Exfoliate your life!

That is my favorite line! A very wise woman once told me I needed to "Exfoliate my life"! Scrubbing away emotions, people and things from my life.

I pondered this for sometime. I did realize seeing somethings from my marriage caused me great distress, despite the ordinariness (Not sure if that is a word) of the item. From time to time they triggered a memory which would bring me to my knees or cause me to fall into a depressive state.

Talking with another Survivor- "Journey of Grace" on blogspot. I usually don't talk to that much about my story to everyone. So, opening to her has been very much blessing! She mentioned that a certain object was unknowingly triggering memories and physical issues with her and she needed to replace it to move on. Which reminded me again of the rampage I went through a few times! I ransacked my closet and other things I had around the house that reminded me of my abuser. Everything from the slutty/sexy clothes he bought me to wear for him to decor pictures on the wall to even some of the vintage things I was selling online. I threw many things of the clothes away (sorry landfills!) and donated to a local thrift store much of the other things.

I felt as though a weight had lifted up off my shoulders!

I know for sure I have 2 pictures in the Living room that I'm sure have some lingering psychic impression on them of a time that was filled with some joy, fear and sadness. I'm debating about these two. I may toss them on a table this week and sell them. I love the pictures! They are adorable... Rambling!

Now, not everyone has these issues, so don't go throwing out everything! Think to yourself first about whatever it is that could be a catalyst for Panic/Anxiety attack or PTSD issues. Yes, I know somethings are pricey just to get rid of. Whether it be a bed, or jewelry or clothes, it's a personal choice. A house? Well, that's a really big item. Personally, I didn't want the house because of the memories involved. It was best to start over.

Things. Stuff. Kitchy things. They are just things. Ever hear you can't take it with you? Just something to think about my Dear Blogger! Don't forget you are worthy of wonderful things!

Keep safe! Remember you can find me on FB as hopewhentherewasnone. Please pass this on to anyone that maybe suffering in silence.

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Gaslighters handbook

Label your abuser with whatever term fits- Gaslighter, NARC, Psycho, mentally challenged or some random harsher language word. Despite what runs through my head I dare not lower myself to the words he has called me. I decided a long time ago to be a bigger person!

It's hard to leave your abuser. It's even harder to stay in the relationship!

Once you leave or kick him/her to the curb the abuse doesn't magically go away. Your abuser is still abusive. But you do not have to take it! If you still have physical contact in some form due to child arrangements or other random contact, you can leave or ask him/her to leave. If it is phone contact or email you can hang up or ignore the person.

I got to tell you the first time I hung up on my ex, it was empowering! I didn't do it to antagonize him, I did it to save myself further hurt feelings. And I did it because I COULD! My heart raced afterwards and I felt the adrenaline running throughout my whole body. I don't think I actually breathed for what seemed like several minutes after. The answer is yes he called back numerous times but I ignored his calls. That made me giggle! I felt elated! Not in a mean way, but as a feeling that I don't need to take any abuse of any sort from him EVER!

I have chatted with many Victims and Survivors of abuse and the story seems to be the same. The only difference in some stories is whether or not substance abuse in some way was used. Some abusers only hurt you if they are drinking or using drugs. But then again that's the story you tell yourself. I have found that many of the abusers are still in some way Gaslighting and the Victim makes excuses to explain that he/she is having a bad day or just grumpy or mouthy. They only abuse when they use. So the victim waits for the next binge or drink...

Sounds scary to me! I'm not sure which way is more worrisome to me! I worried daily about the "other shoe dropping". I can't imagine the other. No matter, if you find yourself chatting with another person that has been abused it seems as though they share very similar stories that it's spooky! I often make light that my ex must have a long lost sister or brother because they sound so much alike.

