Walking away

I walked away over 8 years ago...

Well, that's wrong! I ran!

Literally!

Funny thing is I keep trying to run away from this blog. Not to forget it or the past that sometimes still creeps up on me but because why bother with it? This blog has helped me grow, breakdown, rant, cry and heal.

This blog has also brought awareness to others by sharing my story as well as new friendships.

The past few weeks have been a reminder to blow the dust off of this blog, visit it more often, keep sharing and inspire.

So how has the past few weeks been?

I have been put in touch with several victims of DV, in addition at my workplace we were all thrust into a situation where a guest (I work at a hotel) was a victim experiencing abuse.

I offered her my calling card, which has this blog on it, my email address and phone number should she need a ear. I give her an option of just visiting our YouTube channel to hear my story.

There were a dozen or so of amazing Momma Hens that came to her rescue. They offered advice of leaving the *sshole and running him over (we witnessed him hopping on the hood of her car, egging her on and yelling at her through the windshield).

She remained swollen eyed. Stating he only gets this way when he drinks. Funny, he seemed to be a douche bag without the drink.

It reminded me of the lies we tell ourselves as victims.

He/She is only this way when they drink or use drugs.

There are promises never to do it again.

That it's our fault. If I hadn't done, blah, blah, blah to make him/her angry everything would be fine.

If I can hold out until the kids are older...

If our finances improve everything will be O.K.

If I can save money to leave...

If I can find a place that can take us/me/furbabies...

If, if, if...

No one can tell you when to leave. They can encourage and build you up. You are already in a volatile situation so getting into a argument with a supporter is something you don't need.

I've said it before. You will know instinctively when to leave. I call it hitting "Rock Bottom". Something jars you and rocks your world to the point you realize "It's now or never".

Now for everyone it's something different. Perhaps someone beats the tar out of you, your child or furbabies. Perhaps you are raped. Tired or living in constant fear. There are countless situations.

Sometimes you just can't plan to leave it just happens so fast you almost feel as though you are holding your breath and when you finally breathe it's surprising you still are.

On the flipside it's frustrating for your support team. They are sad to see you go through this! They may be tired of hearing how you plan on leaving but haven't or if you have you've gone back. (Maybe again and again)

Walking away is a lonely time. It's a lot different then leaving a "normal relationship". How so?

With a normal breakup there is still loneliness, tears and venting.

When you leave a DV relationship there is fear, potentially: Death threats/promises, stalking, damage to property or even physical attacks.  There is a thin line between life and death when you are attempting to get out.

Dare I remind you of those that get out and either go back or jump into another relationship with a different abuser. Many times because of not wanting to be alone. Just wanting to feel safe. Loved and wanted.

I can say leave the Toaster, screw the house, other belongings, leave the revenge and just leave.

Get out with your dignity, for safety, your pride and your life.

You Dearest Blog reader are worth MORE then physical THINGS. Those can be replaced and YOU CAN NOT!

Is there a Happily ever after? Sort of.

This life I am living now is so darned surreal that it feels as though if someone pinches me I'll wake up back at the hands of my abuser. Seriously!

Mr. Awesome and I still have issues but it's nothing like my first marriage.

I still haven't forgiven myself for screwing up my kids. And dare I say if you have children leave as soon as you can before it gets too late! Don't wait until they are older or stay because you don't believe in divorce (if you are married) or staying because you don't want the hassle of telling your child why Mom and Dad aren't together anymore.

That can be handled gently. Counseling if needed.

While walking away can be scary. It can also be a whole new life for you! One that you never dreamed.

Walking away may mean you totally start over in a new area (check legally about how far you can take your child before taking them too far in our area of Northern IN you are allowed to take child within 130 mile radius).

Walking away means you can reinvent yourself!

Walking away means you can be free and safe. By taking precautions first! Such as ditching your cell phone (request a new number) or block your abuser. I like the idea of getting a new cell instead so you can pick and choose those you trust to have the number.

Go dark during this time. What do I mean? Hop off social media, dating sites, or party scene. Learn to love "You"! See this My Bucket List and this Positive Mantras.

Why hop off social media and such? After you leave you "May" feel like a kid in the candy store when no one is around. You may do things you later regret. It could turn into a party time for you where you should be healing you and your wee ones. Mr. Awesome calls that period of 2 years or so the 2 year crazies. In his experience he saw friends go off the deep end to catch up on the fun they think they missed out on.

As a victim turned Survivor, getting healthy inside and out is a MUST! You don't realize how hurt you are until you are away from that situation. I'm talking months to years later do you realize. You may be thinking you weren't that effected. Give me the benefit of the doubt please.

