Life after abuse

From time to time I view other blogs and websites about abuse. I find it hard not to feel sucked into darkness of my life about my past.

The past does not define you. Your past makes who you are now. Getting wrapped up in writing my book brings back to what was a surreal life there once was. The craziness of living with someone that is abusive.

I could ramble on a list of mental illness labels to call him, Narcissist, Gaslighter, Borderline, blah, blah, blah. . .

He was abusive. That's it. No special label needed.

God has this wonderful choice of Freewill. He knows between good and bad. He chose his moods and his actions most times before he walked in the door from a day at work. The experiences one goes through is amazingly similar. That's what gets me. No matter whose story or book about they're experiences with an abuser, the story is almost the same.

Paste your face here.

It's almost annoying and scary at how similar in the situations we are. I have discussed this with others that are victims or survivors about the "Playbook" that all abusers seem to use.

No matter what point in your journey you are in, please know you are walking a path from many other survivors and victims have walked before you. There are those that wish to keep silent and stay in the relationship of abuse and they feel as though there is no hope. Then there are those such as  very strong people- Leslie, Kristy, and Joanie. You may not know who they are, but they have made profound impact on me. They have reached out for friendship, sharing they're stories privately about what they endured in past relationship. I am in awe of the strength, the grace and brushing off the shadows of abuse and they are each putting a face on abuse.

Kristy is a well renown Author, life coach and Medium- www.tangledwishes.com .

Leslie and Joanie are two women that have left very abusive relationships after years of suffering in silence from abuse. There are several more that have contacted me over the years, looking for advice for son's, daughters, in-laws, parents or even co-workers.

Dear Blog reader, your not alone! Your experiences whether they are verbal, sexual, mental or physical are real!

I can't tell you how or when to leave. You will just know. There will come a time when enough is enough. No amount of pleading from others involved will get a victim to leave the abuse. Sad to say something may have to happen to the victim or someone close to her or him, in order for that person to leave.

A wake up call.

Where your abuser has a choice to victimize, you also have a choice to stay a victim.

You can have a really good life, but you need to have faith and believe. Does it take time to heal? Yes! Even after 5 years there are still bumps and little glitches that I need to contend with, whether it is a nightmare, anxiety attack or just a reaction that is programmed from my past.

April is Child Abuse awareness month. If you or someone you know is a victim of abuse please get help! Or listen, be a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen.

Stay safe Dear Reader!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Writing, memories and used tissues

When I started this journey I had friends, family and kind blog readers suggest to write a book about my story. Flattered and slightly hesitant to do so in the beginning, despite urging from a great number of loved ones, I waited, waited and waited.

Each time I opened a Word doc or even just with pen in hand, I couldn't seem to get the words down. For some big reason, blogging about the experiences to some extent had been much easier to do and I am not even entirely sure why, though I'm sure there is a cosmic or psychological reason. For me to relive by digging deep, memories from childhood to present has proved to be very intense.

A great sense of relief comes from finally getting these experiences out. I am able to brush off the gathered dust from my past has opened up a deeper sense of understanding how I am the way I am.
Waiting to write my story has given me clarity, focus, confidence and drive to keep finding joy in little things is greater that I never felt before.

There are still moments of crying spells, dried tissue that seem to fill my pockets or the work area around me, as I pound out several pages, I notice that my spirit is feeling more uplifted and free!

I sometimes am amazed at the words appearing from my eyes, telling the story about my memories I believed that I had buried so deep down long ago or lost.

Telling my story and blogging gives me hope that if I can reach one person that they are worthy of living a life that can be normal, then it's all worth it. I wish to inspire others, with faith, hope and a strong resolve, many can leave the bondage of a violent relationship. It is not easy and can be dangerous, but Dear Blog reader, you have to begin to realize that you are a beautiful person deserving of normalcy and love!

If you know someone that is in a broken relationship, please help them find help, a shoulder and ear to listen to. Remind them they are not alone.

God bless! I will keep you posted on more info on my upcoming book! Thank you for all the kind words and prayers since my journey began, I appreciate it.

Much love and happiness,
Mel

5 years ago

 

5 years ago I fled my home with my children and a few meager belongings gathered in secret for a few weeks prior to our leaving.

It hit me on my way home today. As I was driving I realized how much I miss my oldest Son. It will be 5 years in September since I had seen him.