They don't actually have a Gaslighter handbook. But it does seem like if there was they would have read from the same book! Remember these things are not in your head. If you once doubt your experiences then you are SANE! You have to know you are not alone! You have to learn that you can survive and be free. You have to know that it's ok to call the police, leave a papertrail! If you have kids teach your children to call police if need be. My daughter called police during a supervised visitation last summer at my ex in-laws after there was a heated exchange between her grandparents, her and my ex.

The years that I was with my ex kind of meld together to the point where I don't recall many things. But, with the PTSD I have times where I am inundated with memories that trouble me deeply. For the last 12 years of my marriage I had pleaded with my ex to "Let me go". I begged him. I told him if I was so worthless why keep me? Why stay married? Then he would just play mind games with me. Afterwards he would confess to love me. Or just be oblivious to the incident as though waking from a dream and not knowing why I was upset or injured (he would almost always say he didn't remember hurting me or the kids and that we made it up).  I have mentioned before how surreal my life seems now compared to years ago. I feel blessed that we survived. We aren't out of the storm due to court ordered supervised Therapeutic counseling, which will make us vulnerable to physical contact with my ex and my son.  I feel safe knowing he does not know where we reside. Though it bugs me that I look over my shoulder and worry about him following me when he sees us. Be aware of your surroundings Dear Blog reader! Let someone know where you are at all times. Tedious but it could save your life...

If you are afraid to leave, that's normal! Confide in a friend or family member. Tell someone you trust. Please check out previous posts on "Leaving your abuser" or "Safety plan". Above all if you feel like you or your children are endanger don't stay! If you can not leave for you please think about your children/pets. Abuse is a cycle that needs to be broken.

Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Sweet escape

*older post I forgot about on FB blogs*

Sweet escape leaving an abuser

by Melinda Kunst on Tuesday, July 27, 2010 at 4:47pm ·

Reaching down and digging deep has been a constant struggle. After speaking with many people and hearing that you are suffering from abuse was shocking in some sense. I knew I was but to hear it from others was an eye opener. Over a year later the after effects of the abuse linger, almost like a sore spot that has never really healed. The kids seem to be breaking out of their shells and speaking up about experiences that bother them. When they speak of these things it's so matter of fact and getting to be so casual in conversation.

We have never really spoke of the day we left. I remember being a mess in admist garbage bags upon garbage bags filled with what was left of our life. After the excitement and getting everyone in bed. I broke down again. Both in relief as well as fear. I didn't sleep well for a long time, especially since he was on our doorstep a few hours before. He just showed up. He was crying and begging, my sister and her hubby were watching. My sister had called the police. He was begging me to come home. Promising me he would change. A sentiment I heard on a pretty regular basis.

He sent flowers, made constant calls and then threats. I ended up filing a Order of Protection and then later speaking to the Prosecutor about jail time. There was never enough to put him in prison. She spoke bluntly to me and off the record, stating that for anything to be done I needed to be hurt badly or killed. I left enraged and hurt. Feeling helpless. A feeling that does sometimes still get to me as last summer it was found out he had offered to pay someone to kill me. $5,000. The local authorities said there was not enough evidence. He is a sly one. Most abusers are, they cover their tracks well.

Over a year he has not changed, just sneakier. His rants may be matched to my own but I do this for therapy as well as to get our story out. If heaven forbid anything happens there is a trail that would lead back. Not that I have a wish for anything of the sort. I want to live out the remaining days of my life with Terry on a porch in some rockers or at a campsite over looking a river or lake. Enjoying our children and one another.

I look forward to the day when I won't have to look over my shoulder with concern that my STBX or my son is not out to get one of us. I do not look forward to the day that comes when he will be allowed to see the girls without visitation. Though he threatens he will gain custody of the girls soon. I honestly do not see how. My worry level is so peaked right now. I know I need to set my thoughts on positive and happiness for this Little One that we have been blessed with needs to cook a little longer!

