Why did you make him mad?!

What did you do to make him lose control?
What did you do to make him mad?
What did you say?
You know that makes him mad why did you do that?

See the trend?

You never mad him mad! You are not to blame! You did nothing to poke the bear. You have to believe this! Make this your belief or mantra, say it over and over in your mind if you are going through a tough time.

Honestly, personally I didn't want to tick him off when things became nasty. I went above and beyond to try to get things to go as smoothly as possible. Pleasing my Gaslighter was number one on my list in order to make home life tolerable. Even if it meant putting my children on hold, in his mind HE came first. As long as the kids weren't bleeding they were fine. His needs became above and beyond my time with God. "That's what Sunday is for!" he would complain, of course when Sunday came around he made the excuse that God would understand I was to spend time with him. Oh and then it was my fault for making us late to church later in the day.

Oh, sure I enjoyed getting yelled at. Sure, I just enjoyed things getting thrown at me. Sure, I enjoyed being told I was just useless for anything. My favorites, sarcasm, were the "Why do you like making me lose control?" talks. I must like being hit or abused. I must enjoy the punishment. I must get off by getting hit. I must get a thrill from being kicked or punched. SURE!


Why do you make me mad? Can't we just have a nice (Fill in the blank) once?!


Yes, right, I couldn't get enough of the psycho in my face, choking me or slapping me. I enjoyed the Indian rubs until I cried because he rubbed my skin raw while he just laughed and told me I deserve this because I made him mad. 

HE CHOOSE to do these things to me!

HE CHOOSE before he made it in the door that he was going to make the night or day miserable.

HE CHOOSE his behavior not me! 

And HE had the choice to be responsible for his behavior! He had such a thrill from berating me and the kids. He had a sense of power and control from making us cower and hide from him. Of course he would turn it around and say I turned the kids against him. I must have said something to do that! Or the whole world/family/friends are against him! What must have told them something!

What did I blog about or say to them on the phone? I must have said some kind of code words to make them question his behavior or they acted suspcious when he was around, what did I do?Leaving this man was the best thing I ever did! I should have documented the abuse! I wish I did! I know now I did nothing to provoke him or to "Make him mad". I know now that there was very little I could have done to prevent any of the events besides getting out sooner or telling police, family or friends sooner.

You didn't poke the bear! We are victims and survivors deserving real love! Real love is not abuse of any sort. Real love is not rape, beat, being mentally or emotionally abused. Real love doesn't hurt... Abusers do not know what love is! They know they crave it. They know they say the words but they don't mean it. They don't want to be alone and will say or do anything to keep you where you are! 

Time and time again shows abusers do not change! Change only happens when you take a leap of faith, believe and DON'T LOOK BACK!

Met with his atty today!

I was worried that it was a trap and STBX would be there. The meeting went well, he had four things to go over with me:
1) Custody
2) Child Support
3) Parenting Time
4) Property division

So, apparently, STBX wants to keep custody as is.

Child support is to stay as it is, though he mentioned the court may add $290 a week to my income, even though I am still out of work. HUH?! I figure "he" must be wigging out he pays too much. I did say that I WISH I had a 40 hour a week job that pays that much a week! I do have a student loan and stuck with those stinky taxes from the business recently! Oh, the atty did not even know we had businesses together...

Parenting time is still up for discussion. In order to have Parenting time the Order of Protection would need to be dropped! YIKES! I know he plans to ask for that to be dismissed. I told him the girls are terrified of STBX. He said Parenting time at Children's Treehouse one hour is supervised and safe. Any funny business and visits will be off. So if the Order is dropped not only do I have to worry about the girls safety but the rest of us too!

Property division, apparently I am entitled to his Pension and Savings through the Union. The Savings through the Union was a surprise to the Atty! STBX did not disclose this to him! He said he was going to ask the Union about that!

