Local paper interview!

It is finally published! (The Lowell Tribune- Lowell, IN) What can I say? I'm at a loss. There was a few things I wished I had said different, or added. All and all this is a stepping stone for me to start working on my book.

I do find myself putting it off for anxiety reasons but know that it will be good therapy and I'm not really doing it for me. I am doing it to share my story so other women or men know they aren't alone in they're struggle for safety.

Don't lose hope! Educate yourself the best you can. It is easy to feel sad, hopeless, angry or defeated. The roller coaster of emotions can send some back to the abuser so many have desperately tried to escape for fear of financial ruin, no home or feeling alone.

You can also have feelings of regret, or empathy for your abuser. Your not weird about feeling these things. I struggled with these issues for many years and even after I left for good in 2009, I still felt those things and more. The swirl of emotions can boggle your mind.

Be patient with yourself during this whole process. Be patient with the legal/immigration system. If you have kids, please be patient with them! Remember they are hurting and depending on the age, they may be as twitterpated as you are. Unlike adults, children have a different way of coping with separation and abuse (Any type of abuse).

Some children may become hermits or loners. Others may become aggressive, violent or mouthy. They may use language or behavior that is a opposite how they used to act. I'm not saying this is OK behavior. It's not but you need to understand you are not alone during what seems like a dark time in your life.

It can be hard to keep it together and keep a straight face or positive outlook. Pushing your children away at this time is not a good idea. Remind they that none of this is any fault of theirs. If you need to locate services in your area to get counseling for you and your children. 

Stay safe!
BIG HUGS and PRAYERS!
Mel

Safety plan revisit

I'm now one of those survival geeky types that browses "Youtube" for new ideas on how to simplify "Go bags" or "Go kits". It is amazing what you can fit in an Altoid or candy tin!

OK, Mel, where are you going with this?

If you can't take a "Go bag" due to heighten awareness of your abuser, how about a candy tin?

Maybe your abuser took your cell phone. Do you know phone numbers for your emergency contact? Do you have a paper phone book? Knowing a phone number for your friends and family is a lost art. It's up there with snail mail, so gathering numbers for someone in an emergency is important!

Since you may not be able to tailor a "Go bag or Kit", gather a small amount of items for your candy tin survival kit. A small list of phone numbers can be placed on the lid of your kit, band-aid, spare car key or house key (If your abuser locks you out or takes your keys), change for a pay phone/phone card, mini flash light, tiny knife, birthday candles... The list can go on and on. Tailor it to your needs for an emergency. This doesn't have to be just for an abusive situation.

Keep it in your glove box of your car or it's small enough for your purse. Cover your bases!

I had been in a situation when I was with my abuser in which he cut my driver license, debit card and took my house/car keys, he took all of the bills/cash/checkbook in the house too. I felt like a prisoner. I think of the "should have done's and could have done's" now.

The point of this rambling is to be pro-active in your safety. HAVE A PLAN. I would like you to feel empowered rather then a victim in your situation.

Stay safe!
God bless!

Mel

My story is getting out!

This year has been very inspiring, up-lifting and encouraging to me.

I had the privilege of having my bio run on Patheos from a request by a dear strong woman that had experienced abuse in her marriage. I appreciate her kindness as well as her perseverance to over-come that to become a successful business owner, Author, and Radio/TV personality. She was one of my cheerleaders from the beginning of my journey. You can find her uplifting blog and my bio here- http://www.patheos.com/blogs/ahappymedium/2013/02/notbrokenbutbrave/

I was equally blessed to run into a woman covering a story about a CPR class a few months back. I did ask if she (Or the paper) maybe interested in covering a story about DV. I gave her my email and she did contact me about doing the interview (I may have already wrote about this but I have Mommy brain, please excuse me!). I am happy to say that it will be out tomorrow in the local paper-
http://www.thelowelltribune.com .

Of course this has brought some unforeseen physical issues with me. some parts of my body have started twitching. I felt a panic attack come on this morning, luckily I was able to talk myself through it and my kids reassured me everything was OK. Terry and I went to an auction today that totally took my mind off things. I was lucky to score some cool things for our next "Hoard sale".

Normalcy

There I said it! I'm longing for that time when I have no worries about crazy ex stuff. A friend bumped into my ex, which made for a uncomfortable time for the person as my ex started saying nasty and the usual ravings about how awful I am.  