Take time to heal yourself. 

Surround yourself with a tribe of support and loving people. This may mean ditching old friends or changing your lifestyle to a more positive one.

The point of this is to just take time for you.

I sound redundant I know!

I also know these things from experience. Not to nag but to hopefully give advise on what worked for me. 

Don't give up on your dreams. Don't give up on yourself. Your not a failure or useless.

You are:

Beautiful
Worthy of happiness
Wonderful
Deserving of a safe environment

Plan if you need to but don't give up! I believe in you!

I hope your day is as wonderful as you are Dear Blog reader!

BIG HUGS!

~Mel

WOW! Can you believe this?! I left my abuser 8 years ago today...

It has been 8 YEARS today that I broke free from my abuser! HALLELUJAH! Where did the time go? There was a time when it seemed like days wouldn't go by fast enough and here I am today 8 years later!



I will be hosting a FB Live at 4:00 pm CST sharing things I have gleaned along the way, a little of our escape story and other ramblings. Feel free to join in- Melinda Kunst. I have a picture of myself and Mr. Awesome with a surprised look on our faces plugging our YouTube channel.

This year actually feels like I should be celebrating. I'm not exactly sure why. I had a suggestion that perhaps I should do something like burn or destroy something that we shared- shirt or electronic... Now if you recall some of my other posts I had donated and threw out a LOT of things we had that reminded me of him. On one hand that sounds like a marvelous idea! On the other hand, I really like the griddle I kept. Silly right?! 

Or maybe I should have had a pinata with his face on it and the family should have taken turns hitting the heck out of it. But does this feed any resentment or negativity that is still found in any of us? 

So I decided to nix the idea for now. Not to say in the future we may consider this but for right now I'll pass.

If you are just starting on my blog let me start by saying I'm sorry you are here (Unless you are one of my AWESOME Friends or Family then thank you for stopping by!). 

I apologize because it gives me a heavy heart that most of my traffic is due to abuse not because you want to hear my latest rant about chickens or how wonderful my garden looks. More then likely you are here trying to sort out your feelings or how to leave your abuser. 
Checklist for leaving your abuser

Either way my Dearest Blog reader I can honestly say I know what you are mentally going thru. I understand the anguish of "Should I or shouldn't I?" or "Is it really that bad?"

Been there done that, got the T-shirt and the postcard! Once you decide to make that leap of faith can you find the strength to stay gone?

Perhaps you have a situation where if he/she stops drugs or drinking or maybe they get help things will get better? You have to decide that and it may just take leaving 1 time for a serious change. I have a friend that had this situation and I hear her partner is a changed person since under going some counseling. That's awesome! 

In my situation I still am pretty adamant that he won't change nor will countless other abusers. They have to "WANT" to change. Many decide they like the intimidation or power it seems to give them.

Let's say you are leaving for real this time, after of course you have exhausted all your resources, please do me a favor and make sure you have a family member or friend (If not the police) know your plans. Also this time maybe very confusing and hectic! Please review the resources here for taking steps for leaving, or check with a shelter and of course law enforcement. Safety plan

I am not an expert, attorney or counselor so please always seek assistance from these folks during this time! I'm praying for you! I promise you after time has passed things will get better. But you also need to have that positive mindset that this experience will pass, you will find joy and happiness again. You may need to learn how to love "You" in order to heal. That phrase "Time heals all" is for real even if your not feeling it now. 

If you are a believer in the Lord lean on Him! If your not and want to learn how to have a relationship with the Lord drop me a line privately. I'd love to share the joys I have found!

Whatever your journey I BELIEVE in YOU beautiful Soul. Stay strong and keep the faith!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

How I kicked PTSD in the ass...

If you read one of my earlier posts I mentioned it had been a year since I had a episode! I got to be honest I was a little stunned. I did note in my journal when I had a panic attack/pain/headache just for my own information. 

So what did I do? What magic spell worked?

TIME

That's part of it. If you have followed me a bit you know I am not into doing the Counseling/Prescription writer type thing. But it's no big secret, no gimmicks, no fancy tools or pricey doctor visits.

When I had those moments when I felt an attack coming on and I was alone, I would have to give some serious thought to my breathing slowly, in my nose and out my mouth. I would then try to think of a "Happy thought". What is a happy thought? It's not just a Peter Pan sounding thing but it is a memory and or person that just gives you a feel good thought. Or maybe for you it maybe a smell or song. 

So focusing on my breath, thinking of my "Happy thought" would eventually calm me down. This could take anywhere from a minute or as long as a half hour. 

