Text messages and my STBX

I emailed him a month ago stating that I did not want to have any correspondence that is in text message form. So what does he do? He continues to text me. Claiming he can reach me anyway he wants.

So get this, his Mom calls, says that STBX says he wants to see the girls Sunday is his weekend.
(He walked out of our calendar meeting so we never formally set up a schedule). His Mom also states that she wants them for 6 hours. I am to drop them off at 1 or before and pick them up at 6. I was not surprised. She was quick and abrupt with me. I told her no we are out of town. She said is that your answer? I said yes. So later that evening I receive messages from STBX saying that I am to drop off the girls if I don't he will go to the district attorney on Monday and file a report about this. So he then demands I bring them over. He later sends several messages that talk about us not at home and getting the girls to bed early. Something more about my Son having to live with the same rules regarding the same bedtime rules (9:00 cool down and 9:30 bedtime) Which even though it is summer and we are away I am still keeping that! 

And he ends with a "Have a great night" What the heck?!

Control

He no longer has any with me. This irks the hell out of him. He will use any means or reason to get even with me. Even of course if it means lying about situations and incidents.

I just want closure...

Update on the seemingly never ending divorce

Well! Our newest GAL has declined, our last GAL that we never talked to declined because she knows Terry. Understandble! The new GAL is having a baby soon and she did not believe she can devote as much attention as she could because of her condition. So she is declining.

I'm at a loss of words for this situation, but I know there are many divorces that take time. I'm so impatient! I want it to end! I dislike seeing STBX writing words of love and tenderness. As well as his now infamous signing of "Your loving husband" in his notes. Or "Melinda my love" as his email addy states.

I have repeatedly told him we are over but he continues to live in the realm of fantasy, where I am coming back to him. Of course this is once I get my head out of my ass and come to my senses. He is willing to forgive me as well as taking the baby as his own. The man is sick! He then will write or say how stupid I am or some other mean, hateful words to further try to get his point across that he is a changed man. Ah! But this is the Gaslighter, Narcissis, Psychopath, Borderline personality disorder, Intermittent Explosive disorder, Abuser or whatever you want to call him.

My Order of Protection is up at the end of August. Call me paranoid or just worried but I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. I'm not thrilled by the idea that someday the girls will have no supervision with visits.

I wish I could find help on the divorce. But lack of money and once Atty's find out about crazy man, I get no thank you's. SIGH!

I look back at old posts are realize we have all come so far! I wish my son would have stayed. I believe that his seizures and other health issues are because of  the anxiety of living with that man. He gets the brunt of his Dad with no one to help him stay safe. I can't say for sure but that is my feeling. I do wish for a time when we can all reacquaint and come to be a Son and Mother relationship again. I know that is sometime down the road but I hold out hope and faith for that time.

Violence is an EXCLUSIVE GROUP and CLUB!

 Join the most secretive group around!

No fee's!

Membership is exclusive!

What's the catch you ask?!

Why it will cost you:

Your dignity

Your self esteem

Your self worth

Friends

Family

A pattern of violence (physical, mental, emotional) for your children

PTSD
And the possibility of losing your life

Sound like something you want to join?

Many men, women and children didn't ask to become a member. They suffer in silence, enduring harsh situations and wishing for an end.

Sadly many have become long term members of violence only to then hang their pictures in the wall of lost hope and untimely death.

Christian Choate-
 http://www.ky3.com/news/ktla-christian-choate-boy-in-cage,0,1122385.story

Josh Hilberling-
http://www.whas11.com/news/national/Man-dies-in-alleged-spousal-abuse-case-123830944.html






http://askville.amazon.com/Charlotte-woman-dies-domestic-violence-case/AnswerViewer.do?requestId=66656848

http://www.wmctv.com/story/15137364/domestic-violence-suspect-shoots-at-police

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/04/mom-drives-minivan-into-hudson-river-drowning-herself-and-3-kids-/1

http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/ktla-mom-kills-baby-in-microwave,0,3035847.story

These are just a few stories in the mix of thousands that have occured over the years. Many popular stories are those of the now infamous Casey Anthony, Andrea Yates, Scott Peterson and Drew Peterson.