I called my Mom. I needed to vent and cry. Who best then Mom? She is incredibly hard to nail down as she works 2 jobs at least 6 days a week. Luckily, I had gotten her on the phone and I balled my eyeballs out, whining and bellyaching.

She listened.

She reminded me I did all I could in the situation we were in.

She told me that maybe someday he and I would reunite but sadly due to being in his Dad's care, his view of me is more then likely not a very nice one.

She told me to stop crying, it's over and done. To go home and hugs my baby- The big one, Terry.
I wiped my tears, quit feeling sorry for myself, remembering how far we have came and I was going home to a peaceful home, to those that loved me unconditionally.

She said she loved me and we said good bye. That's Mom. No punches held back. In the short conversation we had there is truth.

I usually keep much of these feelings inside. I don't share with everyone. I keep a smile on my face all the time, deep down, I feel unsure of myself. I lack confidence in myself. My self esteem is getting much better, though I still look in the mirror and can still sometimes hear an all too familiar voice, of my ex putting me down, saying I can't do anything. I will never amount to anything . . . Blah! Blah! Blah!

I met someone recently, she is in a relationship that is volatile. With tear filled eyes, she asked me how I did it? How did I escape? How did I stop loving him?

It took a LONG time. Even though many of my feelings were not as hers are, I still mourned my breakup.

Feeling as though it was my fault that I was unable to keep the marriage going.

Feeling that I somehow failed.  It took a very long time to stop these feelings.

Those feelings eventually were replaced with anger, regret, remorse and then clarity.

Clarity?

Yes indeed!

I had clarity that all my faults were not mine. They were his! After being told I was a screw up, I made those spiteful and mean spirited things my own.

I began to dig deep. I absorbed all I could about Abuse, reading blogs, books, survivor experiences to remind me that I was not alone. At the same time I began to sink into a deep depression. I had to stop reading these things. To understand abuse is one thing, but I felt a sadness for those that were suffering.

I couldn't fix the world, but I can fix myself.

I read my Bible. I prayed. I prayed for God to work in me. To heal my mind and shattered spirit. To bind up the tattered broken pieces of my heart. I was able to lift my spirit with many great verses, enabling me to get through the day.

I began to seek out positive affirmations again. To picture the life I wanted. To erase, "Can't" from my vocabulary. To see the wipe away the small worries. The small stuff.

I wrote a Bucket List.

Created a Vision Board

I didn't bar hop or go nuts partying after I left my ex. I'm not a party person.

I did reconnect with my kids. Going to parks, the beach, the city (Chicago), exploring and playing games.

I have done things I read about in magazines and books- Law books to help me learn Pro bono workings of the court room. I'm pretty proud of myself for this.

I dove into doing things such as, Bee keeping, more gardening, Chickens/Ducks, Canning, Author, hosting Vision Board workshops, Reflexology, Herbs, Crystal healing, Aromatherapy, Meditation (I'm still working on this!), a Doula, teaching myself to crochet (I will have to post my first afghan on here, it is extremely crooked but I did it myself! ), hosting antique sales out of the house- I do have a booth space now.

And more, I do whatever else tickles my fancy! Most of these things are inexpensive or free. If you can find someone to teach you then go for it!

I found articles online and in books about rediscovering me! Finding my Inner Goddess, so to speak. Anytime I felt crappy I would open my bible, call a close friend, share with the Hubster or journal.

I have my mantra- "Hope" I have had this for almost 8 years now. I moved onto other mantras, such as "Believe", "Inspire", "Dare to Dream". In all honesty I keep coming back to "Hope". I see it all over the place, in places I wouldn't even think about. Billboards, webpages, books, news stories.

Hope.  A little word with BIG meaning for me.

I'm not erasing my past. I have forgiven and let go. The past is what shaped me. Though I can't escape the memories or bad dreams, they have loosened a grip on me.

Now don't get me wrong, I still look over my shoulder to see if my ex is around. I make sure I am aware of my surroundings all the time. Our address and my work place are still under wraps. I still worry from time to time.

But we are safe. I am free! My kids and I are still a work in progress. Things are much better then they were 5 years ago today.

I'm not haunted by my past, I am moving on to a beautiful life. I don't have a flashy car or home. We are comfortable. I'm married to my best friend. The love of my life! I have 5 beautiful children- Terry's daughter, my oldest son, Jess, Alex and Kalven.

