Definitions of variety of abuse

Do any of these fit you?

Physical abuse- 

The abuser's physical attack or aggressive behavior can range from bruising to murder. It often begins with what is excused as trivial contacts that escalate into more frequent and serious attacks. Examples-

• hitting, slapping, punching, kicking
• burning
• strangulation
• damaging valuable/personal property or throwing objects at a victim
• refusing medical care or hiding medications belonging to a victim
• pressuring or forcing a partner to use substances (e.g. drugs, alcohol)
• use of weapons, including improvised objects (e.g. a lamp or string)

Emotional abuse- 

The abuser's psychological or mental violence can include anything that impacts the mental health and well being of their partner.

Examples:

• name calling, insults, put downs
• crazy making, blaming the victim for everything
• jealousy, unfounded accusations of cheating
• intimidation
• shaming, humiliation
• socially isolating the victim from friends and family
• getting angry if a victim does not immediately return calls
• needing to know where the victim is at all times
• following the victim without their knowledge
• stalking

Sexual abuse-

Physical attacks by the abuser is often accompanied by, or culminates in, sexual violence wherein the survivor is forced to have sexual intercourse with the abuser or take part in unwanted sexual activity.

Examples:

• forcing a partner to perform sexual acts against their will, including having sex with other people, imitate pornography
• pursuing sexual activity when the victim is not fully conscious, is not asked, or is afraid to say no
• hurting their partner physically during sex or assaulting genitals
• coercing a partner to have sex without protection against pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases

Verbal abuse-

• Calling you names and putting you down.
• Yelling and screaming at you.
• Intentionally embarrassing you in public.
• Blaming your actions for their abusive or unhealthy behavior.

Do any of these fit you? Your not alone and your not going crazy! You can find help and break free! It does take a leap of faith to get there!  Please stay strong! View my other labels on tips to create a Go Bag or suggestions on how to leave an abuser! 

God bless!

Mel

Defiled and dang angry about it!

 

I'm horrified and very angry! My child had a break through about memories from her past. I won't go into vivid details about the situations but I was taken aback, though not surprised as it is something I had suspected for many years but could never give credence to as there was no verbal mention of it.

I have no doubt about her honesty about the situations. Too many things fit. Am feeling guilty, mad and so disheartened about this! While I would love to storm over there and take matters into my own hands, this won't help her heal.

This is not the first memory she has had, but the first memory that is on this subject matter. Both of my girls clam up at discussing anything about they're father. So this is BIG!

She asked me not bring this to attorney, GAL or Police.

She is ashamed and embarrassed.

I did reassure her of my love and support, also if she ever decides to file charges I will help her however I can.

My mind is reeling! What if he is or has done this to our other children? My son that lives with him is showered with gifts, could these things be given to him to keep him quiet for sexual abuse as well? I'm distressed by these thoughts. I have no way of finding out. And my other daughter does not recall anything that happened to her. It could be she just doesn't want to or is ready to yet.

A dear friend close to me has experienced similar and was kind enough to provide a shoulder to vent. So now, I wait pray and continue to love my children that's all I can do.

Sorry to end on a somber note. Please keep my children in your prayers and for my ex to be brought to justice, whether by the Thorn of Judgement or here on earth. . .

I pray that if you know someone or think someone is experiencing any type of abuse to PLEASE get them help! Whether to be a shoulder or just an ear to listen.

God bless!

Mel

It's done!

I can't believe my pages are on here! I felt a swirling rush of emotions as I posted the last chapters. None of them had been proofread by anyone, so I apologize for any errors.

I feel a big sense of relief getting most of those haunting memories on paper. I am not done writing, I have so many other cobwebs in my mind that need cleaning out!

Thank all of those that have been on this journey with me for well over 5 years in blog land, it is much appreciated.

I pray that whatever stage you are at in your situation ,that you find peace, comfort, strength, hope and faith to keep going. Know this, it's not easy. breaking up never is.  It does not matter whether the person you are with is calling you names, raising a hand to you or what have you, abuse is abuse.

If this person is your child, parent, partner, or relative, it's never okay to abuse another.

I have mentioned how God has played a critical role in my life and even at my darkest I knew it would be okay.

Before you push the notion of a being aside that you can not see, think about this.

Can you see air around you? How can you doubt something you can not see? I can go deeper and deeper about the subject and I'm not looking to convert everyone. I would like to plant a seed in your mind about the possibility of the unseen world around you.

