Got bruises?

I'm not making light of any type of abuse by that title. I'm in awe at how many various ways people, whether they are of DV or Child Abuse or any type of violence, can hurt another.

I'm in awe that I have well over 16,000 people that have viewed this blog since 2009. No it's not the millions other blogs or websites have. In a strange way I'm tickled but yet horrified and sadden that so many have viewed it due to the content.

A few brave people have sent in comments. Many have been erased before they ever hit my blog post, but I have the email.

I don't have many followers and that's ok. If my story or other survivor stories can help someone get help or realize they aren't alone then I think that's wonderful! I didn't do this for glory and in some small way in the beginning I wanted to "out" my ex. I wanted everyone to know that he did these things to us. I wanted everyone to know so the next woman he dates has some clue what she is walking into.

After time went by and healed my bruises inward and outwardly, I allowed my emotions raise to the surface to find out how I can best deal with the vicious and yet constant reminder of where I was. I mentioned it many times about how surreal life is now.

I'm not afraid to pick up the phone, that someone may yell at me for whatever the reason.
I'm not afraid to come home or run late.
I'm not afraid of totally giving myself to love and intimacy.
I'm not afraid to share my feelings.

I have many bumps in the road. I have times where I just crumble either in private or in a public setting. I'm learning to be me. Learning to find my self. Though I still say somethings that I shouldn't. I do things I shouldn't. I leap before I think first. I feel like a toddler at times. Fumbling to love the life I'm in.

Thank you Lydia for letting me ramble on from time to time. I'm so proud of this woman! She left her abuser recently and has stayed gone. She is recognizing patterns of abuse and how to cope with the after with herself and kids. She has shared wisdom with me that sometimes feels like a soft lump to my hard headed noggin. And for this I thank her!

She is just one of the amazing women I have met that have left a relationship or been a victim or stalking (Thank you Dana for your kindness and strength!) or bullies. And I am proud to know these women! Thank you Dear Blog reader! I pray that you have left your abuser. I pray if you haven't you find the encouragement and faith to do so. Know that you are worthy of so much more!

BIG HUGS!

Mel

Beating your children...

First thing first, October is Domestic Abuse Awareness month! No one is immune to the effects of this devastating time.

Abuse does not discriminate. It can strike Men, Women, Old, Young, Black, White, Catholic, Baptist, Wealthy... you get the picture.

Whatever the excuse is that the victims use to rationalize or minimize the abuse, no one deserves it! There is nothing "You did" to "Make" the person do it to you! Despite, the constant reminders you may get from your abuser. It's not you! Triggers to cause your abuser to flip his/her lid can be substance related, money, mental/emotional or maybe there is no reason.


Of course these are excuses used to harm you! So, he/she only does this to you, right?

What about your child(ren) or pet? Do you believe they are immune? Guess what! In many cases your abuser doesn't care. They may abuse your child privately or just be bold enough to do it in front of you. Perhaps making you participate! Headlines splashed across the world tells of horrific and tragic abuse of all sorts happening to children and animals by the hundreds.

In many cases both parents (Boy/Girl friend or Step parent) are charged with heinous crimes against the smallest victims that can't defend themselves. I've read many stories that point the finger at the other person that was abusive and they "Made them" act against the child or pet. Or there is some fear that they would be harmed so they let it happen.

I sit in awe, tears and a deep sadness that anyone would want to harm these little ones. That persons given a gift of life can take it savagely slowly over years or in a blink of an eye. For what?! The child won't stop crying? The bed is wet? The child is interrupting they're game or fun?

Countless couple's are wishing for a child of their own. And yet, we have dumpster babies and abused children that would flourish in a loving household.

There was a time when my Dad worked in a E. R. and he would tell me of stories about children brought in with cigarette burns, 2nd or 3rd degree burns on various parts of the body due to his/her parent and or molested. He was deeply effected by these children. And he didn't understand how someone could do something so heinous to a child.