I would later give myself some time to recount what events caused it. Was it a word? Song? Someone's tone? Hormones? Full moon? (Don't laugh at the last 2! There have been studies on this)

Then give yourself time to cry if you need to, journal, talk to a loved one and share what happened. Sometime talking it out does wonders for me! Grab a hot bath/shower and imagine the details of the episode going down the drain leaving you. Think of yourself in a white light (protective), sea salt is great to get rid of negativity so sprinkle some in the tub! Smudge yourself and my favorite Ground yourself. (Earthing)

In a pinch if my other options listed above just weren't working then I would form my hand into a fist or find a paper bag to breathe in.

These can be scary and nothing to play with! I had came close to passing out on several occasions. And at a time my eldest Daughter hadn't been able to control hers and she would totally pass out. 

Afterwards you feel like you have been run over by a truck! And there was a tiny bit of me that was really ticked off that my abuser was still getting to me. It felt like he was still winning because of them. 

Now that really made me mad enough to say no more. I focused more on getting rid of the fear and what remaining control I was still giving into even after all these years. 

No more wetting the bed! Nightmares featuring my abuser are far and few between. 

I feel free! I feel like the chains have fallen off. And it's an amazing feeling! Granted this took years to get to the place where I was and years to get where I am but it's so worth it. 

Now I am not a physician so if you are under care talk to your practitioner before trying this. You can do this! I believe in you Beautiful Blog reader! 

If you have any questions feel free to drop me a line here. I do have snail mail option available too- 

Melinda Kunst PO Box 202 Brook, IN 47922

BIG HUGS!
Mel

I have a YouTube channel!

I have gravitated towards doing Vlogs! It seems like a natural progression. I hope you find me on there!

Our YouTube channel!

I will have videos that will include my camera shy family. Vlogs about our Farm, my fight with Lyme Disease and picking up the pieces from Domestic Violence.

You can also find me on FB- Melinda Kunst and Instagram!



Since I last blogged we have 2 Grandbabies, and my older Daughter moved out with the baby with her partner. They are dealing with CPS issues but that should be put to bed in a few months.

Coming up soon will be my 8 year Independence Day! Can you believe it!?

I hope it helps to know your not alone in your fight. I'm rooting for you!

God bless and big hugs!

Mel

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month

It's incredible that it has been 7 years since I left my abuser for good! I felt trapped. I was unsure how and when I was finally going to leave, of course I knew in my heart I wouldn't live to see the end of 2009. A dear Friend of mine felt the same way and encouraged me to leave before it was too late.

I'm new to making videos so please be kind! I hope to have more videos in the future. My wish is to continue to ignite hope in those trapped in abusive relationships. Whether it is your mate, family member, or co-worker.

You Dear Blog reader are not alone! Please stay safe and God bless!

Random non drama post! Honest!

Things around here are settling down. I got to be honest things around here are pretty intense due to our Daughters issue. I wasn't sure if I needed an exorcism or just to cleanse the house a gazillion times because of the negativity and mood we are all carrying.

I managed to break out of my worries about shooting videos and putting them on the web to create a few! I also started an Instagram account (Melinda Kunst) to help with my dream of getting my business off the ground (Legacy Antiques & Estate Sales on FB), plugging our someday mini farm, also this blog! I want to show that YOU can find regain your spirit again! It is possible!

I read self improvement books, listen to youtube and podcasts for this subject as well as growing in my faith. I do not wish to be defined as someone that got the crap beat out of her or put down all the time and just disappeared never to discuss what made me today.

Your thinking what?! Those experiences humbled me. Grew my faith. Challenged me to think out of the box to save my skin. Sound weird? Sharing my story has brought me closer to my family and friends. It has also brought strangers into my life by telling in return they share theirs!

I am shedding that skin of meekness or maybe I should call it passiveness to grow that spunk or moxie I had before I lost myself. I have a fierce Warrior spirit that has not only survived the roller coaster of abuse but also called upon that God loving force to help me with Lyme.

I appreciate more, want to share more and want to give back anyway I can. I also want you to know some of the things I really enjoy and what good things are going on around God's Breath Farm!

Future videos to come soon! My story in my words coming as well!

Don't give up! Stay strong! Believe! Make sure you have a strong support group or contact local groups that can help. It's hard to leave. It's hard to find a "Normal" life again. I hate to beat a broken drum but it is honestly not easy. There are still hiccups! Whether it's me getting in a funk, kids not listening to me, step parenting children of abuse (my partner dealing with my baggage), or just staying safe. But it can happen. Believe! Have faith!

Dear blog reader wherever you are I pray you find peace.