The stories are horrifying, true and so unimaginable. I'm disgusted and appalled by the lack of reason and lack of justice for the victims of these senseless crimes. Yet many are continually subjected to suffer in silence daily. The stories above are extreme and horrible. But sadly to say these are the times we live in. Where is the humanity? Where is the justice for these victims?

This is an exclusive club which at times is glamorized by Hollywood cashing in on tragic circumstances when it happens to one of them. Oh sure it's nice that it's brought to our attention but when those 5 mins of noterity fade we are once again left with countless victims afraid to speak out before it's too late.

No you don't have to be beaten, raped or killed in order to suffer from Domestic violence. Words hurt as much as a fist. You can easily cut someone to pieces with a few mere words and say them over and over to the victim they believe them.Victims of verbal abuse can be led to think they are crazy, stupid, dumb, useless, etc... Assaulting with words can drive a person mad enough to take they're lives or the lives of others.

Still want to join the club? Or just to be a supporter by watching or standing by while someone suffers in silence? Please get help for someone that is a victim of violence! You maybe the only hope they have left. In many cases you can file a report without having to leave your name.

And if you are a victim, get out and leave as soon as you can before it's too late...
National Domestic Violence Hotline- http://www.thehotline.org/   800-799-SAFE

There is hope.

No excuses! There are shelters and organizations to help you if you are a victim! Don't be a statistic and don't wait until it's too late.

God bless and stay safe!

Why can't you get your Narcissist out of your mind?

I do not endorse any ebooks on the subject of Domestic violence or anything of the sort. I have found in my own opinion that most ebooks are short, vague or just gloss over the topic. Not living up to the hype of the reviews. So please do some research on your own before spending any $$$ on these things. Or seek out a local licensed professional that can help you work on your journey. Joining a support group either in person or in an online community is also something to think about!
Taken from a recent email from Ann Bradley
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"He won't leave my thoughts. I am always thinking about him. I can't go on like this."

"He is still vicious. I need help. I'm losing my mind."

These are the types of things people tell me even after they have left or have decided to leave a toxic relationship. Narcissists leave chaos wherever they go:  panic, anxiety attacks, fear, a sense of dread or helplessness are the gifts they give.  Not many understand what you have been through and it can be lonely journey you are on.

Maybe he or she really is physically gone.  But you are left with the remains of a shattered life or someone who won't stop stalking you emotionally.  He - or she - continues to call, email and remind you how useless and no good you are.  And you think about this constantly - over and over your mind is filled with thoughts of what  has been done to you. This is rumination. Think of the thoughts as planes circling an airport. Then, remember this: "It's time to land those planes."

CHANGE IS IN YOUR POWER

Your narcissist will not change but you can.  It may take a while, but he does not have to take up space in your head.  Imagine you have teflon clothes. Put them on and let the abuse bounce off you. Grab  the pain before it strikes: "Oh, here comes lies and accusations from him.  I can handle it if I can see it and boy, do I see it."  This is not something you say to the one bothering you; this is something you say to yourself. This is self talk for self preservation. Choose your words carefully.

Self talk is your way out of the chaos and hurt. You've been through trauma and you need to do what you need to do to heal. Label the abuse - it defuses its strength. But remember: don't engage in a fight even as you get stronger. This will set things back.
This is a quote from Linda Martinez-Lewi Ph.D. -

"Narcissists become particularly shameless during a divorce. They accuse the other spouse of neglecting the children when the reverse is true. They hide their assets long before the formal divorce proceedings begin. They lie about their net worth so they don't have to part with alimony or child support. Some narcissists, both male and female, abandon their families all together and start new lives with more attractive, adoring and compliant partners. Leaving the previous spouse and children in a state of financial and psychological chaos is of no consequence to them. Many narcissists repeat these egregious patterns of behavior throughout their lives without shame or regret."