I mentioned the threats of violence and that STBX does not forget, he holds grudges and will get even or kill the girls. I mentioned the Murder for Hire, I mentioned the times that the police were called to visitation, I mentioned that his parents were in bad health, because he asked if that was a place we could continue to hold visits! HA! Apparently his client is not forecoming about things, SURPRISE!

He asked if there was anything else and I told him that I was going to ask for a formal psych eval. He shook his head and said this was a waste of time, and will prolong the divorce! I could do what I want but that's not what they want and he will argue that.

He was unaware we have a GAL on the case! I was informed on Monday. I plan on calling her in a few to let her know we have court. He did ask about others on the case and I did tell him that STBX threatened and scared the counselor and GAL away. No response but posture change.

Anyway he wants to get it closed, over and done with. Heck with details of the girls safety apparently!

Off topic~ I had a health scare, TMI! My results from my pap came out and I needed to phone the Dr's to get them. Great! I knew that couldn't be good! So I am already wound pretty tight! I called and finally got the results. I am HPV positive but nothing active! Yea! I probably got the virus around the time I got HSV2. Wonderful! But all my other labs for STD's came out negative! YEAH ME! I retest yearly and should be OK. WHEW! I had all these nasty thoughts run through my head... You know, you think the worst. I prayed and prayed. Thank goodness God isn't done with me yet!

Now to work on my Bible study, I missed last week in town because I was so tired and not feeling well. Yes, SuperMom is not invincible! BIG CHEESY GRIN! I may break out my glue gun or some flowers for something imaginative. Glitter always makes me happy! Sorry to ramble!

Monday is court, I wrote down a bunch of points I hope to talk about. Wish me luck! I am still nervous! Thinking positive thoughts! Until next the soap opera episode after Monday!

Children's Bill of Rights

I signed up for emails from childcentereddivorce.com. I have gained a good amount of knowledge about the divorce and separation process with regard to kids. Of course some of it is hard for us to use in our case due to the complexity and mechanics of our divorce. It isn't your average run the mill divorce! However this is still a great website to browse!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Children's Bill of Rights
This list was composed by attorney Rob V. Robertson. It's quite comprehensive and worth reading through. If it touches a chord with you in an area in which you might want to re-think your parenting decisions, then this will be a valuable read that can positively impact your life. It's also a useful tool to spark conversation with your co-parent on the day-to-day challenges you face in parenting after divorce.
Marriage is a contract between adults, and when it ends, the matter is between the adults also. Yet no parental action has a greater impact on children. Children love their parents and want to be with them. Even in times of great stress, parents have a responsibility to conduct their legal affairs in a manner that will protect their children from adult conflicts.
At a minimum, children are entitled to the following Bill of Rights:
1. Neither parent shall deny the child reasonable use of the telephone to place and receive calls with the other parent and relatives.
2. Neither parent shall speak or write derogatory remarks about the other parent to the child, or engage in abusive, coarse or foul language, which can be overheard by the child whether or not the language involves the other parent.
3. Neither parent shall permit the children to overhear arguments, negotiations or other substantive discussions about legal or business dealings between the parents.
4. Neither parent shall physically or psychologically attempt to pressure, attempt to influence, pressure or influence the children concerning the personal opinion or position of the child concerning legal proceedings between the parents.
5. Each parent will permit the child to display photographs of the other parent or both parents in the child's room.
6. Neither parent shall communicate moral judgments about the other parent to the child concerning the other parent's choice of values, lifestyle, choice of friends, successes or failures in life (career, financial, relational) or residential choice.
7. The parents will acknowledge to the child that the child has two homes although the child may spend more time at one home than the other.
8. The parents shall cooperate to the greatest extent practicable in sharing time with the child.
9. Each parent will permit the child to retain, and allow easy access to, correspondence, greeting cards, and other written materials received from the other parent.
10. Each parent will respect the physical integrity of items possessed by the child which depict the other parent or remind the child of the other parent.
11. Neither parent will trivialize, or deny the existence of the other parent to the child.
12. Neither parent will interrogate the child about the other parent nor will either parent discourage comments by the child about the other parent.
13. Neither parent will intercept, "lose", derail, "forget" or otherwise interfere with communications to the child from the other parent.
14. Neither parent will refuse to acknowledge that the child can have or should have good experiences with the other parent.
15. Neither parent will directly or indirectly attack or criticize to the child the extended family of the other parent, the other parent's career, the living and travel arrangements of the other parent, or lawful activities of the other parent or associates of the other parent.
16. Neither parent will use the child as a "middleman" by using the child to communicate with the other parent on inappropriate topics.
17. Neither parent will undermine the other parent in the eyes of the child by engaging in the "circumstantial syndrome" which is done by manipulating, changing, or rearranging facts.
18. Neither parent will create for, or exaggerate to, the child differences between the parents.
19. Neither parent will say and do things with an eye to gaining the child as an "ally" against the other parent.
20. Neither parent will encourage or instruct the child to be disobedient to the other parent, stepparents, or relatives.
21. Neither parent will reward the child to act negatively toward the other parent.
22. Neither parent will try to make the child believe he or she loves the child more than the other parent, by, for example, saying that he or she loves the child more than the other parent or over-informing the child on adult topics or overindulging the child.
23. Neither parent will discuss child support issues with the child.
24. Neither parent will engage in judgmental, opinionated or negative commentary, physical inspections or interrogations once the child arrives from his/her other home.
25. Neither parent will "rewrite" or "re-script" facts which the child originally knows to be different.
26. Neither parent will punish the child physically or threaten such punishment in order to influence the child to adopt the parent's negative program, if any, against the other parent.
27. Neither parent will permit the child to be transported by a person who is intoxicated due to consumption of alcohol or illegal drugs.
28. Neither parent will smoke tobacco materials inside structures or vehicles occupied at the time by the child.
29. Each parent will permit the child to carry gifts, toys, clothing, and other items belonging to the child with him or her to the residence of the other parent or relatives or permit the child to take gifts, toys, clothing, and other items belonging to the child back to the residence of the other parent, as the case may be, to facilitate the child having with him or her objects, important to the child. The gifts, toys, clothing and other items belonging to the child referred to here mean items which are reasonable transportable and does not include pets (which the parents agree are impractical to move about).