I don't believe in chance. I believer things and people happen or come into your life at critical times in your life. It can be a stranger, someone you have known for years or just seeing something that reminds you of a person that has passed.

Know this, you are loved unconditionally by a God that will take you as you are! Broken, tired, scared, lonely, angry or just plain in need of a friend. All you have to do is ask God to come into your heart! Confess that you are a sinner and ask for forgiveness.

Your situation may seem very BIG, but for God, this is the small stuff. Leave your burdens and worries at His feet. You have to have patience! Prayer and situations work in His time not ours. Though I know I have a reminder of myself being impatient, stomping my feet at the situation I was in, wanting what I wanted "NOW!", but knowing I had to let go and let God. (Cliche I know but so true!)

My Friend if you are reading this you or someone you know may/is in a abusive situation. Please get help! It's okay to let others know that the life you are in is scary. Now, this is where your faith comes in!

You need to know you can live the life you are dreaming about. Peace, safety, true love, normalcy.

If you need to talk about any of the topics in my blog please do not hesitate to drop me a line. I am most readily available at blessmeplz@gmail.com.

God bless and stay safe!

Treehouse Supplemental report

Supplement Report

Miranda & Dad argue

Miranda "You told me for 2 years- that if the divorce happened it would be all my fault. You put me in that hospital".

Dad "That's a lie".

Miranda "No it's not. You sent us both. Me & Nathan. He needed to be there".

Dad "No he didn't. I didn't want you there".

Miranda "You need to be there. You need a psych eval".

Dad "I don't know what your game is- what your mothers game is".

Miranda "My life would be great if you weren't in it".

Dad "You're repeating exactly what your mother says".

Miranda "No. She would tell me to be respectful".

Dad "You don't hurt me".

Miranda "So now you're a counselor & a psycho".

Dad "I did nothing to you".

Miranda "You choked me. That's bullshit".

Dad "I didn't choke you. I slapped you".

Miranda "Lie".

Dad "You went crazy and started attacking Matthew".

Miranda "All you did what sit on the couch & watch TV all day".

Miranda "You whipped Nathan with your belt so many times. Mom tried to protect him".

Dad "All I see is your mother. So it's ok for you to disrespect me".

Miranda "I'd rather be like her than you".

Dad "Mom is hurting you by keeping the negativity going".

Dad "I always tell Nathan to not talk badly about"

Miranda "Why do you or Nathan keep texting Mom in the middle of the night?"

Miranda "You ruined the first 10 years of my life".

Dad "Your Mom keeps your away from me. You can argue all you want. It doesn't hurt me".

Miranda "I hate you with a deep passion. I want to stab you right now- but I won't because I will not stoop to your level. I wish you would leave me alone. I hate you! I don't want to see you!"

Dad "I'm fighting for custody of you".

Miranda "I hate you. I thought you changed- but you didn't. Stop this visitation shit. I hate you. Get out of my life".

Zoe "Guys your kinda talking loud".

Dad "You shush!"

Miranda "NO!" and slams her hands on the table

Miranda throws her cards at dads face.

CTH security enters visit

Dad laughs when Miranda leaves

Dad "Zoe I didn't hurt you. You're my baby".

Zoe cries- Zoe asks to leave

Nathan cries.

*Mom called to pick up girls 11:23 am

The Second wife

May 2007

Kat had moved in, she was in a terrible relationship, we had met her from a swinging website. Not wanting to see her dead or worse He asked her to move in. One thing led to another and they were crazy about each other. We had talked about this in the past and I thought we put this behind us. He was getting mean again, playing with my head. Threatening to hurt me, stop taking his pills or turn off the pilot light so we would die in our sleep.

I got dressed fast; I had been in the bathroom. He shut the bedroom door where she was lying in a bed he had purchased for her so she could stay and still have privacy in our home. He yanked and pushed me up the stairs he pulled my hair back as we were walking up the stairs, he was behind me so yes this was very uncomfortable. He pulled it so hard I swore I must have lost chunks of hair. He guided me to the bedroom and once we were there he ordered me to drop my pants.

I was going to get screwed since that was all I was good for. I told him no! He got mad! He grabbed me and shoved my face into the bed, I thought I was going to suffocate! I told him no again and he got madder he shoved some things around the room and left. I stood there for a minute breathless not wanting to move or to cry.