My situation is rare. Not everyone finds another love, quickly or that is not an abuser.

Please tread carefully when leaping into a new relationship! Rediscover you!

There can be a happily ever after! You have to want it! You have to desire to be more then a doormat.

Brush off your dreams, wishes and sorrows, soar like a butterfly! You can do it!

If someone you know is still struggling with leaving an abusive situation, please do not give up hope. Check in from time to time. The drama can be very intense, if you dig deep, it can drag you into a roller coaster. Step back if need be. But do let the victim know that if they ever need help you will be there or can direct them to someone that can help!

It was nice for me to know that despite it all, my family and close friends never gave up on me! It actually did encourage me to find the strength to leave.

I'm cheering for you! BIG HUGS and prayers!

Mel

White lights on a Christmas tree and positive affirmations

Now I haven't lost my mind. . . Yet! What do white lights on a tree have to do with anything?! On my path to healing my spirit, there are glimpses of my past. Hurts and these dang burning memories that come bubbling up like water from a spring from the desert. 

We are decorating for Christmas, we were gifted a Christmas tree that someone was going to throw away at the end of yard sale this past summer. Terry was so proud of his find and he didn't have to rummage through the trash! (A playful jab because I am the Queen of trash re-purposing- a gentle title I like to use rather then garbage picker)The only thing wrong with the tree is the lights aren't working, so he very patiently at checking and changing each light. 

As we had surveyed his work last night, thus far, and while admiring the tree, I trailed off in mid "Your doing a awesome job!" and must have had a funny look on my face because he thought something was wrong. I replied that I just realized that I had never had a Christmas tree with white lights! 

My ex had hated the way white lights look on a tree and I was not allowed to hang anything but multicolored lights on the tree! EVER! Now those lights had to be strung by wrapping each branch with lights. I would have over 1,000+ lights on the tree! It would take me hours to get the tree done. No short cuts while doing this or I would have to start all over in his presence.

  

As I mentioned in previous posts I began to dislike the holidays. So, last night was like reopening an old scab. When these thoughts or memories come up I have found opening my heart and feelings to my loved ones or blogging has helped me tremendously.  

Anytime I start bad mouthing myself, oh yes Dear Blog reader, you can put yourself down! That inner voice that holds you hostage by calling you names, making you feel worthless and weak. So when I find myself trash talking about myself, I pause, pray and say positive affirmations. I look in the mirror and remind myself that I am safe. I am a child of God. 

I am beautiful. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of happiness and joy! 

It can be hard to look yourself in the eye and tell you these things and you may even feel silly.  After time these will become really great mantras! Or create your own. 

Almost 5 years that we started this journey, while it is not the end to the craziness, the beginning of this wonderful, hair raising adventure makes me appreciate the small things in life. The sound of silence in the morning, actually conversations and laughter in our home. Love and companionship with my now husband, Terry. 

Don't give up hope Dear Blog reader, you can be free! Whether it is the realization of the color of the lights on your Christmas tree or how you live your life day to day. There can be happiness. It is a rough ride, tears, and sometimes scary. But all in all it has been worth it! No regrets and no apologizes.

If you are in a abusive relationship or know someone that is, please get them help! Surf the web for one of the many national and local organizations that can direct you to safety. Feel free to view some tips on safety tips and more here. 

God bless! Stay safe!

Mel

*Find me here- hopewhentherewasnone on FB or healingheartsreflexology- Soon offering Emotional release (Young Living essential oils) and more! Also collecting toiletries for  local Shelter- St. Jude House in Crown Point, IN. I do have a booth space at Treasures Hidden in Lowell, IN where 10% of proceeds will go to St. Jude House.

In the midst of chaos

First let me say that if you are reading this blog, I'm sorry. I pray God gives you strength to carry on. I pray that you don't just give up or give in. That you dust yourself off and stand tall. Though it seems grim, dark or impossible there is a ray of light at the end of the chaos.

I have leaned of the Lord to get me through my life. I was abused as a young child, and a counselor believes I may have been sexual abused as well. Being a victim seems to be a pattern in my life at various cycles. But, it can be broken! I'm asking you go put your faith in God. Whatever your faith or whatever being you believe in, you have to place faith that you will get through this.