*     *     *

Rosalind Sedacca is founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! To access her her free resources visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Journey of Grace: This should be a happy time. Our meeting on Tuesd...

A long time friend of mine created a blog recently and I wanted to share her journey with you! I admire her strength and courage to keep her relationship together. I pray for the answer she is seeking to help her find the path and happiness! Please keep her and her family in your thoughts as she struggles to figure out should she stay or should she go...

Journey of Grace: This should be a happy time. Our meeting on Tuesd...: This should be a happy time. Our meeting on Tuesday did not end up in separation. My husband has made the appropriate changes and is getti...

The many faces of abuse

Painting a picture of abuse is as colorful as the a box of crayons. Sadly enough every minute there is a person that is a victim of abuse in some form or way.

Many people are in the dark as to who Domestic/Family/Emotional/Verbal/Sexual  violence or even bullying victims look like.




We are normal, not some Hollyweird picture of someone perhaps on drugs, homeless or drunk. Though some of us end up in those circumstance due to the stress or no where to go.

We are babies, children, Mom's, Grandma's, Aunt's, Uncle's (Don't forget boys and men suffering too!), Grandpa's, or cousin. What about pets? There are sad stories about animals being mistreated as well in the news!

In the women's shelter the wide variety of economic and ethinic backgrounds are across the spectrum of humanity. There were victims and survivors that were abused by daughters, sons, much older children, husband's, boyfriends, and girlfriends.

You may never really know who is a victim or survivor unless they break the silence and come forth to also break the cycle.

Sticks and stones

How often do recall either hearing those words or saying those words to others? Growing up I heard them and said them. Now as a Mother I still say them. Now believing them is entirely another thing.