Luckily he only ripped my shirt, I was used to that, I would go through clothing like a growing child. I was nervous because I stood up to him and didn't know his reaction. I tried to act normal but 

Kat knew something had happened.

The kids thought that their father was nice only when she and her girls were around. Our son thought his Dad was a pervert. And he reminded me that his Dad had promised not to hurt me or yell at me anymore. He broke that promise in just a few short weeks.

I was losing my hair (besides the hair getting pulled out), my nails were breaking, and I wasn't feeling good at all. Despite the constant exercise and dieting I felt so worn down and tired all the time.

We talked and he didn't want to lose her, he was in love with her. He did apologize for pulling my hair and ruining another shirt. If I were a good wife why does he need another?

I felt like a failure for not being able to still make things work. I was feeling as though despite the ongoing issues that I was not living up to the vows I had said. It didn't matter that I had lost any type of feelings for him. He said he stumbled and could I please lift him up? We talked more and more.

Kat had left and she didn't come back to the house, Will had left many voice mail messages. Kat said she turned off her phone while she was at her Moms. Later that night I asked him to hold me, he tried but said it was better and more natural when he held her.  My heart felt ripped out. He hoped she would come home.

He asked if there was someone I would like to date. Did I wish to have another man that was OK, considering he had been having others?

This idea was his way to relieve himself of any guilt and to justify his behavior. There was a few guys at work he would ask if I wanted was interested.

I felt devastated, even though I was struggling to rekindle my love for him. I believed this was wrong. I voiced my opposition to this, he would call me jealous. How could this be? 

Two partners a lifelong commitment. Not Adam, Eve and Jennifer or Adam, Eve, Jennifer and Mike, etc. . . 

I asked him to give me time to adjust, I'm having a hard time watch some lady screw my husband, and heaven forbid I leave the room. I kept my eyes closed and just felt my love fade. How could you do that to someone?

I feel fat, like the ugly stepsister, this felt even more wrong. I was more confused.

He keeps bragging about how pretty she is and how I have so many marks on my body. So many things wrong with my appearance. I don't feel like I have anything to offer.

I never make the first move.

I never initiate sex.

I suddenly felt like there was a scoreboard. He calls her all the time... He used to call me. Now he calls and asks to talk to her.

In a sick twisted way I did like to have her around, he's nice when she's here. He doesn't yell or say mean things because he's trying to impress her. The weekend rolled around and his other fiance had went to her parents’ home for a few days.

This left me alone with him. I had figured I would drown my worries in a few wine coolers. I don’t drink that often, so it is not surprising that I am totally wobbly after two of them. His boss had called up to let him know about work for the next day.

When I answered the phone and must have sounded weird, I was chatting too way too much for his liking. He glared at me and gestured to punch me. I quickly handed him the phone while retreating as quick as I could away from arm’s length.

Afterward he said I laughing too much while sounding like an alcoholic on the phone.

It was very rare when I would drink anything at all. He threw his arm back to punch me and that sobered me up really fast.  He's not healed he says a lot of things but he doesn't mean them. I'm the bitch and the one causing problems. This of course was not unusual. It is rare that an abuser takes responsibility or can take things lightly.

A few days later, Kat called him to say that she was going to stay longer at her Mom’s home. Did I mention that she was still in that terrible relationship? I ended up having to “stake out” her boyfriend’s home to see what I could find out. Her car was there.

I phone to let him know the status. I didn't want to be here. This was stupid! I was disappointed to find her car there as I was still hoping in some twisted way that they could get together. After many more issues of me and the kids leaving some other Springer moments, they parted ways, but this was not the last time they had gotten together.

Spreading your wings. . .

You maybe scratching your head wondering how to gain the courage to leave your abusive situation. Thinking about your future is barely on your mind. Thoughts about just living day to day were things that I thought of after leaving my abuser.

I allowed myself daydreams from time to time. Relishing the thought of being free of any haunting nightmares, stalking or any contact with my ex.

I would envision myself a year from where I was. I thought of finding "normal". Finding a place that I would feel safe. I created a vision board filled with images, words and phrases that made me feel empowered, happy and even a bit adventurous!

Some of the images and words were simple:
Create, Dream, Envision, flowers, shiny things, Love, country type of pictures and other things that spoke to me.

I looked at it daily. I said Positive Affirmations. I continued to let myself daydream and I made a Bucket List, which included far out kind of stuff, like baking cookies, learning how to play chess, going different places (You can find my list in the Label section).