You are worthy of a life worth living. You are beautiful in the sight of God. Now I normally don't preach about religion, but I receive emails from time to time asking how do you do it? Or what is your secret to keep going? How are you so brave?

To be honest, my emotions are a swirl of anger, bitterness and sadness. I had to give all of it to the Lord. He is greater then these things earthbound. Also, I was blessed to be surrounded with angels both spiritually, family, friends and to have found a partner that builds me up, encourages me to grow.

I pray all the time! I pray for not only  my situation, but for others, our world, our nation and those in my life. I journal, blog and tell anyone about our story. I don't wish it to end here. I someday hope to get speaking engagements to discuss this subject in schools or groups. I have looked around to do so but do need either, training via a Women's shelter (that irked me I had first hand experience on how to deal with abuse!) or a education as a counselor or mental health field or a book. Now the book is something I have been going back and forth about because I'm unsure of myself and scared. Yup, I still get scared or terrified that my ex will try to sabotage something, kill me or send my eldest son to kill me or my new husband and youngest son.

After close to 5 years my abuser still looks for me/us. He still reaches out to my family and friends to inquire, rant and bash me.

Everything I whine or go on about here are things I practice, do or have looked into. I like to think that I practice what I preach!

I do the Positive affirmations. I talk to other survivors about what they are going through or ask thoughts on my situation. I read my Bible! I read self help books to help me with my spirit, self esteem and to help me heal myself. I cleanse our home with sage, oils and prayer. I take baths in sea salt or do a Salt glow to rid me of negativity.

I use crystals, essential oils, Bach Flowers (Rescue Remedy) garden, find things that soothe my soul and broken spirit. I am teaching myself dozens of things to help me grow in mind and body. (I'm trying to learn to meditate but my brain thinks about everything under the sun or think about the housework that needs to get done) I do these things to get my mind from running away from me about my situation.

I have seen a handful of counselors, overall I don't believe in them. Sorry! I am not on medication. I did that route. It was not for me. Not saying for others not to see or use medications to get through. I'm saying I did not feel it was best for me. I don't like the side effects of drugs. Now, for others this is the way to go and if it works for you then that is fantastic! I use visualization to get me through my PTSD symptoms or a bag works. I talk myself down during these times and pray. I plead the blood of Christ in my life A LOT!

Anytime the house seems alive with bad energy, I cleanse it. Much to the eye rolling of the kids and hubby. They go with it because the mood after I do so is lighter! I don't consider myself a "New Age person" but I am open minded to everything. I am a believer in God. He gives me strength!

I can ramble on and on.

Dearest? Please consider opening your heart to the Lord. If you are already a follower and are saved then don't lose faith the God is with you. Let Him work in your life. Give Him your worries!

It takes faith. You have to have faith. Before you open your mouth, act in a situation or even start your day, before you jump out of bed ask God to guidance. You are never to old for a happily ever after. Nor are you unworthy enough to call upon angels or God to help you through these tough times! I'm praying for you!

Now, God still wants you to act and be diligent to keep yourself safe. Don't shut yourself in the house and never leave, becoming a hermit. Take steps to protect yourself at all times!

Take a self defense class!

Leave a paper trail- emails, voice mails, text messages from your ex or even first hand accounts written by you or someone that has witnessed the abuse.

Practice self awareness while you are out.

Don't see your ex without someone else being present. And if you have to see your ex do so in a PUBLIC  SETTING! Call the police and let them know of the situations and that you would like an officer present during visitation exchanges or just because you don't feel comfortable. That's they're job!

Keep an emergency phone or change on you to make a call!

Let a trusted friend or family member know where you are at all times. I know you don't want to feel like a child but this could be life saving!

Try the other tips found in the blog to stay safe.

Learn to love yourself again!

Prayers, blessings and love Dear Blog reader! Stay safe!
Mel

*Side note- If you have any questions about God, faith, prayer or anything please feel free to contact me at hopewhentherewasnone@gmail.com . Or visit- http://purewordsoftruth.com/ for information about the Lord.*

Me 4 years ago

I barely resemble the "Me" I was what feels so long ago. I have put on more then a few pounds. I feel much better in my own skin. I am free to be me!