Some things never change. . .

I have been hemming and hawing writing my story. I can blog all day long, but stepping into the Author arena is scary. I believe it needs to be told but saying it out loud is easier. I'm not sure why.

And no, I didn't drink before this picture was taken. HAHA!

Blessings! Stay safe!
Mel

What does abuse look like?

I had a brief chat with a woman from work. I mentioned that she was being abused and her reply was "Oh, my partner doesn't beat me.".

That made me think...

What do people think abuse is?
What does abuse look like?

Abuse does not "have" to be physical to be abuse.

Abuse can be sexual.
Abuse can be emotional.
Abuse can be mental.
Abuse can be financial.
Abuse does not discriminate!

Abuse can happen to:
The Old, the young, middle age, men, women, children.

Abuse can happen at:

Home or the workplace

Abuse can happen to you!

*Are you in a volatile situation or know someone that is? Please refer to the Safety plan or Safety label for more information"

Stay safe!

Blessings and prayers!
Mel
 

Terms you should know in a divorce/separation

Terms you should know if you are in the legal system seeking a separation or divorce from an abusive partner-

Guardian ad litem?

A Guardian ad litem (GAL) is a person the court appoints to represent the best interests of a child in a divorce or parental rights and responsibilities case. The GAL will investigate the family situation and advise the court about where a child should live and what type of contact parents should have with their children.

What is divorce mediation, and how is it different from arbitration?

Divorce mediation is a process in which divorcing spouses try to negotiate an acceptable divorce agreement with the help of a neutral third party: the mediator. The mediator helps the spouses to communicate and negotiate but doesn't make any decisions for them.

Both mediation and arbitration involve a neutral third party who is not a judge. In mediation, the neutral party has no power to make decisions. In arbitration, the neutral third party -- the arbitrator -- listens to the facts and then decides the case, just as a judge would. Although the parties can present evidence and make arguments, they have no say in the final decision.

Visitation/Supervised visitation


Visitation is the arrangement set out for contact between the child and the parent (or 3rd party) who does not maintain the primary residence for the child. Visitation can be set out in a number of ways including a flexible visitation schedule, reasonable visitation as determined by the custodial parent , a structured visitation schedule to include holidays, weekends and summer vacations and supervised visitation..
If one parent has sole legal custody, that parent has the authority to make long range decisions regarding the health, education and religious decisions for the child. . The parent who does not have legal custody, should not attempt to subvert those decisions. For example, if the parent with legal custody has decided to raise the child in the Jewish tradition, the parent with visitation rights should not take the child to be baptized in a Catholic church.

How do you determine a visitation schedule?

The courts encourage parents to work together to determine the visitation schedule that will be in the best interest of the child. Such factors as school and work schedules, family traditions, distance of the parents homes, other siblings and family members, health requirements and other personal issues effect each visitation schedule uniquely. If parents are able to work together to set a schedule that will benefit the child’s needs and accommodate the parents schedules, the courts have mediation resources available to assist. Court certified mediators are available in every county to provide neutral assistance to allow the parents to meet the needs of their child.

Who can be awarded visitation?

Obviously a biological parent can be awarded visitation . Additionally, grandparents (even when the parents weren't married or are not currently divorced) and step-parents may be awarded visitation rights. While there are no reported cases of brothers or sisters being given visitation , a strong argument could be made that it would be in the best interest of the child.

When can visitation be denied?

If the child is in an unsafe situation, it is important that the problem is brought to the attention of the court and other agencies that might be appropriate. The court has the power to deny visitation to a parent. Normally the court will only stop visitation for a certain time or until a certain task is performed. If the parent with primary residency denies court ordered visitation , the parent who has been denied visitation should consider filing an action for contempt and/or modification of the existing order.

Are visitation rights contingent on the payment of child support and vice versa?
 
No. Court ordered visitation rights may not be denied to the non-custodial parent, even though the non-custodial parent is not paying child support. A parent who has been denied visitation does not have the right to stop paying court ordered child support. Not following court orders will place you in contempt and will only get you in trouble with the possibility of jail time.

When is supervised visitation or monitored exchanges appropriate?

Supervised visitation protects the safety of the child and centers are available throughout Maryland. "Monitored Exchange" programs allow the child to be exchanged and move from one parent to the other without the parents having contact.

