Green flags to be thankful for in a relationship

No relationship is perfect but there are some things to keep an eye out for when starting or thinking about a current relationship you are in this could be with an intimate partner, family member, friend, or co-worker.

1. This person takes responsibility for their own actions.

2. Support things you want to do or pursue.

3. Practice self-care.

4. Are reflective on their life or situations.

5. They have long-standing healthy friendships.

6. Empathy towards others.

7. You can be vulnerable around this person or they are vulnerable.

8. They are spiritual and don't mock your spirituality.

9. Self-sufficient- They can take care of themselves, appointments, and needs.

10. Communicate openly with no judgment.

11. Has hobbies and is encouraging for you to pursue your own or to join in with their interests.

12. Respects and honors your boundaries.

13. Are affectionate with you.

14. Takes interests in the thing you like to do.

15. Supportive and positive about you even when you aren't feeling that way.

16. Has a great sense of humor and can laugh at themselves. They don't put you down.

17. Can help out financially if they need to with no strings or without being asked.

18. A good listener and communicator.

19. Has fun!

20. Accepts your past without being critical.

21. Doesn't compare you to others.

22. Respects your need for alone time.

23. Allows and encourages you to have a career.

24. Respects your children.

25. Knows they aren't the center of the universe.

26. They are mature.

27. They have confidence in themselves without being cocky.

28. Fits in no matter what the situation or environment they are in.

29. Admit when they make mistakes.

30. Shares in chores or tasks around the house.

31. Enjoys quiet time and encourages you to do the same.

32. Willing to deal with the ups and downs in a relationship.

I hope these help you evaluate a questionable relationship you have or maybe even to evaluate "YOUR" behavior in relationships. If you or someone you know is in a toxic relationship there is hope and help. Message me privately for info on services in your area. I have a private FB group for women only that are victims/Survivors of abuse and it can be found here- Hope when there was none group.

Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!

Mel

Red flags you should look for in any relationship

Are there warning signs you should be on the lookout for in a relationship? You betcha! Here are a few to keep watch for! This applies to any type of relationship! Not just with an intimate partner. Honestly, I wish I would have known these were a thing. What I know now... I'm sure you feel the same way! So here are some things to look out for. 

1) Is there a history of violence?

2) May have a mysterious reason why they don't like people.

3) Wants to get serious real quick.

4) Is this person overly possessive and jealous?

5) Begins isolating you from family and friends.

6) Doesn't listen to you or your opinions.

7) Bossy and inconsiderate.

8) Dictates where you go, what you wear, and what you enjoy.

9) Monitors your calls, texts, and/or social media.

10) Blames you for all their issues even if you had no part in whatever the situation.

11) Puts on a display of affection and caring for others but behind closed doors talks poorly about them behind their back.

12) Makes fun of you.

13) Manipulative.

14) Ignores your boundaries.

15) Doesn't include you with friends or family outings or gatherings.

Of course, the HUGE red flag is if the person uses intimidation, threats, demeans you, or violence against you.

These are just some of the red flags that are out there. I've included the video that you can also listen to. If you need to talk don't hesitate to message me or find me on FB at https://www.facebook.com/melinda.kunst.58. Stay safe! 

BIG HUGS!

Mel

Part 2 Tips for coping with loneliness after a toxic relationship

I'm back to share some other ideas for beating loneliness. 

Reach out to support groups in your local area- shelters or church groups. These don't necessarily need to be related to abuse recovery. If you can't get out to do so find a group virtually!

What are hobbies that you enjoyed in the past? What are things you like to do or have always wanted to do? What were you not allowed to do in the past?

Can you have a pet at your new residence? Pets can give you unconditional love, fill a void when you feel lonely, and be a good companion!

Have you thought about writing your story? Now is a good time to write that story, write a letter to that toxic person, or at least get past experiences on paper for legal purposes but also to help you heal. What have you been holding onto? What are your fears? List the good, the bad, and ugly. Don't judge yourself. Just write! If you are typing this out I know it's tempting to hit the delete button but don't! I encourage you to handwrite your thoughts. 

If you don't wish to keep these writings down burn them! Burning these can be very therapeutic. Burn this letter in a fire-safe vessel or in a safe place.

Remember your past, those negative emotions/thoughts of sadness, bitterness, anger, fear no longer serve you. Whatever is deep within you let it come out. Any feelings that bubble up during this time allow them to come. Acknowledge them and let them go. You can read this letter aloud or say a prayer releasing the past, the energy, or the situation. Don't keep the ashes allow them to go into the garden or the garbage (after they have cooled down!). Ask God to heal this situation and to bring light out of the darkness. You can repeat this whenever you feel the need.

Anytime you feel stressed out or panicky bring yourself to the present. This is your new beginning.

When things are going wrong- Shift! Trade those negative vibe thoughts with positive thoughts. Easier said than it's done but taking your power back can make you feel wonderful. Ditching the past is setting you free. It's freeing to cut that experience or person away from you.