I was abused as a young child by my Stepfather, Mark. He would beat on my Mom but as soon as she fought back he stopped. But he needed to redirect his anger somewhere else. So, while Mom was at work he turned to me... I didn't understand how in a split second we could be having a fun time and the next he was beating the crap out of me for no reason or for spilling milk.

Fast forward, I'm in an abusive situation with my ex-husband. I knew something was wrong each time I came in the house after I had been gone for awhile. The kids and my ex looked staged, stiff and tense. He had no qualms about going after the kids while I was home, which many times I would jump in or fight him to stop doing so.

The children would say there was no problems.
Dad was fine.
He was cool.

I knew in my heart it wasn't right. I know I can't take back that time. I know I am responsible in some part for staying. For believing my ex when he said I wouldn't be able to live without him. That I was worthless. That I would end up as a whore because no one would want me.  And no one would take care of me the way he did. (How warped is that?!) I'm slowly finding out how mean he was to the kids while I was out of the house or even in another room! I feel horrible about this!

I could tell you I slipped back into another bad abusive relationship. I could tell you I took up partying, drinking and a string of boyfriends. But I didn't. I was lucky! There are many women that get caught up in never changing they're circumstances. They are forever on a Merry-go-round of useless or abusive men that end up beating their kids.

I've already told my husband, Terry, that if he lays a hand on the kids we are over. Trust me, my 14 year old is a lot like her Dad, Rob and she can really push Terry's buttons!

Learning my new husband is not my ex is another experience. I have learn not to compare the two of them. They aren't anything alike! We are not without issues but there is no fear of him coming home. He doesn't stalk me. He doesn't call me dozens of time in the day. He doesn't accuse me of fooling around. He doesn't time me when I'm on errands. The list goes on and on...

If you know someone in an abusive situation or that might be, please support them, listen to them and get them help if they are ready.

If you can't leave for you please do it for your children! 

Let your child know about Teen stalking and abuse.

Educate!
Break the Silence!
Listen to your gut about a situation or person.

Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Exfoliate your life!

That is my favorite line! A very wise woman once told me I needed to "Exfoliate my life"! Scrubbing away emotions, people and things from my life.

I pondered this for sometime. I did realize seeing somethings from my marriage caused me great distress, despite the ordinariness (Not sure if that is a word) of the item. From time to time they triggered a memory which would bring me to my knees or cause me to fall into a depressive state.

Talking with another Survivor- "Journey of Grace" on blogspot. I usually don't talk to that much about my story to everyone. So, opening to her has been very much blessing! She mentioned that a certain object was unknowingly triggering memories and physical issues with her and she needed to replace it to move on. Which reminded me again of the rampage I went through a few times! I ransacked my closet and other things I had around the house that reminded me of my abuser. Everything from the slutty/sexy clothes he bought me to wear for him to decor pictures on the wall to even some of the vintage things I was selling online. I threw many things of the clothes away (sorry landfills!) and donated to a local thrift store much of the other things.

I felt as though a weight had lifted up off my shoulders!

I know for sure I have 2 pictures in the Living room that I'm sure have some lingering psychic impression on them of a time that was filled with some joy, fear and sadness. I'm debating about these two. I may toss them on a table this week and sell them. I love the pictures! They are adorable... Rambling!

Now, not everyone has these issues, so don't go throwing out everything! Think to yourself first about whatever it is that could be a catalyst for Panic/Anxiety attack or PTSD issues. Yes, I know somethings are pricey just to get rid of. Whether it be a bed, or jewelry or clothes, it's a personal choice. A house? Well, that's a really big item. Personally, I didn't want the house because of the memories involved. It was best to start over.

Things. Stuff. Kitchy things. They are just things. Ever hear you can't take it with you? Just something to think about my Dear Blogger! Don't forget you are worthy of wonderful things!

Keep safe! Remember you can find me on FB as hopewhentherewasnone. Please pass this on to anyone that maybe suffering in silence.