God bless and big hugs,

Mel

PS- Kindly ignore my hair and fluffy sides. I am in a love/hate relationship with my hair. It's falling out due to the Lyme and my weight is fluctuating is on overdrive. And no I didn't eat all those tater skins! Terry and I shared, BIG GRIN! I'm a cheap date! I splurged and had soda.

Flat and over 100,000 views!

The past few weeks have been a heart breaking. Physically all of us in our home are tired, worn out and battling with whirlwind of feelings.

Soon after the birth of my Daughter's baby she faced additional blood pressure issues causing her to be admitted into the hospital on several occasions. On the last incident a Social Worker noticed something wrong between an exchange between Jess and her partner. Whatever it was just didn't set right in her gut so she did her job and asked Jess if she felt that she and the baby were safe with her partner.

She answered truthful... No.

Jess went on to describe a few situations that red flagged her and her partner and CPS was brought in.

The roller coaster she is going through is painful to us to see her crumble under the weight of honesty. She was forced to move out of his Aunt and Uncle's home with the baby and to move back in with us. Which didn't make her a happy camper.

She had threatened suicide, lost the desire to parent the baby and did injure herself which after chatting with my Sister about how escalating this situation was, she encouraged me to call the Police/Ambulance.

I did.

She stayed in a treatment facility for 8 days and since then has had up's and down's. She is on an Antidepressant and is to see a Counselor/Psychiatrist. She and her partner both have Parenting classes, he will have Anger management classes and both have to be supervised while they are with the baby.

It makes my heart hurt for her. I don't understand most of it from the Mom angle of not wanting to parent the baby. I am an odd egg and loved being with my kids. Oh sure I had my moments of wanting some alone time but I never wanted to be away for a long period of time. So this to me is difficult. Anytime I have suffered from Depression I fought my way through it.

She isn't me and I'm not her. We are so very different. We are different on how we cope and handle situations.

I wish I could wave a wand and make any pain go away for her. All I can do is to be supportive and understanding. It is hard to be understanding when I found out they didn't use a condom. GRRFACE!

Neither are ready to be an Adult much less a Parent. They can barely take care of themselves. But this is the situation they are in. Now we figure out how to fix it.

Much of Jess's issues are from her past. She (as well as her Sister) have never dealt with the abuse issue. Now that rears it ugly head like a monster that is under a bed.

Of course this brings so much back for me.

I was questioned by the Social worker on day one of the beginning of this situation and I sounded like a robot as I mentioned that we were abuser Survivors. The Social worker picked up on it and asked why I sounded so flat and with no emotion.

My first reaction to that was anger! I had a child in the ER that was unconscious at this time after just having a seizure from Pre-Eclampsia and they were having trouble getting her BP down. I couldn't think about anything else.

This is not the first time someone has mentioned how flat or robotic my response seemed from my past.

I guess I've told our story so much and I see/hear the reactions from people I tell about our past that I am leery.

Reactions are normally-

"How could you "let" that happen to you for so long" or "I would have never stayed "that" long" or "I would have kicked his a** to the curb after the first time".

It gets frustrating. I almost feel like I'm being judged for staying as long as I did. Which brings me back to my ex saying that I must have liked him treating me this way or I wouldn't have stayed.

I am apprehensive to tell my story though in cyber land I do mention and share my story on FB and Pinterest. On social media I don't have to worry about the tone, looks or response from someone that hears I stayed.

I still feel guilty enough for making my children to endure the abuse as long as they did. Why wasn't I brave enough to leave sooner or to leave before our relationship even had kids? I do feel like someday I take 2 steps forward and 2 steps back for healing. Grateful for my support team of family and friends of course my awesome Husband!

We will have another 5 months of CPS involvement and I pray that my Daughter and partner will have enough help and encouragement to become better partners for the baby and if they continue a relationship they get the counseling needed to deal with tough situations during a relationship.

If you are new to my story and scratching your head what's up with us. Here is the mini-version.

I met him in high school. I couldn't get him to leave me alone. He threatened to kill himself, my family and later my children if I ever left him.

I believed him.

I stayed. I continued to try to leave many, many times throughout our relationship. We fought about stupid stuff constantly.

I stayed through physical, verbal, sexual and mental assaults. I had no self esteem left, I was being broke down to the point of suicide. I had done things with my abuser that made me feel dirty.

We were swingers in which I had several lesbian encounters.
I was required to sit at his feet like a dog. He enjoyed BDSM but I learned later there is a healthy respect between the partners and everything he did was not!
He was a sex addict which meant I had to be ready 24/7 for relations. I could count on 2 hands how many times I didn't have to have sex with him. And that did not make him happy!
He sought the elusive Polyamory relationship, which did happen for a short period of time.
I bathed him.
I dressed him. (I warmed his boots for him in the winter and laced them for him all the time)
I started his car for him in the dead of winter. And loaded it.
I warmed his plate for meals, warm food would hit the wall, floor or would be tossed in trash.
I did everything you could think of for him.
I would have to scratch his back for hours at night until he fell asleep.
I felt like a hostage.
I felt like a whore.

