A little about me

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Victim and Survivor Personal Bill of Rights!

No one deserves to be abused! Whether it is through Bullying at school, work or DV at home. You have a right to happiness and joy! 

I have the right to ask for what I want.
I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can't meet.
I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
I have the right to change my mind.
I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
I have the right to follow my own standards.
I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.
I have the right to determine my own priorities.
I have the right not to be responsible for others' behavior, actions, feelings, or problems.
I have the right to expect honesty from others.
I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
I have the right to be uniquely myself.
I have the right to feel scared and say "I'm scared."
I have the right to say "I don't know."
I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.

I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
I have the right to be in a non abusive environment.
I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
I have the right to change and grow.
I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
I have the right to be happy.

Positive affirmations for you!

I deserve to be happy and successful
I have the power to change myself
I can forgive and understand others and their motives
I can make my own choices and decisions
I am free to choose to live as I wish and to give priority to my desires
I can choose happiness whenever I wish no matter what my circumstances
I am flexible and open to positive change in every aspect of my life
I act with confidence having a general plan and accept plans are open to alteration
It is enough to have done my best
I deserve to be loved
I love myself for who I am
Fear is only a feeling; it cannot hold me back
I know that I can master anything
Today I am willing to fail in order to succeed
I have the strength to make my dreams come true
I trust in myself
I am proud of myself for even daring to try
Today I put my full trust in my inner guidance
I grow in strength with every forward step I take
I release my hesitation and make room for victory
I can do anything I set my mind to do
I like myself better each day
I am capable and strong
I am a winner
I am a deserving human being
I am able to easily handle any problem I face

Stay safe! 
Be strong and remember you are worthy of love and happiness without fear of being hurt in anyway!

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Happy Anniversary!

Today is 3 years that I left my husband.

Even though it has been 3 years, a huge wave of emotions rampage through my mind and heart. Oh, I don't wish for what never can be. I lost all hope for that several years prior to leaving him.

As I have said in previous posts, it hasn't been easy. Not going to sugar coat it! He needs help and the obsessive, controlling, psychopath is not seeking any treatment any time soon.

He still pleads with me to come back.
He still claims he has changed.
He promises to love me and he hasn't lost his love for me.
He wants his toy back.

I'm not going back to crazy! Been there, done that, got the T-shirt and post card.

Court officials are still shaking their heads at the lack of belief that he has created about our relationship. I'm still his wife. Til death do we part.

It causes me to cringe when I hear him call me his husband and I his wife. Of course he will tell me to come back to my senses and "get my ass back home". HA! Changed man?! No changing that Gaslighter...

After all the things he has done to me, to us, was to change my Son's love towards me. All the physical, emotional and mental crap aside that was the worst thing he did. I missed his prom, I missed his 16th birthday, I missed his Christmases and I miss him.

Court is coming up on the 6th of March. I never look forward to a court date. But, this time I have a really good attorney and I am anxious due to a new GAL involvement. She really seems to have the best interest of the kids at heart.

All this aside when you, whoever you are reading this, decides you are going to leave your abuser. Please remember all relationships are different. All divorces and separations are different. Any abuse that you experienced during your relationship won't just cease once you left out the door or threw his rear out. He/she will still be abusive. They don't change overnight, despite any promises of the latter.

He will call you names.
He will say horrible things.
He will say it's your fault.
He will say he was trying and your just making trouble or wanting the relationship to end.
He will say your a terrible Wife/Partner/Mom.
He may say your an alcoholic/drug abuser/whore to anyone that will listen.
He will tell you mean the world to him.
He will say anything and everything he can that are both positive and negative.
He will beg you to come back.
He will promise to be a better person.
He will promise to get help.

He may tell your children negative things about you or if you are in a divorce process he may tell the kids things they shouldn't know about. Be prepared to de-program your children after a visit with him. My children verbally would gang up on me after a visit. They would pepper me with accusations and mean spirited things after a visit with him. By the time the next visit rolled around they would be fine only to go back to visit and start the roller coaster all over again.

You have to learn to be strong enough to say NO! No more!

You have to  learn that you are not at his beck and call!

Screw the bills, banking and passcodes! Let him figure it out!

Donate the flowers or candy to the local nursing home. Don't accept them!