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Gaslighters handbook

Label your abuser with whatever term fits- Gaslighter, NARC, Psycho, mentally challenged or some random harsher language word. Despite what runs through my head I dare not lower myself to the words he has called me. I decided a long time ago to be a bigger person!

It's hard to leave your abuser. It's even harder to stay in the relationship!

Once you leave or kick him/her to the curb the abuse doesn't magically go away. Your abuser is still abusive. But you do not have to take it! If you still have physical contact in some form due to child arrangements or other random contact, you can leave or ask him/her to leave. If it is phone contact or email you can hang up or ignore the person.

I got to tell you the first time I hung up on my ex, it was empowering! I didn't do it to antagonize him, I did it to save myself further hurt feelings. And I did it because I COULD! My heart raced afterwards and I felt the adrenaline running throughout my whole body. I don't think I actually breathed for what seemed like several minutes after. The answer is yes he called back numerous times but I ignored his calls. That made me giggle! I felt elated! Not in a mean way, but as a feeling that I don't need to take any abuse of any sort from him EVER!

I have chatted with many Victims and Survivors of abuse and the story seems to be the same. The only difference in some stories is whether or not substance abuse in some way was used. Some abusers only hurt you if they are drinking or using drugs. But then again that's the story you tell yourself. I have found that many of the abusers are still in some way Gaslighting and the Victim makes excuses to explain that he/she is having a bad day or just grumpy or mouthy. They only abuse when they use. So the victim waits for the next binge or drink...

Sounds scary to me! I'm not sure which way is more worrisome to me! I worried daily about the "other shoe dropping". I can't imagine the other. No matter, if you find yourself chatting with another person that has been abused it seems as though they share very similar stories that it's spooky! I often make light that my ex must have a long lost sister or brother because they sound so much alike.

They don't actually have a Gaslighter handbook. But it does seem like if there was they would have read from the same book! Remember these things are not in your head. If you once doubt your experiences then you are SANE! You have to know you are not alone! You have to learn that you can survive and be free. You have to know that it's ok to call the police, leave a papertrail! If you have kids teach your children to call police if need be. My daughter called police during a supervised visitation last summer at my ex in-laws after there was a heated exchange between her grandparents, her and my ex.

The years that I was with my ex kind of meld together to the point where I don't recall many things. But, with the PTSD I have times where I am inundated with memories that trouble me deeply. For the last 12 years of my marriage I had pleaded with my ex to "Let me go". I begged him. I told him if I was so worthless why keep me? Why stay married? Then he would just play mind games with me. Afterwards he would confess to love me. Or just be oblivious to the incident as though waking from a dream and not knowing why I was upset or injured (he would almost always say he didn't remember hurting me or the kids and that we made it up).  I have mentioned before how surreal my life seems now compared to years ago. I feel blessed that we survived. We aren't out of the storm due to court ordered supervised Therapeutic counseling, which will make us vulnerable to physical contact with my ex and my son.  I feel safe knowing he does not know where we reside. Though it bugs me that I look over my shoulder and worry about him following me when he sees us. Be aware of your surroundings Dear Blog reader! Let someone know where you are at all times. Tedious but it could save your life...

If you are afraid to leave, that's normal! Confide in a friend or family member. Tell someone you trust. Please check out previous posts on "Leaving your abuser" or "Safety plan". Above all if you feel like you or your children are endanger don't stay! If you can not leave for you please think about your children/pets. Abuse is a cycle that needs to be broken.

Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Sweet escape

*older post I forgot about on FB blogs*

Sweet escape leaving an abuser

by Melinda Kunst on Tuesday, July 27, 2010 at 4:47pm ·

Reaching down and digging deep has been a constant struggle. After speaking with many people and hearing that you are suffering from abuse was shocking in some sense. I knew I was but to hear it from others was an eye opener. Over a year later the after effects of the abuse linger, almost like a sore spot that has never really healed. The kids seem to be breaking out of their shells and speaking up about experiences that bother them. When they speak of these things it's so matter of fact and getting to be so casual in conversation.