Many parents and children who are separating or divorcing in difficult circumstances need help from a neutral third party in arranging for visitation . Although emotions may be running high between the parents, it is in the child's best interests that they should consider that in most situations children want to continue relationships with both parents. If the child’s parentl wants to maintain a relationship with the child, judges are unlikely to terminate the rights of the parent to visit. In particularly volatile situations, supervised visitation or monitored exchanges should be considered. Supervised visitation is visitation between a parent and child held at a neutral location. Supervised visitations are closely monitored by staff who may intervene when necessary to ensure appropriate parent/child interactions.

Monitored exchange occur at a neutral center where the parents pre-arrange times at which the parents exchange the child. Staggered pick-up and drop-off times are usually arranged so that the parents do not have to be in contact with one another. The actual exchange is monitored by staff who generally try to ease the process for the child.

When might I consider using one of these services?

Supervised visitation may be useful in situations where the parent who does not have primary residence:

is working on improving his/her parenting skills;
may have a drug or alcohol abuse problem;
has been abusive or has had trouble controlling anger; or
may have been involved in inappropriate sexual behavior with the child.

Monitored exchanges may be useful in any of the situations described above, particularly if the parent who does not have the primary residence completed treatment and is ready for unsupervised visits. Monitored exchanges may also be helpful when parents separate and find themselves arguing or when there is a history of domestic violence. If any violence was directed at the child, supervised visitation may be most appropriate.
How do I arrange for these services?

Most people find the services through referrals from the courts, Family Services, or Child Protective Services. Others negotiate visitation agreements that include one of these arrangements.

* I am not an Attorney. Please ask your lawyer or advocate information. Educate yourself on the system. Ask questions about EVERYTHING. You are paying a person (or blessed to have a Pro-bono atty), talk to them, inquire about what's going on. Voice your concerns. Try to keep your emotions in check. I know it's not easy. This is the tough part! Listen, take notes, ask questions and if need be take someone with you or ask if you can record the meeting to make sure you don't miss anything. 

Think about things to ask your legal person before you go to make sure you hit the things you feel are important. Be reliable, upfront and honest! Depending on circumstances in your break-up, you may have children or pets to protect.

Leave no stone unturned! If your legal representative seems as though they aren't truly listening or understanding- FIRE THEM! Don't be afraid to fire them. You can do this! Surprised? It does push back your court proceedings when this happens but make sure you feel comfortable with the person representing you. 

Pick someone that can work with you, whether it be someone that has worked with abuse victims before or someone that is sympathetic and not just out for a fat check.

You can actually do much or all the separation/divorce yourself. Now this is frustrating, empowering and can be rewarding. Many states offer Legal Assistance or Legal Aid or even some Pro-Bono attorneys that can help you, prepare, file, give advice or represent you if you need it! Honest! Call or check out your local governments website for more information. 

Women's Shelters- If you are lucky and don't have to stay in a shelter that is wonderful. These places can not only help you if you need shelter in an emergency, but they have resources for counseling, legal assistance, advocates, housing, help with job searches/resume and more! (Guys you can call too!)

Stay safe! Read and learn all you can about the courtroom.

Blessings!
Mel

I'm rooting for you!

Almost 4 years- Lessons learned

These few years seem to have flown so quickly. Though there were many points along the way I thought time would never pass fast enough to get the legal process part of our divorce done.

I have found some amazing things along the way, which I would like to share with you!

1) God didn't give up on me! He didn't let me just throw in the towel. He knew the who, what and when of the whole situation. And nudge me on when I felt defeated by a some sort of sign, person or dream when I needed it.


2) Good support of family and friends. Everyone close to me has been caring, great listeners and supportive of these events. My church family has been wonderful too! We appreciate the prayers, my Pastor and his Wife, have been AWESOME!

3) The kindness of strangers

4) That I am stronger, even through the pain of it all

5) I'm finding peace in every moment- Even when my teens are doing the "Teen thing"

6) More patience with everything. Things happen for a reason! A divine meeting or chance that worked out well for us. Even when things seemed dark.

7) The legal system WILL work even though it seems like the legal birds appear to have they're heads up... Anyway! It does work. It takes time and patience!