Block his calls! Or don't answer them! Screen your calls. Give a 24 hour call back if it is really important (someone is dead or in hospital, use your BETTER JUDGEMENT!). He wants to keep a dialog with you, even if it is a shouting dialog, he has you back talking to him!

If you find him following you or coming around where ever you are living call the police! If he is calling you numerous time call the police!

Leave a paper trail! I have learned that this is so important!

Be aware of your surroundings at all times. If you go out for the day, even if it is just a short errand, please let someone know where you are going at all times! This may seem tedious, but have you read the papers or watched the news? Sadly, there are times when a break-up takes a turn for the worst.

If you need to talk to someone about your feelings please join a support group, start a blog, seek a counselor if need be. I choose not to see anyone now. I have a wonderful support system of family and friends I can whine, cry and groan too.

I do have PTSD, I do have panic attacks, I do have wet the bed nightmares about him, I do have fear that still causes me to shake and I do still fear him. I'm not proud of these things, but I refuse to be drugged up (the side effects of some drugs cause some to become suicidal. Been there before too!). I choose to make my own happiness. I don't have to be governed by rules or regulations. I don't have to live in fear anymore, though I still struggle with this. I choose to find things to occupy my mind or time that better my life.

I blog
I craft
I travel locally
I read my Bible, this is a wonderful source of comfort and strength for me
I talk, text, email friends and family
I garden
I antique
I learn

I do things to make me happy. I do these things for fulfillment. To bring me joy. I wish nothing but good things for my abuser. I wish he would get help and become a AWESOME father to his children. I wish he would move on and not abuse the next woman or her children. I wish he would love his children and not treat them as possessions. I wish my children will heal and not follow in the footsteps of their parents. That they would become successful, wonderful and encouraging mates, parents and friends. I pray for happiness for my own heart and healing. This comes with time... And though we are still running on the legal hamster wheel for now over almost 3 years, I see that there is a reason for the length.

Now hear me out! I know it seems like forever since I began this journey, but now my abuser is being asked to take psycho. exams. This will go on his record and court records about his mental stability! If something should happen to me/us there will be a paper trail. There will be evidence that he is unstable and something will to have been done about it. Whether it be medicating him, counseling (Remember the phone harassing punishment from last July? He was supposed to go to Anger management class, I don't think it worked!), regardless there will be some type of record of his mental state. I pray nothing happens and that once I write a book about this years down the road we can all laugh at the ridiculousness of all of this. I still shake my head about how silly some of these situations sound!

Be safe! I don't want to dissuade anyone's leaving their abuser. I want you to be armed with knowledge and never give up hope of happiness! I know there are a bunch of us Survivors that will tell you it may take time but it is worth it!


(Love the above photo thank you for posting it on FB Leslie!)

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

So you went back...

How's that working for you?

I hope your well. I see you have been offline when I come on. I notice you aren't answering your messages from me as well...

I heard he's back to his old ways. I heard you are emotions bruised up and the excuse is that your all clumsy.

Can't do anything right can you?

Gosh you must be stupid!

Can you clean house?

Can't you cook anything?

Why does everything you do seem wrong?! 

Wake up Girly! The honeymoon is over! Mr. Wonderful is back to himself! You don't have to feel bad that your blowing me off. You don't have to feel as though "She told me so!". I still care! I still worry about you.

You CAN live without him!

You CAN survive!

You WILL cry!

Don't be afraid to file a harassment or police report if the loser stalks you or texts you a hundred times.

Your NOT a whore! Or a cheater!

I have been looking in your relationship for sometime now and I see your hurting. I hear your falling apart physically the longer you stay with him. Why do you think that some of the ailments are plaguing you? Guess what Baby! Your body is telling you that you are DONE! Your heart may tell you otherwise, but your mind knows its time to say goodbye!

Don't look back this time! Don't answer his calls! Screw his bills or his other issues! He's a big boy! He can figure out passwords, how to use a checkbook, feed himself and clean. Heck, didn't he say you couldn't do that stuff right anyway?

Oh! He's changed? He promised right? He slips sometimes right? Oh wait! He tells you that you are just out to get revenge now or doom the relationship. Now are you trying to convince me or yourself these lies? Is he still playing mind games with you?