Many, many of you have been through this and are hurting. Some of you are hurt in other ways.

Ann Bradley

narcissisticabuse.com

Positive Affirmations for Victims 2

I am safe

I believe in myself

I can trust others

I can trust me

I am free to be myself

I am worthy of love

I am fit and healthy

I am confident

I am loved

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These words a few years ago would be meaningless or meant for someone else. They could not be for me. I'm the fat, stupid, dumb ass that was not worth a *hit.
I was the one that couldn't do anything right.
I was the one that seemed clumsy and was getting hurt all the time
I was the one that acted like everything was fine
I was the one that couldn't look at myself in the mirror
I was the one who cried myself to sleep alot
I was the one that slept with a knife under my side of the bed just in case
I was the one who had marks on her throat from where she was choked
I was the one that was losing her hair in patches because of the hair pulling and nerves
I was the one that felt embarassed
I was the one that felt all alone

I know now that I wasn't the one to blame! I am worthy of so much love, happiness and joy! It is taking a long process to get this deprogrammed from my head. The feeling of insecurity and fear.

I know I am a beautiful person both in and out!
I am fitter everyday!
I am smart
I learn something new about me everyday!
I am learning to do things I enjoy doing
I am loved
I have family and friends that support me
I can just get up dance and sing at the top of my lungs for any random reason because I can!
I can achieve anything I put my mind to!
Everything I need is provided
I have found a farm house that is lovely! A big yard, porch with a swing, garden, garage, 5 bedrooms, lots of space for all of us and our collections of vintage and antique finds!
I find a job I love that allows me to spend time with the kids when I need to and pays me wonderfully!

What will your list look like? Plan for the rest of the year! Start a Bucket List! Do something you always wanted to do! Create joy and a meaningful life for yourself. Don't wait for good things or good times to come to you, create the life you want! Pray and remember God wishes for us to be happy and joyful! He will provide for our needs. I recall crying to God about this but realize I have to work for it, He is not going to throw these things on my lap. It takes patience, thoughtfulness and continued prayer.

Be blessed and feel free to drop me a line if you need to talk to someone about your situation.

Vulenerabliities

Vulnerabilities
Look at these seven areas of personal vulnerability? Think honestly about whether your vulnerabilities could be any of the following:

• The need for approval (you are very sensitive to criticism and the good opinions of others, you feel the need to keep others happy).
• The need to be loved (you feel happiest when others approve and love you, without it you feel worthless and rejected, if someone you like doesn’t like you, you feel unlovable).
• The need to succeed (you feel you must be outstanding in one area at least, you feel inferior and a failure if you do not succeed).
• The need to be perfect (if it can’t be done excellently, then there is no point in doing it at all, falling short of perfection is pathetic and B (even C) grade, making a mistake is devastating.
• The sense of feeling deserving (if you can’t get what you are entitled to, then it’s not fair, it’s unjust, unreasonable and frustrating; if you are kind and thoughtful then others should be kind back).
• The sense of being able to influence all things (if something happens, somebody gets upset then it is your fault and you are responsible).
• The sense that happiness is contingent upon external things (you feel you have no control over your emotions, your feelings, that happiness is dependent on external factors).

Early warning signs of an abusive personality

From: http://www.facebook.com/groups/MelanieToniaEvans

Early Warning Signs of an abusive personality

(Although emotional abuse is most difficult to detect, physical and sexual abuse is often well disguised and also difficult to detect. Abuse is secretive, furtive, stealthy, hidden, explainable, covert, subtle, crafty, well orchestrated, strategic)

You don't need to be black and blue to be abused. Emotional abuse is stealthy. Often times the abuser will never directly abuse you, they will abuse your children, animals or friends. When they do turn their bullying on you they will pick on something small, something petty. This will all be hidden and explained away, there is always an explanation for their endless pettiness. And you will always be "overreacting" or "sensitive". Discounting your feelings and minimizing their behavior keeps you off balance.