I took a break for me. I needed a breather! I read my Bible, continued to pray and at one point in my journey I forgave my abuser. That doesn't make the hurt go away but Lord, was that freeing! I felt as thought a weight was off my shoulders! I read some self help books. I allowed myself time to cry, usually when the kids were at school.

After leaving an abusive situation, everyone needs to re-learn how to live. Kids need to learn to play and imagine. Many times kids of abuse may take on a "parental role" or act grown up, and the act of playing can be hard for them. I mentioned it before in earlier blog posts about how kids can act out or symptoms of PTSD/Depression can appear months or years after leaving an abuser.

Here we are 5 years later. I looked back at earlier blog posts, I felt the hurts and anger from that earlier time. I feel I learned a bunch about the legal system, myself and kids. I had to learn to "Love me". I hated myself for a time. I didn't like who I was in the mirror.  Habits developed over time from living with my abuser are still ghosts of my past that I am working to change. Such as, following behind my husband, Terry, I can walk at his side. I can voice my opinion or distaste. I can even leave the toilet paper roll hanging with the paper in the back of the roll rather then with the sheets on top. Know what I mean?

I haven't dusted in over a month. I still haven't balanced my check book since leaving my ex, I keep a tally in my head and I'm very frugal with my money!

I can go on and on! I spread my wings and am flapping, getting ready to soar! I have some things in the works that I'm super excited about. I have finished my book and hope to publish in the next few weeks! This will also include surrendering and taking a leap of faith that will take myself, Terry and kids on an amazing journey within the next few months or years.

Prayers for you Dear Blog reader in whatever stage of life you are at. If you are currently in a dangerous situation, please get help! You maybe thinking, "It's not that bad" or "Name calling is all it is".

Abuse is abuse no matter what form it is. You deserve better! It doesn't matter if you male, female, child, teen, elderly or what have you. No one deserves to be abused. Contact local police, or reach out to the National Hotline for abuse or let a trusted friend/relative/teacher know.

Stay safe and God bless!
Mel

Life after abuse

From time to time I view other blogs and websites about abuse. I find it hard not to feel sucked into darkness of my life about my past.

The past does not define you. Your past makes who you are now. Getting wrapped up in writing my book brings back to what was a surreal life there once was. The craziness of living with someone that is abusive.

I could ramble on a list of mental illness labels to call him, Narcissist, Gaslighter, Borderline, blah, blah, blah. . .

He was abusive. That's it. No special label needed.

God has this wonderful choice of Freewill. He knows between good and bad. He chose his moods and his actions most times before he walked in the door from a day at work. The experiences one goes through is amazingly similar. That's what gets me. No matter whose story or book about they're experiences with an abuser, the story is almost the same.

Paste your face here.

It's almost annoying and scary at how similar in the situations we are. I have discussed this with others that are victims or survivors about the "Playbook" that all abusers seem to use.

No matter what point in your journey you are in, please know you are walking a path from many other survivors and victims have walked before you. There are those that wish to keep silent and stay in the relationship of abuse and they feel as though there is no hope. Then there are those such as  very strong people- Leslie, Kristy, and Joanie. You may not know who they are, but they have made profound impact on me. They have reached out for friendship, sharing they're stories privately about what they endured in past relationship. I am in awe of the strength, the grace and brushing off the shadows of abuse and they are each putting a face on abuse.

Kristy is a well renown Author, life coach and Medium- www.tangledwishes.com .

Leslie and Joanie are two women that have left very abusive relationships after years of suffering in silence from abuse. There are several more that have contacted me over the years, looking for advice for son's, daughters, in-laws, parents or even co-workers.

Dear Blog reader, your not alone! Your experiences whether they are verbal, sexual, mental or physical are real!

I can't tell you how or when to leave. You will just know. There will come a time when enough is enough. No amount of pleading from others involved will get a victim to leave the abuse. Sad to say something may have to happen to the victim or someone close to her or him, in order for that person to leave.

A wake up call.

Where your abuser has a choice to victimize, you also have a choice to stay a victim.

You can have a really good life, but you need to have faith and believe. Does it take time to heal? Yes! Even after 5 years there are still bumps and little glitches that I need to contend with, whether it is a nightmare, anxiety attack or just a reaction that is programmed from my past.

April is Child Abuse awareness month. If you or someone you know is a victim of abuse please get help! Or listen, be a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen.

Stay safe Dear Reader!

BIG HUGS!
Mel