A victim may feel powerless to leave. They make you feel empathy for them. They may even feel they can't live without this person.
This
can also be called, “Stockholm Syndrome” in an abusive
relationship. It can be formed quickly and last even after a
relationship has been severed. (Find the video for this here- What is Trauma Bonding?)
There
can be times of love, tenderness, and then cruelty. The victim can
have a paralyzing fear and feel helpless. The abuser isolates the
victim slowly convincing them that they are the only one they can
trust or they are the only one they can trust. This can make “no
contact orders” hard to keep. Victims may no longer trust their
instincts.
There
can be a “Honeymoon stage” of a happy relationship, then a build-up of things that “go wrong” which can explode into
jealousy, rage, bitterness, and then apologies from the abuser. With
the cycle starting all over again.
You
may create coping skills to deal with your situation. Your identity,
self-worth, and your own needs may get lost during this relationship.
The
abuser may attempt to control or mold the
victim, they may showering them with gifts, a hug, promising to listen to the victims
concerns or to reward the victim because they did as they were told.
Can
use sex as a punishment, could be highly addicted to sexual or does
not respect No means no!
How
do you know if you are in a Trauma bonded relationship?
You
can feel powerless or stuck but try to make the best of your
situation.
There
are times when you don't love/like or want to be with the abuser but
don't feel that you can leave.
You
may feel that you don't deserve better, no one will want you, feel
inferior, you may begin self-destructive behavior, prostitution (With
the belief that's all your good for), self-harm, or that you somehow
should be punished or mistreated by a person.
You
may promise you won't do whatever it was that set the abuser off.
You
may rationalize that your partner isn't always this way. Or they are
only this way when they drink, use drugs, have little to no money, or
if they hang out with certain people.
You
may feel you can change the person, or if you have a baby things will
change, if you get married things will change, or if you get a better
job you won't argue about money.
You
overlook the bad in the person because of all the “good” they do. For example, they help or are active in church or the community.
Your
family or friends have confided they believe you need to break it off
with this person but,
you defend the relationship.
You
physically feel sick thinking about leaving or that you may die if
you leave. That you can't live without them.
The
other person lets you down or doesn't support your dreams, thoughts,
or ideas. Toxic people threaten to sue or to change custody or child
support if you don't comply or listen to whatever is irking them at
that moment.
Can
you heal from this toxic relationship? Yes, you can! How?
Go
no contact! This may mean you have another person check messages or voice mail messages. If you have to co-parent drop off and pick-up
children in a public spot. Don't engage your abuser! If this doesn't work stick to the facts ignore heated words or exchanges. Don't
respond! Abusers don't listen to boundaries so it is up to you to make sure you protect yourself by stopping harassing or abusive messages.
Be
careful during family get-togethers, school, or holiday gatherings.
Even if your children or family want you to make an appearance
explain the best you can and try to avoid the situation if at all
possible.
Let
your boss, school, or medical staff know what is going on. Your
abuser may try to get you fired from your place of employment, paint
you as the aggressor, lie about things that happened between the two
of you or worse.
It
can be hard not to let your mind and heart wander to the past. But,
remember a healthy relationship doesn't make you feel unworthy or belittled. Consider jotting down the reasons you left your relationship and look it over anytime you feel like going back.
Start
trusting your instincts again! If you feel off about a person or situation trust yourself to take things cautiously. If you are starting a new romance or relationship don't leave your children or furbabies alone with this person until you can truly feel that you trust them. It may take time for this to happen and trust the instincts of your children and or if your pet doesn't like this person. Introduce this new person slowly.
Slowly
rebuild your life again. This may mean you move to an entirely new place, let go of old friends or family, find a new job. Take every day with small steps. What did you want to be when you “grew up”? What are your favorite hobbies? What have you always wanted to do? Or where did you always want to go? Join a health club, or start walking. Exercise is helpful when you are healing. It sends
good vibes to your body and can increase good endorphins to your brain and the rest of you! This is a great stress reliever! You don't have to sign up for a marathon or hot Yoga. Start slow!
Start
journaling your thoughts and feelings, let the tears flow, cry or scream if you need to. You don't have to keep this you can tear it up or save it to use for legal purposes. When you are going through a traumatic relationship you may forget things. This is our bodies why of protecting us! It's normal and natural. Don't be hard on yourself for not remembering things.
Talk
to a supportive friend or counselor about your past. Learn new
patterns to help you overcome any issues with trust, boundaries,
taking steps to heal, or coping skills to help with PTSD,
Depression, Anxiety, or other health issues.
Listen
to uplifting and positive music, podcasts, reading good books, or movies. Do some soul work with digging into your Bible/Torah/etc...
Do affirmations, mirror work, grounding, or meditation.
Believe
in yourself! Don't be surprised if after time health problems lessen or go away!
One
last thing how do you know what's a healthy relationship?
Someone
that says, “I understand.” or “I hear your concerns, I love
you.” (No strings attached) and the words align with actions, there
is mutual trust, has boundaries and respects yours, no hidden agenda,
open communication gives partners time to grow, heal and evolve.
I hope these help! Don't hesitate to message me privately if you need to talk. Stay safe and BIG HUGS!
Mel
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