As I say the words out loud, they sound empowering! But in reality, words do hurt. They hurt worse then a punch in some cases. I've had the wind knocked out of me by both fists and by words. For some reason as bad as it was words hurt more.

I've made other blogs about such here. At a recent Women's Bible study I am reminded about the power of our words daily. J. said this subject has reared it's ugly head again.She has had repeated run-in's with a group of girls that for some reason have decided to target her. During gym if she runs by them, they run away from her calling her "Nasty!""EW! She almost touched me! She's disgusting!" The poor girl has been through enough in her life. Despite the hormonal mouthy teen at home, she is good kid, while she is at school she is a different person. She is meek, quiet, and keeps to a few friends. She doesn't stand up for herself. She keeps it in. Of course I'm not supposed to say anything to the teachers because they will just keep it up or make fun of her more.

Last year the same girls were told to steer clear of her. For everyone to just leave one another alone. They made fun of her clothes, her hair and her body. They were to stop calling her a racist, of which this label carried over a bit this year. She hates having to see these girls. Despite bullying guidelines they keep on being mean or rude. And not just to her, there are some other children that are physically challenged that also get the brunt of verbal assaults.

I have to wonder if this type of behavior is allowed at their homes. It's so hard to see my children go through more abuse. It's frustrating and easy to say blow it off. Or get some back bone, life isn't fair and deal with it. It's hard not to go to the school and just give these children a tongue lashing myself or to confront the parents to ask if they believe this behavior is allowable. GGGRRRRFACE!

I teach my children to treat others as they are treated. I tell them they are beautiful, they are good kids, they are funny or they are capable of anything they set they're minds to! I tell them to smile it confuses people, to smile or say Hi to everyone. To love they're enemies. Oh that is a hard one! I also remind them that words are everything, and to think before they speak! Of course I have to remind myself of these things too!

How do words effect you? Smile at someone today! Just some random person. A few weeks back I paid for a woman behind me at a drive-thru, it wasn't much an extra $1.00 but you know what that woman was super excited! She waved and gave me the biggest smile! I felt good and I didn't do it for glory. I did it just because and not because I can just afford to do so but for the heck of it.

I bake the girls things or get them small things out of the blue and it's just because. If they were having a bad day, they're mood quickly changes! Giving a hug or a smooch randomly makes me feel good how about you?

No child or person deserves to be called names.
No child or person deserves to be treated lower then what they are~ a beautiful human being!

Writing to judge

I have been debating about this one. I guess I am unsure how to proceed. I am not an attorney. STBX's attorney seemed to get more table time when we had our last hearing. I don't feel as though they take the situation seriously! I can not get feedback or calls from the Griffith Police department regarding the Murder for Hire case, not even to say it's been closed. He has scared the Court appointed counselor, so much that she will not come to court for us. I guess many legal and court appointed officials would rather live with the guilt of not helping if we are killed.

I wrote down some key points to hit during the next hearing and pray for strength! I read back what I wrote during my blogging or from memories and I can not help but feel a sense of relief, sadness and frustration at the lack of support that our dear legal land gives to those in this situation.

I almost feel sick to my stomach again and I'm nervous. I admit anytime the weather is bad I get nervous. Why?
STBX is a construction worker and he does not usually work if the weather is bad or nasty. I continually look over my shoulder even when it's sunny but when it's bad I look more.
I live paranoid and fearful.
I heard from his Mom the other day, she wanted to know about what happened at the court hearing, he won't call her back. She went on the tell me about how he is still not really working on her basement. (Funny, she told me she was done with him back in August!) She complained about how he stopped by here or there and only did a few things, then he left after maybe an hour. She went on to add that she was sorry she missed A's birthday the weekend before and could she talk to her. My thought was she just wanted to find out what she needed and talking about missing A's birthday was a ploy to get information.
Not my problem anymore! Isn't that wonderful! And I don't care! He is not my worry! I don't have to worry about stepping on eggshells!


