A little about me

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

If you can't see the scars it must not have happened...

"If there's no mark it didnt' happen!"
"You made it up to put me in a bad light!"
"For people to think I'm an *sshole!"
"I never pushed/threw/hit/smacked/kicked you!"

I did something to my back a few weeks back. The pain was so dang bad I wanted to cry. I whimpered and moaned when no one was around. Even despite my exterior when someone was around the pain got the best of me, at times the pain would suck my breath away.

I finally sucked it up and went to the Chiropractor, he took the usual required X-rays yesterday and told me to return today. With the amount of pain I was in, he explained that he was looking at a torn or ruptured disk. I hoped he was puffing it up! Ya-da, Ya-da, Ya-da...

I went back today, asking God to let it be just something small like a sore muscle. Still unsure if it's more then a herniated disk or what have you. He is holding off on a MRI until more sessions with me. He brought up my X-rays and began explaining what I was seeing.

He was rattling off a number of things wrong with my spine and he mentioned that the injuries to my back and neck were related to more blunt trauma or severe. I told him about a car accident that I had in detail. He was frowning the whole time.

My neck had been fractured at some point in time. Small but the tell tale sign of calcification.

Towards my tail bone there was more trauma.  And a few other spots towards the middle.

I felt choked up.

He asked if I was experiencing pain in these areas. I said, "The accident..."

He said, "These are not from a normal car accident".

I know what these are from. You could never see some of the marks (scars) on the outside of my body from where I had been choked, pushed, shoved and kicked repeatedly over time. You can't tell from looking at me the physical and emotional toll that had on me. Years of promises it wouldn't happen again.

I talked or babbled to Terry after I saw the Doctor. I was a mess! I had to pull over. I'm still a bit sad and with a splash of anger that surprises me. Anger for his continued denial of not hurting me "that bad". Terry was wonderful to soothe me and remind me all that was in the past. I should look forward and he loved me.

When you think that he didn't leave any marks, your guts and bones tell you another story. They leave a history of bad times which brings to mind of rings on a tree.

I have a glimmer of hope that he can't hurt me anymore. The doubt that once the upcoming trial is over, I will be on my own to sort through his madness, deprogram and worry about the girls safety if he is allowed to visit with them unsupervised.

I'm less then thrilled that the percentage of those in DV situations that are in counseling as a family rarely fixes anything and can put the victims in harms way. I'm still scratching my head at this one.

PLEASE! If you are a victim of abuse get out! Get help! Tell someone! Don't suffer in silence! Leave a paper trail! Start a blog to start to heal. Stay safe...


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