Put the brakes on the news (even social media), negative or sad movies/songs. Watch or listen to positive and empowering things.

Will everything is rainbows and glitter? No, it may be a challenge but keep going up that hill. I know you can do it!

Part 1 Tips to cope with being alone after a toxic relationship

It has been ages since I've posted! I'm sorry! I haven't forgotten about you! I have jumped into vlogging and haven't come by here in a while. I have a bunch of things that I will be sharing over the next few weeks or so to catch up! You can find the video here- facebook.com/hopewhentherewasnone.

A tough topic for many victims and Survivors is loneliness. 

First off, it is very brave of you to stay alone right now! I'm proud of you! This is a time of being on an emotional roller coaster filled with drama. You may feel like tapping out or giving up. Please don't! Consider talking to a counselor or therapist. This can be a dark time and talking with a professional or trusted 3^rd party can help.

One of the most common experience among victims and Survivors of a toxic relationship is feeling lonely. Personally, I can totally understand! This is a critical time when many jump back into the relationship or start a new relationship before addressing the junk from the past.

It isn't uncommon for this new super loving person to end up being abusive as well leaving you feeling like you are a failure in love or all you attract are losers, no one will ever want me or you may wonder what's wrong with, “ME?!”

If you miss your abuser you are not a weirdo. Even if this person caused you physical pain you loved this person. There were some good times and comfort. You may have been with this person for months, years, or decades, and know that it's okay to grieve. There is no shame in longing for this person back. You knew what to expect, it's familiar and in some ways not as scary as starting over.

After you leave you may notice different physical symptoms- Anxiety, depression, mood swings, nightmares, bedwetting, panic attacks, insomnia, and more. These are probably not “new” symptoms you may have not given these things much thought before. You may not have had a chance to really “feel” your own emotions. You may have had to hide these or brushed them off. Now they seem like flashing lights going haywire. Signs PTSD after a toxic relationship happens often!

Remember, we are no longer living in the past. The past now part of our memories and you are safe. That trauma is no longer happening to you. You are free even if you don't feel like you are.

Right now is the time for growth!

Being alone gives you space and time to rediscover or get to know yourself. Learning to reprogram your mindset, past hurts, figuring out likes, dislikes, dreams, and goals.

I know you may not feel like doing this and honestly, I have no clue about what you experienced. I can tell you that giving yourself the gift of time to begin a new journey will be healing for you.

Start creating boundaries, journaling, create a ritual for you such as rising early to read your Bible, pray, exercise, or creating a positive routine. Do something that gives you a positive feeling. This can be for 5 minutes, a half-hour, or longer! Don't hesitate to find time throughout the day to do something to recharge your spirit. 

What is something that you have done to help you on your healing journey? I'll be back tomorrow with more suggestions. Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!

Mel

What is abuse? Read more to find out!

Abuse defined can mean many things, e.g.:

1) Abuse of power
2) Substance abuse
3) Physical
4) Mental
5) Verbal
6) Sexual
7) Religion
8) Financial
9) Cyber

If you talk to or listen to experts on the subject, you will find there is an escalation of these. People from every gender, age, and ethnic background are affected. There are states and countries with various organizations or out-reach campaigns promoting awareness and services.

However, many thousands remain silently victimized ashamed, afraid, and unwilling to come forward to share their story due to fear of retaliation, disbelief, or support of the legal system, family and friends.

Making a radical change is a start but how does one begin? How does one make that leap to talk?

Perhaps you have not been directly affected by abuse have you ever wondered how you can help?

Supporting all involved is an excellent start. Writing to your local government officials to begin to make a change with legislature to help victims, start programs to educate those that are abusers, or revamping the current programs.

See what support your local community does to promote activities for those in need, such as fundraisers or events.

Share stories from victims and Survivors. Donate your time and talents to your local shelter. Consider donating items that are desperately needed for both the guests and shelter.

Pray and listen to victims, Survivors, and even the abusers. Empathy for the abuser sounds odd I’m sure. There is a cycle of abuse that began at some point in that person’s life, triggered by substance abuse, a medical condition, or being victimized. This doesn’t give an excuse for the behavior or justify it. It can help find help and break the chain of abuse.

Finding an end to abuse is the goal of ending many senseless murders, assaults, and injuries. We are still a long way from meeting this goal but it starts with each one of us to make change.

To watch the video that started out the series about abuse here- What are the types of abuse?

What is abuse?

What is abuse?

Abuse defined can mean many things, e.g.:

1) Abuse of power
2) Substance abuse
3) Physical
4) Mental
5) Verbal
6) Sexual
7) Religion
8) Financial

9) Cyber

If you talk to or listen to experts on the subject, you will find there is an escalation of these. People from every gender, age, and ethnic background are affected. There are states and countries with various organizations or out-reach campaigns promoting awareness and services.

However, many thousands remain silently victimized ashamed, afraid, and unwilling to come forward to share their story due to fear of retaliation, disbelief, or support of the legal system, family and friends.

Making a radical change is a start but how does one begin? How does one make that leap to talk?