8) The importance of being situational aware! I make sure I know my surroundings without being conspicuous. Knowing where exits are. If  alone in a restaurant I make sure I am facing the door so I can see who comes in. Make sure my doors on car and around my home are secure. Changing path how get to my destination. Changing my passwords on email, banking, utilities, and so on. Carry permit and lessons on safety and shooting. Self defense class- youtube has some good ones!

I check a parking lot out before I park. I make sure I pay attention to my surroundings as best possible. Check parking lot again when heading to my car. Check car out quickly before leaving. Again, watch out to make sure no one is following. These tips may sound paranoid, but they could save your life! Early on my ex had hired someone to follow us/take pictures and later paid the person to kill me. I had a feeling he or someone was following but could never pin point it. Many months later it came to light his plan, thank goodness the person he hired got cold feet, if he hadn't I could rank among the hundreds (if not thousands- not sure if the stats but you get the picture) of persons murdered in the States daily.

If you feel that someone is watching or something feels off, call the police! I have talked to the local police several times to patrol our area when I got a feeling. They are happy to go through the area or even your home. Better safe then sorry! Always tell a friend or family member where you are heading, how long you will be and when you return. I know you may feel like all these are over-the-top or child like, all it takes is a moment for someone to do something dangerous that could be life or death for you.

NEVER be alone if you can help it! Ask someone to be with you during whatever the event or matter is. Even to court. Sneaky things can happen in the parking lot or on the premises.

Make sure you have a new cell phone account that is YOURS. That your ex does NOT have control of so he can not use GPS or call tracking. When taking pictures with cell phones please watch what you post on social media. Your abuser can figure out where you are or were if they are savvy enough.
If you have a computer/laptop, consider wiping it clean or getting a new one. Some abusers have been known to log on to your computer without you knowing and this could also be detrimental to your finances or personal safety!

Please view my Safety plan or Safety blogs for more tips or information.

9) It will take time to heal, both physically, mentally or emotionally. There is no way to rush this part. Everyone heals at they're own pace. Not everyone has PTSD or Health related conditions brought on by the stress of an abusive relationship. I am currently researching the effects of abuse on children, not just that the cycle of abuse may continue but the proven facts that most childhood illness could be related to abuse in some form and instead be PTSD. Examples, bed-wetting, ADHD, ADD, Epilepsy, Depression and more! I have a friend that mentioned that since they have not been living in the situation of abuse for months her son has shown marked improvement in his Asperger's Autism! Of course, further evaluation is needed from a medical standpoint. I am not a therapist or medical professional (Medical Assistant and Doula, I am told do not count- SHUCKS!). Please research and monitor your child(ren) yourself to see if there is improvement.

10) Relax! All these things shall pass. Life as precious as it is, can be done in a blink of an eye. I heard on a Christian radio station, that we are but a vapor or mist, with a short span here on earth. I liked that. Make this life count. If you have a child or pet, pick yourself up, dust off the past and start anew! Everyday is a new beginning to start over. Break bad habits. Improve yourself in some way. Smile at strangers and even say Hello! Journal, I just heard about SMASH books (form of a journal) I can't wait to try. I hear glitter and glue in my future! Create a vision board or a wish list on paper or virtual of things you would like to do. Outlandish or easy to do things or wishes. Take these and run!  Small steps! Try to get 2 things or more done a month or a season.

11) Clear the clutter. OK, Melinda, I had you for a bit now clean?! Clutter breeds chaos. I am very spiritual, in saying this, there are energies that love clutter, dirt, disorganization and filth. (No I am not pointing fingers and I am not the most organized person. Ask my husband!)

A cluttered house, car or office area can cause you and those around you to feel anger, dread of coming home or work or even in your car. I have been using a rule that if I have not used it in 6 months it goes into my selling pile or donated to local Mom and Pop resale shop (I love to help out local businesses!). Grab some garbage bags or boxes and get moving!

12) The dreaded word- EXERCISE! Whether from the comfort of your home or blazing your own path running. Exercise is a great way to help relax you, get your body moving towards better health and has been proven to help you heal after an abusive relationship! I myself am not a twig, I have a bad back, my knees have been doing some funky clicking and hurting lately. A sign of my age (42). I try to exercise at least 3 to 5 times a week, a half hour or longer if I can. It has been very therapeutic for me.