I relish every moment of this pregnancy for many reasons! I'm with a man that, besides my children, has become my joy, my best friend, I have am learning to put any fear aside about things on my mind or concerns I have. I have been blessed to find the man I wanted to be a partner with. He makes me laugh and my heart grows warm even now when I think of him. He has taken such a shine to the girls and they love him to pieces! He knows he will never take the place in their hearts of their bio Dad, nor is that something he is intending! He is a positive male figure in their life and I am just amazed at how he can make them giggle and they go so many places with him. They have learned so much in such a short time!

Our escape was not meant as a sweet thing. It was meant as the best means and way possible for our new life. It didn't turn out exactly the way I planned, life never does. God has been good to us and has shown me that in every facet! I'm in a work place I am not thrilled with but at this time when so many are unemployed it pays the rent! Not much more but it works! Terry is still looking but right now, with the Little One coming it is wonderful to have him home with us. I'll be done with school soon, I can work on my Doula business a bit after the baby comes and find a better job.

Keeping my faith and my wits about me is something Terry has been helping me through. I really do count my blessings God gave me you!

More pearls of wisdom and rantings at www.myspace.com/hopewhentherewasnone

Find me on Facebook!

After some hemming and hawing I decided to start a FB page for Survivors and Victims of any type of abuse. To share experiences or to leave a face with their story so we can put a face on Abuse!

Hopefully others can inspire and give hope to those that just can't leave or kick they're abuser out the door! I do not want this to bash our abusers. That's not it's purpose. Why stoop to that level or your abuser?

It's easy to just want to forget your past to move on with your future. But, trust me, it's not easy! Even with my best intentions to put my head in the sand to ease the memories, the past comes up behind me like a dark monster looming in the dark.

Embrace you! Embrace your past! It is what made you! Let those experiences make you stronger!

Help me put a face on Abuse! Strength in numbers!

Find me here- hopewhentherewasnone or Melinda Kunst on FB!

BIG HUGS and Blessings!

Mel

Happily ever after...

I went through with it. I confessed to Terry some of my fears. God love him! He gave me some time to think and offered to call everything off. I felt so silly. I hyperventilated the whole week prior.  The big day came and the big day was beautiful! We couldn't have asked for better weather! We had a quick ceremony at church and then everyone piled into their cars and traveled down to the homestead, to feast on yummy food brought by my family and friends.

I got my Final Decree in the mail. It was very emotional for me. I cried for a bit. Feeling relief, overwhelmed, joy. I remain cautious while out and about as well as at home. 

Remember, yes there can be a "Happily ever ..." after a DV relationship.

It starts with -

*Leaving a paper trail. Tell anyone you can about the abuse. File police reports and Orders of Protection!

*Making a Safety plan

*Leaving your abuser

*Ditching the ties with the Abuser and possibly his/her family. There are times when some families say they are your allies but as time progresses true colors come out or fear of your abuser get to them. They may become defensive or defend the abuser. Suddenly, your support from his/her side wavers and poof! You could become the bad guy! Leaving you to scratch your head...

*Learning to live again without CHAOS! My daughter was on the phone with a friend and she could hear the dad yelling at the mom. My daughter J, was sad for her friend. But happy that's not a part of our lives anymore!

*LOVING YOURSELF! That's a hard one, at least it was/is for me.

* Stop blaming YOURSELF! It's hard not silence the nagging little voice of your abuser that can pop up randomly.

*BREAK the PATTERN of the same type of love relationships. You meet Mr./Mrs. Wonderful at a bar and they seem to always be losers. HELLO! Or you seem to keep attracting the same type of bad personality? It happens to many women/men. Your not alone! I was asked to date on various occassions but something seemed off and not right. Glad I listened to my inner guts, because lo and behold BINGO Dr. Hyde comes out.

*Don't bed the first person that sweeps you off your feet. Take time to get to know the person. Don't be afraid to ask his/her friends and family about this person. Google them!