We have never really spoke of the day we left. I remember being a mess in admist garbage bags upon garbage bags filled with what was left of our life. After the excitement and getting everyone in bed. I broke down again. Both in relief as well as fear. I didn't sleep well for a long time, especially since he was on our doorstep a few hours before. He just showed up. He was crying and begging, my sister and her hubby were watching. My sister had called the police. He was begging me to come home. Promising me he would change. A sentiment I heard on a pretty regular basis.

He sent flowers, made constant calls and then threats. I ended up filing a Order of Protection and then later speaking to the Prosecutor about jail time. There was never enough to put him in prison. She spoke bluntly to me and off the record, stating that for anything to be done I needed to be hurt badly or killed. I left enraged and hurt. Feeling helpless. A feeling that does sometimes still get to me as last summer it was found out he had offered to pay someone to kill me. $5,000. The local authorities said there was not enough evidence. He is a sly one. Most abusers are, they cover their tracks well.

Over a year he has not changed, just sneakier. His rants may be matched to my own but I do this for therapy as well as to get our story out. If heaven forbid anything happens there is a trail that would lead back. Not that I have a wish for anything of the sort. I want to live out the remaining days of my life with Terry on a porch in some rockers or at a campsite over looking a river or lake. Enjoying our children and one another.

I look forward to the day when I won't have to look over my shoulder with concern that my STBX or my son is not out to get one of us. I do not look forward to the day that comes when he will be allowed to see the girls without visitation. Though he threatens he will gain custody of the girls soon. I honestly do not see how. My worry level is so peaked right now. I know I need to set my thoughts on positive and happiness for this Little One that we have been blessed with needs to cook a little longer!

I relish every moment of this pregnancy for many reasons! I'm with a man that, besides my children, has become my joy, my best friend, I have am learning to put any fear aside about things on my mind or concerns I have. I have been blessed to find the man I wanted to be a partner with. He makes me laugh and my heart grows warm even now when I think of him. He has taken such a shine to the girls and they love him to pieces! He knows he will never take the place in their hearts of their bio Dad, nor is that something he is intending! He is a positive male figure in their life and I am just amazed at how he can make them giggle and they go so many places with him. They have learned so much in such a short time!

Our escape was not meant as a sweet thing. It was meant as the best means and way possible for our new life. It didn't turn out exactly the way I planned, life never does. God has been good to us and has shown me that in every facet! I'm in a work place I am not thrilled with but at this time when so many are unemployed it pays the rent! Not much more but it works! Terry is still looking but right now, with the Little One coming it is wonderful to have him home with us. I'll be done with school soon, I can work on my Doula business a bit after the baby comes and find a better job.

Keeping my faith and my wits about me is something Terry has been helping me through. I really do count my blessings God gave me you!

More pearls of wisdom and rantings at www.myspace.com/hopewhentherewasnone

Find me on Facebook!

After some hemming and hawing I decided to start a FB page for Survivors and Victims of any type of abuse. To share experiences or to leave a face with their story so we can put a face on Abuse!

Hopefully others can inspire and give hope to those that just can't leave or kick they're abuser out the door! I do not want this to bash our abusers. That's not it's purpose. Why stoop to that level or your abuser?

It's easy to just want to forget your past to move on with your future. But, trust me, it's not easy! Even with my best intentions to put my head in the sand to ease the memories, the past comes up behind me like a dark monster looming in the dark.

Embrace you! Embrace your past! It is what made you! Let those experiences make you stronger!

Help me put a face on Abuse! Strength in numbers!

Find me here- hopewhentherewasnone or Melinda Kunst on FB!

BIG HUGS and Blessings!

Mel

Happily ever after...

I went through with it. I confessed to Terry some of my fears. God love him! He gave me some time to think and offered to call everything off. I felt so silly. I hyperventilated the whole week prior.  The big day came and the big day was beautiful! We couldn't have asked for better weather! We had a quick ceremony at church and then everyone piled into their cars and traveled down to the homestead, to feast on yummy food brought by my family and friends.