The kids and I went to Turkey Run last weekend.We had a blast! I hadn't been there since I was the girls ages. J commented that "Dad wouldn't have let us do this or that. And he would have complained about how you are diving Mom." Ah! The infamous complaining about my driving!

I wrote about that in a previous post. I am so loving driving around now! It is so freeing to just get up and go! Terry is a lot like me with that regard. No plans, no agenda, no time constraints just go. No yelling at me about my driving too fast, too slow, not braking soon enough, braking too soon, not making it through before the light changes to red and yelling at me or hitting me when I miss the green.

I don't miss having my head bounced off the window or getting pushed out of the car while he is driving. I don't miss hearing about what a terrible driver I am. Sorry went off on a tangent! It really is a relief and such a great feeling of independence right now! If I didn't have to worry about STBX acting on his threats~ which I totally believe he is capable of! He never forgets! Even years later he has gotten even with people that he feels have wronged him.
Day to day and one step at a time. Keep us in your prayers!

Protective Orders

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Court today...

Since he has a new atty the PO and our Final pre-trial hearing is set for Oct 3rd. AGH! We didn't get anything done, except to bring his atty up to speed on what was going on. The judge stated our case seen as an Urban legend!
I wish I was able to speak. I had bitten my tongue on several occassions because I was unsure whether the judge would let me talk or not. He raised his voice in the beginning to a tone that alerted me, as a child that had been caught with their hands in the cookie jar.

He paid me a compliment about being cooperative during the whole process toward the court and with atty's and I do as the court has asked. BIG CHEESY GRIN! His atty was told that he needs to keep his client client in check. I did call STBX's atty earlier this week to introduce myself and to provide my contact information if he needed it. He mentioned that in court and told the judge that he thought it was a pleasant thing to do. He did not feel he should take my call until he weeded through our file and after we had court.

We were not able to say anything pertaining the PO but the atty did say he is going to ask the court to dismiss and STBX wants custody of our girls! He did also mention that they can not find a GAL to take our case and even if we paid for one he does not believe there would be a remedy or that it would not lead to thousands of dollars in bills.

I AM TERRIFIED! I'm super worn out right now, but wanted to put something down to update. Thanks for the prayers and keep praying if you would be so kind.

Tomorrow is Protective Order hearing!

I'm scared about tomorrow! J had a meltdown at school today because of the thought having to see STBX again if the judge drops the case or orders supervised visits. I have to tell you I'm worried! I know he has the Atty for tomorrow but I have not gotten any paper work about him appearing for the divorce hearing.

My stomach is in knots! When will this end? When will I get to the point when I can not get all twitterpatted when I know I'm going to see him or when I randomly see him on the street.

I had gotten a call from the Domestic Relations office and they said we "Have to pay" for a GAL. We don't qualify, now excuse me if I'm not a bit confused. Last year there was nothing said about paying and now all of a sudden there is a problem. I can not afford an atty and if I could I would be paying for an atty for the divorce.

Say a prayer for us!

Survival or Personal Go Kit!

I blogged this my other blog- www.lordblessmeplz.blogspot.com, I had gotten this from my favorite guy and I was thinking this is fitting to use for anyone thinking about leaving the abusive situation they are in. You may give some thought to also checking out my Safety Plan post and think about a "Go bag" just in case as well.

Around our house we have been in survival mode. Scary to say, but nowadays this is something you should think about. Our economy is so shaky right now do you have a plan if something hits the fan? Could you live without your cell phone?
What if the ATM's or banks close?
Do you have enough canned food that you can survive on?
Can you make a fire on your own?
Can you survive a natural or man made castrophe?

Ok, I'm not talking zombies! Though the CDC has a good hand on surviving this type of attack, I have a fear of zombies. But seriously, if something natural happens or if our economy continues to spiral, we should be prepared.

It's not hard to do! I will cover this over the next few weeks here or there. So to begin...

