From me to him- You are to only contact us thru your lawyer. Please stop texting.

12:03 pm- Or when u put materials in the report to try and get Matt to be kept in jail

12:03 pm- and I can contact u about the kids anytime.

12:04 pm- From me to him- No

12:05 pm- I don’t see anything on paper. But go get your Lawyer to file something that will show how uncooperative u r I am going for full custody of m

12:05 pm – And physical custody of the girls.

12:06 pm- They do not need your abuse everyday about their father.

12:06 pm- I have plenty of time let this drag out

12:08 pm- Your mistake is this you think I am pissed  at u.. but I am pissed as a father and tired of your abuse of are children

12:29 pm- I am waiting for the girls address where they live.

12:31 pm- From me to him - Call your lawyer for that information. Stop harassing me.

12:32 pm- U did not give him address. This is not harassment. I am trying to find out where u kidnapped my kids to

12:35 pm- My lawyer has a PO box.. r u and your lawyer saying that my girls are living at a post office

 Needless to say I didn't fire back more then what is above, but OOOOHHHH, did I want to just rip him a new one. I'm so fed up with his crazy talk, lies and deceit! During this time did he ever once inquire about his daughter's birthday. After 10:30 pm I get 2 texts that ask if J is awake and he wants to wish her Happy Birthday, some rubbish about being in training all day and seeing her Saturday. 

Well, Cowboy! I have something planned to go to that involves a business I am trying to launch and I need clients! So, having to make adjustments to satisfy his insanity is not high on my list right now. And if he is unemployed why does he keep making Saturday visitations? During the week should be just peachy... GGRRRFACE!

Anyway, back to the school hearing. I don't know if there is one. No one will contact me. SIGH! Breathe Mel! Breathe! I know that God has my path and I need to just place all my worries in His hands. I'm so tired of his crap... I'm thinking to block his number again but need to know if I can from my attorney. Mercy! I am thankful we are still safe and thank goodness Terry hasn't went away for work yet. I need a job in a bad way. I would love to do something from home. 

When I am not bitching about my divorce or worrying about crazy man, I garden! I have many little seedlings started! I craft! I sell crafts, vintage items, blog, I am a Doula (Birth Assistant~ job I want to launch), walk around and enjoy nature. Hoping to make money raising chickens (eggs), herbs/veggies/fruit, crafts or maybe I could do public speaking about DV. I am still in the dark where to go. I know a 9 to 5 job isn't for me. For some reason I have issue with working for anyone under 35 years old. I'll do it, but since I have ran several businesses on my own, I have a hard time taking orders from anyone. Now that doesn't mean that I blow off other workers or anything. I just enjoy working on my own... Sorry rambling! But you can see I'm not just a Victim/Now SURVIVOR! 

I'll quit complaining and heading outside to take in some windy but enjoyable temps! 

Stay safe and big hugs!

Mel