13) Talk to someone! Finding an outlet to talk about your experiences can be super important to your whole being. Keeping your abuse under wraps can be harmful to your health. Getting it out, bearing your soul to a group, friend, therapist is very important!. Personally, I have shared my thoughts on therapists and psychologist but to each their own. I don't believe in medication anymore, unless life-threatening (that's going to be part of my other blog)

14) Find yourself. I hate to sound repetitive, but I recently was privileged to win a scholarship to "Step our and Sparkle your life" with my fav intuitive, Kristy Robinett! In the few weeks I have been a part of a great group of gals, I have peeked under the cracks of my feelings to heal, re-new and rediscover me. It has been a very challenging, inspirational and empowering experience. I have gleaned a lot from both Kristy and the ladies involved. I have found I'm not alone in feeling a low self esteem.  I have made some great new friends and support this way! Do something you enjoy or once had a passion for. You maybe alone now, so what?! Being alone with just you, can be a enjoyable adventure!

I have discovered a farm life- Filled with chickens, canning, raising rabbits, aquaponics, soon bees and ducks! I enjoy gardening,composting, self-sufficient lifestyle still love antiques/garage sales, learning how to crochet, crafts of all sorts, learning about herbs and edibles in my yard (dandelions, purslane, chickweed, etc...). I finally took my CPR class so I can add that to my list of things to do 2013 both for myself and to add to my resume (Med. Assistant/Doula). I am finding me! I am enjoying the "Normalcy" of life. I love my life! I have $8.00 in the bank, but say Positive affirmations to improve my financial success as well as self improve me.

I could go on and on... You my dear blog reader are always in my prayers. Please if you are in some form of abusive relationship, get help from a shelter or call your local law enforcement. You can do it! I know your scared. You need to do this for you. Is this the life you want for the next 5 years? 10 years? Will you live that long? Will your child (pet) follow in the cycle of abuse? Do you want that for them? I can't tell you when jump from an abusive relationship. Only you can do that. Do not wait too long. Do not use the excuse of lack of finances, or place to live or no job. Call a local shelter, they have resources to help you! Or confess to a friend or family member. If there is a will there is a way.

BIG HUGS! I believe in you!
Mel

Reader comments...

I dated a sociopath for 5 years. He was a heroin addict and he employed many family members and these friends of his as negative advocates. He would tell his family I was crazy and infact it was him. he moved to north carolina two years ago and was suppose to return to nj. well i discovered cheating plotting gas lighting and more.i found out that he was a lie. it alk came out after his dad died from cancer this year. but alot of who he is has been revealed. now i see the real him. i tricked him into thinking i was so hurt that he hurt me. now he is gone and i hope i never see him or his family again on Gaslight's- Sociopath mind games

Anonymous

I enjoyed reading your site. Most of all the poem.I had a friend who is a Sociopath. I did not know for over ten years. I found out when it was to late. He destroyed most of my life. I do not wont to write forever about it. But thank you for the poem once again. on Gaslight's- Sociopath mind games

Anonymous

I have been thinking of you and I understand the sad feelings, I know them all to well!! I think you should throw a bash of some sort I think it would be a good thing for you! i hope you have a great day!! on Winding down to Final hearing!

Y.P.

God is keeping you strong. Prayers continue. It sounds like the courts want to start bringing closure to this situation. on Final hearing!

ME

It seems like this was written just for me. Thank you! I don't know if this is the time I will find the courage to get him out of the house or not. I have people in my life who still think this can work. I am afraid that the stronger I get, the more stops he will pull out. He's already starting. I'm going to review and print out the safety plan information you so generously provide. I have a general plan and a few things at other's houses, but I need something more organized and truly safe. Thank you! P.S. You are a very good teacher and for that I am thankful! on No guts! No glory!

The Teacher

Leaving was a really hard decision and I kept thinking of how I wouldnt be able to make it on my own. I was wrong. not going to lie it was difficult but I never thought i'd feel any sort of relief. making a list of things im proud of and things I wanted to do did help me. It took time to heal and im still healing but im glad i got the courage to finally leave the guy. on So you left him now what?

r33na

Oh dear, I so wish that I could do this without leaving him, but he is back to his antics, so I think it's becoming inevitable. I look like a tear-stained Rudolph while I'm still with him. on So you left him now what?

The Teacher