Grounding yourself in the midst of chaos!

Depending on where you on with your journey, you still may feel the need to just let out a scream!
It is still surprising to me at how many times I shake my fist to heaven with tear filled eyes or that I still have a nightmare that causes me to wet the bed or to watch the tics or anxieties that still plague my children.

Out of all of these things the outcome from years of abuse that effect my children has left quite an impression of hopelessness, worry and deep heartache. No band aid can bind up the wounds caused. No kiss or hug can wipe away the memories.

No amount of beating myself is going to make it go away.

I apologized to my girls. I hug them. Let them know I love them and I did ask for forgiveness. I am eternally grateful that God gave me strength not give up and He didn't give up on me,though there were times I questioned His ways. There was a peace. Many times there was a stillness in my heart that everything would be okay and that we were not alone.

I don't understand it. I still have a hard time forgiving "Me" for keeping us where we were. Though in all honesty it worked out the way it did for a purpose not for my understanding.

How do I hold it together? I pray A LOT! I am a chatterbox with the Lord! I read my Bible and find verses that helped build me up. I keep my favorite verses in my wallet, purse or where I can view it regularly! I have a prayer journal of thoughts and prayers for my family and friends. Most effectively, I plead the blood of Christ over me and my family. I ask God to send me a hedge of protection and don't hesitate to call on Prayer Warriors to help!

I have been pretty candid on here. I have shared everything I can about my life and experiences. Oh, sure I don't go into intimate details about some of the sexual abuse. I feel I have been descriptive enough. The blogging has helped me greatly! I know I am not alone. Thousands of men and women have passed through this blog. I am still shocked and saddened by the stats.

I literally swipe my arms, head and body from negative thoughts or when I feel down. I brush it down or throw it to the ground. For added happiness I step on those nasty things or imagine a drain taking all of those things down and away from me.

I get out in nature! I unplug and just listen to the birds or the wind rustling through the leaves/trees. If I can I go barefoot and imagine myself with roots reaching down like a plant! Go somewhere that makes you happy! If you can't (money can be tight!) use your imagination, by going to a "Happy place" that is special to your or maybe it can be a memory where you felt safe and loved.

Play inspiring or soothing music! Color or dig out some craft supplies! Have a pet? Play with him/her! If you have kids, play with them! Spending time with your kids is of course first and foremost to help you and them recover.

Picture yourself in a white light or pink (Love) or blue (Calming) light has helped me when I needed to talk to my ex or when I had to go to court. Cutting Etheric cords that attached me to my past abuser also has helped (I will get a separate posting about these!)

Set goals for yourself! Where do you see yourself in a month? 6 months? 1 year? 2 years? 5 and so on. . .

Talk with a professional if you need to. Do what works for you! What works for me is entirely different from everyone else. Don't feel bad if you do something that takes a medicinal turn. I went more of a holistically path of healing with my path and non medicinal. I found essential oils, flowers, Bach's Flowers, Positive Affirmations, Dream boards are what worked for me.

An occasional bout of screaming and crying still works too!

These are just a few things that worked for me. I am still struggling even after 5+ years. I struggle with getting child support, bad dreams and panic attacks. These are getting few and far between, but you are not alone in your fight! Don't give up! I believe in you!

God bless my Dear Friend!
Mel

Got lists?

 

 

The first few days after leaving my abuser, I was so distraught and unsure how to proceed. I had no money, my family was kind to offer refuge. But I had no job. No plans and not a clue where to proceed further.

 

Though I had planned my escape, but neglected to think further about my future. I only focused on breaking free. When I finally settled down after a few weeks I knew I needed to start again and reinvent myself for a new beginning.

I pulled out a notebook and started writing lists! Lists of things to do in the present, things to do in the future and things that needed to be done immediately.

I also made a list of goals, dreams and things I wanted to achieve. I know I have my Bucket List on here and that was right around the time I started my other lists.  All of these lists are different for everyone. As no one has the same path, goal or dreams.

I knew I needed to work on important situations; eg., the safety of my children and me! So a Order of Protection was #1 on that list! I had information about local law enforcement, shelter information, began to research how to represent myself legally and what firm grounds did I have to keep my kids. I needed to look for a job in order to have some sort of income and listed friends and family that may or did know someone hiring.

