I'm positive I am living again

Big red nose
Empty boxes of tissues
Eyes red with stained salt on your cheeks from crying

The first few days that I left for the THIRD and FINAL time was no easier then the first time.

I doubted my choice.
I reasoned with myself.
Told myself time apart was good.
Knowing in my heart I would have not lived to see the end of 2009 if I stayed with STBX.
That is a fact that close friends and family remind me of from time to time.

I am learning to live freely.
To love freely.
To make my own choices.
Learning to shake off old routines and making my own.
Learning to be me. The old me. The one that is a practical joker and can break out in song randomly in public or dance in the grocery aisle for no reason. The me that makes silly faces at my kids or with Terry.

I wish I can say that took overnight but it is nearly 3 years since I left him (2/25/09), the change is slow and I have no patience for myself. I am bothered by the effects of PTSD that have caused me to be panicky and paranoid that he is around the corner. Or will he send our son to do his evil bidding. Seriously! I have not a doubt that he would do that! He is a evil person that is cunning, methodical and can be the sweetest person you ever met. A person that met him (court professional) compared him to Ted Bundy. Another Psychologist told me off the record he was psychotic and I was in danger if I stayed with him.

I don't know why I didn't end up like Laci Peterson or Stacy Peterson or Nicole Smith for that matter any of those ladies you hear about splashed on the news. But I do thank the Lord that He has kept me this safe.

I am capable of great things and I though I do not know what is around the corner. But I am remaining positive it will be wonderful!

I don't question my leaving him. I don't ask why me. I no longer feel jaded that I will never have a normal relationship. I will not be a victim again!

Stay safe! Please see my other entries about Safety plans and Leaving your Abuser!

Domestic Relations bummer

I finally went in to put in that I changed our address. (I was able to get all the paperwork needed for the PO Box so I can fill out the required court change.) I wandered into the Domestic Relations room to let them know as well of the change. On my way out I bid a quick "Hello" to one of the boss's, of course this then proceeded for her to ask how things were. I mentioned the move and that I received text messages from R about reconciling. She asked about if we are visiting at the Children's Treehouse and how the visits were going. I told her that R hadn't scheduled any appointments.

And what about me seeing my son. I just shook my head and explained the court said it wasn't safe for us to visit due to M's apparent anger towards me. She went on to give me example's of others that had situations where marriages broke up due to an affair in the relationship.

This made me mad! I put away any kind of anger and reminded her as best I could that I left the SOB due to domestic violence. That I was tired and scared that I would have not lived through the following year if I stayed.

I was tired of getting hit, pushed, called names, being accused of cheating, being raped if I didn't want to have sex, having my hair pulled, watching my kids see me spanked or smacked, being pushed down the stairs and more. I was tired!

She didn't know what to say at first. She sat there stunned. She apologized, she assumed that M was upset that Terry broke up the marriage. I said that the marriage was broken long before Terry entered the picture.

M's anger and fighting in school started back in 4th and 5th grade. It had nothing to do with my leaving his Dad.We talked a bit more and then I headed out.

I got to the car and just cried. I was so upset by the comments she made. Upset that I was reminded once again by the crap he put me and the kids through. I felt ugly when I told her about these things. I felt stupid again too for putting up with it for so long. I was a mess for the rest of the day. I told Terry about the incident and it made him upset as well. She is the same lady that made Terry leave back in 2009 when Matt attacked him at the court house. If he would have been able to stay perhaps that wouldn't have happened.

I have gotten messages yesterday from M and then later his Dad, R. Rambling that I wouldn't let M see the girls for Christmas! HELLO! His Dad has supervised visits and I can not just let the girls go. I was so tee'd off on Christmas due to me telling the girls to wish Grandma A Merry Christmas, but Grandma pleaded with J to talk to her Dad. J said no, but then relented to make Grandma happy. R grew upset when A didn't want to talk to him. J asked her sister 2 more times and A mouthed no! Then ran into the bathroom and hid for about a half hour. She was scared.

GGGRRR!!! R ended the conversation with "I guess that's another strike against your Mother!"

I really don't like that man! I have had a upset stomach for days. Why do I let him get under my skin?
I do not believe he knows we moved yet. I know he will be on the war path once he finds out! BIG CHEESY GRIN!

And since he kept harassing me with text messages I blocked him and Matt. I was so upset from the messages. Terry said enough is enough. I didn't need to be beat down by them. I was relieved but not by any means in better spirits. SIGH! March 6th hurry up!

No guts! No glory!

There is little to be said about a man (or woman) that beats on another person.
I have a hard time digesting the case studies and the psycho mumbo jumbo that I find to support the fact that many abusers had a rough life growing up so they continue a cycle.

I believe in choices!

I believe right from wrong and knowing well enough once the person is old enough to distinguish between the two.

I believe that once the person acts on a impulse to harm another that it gets easier to repeat again down the road.

I believe that staying in this type of relationship with Mr. or Mrs. Psycho Gaslighter Abuser or whatever you want to call this person is not an easy choice to choose.

We each have to decide when enough is enough.

We each have to decide that road to destruction or the path to being a victim due to placing blinders up is our choice.

I had a choice to leave the SOB many times.

I choose to stay due to his intimidation.

I choose to stay because I would have no money or job, no place to go.

I believed every lie he told me to keep me with him. I choose to believe every lie that I wouldn't make it without him.

I choose to believe that our relationship was "Normal".