Perhaps you have not been directly affected by abuse have you ever wondered how you can help?

Supporting all involved is an excellent start. Writing to your local government officials to begin to make change with legislature to help victims, start programs to educate those that are abusers, or revamping the current programs.

See what support your local community does to promote activities for those in need, such as fundraisers or events.

Share stories from victims and Survivors. Donate your time and talents to your local shelter. Consider donating items that are desperately needed for both the guests and shelter.

Pray and listen to victims, Survivors, and even the abusers. Empathy for the abuser sounds odd I’m sure. There is a cycle of abuse that began at some point in that person’s life, triggered by substance abuse, a medical condition, or from being victimized. This doesn’t give an excuse for the behavior or justify it. It can help find a help and break the chain of abuse.

Finding an end to abuse is the goal to ending many senseless murders, assaults, and injuries. We are still a long way from meeting this goal but it starts with each one of us to make change.

Learn more about this topic or many others at https://facebook.com/hopewhentherewasnone

Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!

Mel

Anxiety attacks and Panic attacks- Do you know the difference?

I can't rightfully say my healing journey is over. I haven't had a Panic attack in several years now. I've kicked the nightmares to the curb. Not having these were a BIG deal for me. It meant no longer feeling as though my ex had power over me. It meant being able to not worry about being triggered by songs, smells, holidays, and more. You can find the video of this post here-
Panic/Anxiety attacks. Differences and what you can do about them.

It is said that half of the time you were in that toxic relationship is how long you need to heal. Example: If you were in a 20-year relationship with someone then 10 of those years will be healing.

Anxiety attacks, happen over a longer period of time. Some of the symptoms are:

Tense muscles
Hard time sleeping
Finding it hard to concentrate
Feeling rage at times
Self-harm
Hallucinations
Substance abuse
Dissociation
Feeling suicidal
Exhaustion

Panic attacks, usually come on fast and can be intense. Symptoms may include:

You may feel as though you are having a heart attack with chest pain or discomfort
Heart palpitations
Feeling as though you are losing control
Feeling as if you are dying
Hyperventilating
Lightheaded
Nausea

There are many more symptoms for both and each person experiences something entirely different than another person.  I had no idea I was having a Panic attack until I was taken to the hospital. At the time I was still living with my ex back in 2006. I thought I was having a heart attack. It was so scary!

So what can you do?

Here are some tips to help heal from an attack-

Tell someone! It can be a trusted friend or relative but do tell someone. It is especially important to share with your co-workers/boss so they are aware of your situation.

Practice deep breathing. It is important to remember to breathe or even to start humming/singing during this time. It's hard to do but using distractions is important.

Start a meditation practice

Find a "Happy place". This could be a warm and fuzzy memory, something funny or something that makes you feel good.

Journal or write down your thoughts

Take care of your body by eating things that are good for you. Cut down on caffeine, sugar and processed foods. Look for herbal teas that can help relax you, such as Chamomile or drink flavored water.

Find a mantra that can help you change your focus during an attack.

Pop in a funny movie or find a stream/video that makes you laugh.

What can you do when you feel an attack coming on?

A popular thing to do is the 54321 techniques:

Name-
5 things you can see in the room with you.
4 things you can feel (The chair on your back or your feet on the floor).
3 things you can hear at that moment (Fingers tapping on a keyboard or TV).
2 things you can smell or 2 things you can think of.
1 good thing about yourself

Afterward, focus on what caused your panic attack. These are also referred to as "Triggers". It is something that sets you off emotionally which activates your memory. Ask yourself these questions:

Was it a smell?
Sound?
Song?
Movie?
Memory?
Are you feeling stressed or anxious?
Try to recognize how your body feels before and during the attack.

Use essential oils to help!

Back to deep breathing. Keep a paper lunch bag with you to slowly breathe in during an attack. If no bag is available you can use your hand.

What can you do if a loved one is experiencing from these?

It can be scary to experience these and even scarier to watch. Your loved one may be having trouble breathing or become unresponsive, you may notice shaking, crying, or they may feel sick.

Be patient! These can last minutes or longer.

Sit them down if they are standing.

If you are in a crowd find a quiet spot and wait for them to calm down. This may mean you just sit and watch them. Knowing what your person likes is important. Meaning do they like to be hugged? For some hugging is reassuring and for another person, this could be a trigger depending on the trauma they experienced.

Gently tell them to breathe slowly and breathe with them so remind them they will be okay.

Use humor, sing something softly or find some essential oils to help calm them.

Talk in short sentences during this time. Don't expect a long conversation.

What you shouldn't say:

Just calm down!
Stop panicking!
Stop being a drama king/queen.
Just think positive.
Get over it already!
Don't make fun or light of them.

Call for medical attention if unresponsive!

I hope these tips and suggestions help you. There are other healing techniques you can find.

Counseling
Theta healing
Crystals and many more!

Find what works for you. Remember you are not alone. If you need to talk there is help.

Stay safe!
BIG HUGS!
Mel