I had a list of things I needed to supply our new apartment that my sister kindly helped decorate and fill a bit. I didn't have dishes, or a coffee pot or groceries. The kids needed supplies for school since I abruptly pulled them out of school.

I moved on to future needful things that were not necessary but a bit of a pipe dream. A new home, car, safety and even for the possibility to live off the grid someone in the woods, as I didn't want another relationship for a long time (Boy! God has a great sense of humor, as my current husband and I began to dating, I was blindsided by that!)

I created my Bucket List with Terry's urging, and I listed things I always wanted to do, see and learn. My lists changed as I grew and became more confident. I felt progress as I scratched off things and sometimes those lists felt very overwhelming!

I created a vision board to reflect wishes for a new life. And over viewing that board 5 years later, much of those things did happen!

Start off small! As this can be too overwhelming, especially if you are already stressed out due to leaving your ex.

Write 5 goals or things to do in immediately, present and future. If you don't get everything done on your list, don't stress out about it, move onto something else. Make a list of silly things that you have always wanted to do, you don't have to call it a Bucket list. Or make a Vision board! Cut out magazines with pictures or positive words that speak to you!

Give yourself a realistic time limit to get these done and again don't stress if they aren't done or you only check off a few things from your list. These things take time. Don't give up and stay strong!

God bless and BIG HUGS!
Mel

Brushing the dust from my knees

I lay curled in a protective pose, trying to shield my head and midsection from the assault that seemed to be over taking me.Terror that filled my bones, my stomach was in knots, I sobbed uncontrollably begging my attacker to please stop. 

I begged for mercy.

I sucked in my breath as the blows to my body, feeling light headed and wishing for death.

I prayed for God to just take me. To end the tirade that seemed to be lasting for hours, but in fact was over in less than a few minutes.

I was hit with sweat and spittle from my abuser as he screamed about how useless I was. That I was a stupid *unt! 

My head hurt, my body ached, I felt myself urinate on myself. I hoped he didn't notice. . .

Too late! He laughed and sneered with disgust at me. He ranted that I was a disgusting pig! He stopped in mid kick. He backed away, muttering under his breath about what a waste of flesh I was and shaking his head. 

He barked to me to get my ass off the floor, clean myself up and I better not have to go to the hospital or else. He yelled that it was my fault anyway and he would deny anything if it came to that.

My breathing was labored. I prayed I wasn't seriously hurt. I brushed myself off, found some clean clothes and was further instructed to take care of dinner.

I made haste and nearly fell down the stairs from our bedroom that was on the 2nd floor, to the sinister smile of my abuser waiting at the bottom of the stairs with open arms to say he was sorry he got out of hand. He made a pouty face and said an almost shy apology. 

He grabbed my hand and pulled me close to hold me. I felt repulsed and dead inside. Confused, hurt and still dazed by the events that had just taken place. I didn't understand why God was letting this happen to me or the kids.

***********************************************************

I felt as though I had floated in and out of that former life. Feeling as though another person had taken my place during times of painful episodes. Not believing there would be anything else that awaited me in the future except a coffin. I saw death by the hand of my abuser or from my own hand as I slumped in a deep depression, unsure of what to do next with my circumstances. I blamed myself. I blamed God. 

I walked about in a nervous fog. I dreamed of happiness. Fantasized of a life of happiness. No drama or violence. Even after chatting with a intuitive friend, Kristy, who advised me that she was worried that I would not survive the upcoming year. My heart knew she saw wasn't far from the truth. I needed to run. I couldn't stay in this crazed relationship any longer. 

Fast forward 5+ years later! 

God never gave up on me and provided the right opportunity to escape. My life now is still a roller coaster. My recent Order of Protection has been granted for no contact with my ex. Though I highly believe he is emailing my daughter, and believe he is pretending to be my older son. 

The girls are happier. Terry and I are best friends. I have been able to grow as a person. Heal and laugh again! That former life and me seems like it is a hundred years away. Helping my daughter from the sexual abuse she suffered is slow and I am not pushing her to relive those events. I have advised her we need to have a counselor or perhaps she needs to discuss with peers someday when she is ready. 