YOUR PERSONAL GO KIT / SURVIVAL KIT

Let’s talk about National Preparedness Month. What essential items are you going to need if a major storm or some other event devastates your area? Below are listed some suggested items you should have on hand and is not meant to be all inclusive. Your personal situation will also drive what you will need to keep you going until the situation stabilizes. 

• Food for at least 2 days such as energy bars, canned meats, jerky, candy etc. The type of stuff that you like.
• Water - put at least a 12 pack in the trunk or your car.
• Flashlight & spare batteries - there may be extended power outages.
• Blankets
• Gasoline - Keep it filled.
• Money – power and telephone outages can cause ATM’s and card readers to stop working. Get some money now (possibly $ 200 or $300). Be prepared for several days of a cash only economy.
• Battery powered radio with weather band and spare batteries.
• Your medicines - if you are close to the end of a Rx get them refilled, get the over the counter products that you use; aspirin, etc.
• A change of clothes, extra socks, sturdy shoes.
• Keep your cell-phones charged.
• Have essential telephone numbers for your family, doctor, co-workers.

Be your OWN advocate!

I have learned much from this crazy Jerry Springerish saga called my life. It has changed me so much as a person.

I am stronger

I don't have to answer to anyone at the end of the day (though I still feel I have to explain myself for various things and there is no need to)

Life at home is so much more relaxed

I enjoy coming home

I enjoy Terry when he is home (Even when he is grumpy, it is a far cry from STBX!)

I learned to have fun in life

I am my own person

I can do anything I set my mind to

I can stay up late if I want to

I can eat until I am stuffed

I don't have to be a maid or slave

I am learning to just be me!

I have also learned that there is no one out in Legal Land that will be your advocate. This means I have to be my own. Terry is my cheerleader, heaven knows I feel so disheartened and down that there seems to be no help in sight through the court and police.

"I" have to make the calls
"I" have to set up appointments
"I"have to make sure dates are scheduled
"I" have to make sure the court has my court records- Oh yes they have been misplaced before which set the court date postponed again.

There is going to be a end to this craziness! I have to believe that! I also know I have to keep pushing some officials to do something about the threats against the girls and murder for hire.

STBX has hired an attorney. I'm nervous. I am unsure what his move will be. He did ask for a continuance for the Sept 15th Order of Protection court hearing. I googled his name and came up empty. All I know is that he does adoptions, divorces, and custody. The girls do not want to see him at all and how can I protect them without incurring the wrath of Legal land? I had gotten appearances for both girls Orders and even the one that M has against Terry. I know STBX wants to keep Terry out of the picture.

I've made a call to the Domestic Relations Bureau in Crown Point, hoping to find someone to be the GAL on our case. I was told off the record many know about our case and don't want the trouble. So, my children dead if he gets them is ok?!

I have not gotten anywhere with my police case. No return calls from the Griffith Police Dept at all. I am not sure if I even have a case open (Murder for Hire). I'm upset and sick to my stomach again. I was up all night due to nightmares. Oh I wonder when those will ever stop.

The effects of Family Violence with children

From the cradle our children are trusting, relying on us as parents to keep them safe from harm. To be given this privilege for this tiny human is just mind blowing to me! I feel shame and do take a lot of responsiblity for not leaving my partner sooner. They had to endure and see so much hurt, anger and grief. I consider us lucky that we did not have the heartbreak of facing sexual abuse. Though any type of abuse is heartwretching.

I can relate to this article even now. The after effects of being in that type of relationship 24/7 are even more extreme. Kids feeling the blame for the ending of the relationship, especially if the other has told them so. Feelings conflicted because they wanted out as much as Mom or Dad but now that it's a reality they feel angry or hurt. Been there myself as a 14 year old, fighting tooth and nail with my Mom but knowing going back to what she left was ridiculous and I was totally unsure why I felt that way!

Getting help or out of the relationship as quickly as you can is highly suggestible. Though you personally maybe going something terrible, think of your children witnessing it. Think of how much this effects them! Especially if the Honeymoon fades and things settle back to "normal". You are not alone with your partner in this ride. You have kids that are watching everything or hearing everything. They have a tendency to know when things are off even if they were not there to see the episode.