Now don't email me about the laws on this stuff, I'm no attorney. I found out one gentleman was deep into BD/SM (Not that I am knocking that, it's just not a thing I want to jump back into. Not my cup of tea) and he was asked to retire from the Police due to ties to several unsolved murders of prisoners and has had sexual assault charges brought against him by other female officers. THANK YOU GOOGLE!

If you still feel like he or she is too good to be true, hire a detective. Ask YOUR friends and family what they see or think. It helps to have another pair of eyes to see what you may "not" want to see. You can see Mr./Mrs. Wonderful through rose colored glasses. So be open to hear what they have to say!

*Change you! You are deserving of happiness and joy! Break any kind of habits that aren't good for you. (In my own opinion) Smoking, drugs, alcohol, anything that is illegal. Maybe partying all night. Dressing provocatively. I personally want a person to be attracted to me, not the clothes I'm wearing. I want their eyes to be fixed on mine not my breasts or my behind. You attract what you put out there. I'm more modest at my old age.

*Start your change by taking up a long forgotten hobby, Vision (Wish/Prayer) board or create a Bucket list of things you want to do (See previous posts). Whether it's losing weight, breaking out your glue gun, writing, singing, dancing or what have you. The world is still your oyster! Grab it!

*Think positive! Kick old thoughts to the curb. Challenge yourself to say something positive to yourself or those around you.  Remember if you have children (pets) that have endured abuse they need a boost too! Get them involved in making a positive change for the better. Remind children that the relationship you had with your abuser is not the "Norm". That there is better times. That they can do anything they put they're minds to! Remind them that Dad (or Boy/Girlfriend) or Mom's behavior is their's. They can break and make new positive patterns. They are capable of great things too!

All of these take time. They can happen with baby steps, courage, persistance and love. Oh, there will be bumps in the road. (Terry and I have issues but they are nothing compared to the relationship I had with my EX)

Talk to someone, a counselor, friend or family member. Please remember your not alone! There are others just like you suffering in silence. Break the chain! Stand up! Don't take anymore! (I am not encouraging anyone to take another life here)

Get away safely or call the police to keep your abuser away. Tell someone! Anyone! Write a blog! Keep your face in your blog so you keep a name with your face. That you are a person that doesn't want to end up splashed on the news as a statistic.

God bless and keep you Dear Blog reader!

Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!

Mel

Guess what! I'm getting married...

Tick! Tick! Tick! Tick!

Over the weekend I will be married to someone that has become a big part of my life. I posted on FB about how much I appreciate him. He's handled everything that has came his (our) way with strength, calm and positive thoughts about each situation. It's sort of a dream right now. I've wrote before about how surreal everything is. Even talking or writing about my past seems like it was someone else.

Not that I'm not happy about this. I'm thrilled! But, I have had some random tears, fear and apprehension creep in on my happiness. Terry has been away for work and I can't wait to have him come back to share as well as get some insight on the little dark cloud that feels as though it's looming.

I'm fearful of being "someone's property". Oh, he's not like that, though I have a concern.
I fear faithfulness. My Ex's track record wasn't the greatest. I have big time trust issues both in my worry about fidelity with my future Mr. Melinda as well as a few needless worries. Heck! They are all needless!
 
I should be thrilled! I should be anxious! And I am, though in some ways I'm still allowing my fears to get the best of me. I have had my glue gun out, glitter, pearls, lace and what's not to love right now? I'm getting remarried!

I was so relieved to chat with a good friend that is also a recent Survivor of abuse. I can learn so much from talking with others about they're experiences,  just gab about how they are surviving or words of wisdom/strength. During the chat I was reminded of despite how different we are in our experiences that we are SO similar! She really lifted me up! Thank ya Darlin!

There has been only a few small issues that have come up (besides what seems like a daily breakdown in my mental state) regarding getting the wedding together. I know this has caused me some distress deeply and some sadness. I'm hoping that it will end up going well. I'm terrible at confrontations. I tend to cry at the drop of a hat when confronted or I just avoid the subject of whatever it is all together as if the "white elephant" isn't in the room. SIGH! But these issues are totally normal in planning a wedding! LOL! So there is some normalcy! I just need to put on those "Big Girl panties" and open my mouth.