WAKE UP! HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE! He needs help and you have been in this relationship long enough to help him. YOU DID all the RIGHT things! You coddled him, you begged, you cried, you pleaded... Now you need to realize that you did all you can. You need to go. You are wasting what precious time you have left in this world.

If you had a dollar for a soda machine and your crumpled dollar doesn't stay in do you keep inserting the same bill? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different response. Sorry, no way and no how! He's too far gone. Let him go! Let yourself realize that you are far too important to keep doing this to you!

Read these stories and let me know if you still have any feeling for your self or your kids!




Need I go on? There is a story about the Powell family, a story of a man that killed his pregnant wife and more stories of other horrible tragedies... Will you be the next story I read about in the papers?

Oh that's right, words aren't as bad right? Because he isn't heavy handed and uses words now it's ok? At least he has changed that... Well, I guess I was wrong... Sorry to have bugged you. I hope your happy. Good luck to you... I'm still here if you ever need to vent.

Friday, February 10, 2012

My readers...

It is amazing to me at the traffic I get through my little old blog.

I created this as an extension for my healing. To muddle through old memories as well as struggles after I left my abuser. The up's, down's and roller coaster ride for nearly 3 years now has been fought with times of throwing in the towel. Giving up hope, my pride and self worth.

Learning to become the "Old me" again has been a wonderful thing. Finding my hobbies again. Doing things I want to do and stopped doing has made me filled with joy and happiness. Dwelling on my past or looking back to things that I can not change brings me down at one point I claimed the misery. Wearing it as a weight around my neck. Feeling as though the world looked at me as a stupid woman for staying with the bastard as long as I did. Or being a bad Mom for allowing things to happen to my children, allowing him to get away with his bad behavior. Not leaving him sooner then I should have. Allowing him to plant seeds in my mind that I couldn't live without him.

I've grown in these past 3 years more then I have since being a teenager. I have learned that God is still walking with me. To start to love me, to become a better Mom, friend, and partner. I have learned that "I am" NOT accountable for his behavior. "I" did not make him do anything to me or the kids. "I" did not cause him to strike me. He was always in control and accountable for everything he did to us or to others.

I am no longer:
A punching bag
A bitch
A cunt (I hate that word!)
A whore
A pig
A sausage (still pondering that one)
An idiot
A bad wife
A terrible person
A bad mother
Making excuses for his behavior or actions
Most importantly!
I am no longer silent

God bless and keep all of you for the support, encouragement and kind words throughout the start of this blog. Knowing I have been able to do the same for many is both a joy and a challenge to me.
It is one thing to tell a person to leave an Abuser but another to know that "She/He" has to make that decision on their own. And no matter how bad the situation or even if does not seem that bad to a person, I am looking in on a snippet of what that person has shared with me, leaving me to pray to God for a end to the madness in that person's life. Or for something to happen to jar the person awake enough to realize for themselves that enough is enough and they need to leave.

No excuses and no looking back. You will know when you hit bottom or when the time to jump is.
Please want more for yourself and your children (or pets). Please ask God to help you through your time, to protect you and your loved one. To make you strong. To forgive your Abuser when you are ready. (Even if they have not changed)

God and peace be with you! Stay safe!

Yours truly,

Monday, February 6, 2012

The Powell family

The Powell family

I am sadden to hear about the events that unfolded and how the case worker must feel, but I can't but feel some immense harshness must be put on our legal system. No, it can not save everyone, but those children didn't get a chance. Thousands of children dragged through our legal system to give rights to parents that can not otherwise see their child unless it is supervised. Who is the voice for these children? I can not even put into words how horrific and terrible that had to be...

Their Mother has still not been found alive or dead. It's too early to speculate on details. It is hard to feel remorse for this man. A friend of the family mentioned that the children were possessions to him. Funny, I felt my STBX felt the same way about us.

Please if you are in a domestic situation, get to safety and let someone know what you are going through. It's hard to tell anyone that everything will be OK when you hear about this story or others with families in turmoil and strife. And it is sad to say that there is a chance that you won't make it through the divorce process alive also, you may have to keep safe and do whatever you have to in order to keep your children safe. But whatever means... Don't be silent anymore.