I choose to believe his apologizes and he would never do it again.

I made my choice by saying Yes to everything he told me. To making excuses for his behavior and his actions to family and friends.

I choose my private hell.

I choose to stay.

I choose to believe I could make him change or help him to change.

I choose to believe that he loved me and all the lies he told me that tore my spirit down to shreds to make himself feel better or come out on top.

I allowed him to take pieces of me because of the hard on he got from hurting me.

I take part of the responsibility for the way things turned out. But...

There comes a time when enough is enough. You get tired of the name calling, the punches, or bloody lips or just the nervousness of not knowing if it will be a good day or bad day when he/she comes through that door.

Leaving.

Honey! It isn't easy! No sugar coating it! Prince charming in many cases isn't around the corner to swoop in and save the day. If there is a man around the corner, more then likely he is wearing tin foil. Beware of a wolf in sheep clothing! Jumping out of a relationship soon after the taking the leap of faith isn't a wise choice!

Heading the nearest bar or dance club isn't the answer either.


YOU HAVE TO HEAL!

This takes time! Now I am talking many months to YEARS!

Remember during this time of separation he/she will tell you everything you want to hear (even if it the 5th time you left!). They promise to change for real this time! Promise to take meds or kick the drug/alcohol habit! They promise to never do whatever they did to you (kids) again.

You will hear begging.


You will hear pleading.

You may get flowers.

Offers to buy you things or dinner/lunch.


If a number or days or weeks go by you may hear things like:


Who are you seeing?
Were you *ucking someone all this time?
Or I know you are seeing someone else!
It's your fault we didn't work out! If you only didn't make me mad or fly off the handle we wouldn't have problems!
You didn't make the appointments for the counseling!
You didn't take my drugs or alcohol away. You must not love me!
If you really loved me you wouldn't leave me.
I suffered from abuse from you all these years don't lie to people and say it was me! (popular one used by these abusers!)


It quickly yo-yo's back until your reserve is down and you long to keep the relationship together so you cave!


Well, he/she wants to just talk. What's the harm in that?


The harm is they really don't want to be alone. They have molded you and vested time making you into the punching bag they neurotically love to beat down with words or fists. Whether in a lucid or drug induced state when this happens. It is wrong!

They have you where they want you!


Be strong! It is hard! Your nose has taken on a Karl Malden look. (I personally don't cry as pretty as Demi Moore did in Ghost). I went through countless boxes of tissue even though I was thrilled and relieved to be gone there was a mourning period.

Leaving is a hard thing.
It takes guts to stand up and leave. It takes guts to know when enough is enough! There is glory and when you finally have had the balls to leave you will have glory, peace and your sanity back. It takes time but it will happen!


Learn to love you again! I've said this countless times. Find you again! The "You" that loved life. The "You" that had aspirations of good things. The "You" that had friends or found joy in doing whatever tickled you. Take time to rediscover "You".

Be safe my friend! If you don't have a safety plan please do so! Check out previous entries about Safety plans or Safety. Let other close friends and family know what is going on in your life. Don't keep it a secret any longer!

So you left him now what?

Your eyes are red, nose looks like Rudolph, salt stains seem to be perminately tattooed to your cheeks, so now what?

Stop checking your email and phone for messages from him.

Think about your future. It seems bleak right now.

You may be in a situation where you have no job, no place to go and no money. If you have kids you have an additional worry.

IF you planned your escape then I am hoping you had a "Go Bag" together so you aren't left without things you really need or important papers. Hopefully you have a small stash of cash on hand. If not make sure you find contact information for the nearest Women's shelter. They can provide you with information to help you on your new journey!

This is a new start for you! You can make it! Brush off those thoughts of doing yourself harm or getting revenge on him. It's pointless!

Put your Big Girl panties on and realize you can make it!

Make a list of everything you can think of that you have together. From the toaster to the ice trays!
Make a list of where you want to be in 6 months, a year or 2 years!

Do things you always wanted to do! Take up a new hobby! Spend time with your kids or pets. Learn to love yourself all over again.

Small steps but you can do it!

We moved!

We did it! I wish I could share where we are but the only thing I can say is that we are still in Indiana and within 100 miles of Crazy Man. I feel relieved! It happened so fast!

I hope to notify the court of a new PO Box soon. I need proof of residency first. Figures! But I got to tell you it is so nice not to have to look over my shoulder!

Oh I don't want to get cocky! The week before we were all out my son texted me that he wanted to know if Dad knew where were moving to... YIKES! Never another comment though.

So that's it! Hope to stay safe! Wishing everyone finds the strength to leave and to learn to love themselves again.

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Leaving Mr. or Ms. Abuser

So you have decided to do it or for whatever reason you are out!

YEA YOU!

If you had time to plan your big leap great!

If you didn't and are out of the house and wonder how to get your things from the bum think about this.

Your alive! THINGS can be REPLACED! Staying in a toxic relationship because you have property that you are fixing up together or selling or because you will be damned if you leave first is stupid!

Get your head out of your butt!

There is no price tag on your life or the lives of your child or pets.

I ended up selling or throwing out the things I did manage to get back from Rob because of the memories attached. The things that he broke or sold instead of giving them back to me after time I realized I really didn't need them.

Check out my Checklist for leaving your abuser entry if you have time to plan.

There is never a good time to leave a relationship. But there is never a bad time to leave a toxic abusive relationship!

Stay safe!