Let's see... Unrelated gossip! Well, it's not really gossip if it really happened...

I ended up hearing from, (by accident) a woman that has held a torch for Terry for YEARS (She is a family friend)!

Background: They dated briefly while she was considering separating from her hubby, they have a sexless marriage and he's never home, that was many moons ago. After a few months of her not leaving her hubs, Terry told her that he couldn't do the back and forth anymore and they could remain friends. This was over 10 years ago... Fast forward to 3 years ago, I met her, confronted her (At her house! Ok I do get some balls every once in a while) long story short. She said there was nothing going on. She was babysitting him for years... Blah, blah, blah!

For over 3 years, every great once in awhile she would "drunk" text Terry, crying about how she missed him. Wanting to meet up with him for dinner, happy hour, she is still crazy about him, and more Blah! Blah! Blah! So, when someone texted about fun they were having on a weekend trip in a group text.( There were several replies back and forth between others- still with me on this long tale?)   I find out "she" is one of the person's texting. I couldn't help myself!

I replied back!

I apologized for the house incident long ago. I also said that I would like to get together sometime. I invited her to the wedding! She was watching her child at a sporting event so she couldn't chat, (I was grinning the whole time during this) but she missed us the best. She said there was no reason to worry she had no issues with at all and there were never any. Of course it doesn't explain why she glares and ignores me when she see's me (even before me going to confront her at her house) or why she has never taken Terry up on meeting for lunch or dinner with me included. The next day she replied again that she is having some crazy weekends, but going out of town for a wedding and again wishes us happiness. That was a interesting distraction for a change and it gave me a belly laugh at how silly and normal that incident seemed. I hope to someday forge a peaceful relationship with her. She was very good friends with Terry for a long time. I have no issues with men having friends that are women. She helped him through a dark period of sadness in his life (past marriage) and that's wonderful!

While I don't believe we will be breaking bread anytime soon and future outings that involve her will continue to be uncomfortable.  It's ok, that is normal reality that brings a giggle to me for a change. It's nice that it's not just the madness about my ex or my issues with trying to break free of the memories of my past.

Speaking of madness. I heard the ex went to Crown Point to look for me, tell anyone that will listen we are divorced and how "Happy" he is... "Has anyone saw me?" Days prior to this incident the girls and I were in CP looking for wedding ideas, dresses for the girls and something special for me. (I am a terrible procrastinator! LOL!) A shop owner I'm knew asked me how we were, gushed over the baby and told me how happy she was that I was away from that man. She thought he treated us terribly! She went to discuss some of his family members but I'm not going there. I just smiled politely, thanked her and wished her well. She wished us happier times and good to see us.

So now you know the scoop! I will post pictures of the upcoming nuptials!

Please remember that everyone's situation is different. The levels of abuse as well as the types of abuse. Many times you don't realize how "bad" it was until you are free from it. Know you are not alone. Get help! Talk to someone! Confide in a friend or family member.  Love doesn't hurt! Physically, mentally or emotionally.

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Your not worthless!

During the dark times of some altercations with your abuser, it can be quite drag your spirit down, creating a tangled web of sadness, depression and in some cases a feeling of being worthy of anything good. 

You may not feel desirable.
You may not feel worthy
You may feel like the stupidest or laziest or ugliest or fattest person around
You may feel like a terrible Wife/Partner or Mother

Tuning our or forgetting out those mean words or actions of your Gaslighter can be one of the hardest things to do. As a sufferer of PTSD, it can be quite hard to let go of the past. I don't want to glorify or have a pity party for me or what I went through, and my memories are my worst enemy! Sometimes the triggers or flashbacks are so intense, breath-taking that I can actually hear the nasty words and see the actions of my abuser. I get so angry at myself for getting worked up! I get angry that it seems as though he still has control of my mind to cause distress or anxiety now over 3 years later. I am frustrated with myself for feeling gripped by fear when I see a car that looks like his or someone that looks like him.