I felt unclean. After the sexual encounters I would scrub myself as clean as I could, rubbing my skin until it hurt and was bright pink almost raw.

I felt like a failure as a Christian,as a wife and mother.

I envisioned killing myself and my family to escape. I had thoughts of killing my abuser and towards the end I slept with a knife under my side of the bed because I was worried about him killing me. As time progressed it was building to the point where I felt I would not survive the end of 2009. I had a dear friend advise me she could see that I wouldn't live much longer due to how volatile my situation was becoming.

I had to leave, though he reminded me I wouldn't have money, no health insurance, no place to live and that he would hunt me down.

I left the first time in 2007, staying on 2 separate incidents in Women's shelter. After the urging of my then mom-in-law to get back with him because he changed, I did.

In 2008, things were starting to go crazy again. By the end of 2008 I knew I had to go, Chatting with my Friend, Kristy Robinett, gave me courage to take steps to leave. I enlisted my family to help and they were more then willing to help!

I left for the final time in 2009.

During that time, there were deep cracks in the average joe facade that my abuser tried to keep. He hired a guy to follow me, take pictures of me and to report back his findings. All the while continuing to stalk me via the web, phone and in person.

I had protective order after protective order. All would be broken but nothing more then a slap on the wrist ever happened.

I found out in the summer months of 2009 he hired several men to kill me for money. He provided them with a camera, shovel and he wanted a few thousand dollars with more to be paid when the deed was done.

My Nephew came forward bravely to my abusers Sister, whom then let me know about it. I called the police. They investigated but found the men that were hired had shady pasts so they were not credible, therefore there was no case.

My Eldest Son attempted to set fire to my apartment and advised me he was going to kill me as I slept and he demanded I take him back to his dad.

I did. I was devastated. That was a deep blow to my heart. Any contact with him has been hostile towards me.

I suffered a few more physical attacks from my abuser towards the fall of 2009.

I felt lost.

The legal system didn't seem fair. It felt like I was the abuser and he was the victim.

We were finalized for our divorce in 2012. In 2013, my Daughter's partner advised that Jess had told him she was sodomized by her Father when she was young. Sadly, after contacting the police I found out that too much time had went by to press charges. Though it took every ounce of power not to go and just, I don't know beat him or just put a hole in his head.

I had a Protective Order placed last summer (2015) after he sent threatening emails, texts and voicemail's. All the while proclaiming his love for me. The sad thing is he was engaged to woman during this time. He said he would leave her in a second if I came back. I tried to reach out to this woman but never heard from her.

He did end up marrying her during the summer of 2015. I wish them the best. Any correspondence I have had with her has been one of someone in denial or that is perhaps she just can't see. I have heard from family and friends that maintains contact with them is that he treats her publicly just he did with me.

My last Protective Order expired this summer.

He still tries to bully and intimidate friends and family that maintain contact with me. Why does this not surprise me.

I originally started this blog as a way of healing my spirit. I felt broken. I had cried out to the Lord so many times for help and I felt like I was lost along the way.

I know now he never left my side. I'm still not sure what lessons I was to learn along the way, but I can say that my faith was strengthen.

I could have blamed God for the suffering my children endured or myself for that matter. I didn't.

We all have choices in life, sometimes the choices we make can build us up or break us down.

I was asked sometime ago if I would do it over again knowing what I know now. I still have to say yes. My life now is so very different! I have a will to keep living. I have a beautiful family and met oodles of people along this path that I wouldn't have known otherwise.

It's made me fall to my knees and ask for forgiveness for things I had down during my marriage. During my relationship with my abuser I only shared my situation with a handful of people. Today, I have over 100,000+ views of this blog. I am by no means gloating or dropping high fives about that fact.

It saddens me to know that others are still experiencing abuse. And humbles me that someone is actually reading my rantings.

So, Dear Blog reader, if you are in a abusive relationship please know you are not alone. Talk to a close Friend or reach out to a local Shelter or http://www.thehotline.org/ for help. I've been where you are and know there can be life after an abusive relationship. It's not easy to escape and staying safe for months or years to come can be hard. Don't let this discourage you! I want you to be free, happy and to be able to love yourself again!

Please look at my posts for Safety plan and Check list for leaving your abuser for suggestions to help you before you leave.

Stay safe and God bless

Mel