When you are finally able to leave your bully, please be prepared. They will not let you go without a fight for your sanity or even your life. During the relationship, the abuser will try to hook you by making you dependent on him.

Verbal abuse doesn't have to be "bad". Many abusers extol their mates often disguising anger as concern and praise as love.
Remember you only ever need to know one fact, if you are SCARED you are being ABUSED.

**Many of the early warning signs listed on most websites are actually late stage warning signs.
If you have an inexplicable feeling of danger, run fast, fear does not need evidence. The list below goes over some of the early warning signs of abuse. However, most of the early warning signs are very difficult to detect. Abusers and bullies have developed their tactics over years and have honed their craft.**

(Abusers do not have to exhibit all of these signs but if they exhibit more than one of these, they are abusers. Although domestic abuse often escalates, it does not have to follow what many consider to be a typical progression. They can go from “minor verbal assault” to full out physical abuse within a short period of time or even pause for years without resorting to physical abuse. Sometimes physical abuse or any other abuse doesn’t start until you’ve been trapped by marriage or children. Often times violence begins when they feel they are losing control.)

Here are some of the early warning signs of a stealth bully:

1.They usually make the rules in the relationship, where you go, who spends money.
2.They push boundaries little by little. You have less privacy or free will as time goes on.
3.They’re always right and you’re always wrong; their sense of entitlement means that you’re too sensitive. If they tell you that you overreact or you blow things out of proportion, you are being abused.
4.They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, putdowns, blame and guilt. Even minor name calling such as goofy or stubborn are big red flags.
5.You’re afraid you’ll trigger a mood. Mood swings that go from angry, rageful, affectionate, to apologetic.
6.You’re told you would be alone without them or that they are the only person in the world that cares as much as they do. This is the beginning stage of isolation.
7.Social isolation. They will slowly cut you off from friends and family. They will always have something bad to say about your friends and they will not allow you to do nice things for them.
8. Pettiness. This is a form of disguised brow beating. Subtly criticize minor things like leaving a light on.
9. Superiority. He indicates that he is smarter, in general better than other people. He may even believe his possessions such as his woman, pets and material belongings are better than everyone.
10. Jealousy. He may stand and stare at any man that looks or talks to you.
11. He suggests: setting up a bank account in his name, getting married and having children within six months of dating. Everything is in his name.
12.Treating you like a sexual object, constantly touching you during inappropriate times even while sleeping.
13.Degrading views on women. They make negative comments about women, their mother and previous girlfriends. Always blames past girlfriends. They tend to be dumped by girlfriends first.
14. Possessive. They may make a surprise visit to your home or work. Check up on you even if you live together. Call, email, text frequently.
15. Infrequent anger or rage. They are often calm after an episode.
16. Asks a lot of questions. Relentless questioning. Interrogative.
17. You are always on their dime and their schedule. They are always acting in "your best interest". They claim any harm they do is to "protect you".
18. They may never hit you directly, they may throw objects at you, hit walls, grab things away from you, stomp, intimidating body language, break things, keep you from leaving, grab you, etc.
19. Gas lighting. Behaves or acts like they did nothing. Claims to not have said or did something, even immediately after saying or doing something. May hide or move objects then blame you.
20. They often fail to follow through on promises. They always have a "surprise" in store for you such as a gift or vacation.
21. They are demanding, you have to accommodate their every whim. They take up all of your time and energy. You feel tired all the time.
22. They remind you of their sacrifices.
23. He will often need "help" when doing an undesirable task. Generally, you are left to do these tasks by yourself.
24. Their actions and words don't add up. They will push you off a cliff and then run to catch you.