Please leave! If you can't do it please get help or leave for the children. And if you are the abuser please get help for your children and fo you!

Off my soap box!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From- http://www.acadv.org/children.html

Domestic violence affects every member of the family, including the children. Family violence creates a home environment where children live in constant fear.
Children who witness family violence are affected in ways similar to children who are physically abused.. They are often unable to establish nurturing bonds with either parent Children are at greater risk for abuse and neglect if they live in a violent home.
Statistics show that over 3 million children witness violence in their home each year. Those who see and hear violence in the home suffer physically and emotionally.

"Families under stress produce children under stress. If a spouse is being abused and there are children in the home, the children are affected by the abuse." (Ackerman and Pickering, 1989) Dynamics of domestic violence are unhealthy for children: control of family by one dominant member. abuse of a parent. isolation. protecting the "family secret". Children react to their environment in different ways, and reactions can vary depending on the child's gender and age.

Children exposed to family violence are more likely to develop social, emotional, psychological and or behavioral problems than those who are not. Recent research indicates that children who witness domestic violence show more anxiety, low self esteem, depression, anger and temperament problems than children who do not witness violence in the home. The trauma they experience can show up in emotional, behavioral, social and physical disturbances that effect their development and can continue into adulthood. Some potential effects: Emotional Grief for family and personal losses. Shame, guilt, and self blame. Confusion about conflicting feelings toward parents. Fear of abandonment, or expressing emotions, the unknown or personal injury. Anger. Depression and feelings of helplessness and powerlessness. Embarrassment. Behavioral Acting out or withdrawing. Aggressive or passive. Refusing to go to school. Care taking; acting as a parent substitute. Lying to avoid confrontation. Rigid defenses. Excessive attention seeking. Bedwetting and nightmares. Out of control behavior. Reduced intellectual competency. Manipulation, dependency, mood swings. Social Isolation from friends and relatives. Stormy relationships. Difficulty in trusting, especially adults. Poor anger management and problem solving skills. Excessive social involvement to avoid home. Passivity with peers or bullying. Engaged in exploitative relationships as perpetrator or victim. Physical Somatic complaints, headaches and stomachaches. Nervous, anxious, short attention span. Tired and lethargic. Frequently ill. Poor personal hygiene. Regression in development. High risk play. Self abuse

For Parents

Giving Children Love and Care

Nurturing children from abusive homes can bring healing to their lives. In giving needed love and care to children, it is important for a parent to reflect these essentials: Trust and Respect Acknowledge children's right to have their own feelings, friends, activities and opinions. Promote independence, allow for privacy and respect their feelings for the other parent. Believe in them. Provide Emotional Security Talk and act so children feel safe and comfortable expressing themselves. Be gentle. Be dependable. Provide Physical Security Provide healthy food, safe shelter and appropriate clothing. Teach personal hygiene and nutrition. Monitor safety. Maintain a family routine. Attend to wounds. Provide Discipline Be consistent; ensure that rules are appropriate to age and development of the child. Be clear about limits and expectations. Use discipline to give instruction, not to punish. Give Time Participate in your children's lives, in their activities, school, sports, special events, celebrations and friends. Include your children in your activities. Reveal who you are to your children. Encourage and Support Be affirming. Encourage children to follow their interests. Let children disagree with you. Recognize improvement. Teach new skills. Let them make mistakes. Give Affection Express verbal and physical affection. Be affectionate when your children are physically or emotionally hurt. Care for Yourself Give yourself personal time. Keep yourself healthy. Maintain friendships. Accept love.

Safety Is for Children, Too

A Child's Own Safety Plan Go here for a page where children can enter important personal information that they can print out and refer to in a crisis.