I am frustrated with still feeling unworthy of happiness and of better life for me (for us). I usually throw up my face to the Lord and pray or read my Bible to ease my heart and mind. Of course Terry has been great for me to calm me down and remind me I'm none of those things, that I am safe, that I am out of that situation and that my ex is an *sshol*!

Lately, my girls have been telling or reminding me of different situations they remember their dad and I having some confrontation. They are remembering him hitting me, screaming at me and putting me down. I feel so embarrassed for various reasons. First, that they had to witness those times and secondly, that I let him do that to me. Your abuser will only do what you allow them to do to you. I realize this now. I know! I know! Quit harping on this sadness already! I got to tell you that this is one chapter of my life I wish was closed, but in doing so I can't heal. I desperately want to forget and want it to go away. 

After I left my abuser I found many quotes from various places to lift my spirits and some are to use when speaking to my abuser (many did not give him the same feelings I had from them :)  ) Of course many are from my Bible! But I'll share some of the many others that make me smile or remind me that I am strong, safe, and worthy of happiness!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Knowledge is power. Know your opponent. Act, do not react. Take the offensive, not the defensive. Realize your strength and trust yourself!

I am doing something that I believe in, and it doesn't exactly match your plan. Call me later when you want to discuss the issues. It's your job to fix your life.

When I am treated with dignity and respect, then I will make a choice to have him in my life. Until he does, he is completely out!

Do what is right not necessarily what is easy...

Don't second guess yourself

Know that the destination is always easier then the journey

Trust your intution!

Just take yourself out of the relationship in one piece if you can. All that other stuff can be replaced!

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.

There's always a time for what God asks us to do
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Dear reader! You are worthy! Just like me! Our circumstances for however we got to this place doesn't mean anything. Your here right now. If you are still kicking around if you should go, ask yourself, if you have children or a close friend/relative, would you want them in the situation you are in?

Don't doubt yourself! If a person doesn't hit you, or break your bones that doesn't mean they aren't breaking your heart, spirit and joy from words or mind games! If you think it's not normal behavior then it's probably not! Trust your guts! Listen to your friends/child(ren)/ loved ones about your partner. Sometimes we are too close to a situation to see the "full picture" and there is a small or large amount of fear that you will be alone if you leave or tell him/her to leave. Being alone is nothing compared to being killed physically, mentally or emotionally from your abuser!

Staying because you have "Stuff?" or a "House" or "Bills" or contract binding the 2 of your together legally for some reason? EXCUSES! When will you leave? Wait until your dead/hurt? Or your child(ren) is hurt or killed?

WAKE UP! Read the paper! Watch the news! Everyday there is a horrible story of neglect, murder, rape or assault on a victim of abuse! Will you be one of them someday? Leave! Make a paper trail of the abuse with police! Don't let your abuser get away with it!

You are WORTHY!
You can SURVIVE!
You can  find HAPPINESS!

WITHOUT the abuse!

You will not dry up and die without your abuser in your life (despite what your abuser says!) "You'll never make it without me/my money!" OR "No one will want you!" OR "You aren't taking the house/apartment! You live with what you have on!"

GO! Start planning NOW! I DARE YOU!
Remember you are not worthless...

Be safe! Blessings and prayers!
Mel







*If you know someone that is being abused, please be a shoulder, lend an ear, and remind them they are not alone! Please forward this blog to them! Find local shelters for them or go with them to the Police. Do not feel bad if they go back to they're abuser. I met many women that go back 2, 3, 5, 10 times or more! (Me personally went back too many times) Have them check out the Safety plan and Safety labels here. Stay safe!*