I'm writing as a reminder to others "stuck" you can break free of abuse. No, everything is not perfect. I still am on guard and watch over my shoulder. We don't receive regular child support payments. And there are still nightmares and panic attacks. I am very happy with this second chance at life and feel blessed.

Don't give up my Friend! Please pass this along to anyone else you know or believe is being abused so they can know they are not alone! There is beauty from the ashes!

God bless! Stay safe!

Mel

Definitions of variety of abuse

Do any of these fit you?

Physical abuse- 

The abuser's physical attack or aggressive behavior can range from bruising to murder. It often begins with what is excused as trivial contacts that escalate into more frequent and serious attacks. Examples-

• hitting, slapping, punching, kicking
• burning
• strangulation
• damaging valuable/personal property or throwing objects at a victim
• refusing medical care or hiding medications belonging to a victim
• pressuring or forcing a partner to use substances (e.g. drugs, alcohol)
• use of weapons, including improvised objects (e.g. a lamp or string)

Emotional abuse- 

The abuser's psychological or mental violence can include anything that impacts the mental health and well being of their partner.

Examples:

• name calling, insults, put downs
• crazy making, blaming the victim for everything
• jealousy, unfounded accusations of cheating
• intimidation
• shaming, humiliation
• socially isolating the victim from friends and family
• getting angry if a victim does not immediately return calls
• needing to know where the victim is at all times
• following the victim without their knowledge
• stalking

Sexual abuse-

Physical attacks by the abuser is often accompanied by, or culminates in, sexual violence wherein the survivor is forced to have sexual intercourse with the abuser or take part in unwanted sexual activity.

Examples:

• forcing a partner to perform sexual acts against their will, including having sex with other people, imitate pornography
• pursuing sexual activity when the victim is not fully conscious, is not asked, or is afraid to say no
• hurting their partner physically during sex or assaulting genitals
• coercing a partner to have sex without protection against pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases

Verbal abuse-

• Calling you names and putting you down.
• Yelling and screaming at you.
• Intentionally embarrassing you in public.
• Blaming your actions for their abusive or unhealthy behavior.

Do any of these fit you? Your not alone and your not going crazy! You can find help and break free! It does take a leap of faith to get there!  Please stay strong! View my other labels on tips to create a Go Bag or suggestions on how to leave an abuser! 

God bless!

Mel

Defiled and dang angry about it!

 

I'm horrified and very angry! My child had a break through about memories from her past. I won't go into vivid details about the situations but I was taken aback, though not surprised as it is something I had suspected for many years but could never give credence to as there was no verbal mention of it.

I have no doubt about her honesty about the situations. Too many things fit. Am feeling guilty, mad and so disheartened about this! While I would love to storm over there and take matters into my own hands, this won't help her heal.

This is not the first memory she has had, but the first memory that is on this subject matter. Both of my girls clam up at discussing anything about they're father. So this is BIG!

She asked me not bring this to attorney, GAL or Police.

She is ashamed and embarrassed.

I did reassure her of my love and support, also if she ever decides to file charges I will help her however I can.

My mind is reeling! What if he is or has done this to our other children? My son that lives with him is showered with gifts, could these things be given to him to keep him quiet for sexual abuse as well? I'm distressed by these thoughts. I have no way of finding out. And my other daughter does not recall anything that happened to her. It could be she just doesn't want to or is ready to yet.

A dear friend close to me has experienced similar and was kind enough to provide a shoulder to vent. So now, I wait pray and continue to love my children that's all I can do.

Sorry to end on a somber note. Please keep my children in your prayers and for my ex to be brought to justice, whether by the Thorn of Judgement or here on earth. . .

I pray that if you know someone or think someone is experiencing any type of abuse to PLEASE get them help! Whether to be a shoulder or just an ear to listen.

God bless!

Mel

It's done!

I can't believe my pages are on here! I felt a swirling rush of emotions as I posted the last chapters. None of them had been proofread by anyone, so I apologize for any errors.