Child Victim/Witness of Domestic Violence Age-specific indicators Infants Basic need for attachment is disrupted. Routines around feeding/sleeping are disturbed. Injuries while "caught in the crossfire". Irritability or inconsolable crying. Frequent illness. Difficulty sleeping. Diarrhea. Developmental delays. Lack of responsiveness. Preschool Somatic or psychosomatic complaints. Regression. Irritability. Fearful of being alone. Extreme separation anxiety. Developmental delays. Sympathetic toward mother. Elmentary Age Vacillate between being eager to please and being hostile. Verbal about home life. Developmental delays. Externalized behavior problems. Inadequate social skill development. Gender role modeling creates conflict/confusion. Preadolescence Behavior problems become more serious. Increased internalized behavior difficulties: depression, isolation, withdrawal. Emotional difficulties: shame, fear, confusion, rage. Poor social skills. Developmental delays. Protection of mother, sees her as "weak". Guarded/secretive about family. Adolescence Internalized and externalized behavior problems can become extreme and dangerous: drug/alcohol, truancy, gangs, sexual acting out, pregnancy, runaway, suicidal. Dating relationships may reflect violence learned or witnessed in the home. From Boulder (CO) County Safehouse

Working with Children Trust is a major factor when working with children exposed to domestic violence. Children need a safe place with an adult they can trust to begin healing. When first working with a child, it is helpful to ask what makes her/him feel comfortable and uncomfortable with adults. Listen to children and provide them with space and respect. Let children know you care about them, that there are adults interested in their opinions, thoughts and ideas. Use books on the subject to help open children up. Use art, music, drama, and play to help children express themselves. Refer children to professional counselors, as needed. Connect children to organizations in the community that work with youth, as appropriate. Help children develop age-appropriate and realistic safety plans. Tell them often that someone cares From the Illinois Coalition Aginst Domestic Violence newsletter, spring 2000

Statistics Each year an estimated 3.3 million children are exposed to violence against their mothers or female caretakers by family members. (American Psychological Association, Violence and the Family: Report of the APA Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family,1996) Studies show that child abuse occurs in 30 to 60 percent of family violence cases that involve families with children. (J.L. Edleson, "The overlap between child maltreatment and woman battering." Violence Against Women, February, 1999.) A survey of 6,000 American families found that 50 percent of men who assault their wives, also abuse their children. (Pagelow, "The Forgotten Victims: Children of Domestic Violence," 1989) Research shows that 80 to 90 percent of children living in homes where there is domestic violence are aware of the violence. (Pagelow, "Effects of Domestic Violence on Children," Mediation Quarterly, 1990) A number one predictor of child abuse is woman abuse. (Stark and Flitcraft, "Women at Risk: A Feminist Perspective on Child Abuse," International Journal of Health Services, 1988) The more severe the abuse of the mother, the worse the child abuse. (Bowker, Arbitell, and McFerron, "On the Relationship Between Wife Beating and Child Abuse," Perspectives on Wife Abuse, 1988) Some 80 percent of child fatilities within the family are attributable to fathers or father surrogates. (Bergman, Larsen and Mueller, "Changing Spectrum of Serious Child Abuse," Pediatrics, 1986) In families where the mother is assaulted by the father, daughters are at risk of sexual abuse 6.51 times greater than girls in non-abusive families (Bowker, Arbitell and McFerron, 1988) A child's exposure to the father abusing the mother is the strongest risk fact for transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next (American Psychological Association, Violence and the Family: Report of the APA Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family,1996) Male children who witness the abuse of mothers by fathers are more likely to become men who batter in adulthood than those male children from homes free of violence (Rosenbaum and O'Leary, "Children: The Unintended Victims of Marital Violence," American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 1981) Older children are frequently assaulted when they intervene to defend or protect their mothers. (Hilberman and Munson, "Sixty Battered Women," Victimology: An International Journal, 1977-78) In a 36-month study of 146 children, ages 11-17 who came from homes where there was domestic violence, all sons over the age of 14 attempted to protect their mothers from attacks. Some 62 percent were injured in the process. (Roy, 1988)