Today is 3 years that I left my husband.
Even though it has been 3 years, a huge wave of emotions rampage through my mind and heart. Oh, I don't wish for what never can be. I lost all hope for that several years prior to leaving him.
As I have said in previous posts, it hasn't been easy. Not going to sugar coat it! He needs help and the obsessive, controlling, psychopath is not seeking any treatment any time soon.
He still pleads with me to come back.
He still claims he has changed.
He promises to love me and he hasn't lost his love for me.
He wants his toy back.
I'm not going back to crazy! Been there, done that, got the T-shirt and post card.
Court officials are still shaking their heads at the lack of belief that he has created about our relationship. I'm still his wife. Til death do we part.
It causes me to cringe when I hear him call me his husband and I his wife. Of course he will tell me to come back to my senses and "get my ass back home". HA! Changed man?! No changing that Gaslighter...
After all the things he has done to me, to us, was to change my Son's love towards me. All the physical, emotional and mental crap aside that was the worst thing he did. I missed his prom, I missed his 16th birthday, I missed his Christmases and I miss him.
Court is coming up on the 6th of March. I never look forward to a court date. But, this time I have a really good attorney and I am anxious due to a new GAL involvement. She really seems to have the best interest of the kids at heart.
All this aside when you, whoever you are reading this, decides you are going to leave your abuser. Please remember all relationships are different. All divorces and separations are different. Any abuse that you experienced during your relationship won't just cease once you left out the door or threw his rear out. He/she will still be abusive. They don't change overnight, despite any promises of the latter.
He will call you names.
He will say horrible things.
He will say it's your fault.
He will say he was trying and your just making trouble or wanting the relationship to end.
He will say your a terrible Wife/Partner/Mom.
He may say your an alcoholic/drug abuser/whore to anyone that will listen.
He will tell you mean the world to him.
He will say anything and everything he can that are both positive and negative.
He will beg you to come back.
He will promise to be a better person.
He will promise to get help.
He may tell your children negative things about you or if you are in a divorce process he may tell the kids things they shouldn't know about. Be prepared to de-program your children after a visit with him. My children verbally would gang up on me after a visit. They would pepper me with accusations and mean spirited things after a visit with him. By the time the next visit rolled around they would be fine only to go back to visit and start the roller coaster all over again.
You have to learn to be strong enough to say NO! No more!
You have to learn that you are not at his beck and call!
Screw the bills, banking and passcodes! Let him figure it out!
Donate the flowers or candy to the local nursing home. Don't accept them!
Block his calls! Or don't answer them! Screen your calls. Give a 24 hour call back if it is really important (someone is dead or in hospital, use your BETTER JUDGEMENT!). He wants to keep a dialog with you, even if it is a shouting dialog, he has you back talking to him!
If you find him following you or coming around where ever you are living call the police! If he is calling you numerous time call the police!
Leave a paper trail! I have learned that this is so important!
Be aware of your surroundings at all times. If you go out for the day, even if it is just a short errand, please let someone know where you are going at all times! This may seem tedious, but have you read the papers or watched the news? Sadly, there are times when a break-up takes a turn for the worst.
If you need to talk to someone about your feelings please join a support group, start a blog, seek a counselor if need be. I choose not to see anyone now. I have a wonderful support system of family and friends I can whine, cry and groan too.
I do have PTSD, I do have panic attacks, I do have wet the bed nightmares about him, I do have fear that still causes me to shake and I do still fear him. I'm not proud of these things, but I refuse to be drugged up (the side effects of some drugs cause some to become suicidal. Been there before too!). I choose to make my own happiness. I don't have to be governed by rules or regulations. I don't have to live in fear anymore, though I still struggle with this. I choose to find things to occupy my mind or time that better my life.
I blog
I craft
I travel locally
I read my Bible, this is a wonderful source of comfort and strength for me
I talk, text, email friends and family
I garden
I antique
I learn
I do things to make me happy. I do these things for fulfillment. To bring me joy. I wish nothing but good things for my abuser. I wish he would get help and become a AWESOME father to his children. I wish he would move on and not abuse the next woman or her children. I wish he would love his children and not treat them as possessions. I wish my children will heal and not follow in the footsteps of their parents. That they would become successful, wonderful and encouraging mates, parents and friends. I pray for happiness for my own heart and healing. This comes with time... And though we are still running on the legal hamster wheel for now over almost 3 years, I see that there is a reason for the length.
Now hear me out! I know it seems like forever since I began this journey, but now my abuser is being asked to take psycho. exams. This will go on his record and court records about his mental stability! If something should happen to me/us there will be a paper trail. There will be evidence that he is unstable and something will to have been done about it. Whether it be medicating him, counseling (Remember the phone harassing punishment from last July? He was supposed to go to Anger management class, I don't think it worked!), regardless there will be some type of record of his mental state. I pray nothing happens and that once I write a book about this years down the road we can all laugh at the ridiculousness of all of this. I still shake my head about how silly some of these situations sound!
Be safe! I don't want to dissuade anyone's leaving their abuser. I want you to be armed with knowledge and never give up hope of happiness! I know there are a bunch of us Survivors that will tell you it may take time but it is worth it!
BIG HUGS!
Mel
(Love the above photo thank you for posting it on FB Leslie!)