I feel a big sense of relief getting most of those haunting memories on paper. I am not done writing, I have so many other cobwebs in my mind that need cleaning out!

Thank all of those that have been on this journey with me for well over 5 years in blog land, it is much appreciated.

I pray that whatever stage you are at in your situation ,that you find peace, comfort, strength, hope and faith to keep going. Know this, it's not easy. breaking up never is.  It does not matter whether the person you are with is calling you names, raising a hand to you or what have you, abuse is abuse.

If this person is your child, parent, partner, or relative, it's never okay to abuse another.

I have mentioned how God has played a critical role in my life and even at my darkest I knew it would be okay.

Before you push the notion of a being aside that you can not see, think about this.

Can you see air around you? How can you doubt something you can not see? I can go deeper and deeper about the subject and I'm not looking to convert everyone. I would like to plant a seed in your mind about the possibility of the unseen world around you.

I don't believe in chance. I believer things and people happen or come into your life at critical times in your life. It can be a stranger, someone you have known for years or just seeing something that reminds you of a person that has passed.

Know this, you are loved unconditionally by a God that will take you as you are! Broken, tired, scared, lonely, angry or just plain in need of a friend. All you have to do is ask God to come into your heart! Confess that you are a sinner and ask for forgiveness.

Your situation may seem very BIG, but for God, this is the small stuff. Leave your burdens and worries at His feet. You have to have patience! Prayer and situations work in His time not ours. Though I know I have a reminder of myself being impatient, stomping my feet at the situation I was in, wanting what I wanted "NOW!", but knowing I had to let go and let God. (Cliche I know but so true!)

My Friend if you are reading this you or someone you know may/is in a abusive situation. Please get help! It's okay to let others know that the life you are in is scary. Now, this is where your faith comes in!

You need to know you can live the life you are dreaming about. Peace, safety, true love, normalcy.

If you need to talk about any of the topics in my blog please do not hesitate to drop me a line. I am most readily available at blessmeplz@gmail.com.

God bless and stay safe!

Treehouse Supplemental report

Supplement Report

Miranda & Dad argue

Miranda "You told me for 2 years- that if the divorce happened it would be all my fault. You put me in that hospital".

Dad "That's a lie".

Miranda "No it's not. You sent us both. Me & Nathan. He needed to be there".

Dad "No he didn't. I didn't want you there".

Miranda "You need to be there. You need a psych eval".

Dad "I don't know what your game is- what your mothers game is".

Miranda "My life would be great if you weren't in it".

Dad "You're repeating exactly what your mother says".

Miranda "No. She would tell me to be respectful".

Dad "You don't hurt me".

Miranda "So now you're a counselor & a psycho".

Dad "I did nothing to you".

Miranda "You choked me. That's bullshit".

Dad "I didn't choke you. I slapped you".

Miranda "Lie".

Dad "You went crazy and started attacking Matthew".

Miranda "All you did what sit on the couch & watch TV all day".

Miranda "You whipped Nathan with your belt so many times. Mom tried to protect him".

Dad "All I see is your mother. So it's ok for you to disrespect me".

Miranda "I'd rather be like her than you".

Dad "Mom is hurting you by keeping the negativity going".

Dad "I always tell Nathan to not talk badly about"

Miranda "Why do you or Nathan keep texting Mom in the middle of the night?"

Miranda "You ruined the first 10 years of my life".

Dad "Your Mom keeps your away from me. You can argue all you want. It doesn't hurt me".

Miranda "I hate you with a deep passion. I want to stab you right now- but I won't because I will not stoop to your level. I wish you would leave me alone. I hate you! I don't want to see you!"

Dad "I'm fighting for custody of you".

Miranda "I hate you. I thought you changed- but you didn't. Stop this visitation shit. I hate you. Get out of my life".

Zoe "Guys your kinda talking loud".

Dad "You shush!"

Miranda "NO!" and slams her hands on the table

Miranda throws her cards at dads face.

CTH security enters visit

Dad laughs when Miranda leaves

Dad "Zoe I didn't hurt you. You're my baby".

Zoe cries- Zoe asks to leave

Nathan cries.

*Mom called to pick up girls 11:23 am