Martha
A co-worker suggested I talk
with to her friend, Martha. Martha is an older woman and her best friend. She
has been in an abusive relationship for years but hasn’t left yet.
When I had the chance to
talk with her she gave me the history of the marriage. Martha and her husband,
Mike, had both been married previously to others they have five grown children
together from the other marriages.
Martha’s first husband
passed away from heart issues, they had been married for twenty-two years. She
says they were happy for all of those years. They very rarely had a
disagreement. Feeling very lonely, she took advice from friends and went out
with an old high school flame. It ended amicably once they both went separate
ways for college.
They got along very well. As
they began to date, she learned that he was an alcoholic. Close family and
friends knew. His first marriage ended due to his drinking issues.
The romance was a whirlwind
despite the elephant in the room. He treated her like a queen. He showered her
with love, gifts, and claimed her children as his own. His own children had
since wandered away and seemed to avoid Mike. Martha felt crushed by the
rejection and thought Mike should be as well. He blew her off and said it was
because his ex-wife filled their heads when they were young with negative
statements about him.
Undaunted, Martha felt that
she was capable of helping him to stop his habit. Therefore, she set her heart
on helping him the best she could. Before long, Mike began to push her away.
Telling her to stop babying him, he was a grown man and didn’t need anyone to
mother over him. He felt he had his drinking in control.
As the years passed, the
sprinkle kept losing its shine on their relationship. Friends stopped coming by
and the only ones that came over seemed to be taken advantage of Mike. He was
influential in the business circle and those that came around only wanted money
or a favor. Mike didn’t see it that way. He felt that he was the King of the
community.
A year into the marriage
Martha had reached out to his ex-wife, Sara. She wanted to forge a relationship
with Mike’s children and to find out for herself if this woman was as evil as
he claimed.
She learned the marriage
broke up due to his continued drinking. The children formed their own opinion
of Mike. They saw him in a cycle of drunken stupors, rages, and deep
depression.
They grew tired of watching
the train wreck, which was their father. Sara admitted she too was constantly
worried about if he was even going to walk in the door or the police would show
up with the news that he had died in a car accident. She said he never hit her
or the kids but could be very mean-spirited. Finally, enough was enough and she
kicked him out.
The relationship between the
women grew and they ended up being best friends. Martha was able to call Sara
any time she felt like things were rough. Sara was a wonderful comfort.
Mike’s drinking was out of
control. He was becoming late for work or he wouldn’t go in at all. Martha was
using tough love and not buying any alcohol so he began drinking mouthwash or
whatever he could find in the house.
Finding that a lost cause
she reaches out to a local AA group for answers and she shares what she has
learned with Mike. He has no interest since he advises her that he doesn’t have
a drinking problem. It’s all in her mind a few beers after work does not make
him an alcoholic. Martha shares that he drinks two cases of beer a day and
sometimes stops at the bar for a drink before heading home.
Intimacy has been gone for
seven years. He refuses to touch her due to her weight. Mike says that she has
let go of herself and he is not attracted anymore.
He was as Sara said, mean-spirited.
Calling Martha names, telling her she was useless, fat, and that he wished she
would die. Hurt by these names and his occasional rage where he would break
things or throw things in the house. In those rare moments, Mike would
apologize to her and tell her it wouldn’t happen again. He would say that he
would try harder to stop and beg her not to leave him. He didn’t want to be
lonely again.
Martha’s confidence that she
could help him wavered greatly. After a decade past, her own children were gone
from the nest and she was lonely. They wouldn’t come over to visit. They both had
grandchildren but had a hard time seeing them due to Mike. Mike had forbidden
her to see that at all but in defiance, she would, Martha would sneak over to
see them alone.
She would make up excuses,
such as, she had to run to the store, or friends from work were taking her out.
Martha knew how upset he would be if he learned the truth.
This didn’t last long.
Someone posted a picture on social media of Martha and her newest grandbaby.
Mike saw this and was livid. He came home early from work after seeing that,
stormed in the door; Martha had just gotten home from that fateful visit.
Once in the door, he started
throwing things at her, a glass caught her in the back as she turned away. Mike
was telling her that she was disobedient, didn’t he tell her not to see the
kids! He screamed obscenities at her, grabbed her purse and took her keys. He
ranted that she would never be able to leave the house and he walked out the
door and sped away.
Martha surveys the damage
done around the house and to her. She sank down in her kitchen and cried.
The next day she shares with
a co-worker her situation that fills me in with brief information. After
chatting with her, she announces that she will not leave him. She can endure
this. She is in her 60’s and has no other prospects. She is in poor health and
is in love with Mike. We discuss options for housing. The house is in Mike’s
name and she doesn’t want to kick him out. She has a job so that is one worry
off the shelf. Martha
She feels lost.
She feels lonely.
She stays.
We chat together every
couple of months. Martha admits she wants to leave but just can’t. All I can do
is reminding her she is a wonderful woman that deserves happiness. We talk
about tools she can use to boost her self-esteem, and she has since found a
small circle of friends that have similar family issues. This helps her keep
her sanity.
She doubts she will ever
leave Mike and longs for a different life.
*I am not an Attorney or Counselor, please seek out a licensed individual for more information and help. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination, given with permission, or used in a fictitious manner. And any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental .*
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