25. Crazy-making. They manipulate you, keep you on edge to the point where you feel like you are going crazy. You start exhibiting depression, unusual behavior, etc. This is all the proof your monster needs to blame you for his abuse.
26. Some abusers are unable to laugh at themselves or see humor in frustrating circumstances. Rigid, inflexible.
27. Guilt trip. They will refuse to go anywhere without you, even if it is an extreme burden to you.
28. Animal cruelty, call animals names, neglects them, scares them.
29. They will tell you that you are using them or you’re taking advantage of them.
30. You feel like you can't trust them, you are scared for no reason.
31. Your children or animals begin to behave differently.
32. Grandiosity. They buy things they can't afford. They always have the latest gadget. They may claim to know people in high places.
33. They may get into physical fights or relish violence.
34. They get frustrated very easily and have trouble coping with normal daily stresses.
35. Often times they enjoy chaotic circumstances. They may even seem to enjoy it when people cry. Seems to lack empathy.
36. They will talk about themselves often. If you have a story, they have a better one.
37. They rarely seem to take responsibility for their actions or mistakes, it is always someone else fault.
38. They might hint that they have been in fights before or their ex girlfriend enjoyed rough sex.
39. You may notice a strange family dynamic; there is almost always a family history of mental problems.
40. You may notice that he always wants to talk while you are trying to sleep or wakes you up at night for to say I love you or any “innocent” reason. This is a form of denial of basic physical needs.
41. He comes on to you after you say no to sex or is "playful" during sex. He may not wait for you to be fully ready resulting in painful intercourse. Does not engage in foreplay. Is often too “passionate”.
42. Bottles up emotions. Unable to identify emotions. Claims he is concerned when he is angry.
43. You feel irritated or bugged by his presence for no reason. Even when he is apparently being “kind”.
44. You feel off balance, like the wind has been knocked out of you, the rug pulled from under your feet.
45. Your dreams and expectations go unfulfilled.
46. You want to run as fast as you can but you feel paralyzed.
47. You are bewildered all the time but you don’t know what the problem is.
48. Feeling like something is wrong, the little things that are odd, but they are easily forgotten and not a big deal.
49. You feel like you’re being pushed around, they’re bossy.
50. You’re always caught off guard; they surprise you or shock you.
51. He sends you mixed messages. His words and emotions don’t seem to correspond with each other. When you question that, he tells you that you have no faith in him or he makes you take some or all of the responsibility.
52. They pretend to be hurt when you express your feelings. Even telling you that hey are hurt that you would be upset at them for something they did that was not intentional.
53. They play with or collect weapons.
55.They are "very generous" beware their generosity is very expensive.
56. Intimidating body language.
57. They are easily hurt. You feel guilty if you express disappointment. So you begin to comply with them to avoid tension.
58.They are very generous, beware they’re generosity is expensive. This is called loan sharking.
59. They disclose intimate details of their life or their past, quickly in the relationship in order to create closer bonds or “test the waters’. Shares inappropriate information.
60. He pressure’s you to go to couples counseling. Because “we share the responsibility”.
61. He calls you a victim.
62. Makes statements like, you’re too good for me, you can do better. This is an attempt to garner sympathy.
63. The way they treat service personnel or those in lower social standing.
64. Sulks often especially when they do not get their way. A form of passive aggressive behavior.
65. Very serious, aggressive, arrogant or threatening body language, poise, afect, facial expressions, eyes, mannerisms, conduct.
66. May not appreciate your opinions, emotions or thoughts.
67. His control may at first appear to be impassioned and loving but transforms into needy and clingy. May not go places without you, claims to love being with you all the time.
68. May suggest you are interested in other men, accuses you of cheating.
69. Abuse by proxy, tells your friends and family that you are unstable. Challenges you in court, uses the law.
70. You notice small changes in yourself. You lose interest in things that mattered, you may get sick, weight changes, health problems, mental health problems, etc.
71. Never accepts responsibility for anything, ever. The world always owes them.