I got my Final Decree in the mail. It was very emotional for me. I cried for a bit. Feeling relief, overwhelmed, joy. I remain cautious while out and about as well as at home. 

Remember, yes there can be a "Happily ever ..." after a DV relationship.

It starts with -

*Leaving a paper trail. Tell anyone you can about the abuse. File police reports and Orders of Protection!

*Making a Safety plan

*Leaving your abuser

*Ditching the ties with the Abuser and possibly his/her family. There are times when some families say they are your allies but as time progresses true colors come out or fear of your abuser get to them. They may become defensive or defend the abuser. Suddenly, your support from his/her side wavers and poof! You could become the bad guy! Leaving you to scratch your head...

*Learning to live again without CHAOS! My daughter was on the phone with a friend and she could hear the dad yelling at the mom. My daughter J, was sad for her friend. But happy that's not a part of our lives anymore!

*LOVING YOURSELF! That's a hard one, at least it was/is for me.

* Stop blaming YOURSELF! It's hard not silence the nagging little voice of your abuser that can pop up randomly.

*BREAK the PATTERN of the same type of love relationships. You meet Mr./Mrs. Wonderful at a bar and they seem to always be losers. HELLO! Or you seem to keep attracting the same type of bad personality? It happens to many women/men. Your not alone! I was asked to date on various occassions but something seemed off and not right. Glad I listened to my inner guts, because lo and behold BINGO Dr. Hyde comes out.

*Don't bed the first person that sweeps you off your feet. Take time to get to know the person. Don't be afraid to ask his/her friends and family about this person. Google them!

Now don't email me about the laws on this stuff, I'm no attorney. I found out one gentleman was deep into BD/SM (Not that I am knocking that, it's just not a thing I want to jump back into. Not my cup of tea) and he was asked to retire from the Police due to ties to several unsolved murders of prisoners and has had sexual assault charges brought against him by other female officers. THANK YOU GOOGLE!

If you still feel like he or she is too good to be true, hire a detective. Ask YOUR friends and family what they see or think. It helps to have another pair of eyes to see what you may "not" want to see. You can see Mr./Mrs. Wonderful through rose colored glasses. So be open to hear what they have to say!

*Change you! You are deserving of happiness and joy! Break any kind of habits that aren't good for you. (In my own opinion) Smoking, drugs, alcohol, anything that is illegal. Maybe partying all night. Dressing provocatively. I personally want a person to be attracted to me, not the clothes I'm wearing. I want their eyes to be fixed on mine not my breasts or my behind. You attract what you put out there. I'm more modest at my old age.

*Start your change by taking up a long forgotten hobby, Vision (Wish/Prayer) board or create a Bucket list of things you want to do (See previous posts). Whether it's losing weight, breaking out your glue gun, writing, singing, dancing or what have you. The world is still your oyster! Grab it!

*Think positive! Kick old thoughts to the curb. Challenge yourself to say something positive to yourself or those around you.  Remember if you have children (pets) that have endured abuse they need a boost too! Get them involved in making a positive change for the better. Remind children that the relationship you had with your abuser is not the "Norm". That there is better times. That they can do anything they put they're minds to! Remind them that Dad (or Boy/Girlfriend) or Mom's behavior is their's. They can break and make new positive patterns. They are capable of great things too!

All of these take time. They can happen with baby steps, courage, persistance and love. Oh, there will be bumps in the road. (Terry and I have issues but they are nothing compared to the relationship I had with my EX)

Talk to someone, a counselor, friend or family member. Please remember your not alone! There are others just like you suffering in silence. Break the chain! Stand up! Don't take anymore! (I am not encouraging anyone to take another life here)

Get away safely or call the police to keep your abuser away. Tell someone! Anyone! Write a blog! Keep your face in your blog so you keep a name with your face. That you are a person that doesn't want to end up splashed on the news as a statistic.

God bless and keep you Dear Blog reader!

Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!

Mel