An amazing transformation takes place when you leave an abuser. Not right away, first there maybe tears, anger, fear and regret~ in no particular order. Your self esteem is in the toilet, there maybe passing thoughts of a real love that may stroll into your life down the road.

"Can I do this on my own?"

"I can't afford to leave, maybe I'll let him think about it and he/she will change."

"What are the neighbors or friends or church or co-workers think?"

"Why is he/she telling everyone lies or that I am the cause or the break up?!"

These thoughts and more go through your head. Your not alone!

If you have read my ramblings, first thank you and secondly, you really need to start living again!

There is a great joy in life. Plenty to be thankful for and there are others in your shoes right now or that have been there. Tell! Tell whoever will listen! Vent! It feels good! I admit I look back with sorrow and a heavy heart of the things I went through. I share because I feel more courageous now then ever!

If this is the first time you have been here, my situation may be different then yours. In many ways it is the same. My abuser thought it was funny or just denied he ever:

Raped me
Choked me
Held knives to my body
Threatened to kill me or our children and there was a time he threatened to kill our pets
He spit on me
Kicked me
Pushed me down the stairs and out of a moving car/truck
Punched me
Called me names
Spanked me
BDSM
Attempted to run me over with a car
Smother me with a pillow while I was sleeping
Keep me awake at night for days on end
White glove the house to make sure it was clean
Various punishments if I disobeyed him or didn't stand up for him during family arguments in presence of others
Hired someone to kill me for $4,000.00- I had the persons involved come forward and sign statements at police station but he was never charged
Arranged for my son to burn my apartment down and kill me with knives as I slept
Arranged for my son to instigate a fight at court house with my then fiance

And more. . .

I am cautious, even now. I am living a new life then I was. It was not easy. It was was scary! Sometimes the judicial system is just as frightening! You can survive, but never let your guard down. Make sure you let someone know of your plans or happenings. Check in with family or a trusted friend. When you feel depressed, call someone! Call a hot line, clergy member, law enforcement agent, or perhaps get professional help. There is no shame in using these, and they could save your life.

Make a plan of escape or a list to get your life back on track! Keep a listing of calls, texts, email, voice mails or snail mail! Leave a paper trail! If need be ask for a Protective Order for you/children! Give copies to a friend or family member. Give code words to kids if something is not right. Arm your children with strength and knowledge that if a visit with Mom/Dad is scary or not right. Or maybe Mom/Dad told them not to tell you about something that happened while visiting. Please let a law official know! Or maybe your child(ren) is frightened to share with you. If you have someone they trust that is a outside member of your circle, encourage them to open up if there is ever a need to. I encourage you to view my other posts safety for you and your family. Do something to empower you.

Stay safe Dear Blog reader! Prayers for you and your loved ones!

Blessings and Love,
Mel

Is your life worth more then a toaster?

I have talked with men and women that amaze me. I'm talking I'm floored that out of 10 people 6 stay because they don't want the abuser to get stuff or the house or car, etc. . .

Seriously!?

Is your life worth the toaster? How about your other "things"?

As hard as it is to swallow these things can be REPLACED! YOU can NOT be!

I admit to wonder how terrible a person must be suffering if they are staying in any sort of abusive relationship due to things. I can understand staying for fear, hope that he/she will change or worries over no place to live, or lack of money. But to stay because you don't want that so and so to get the house or the car. What are you thinking?!

Abuse is a serious matter. If you are living in fear. LEAVE with your dignity and LIFE!

Now, if you are staying in an abusive relationship because you are fearful or worried that you can't because of no money or what will everyone think. Consider those victims that have lost they're lives. The most dangerous time is right after you leave. Not to scare you, but the abuser thrives on making a victim continue to be a victim. They don't care about the silverware, they don't care about the kids. Most Gaslighters/Narcs care about them and them alone!

You have to be ready to make the jump, when you know it's time. No one can make you leave. No one can tell you to leave unless your ready. I can and have talked until I have been blue in the face to victims and until they are ready they stay. Something "has" to happen to make the victim say "Enough is enough". Sadly, this can be at the dangerous cost to the lives of the victim or victim's child(ren) or pet.

After you gather your courage to finally leave and not come back or allow him/her to come back. You will cry, get angry at yourself and abuser, or depression. Don't feel bad if you need to reach out for professional help! Do what you can to get yourself help for support or just to vent.

Contact a shelter, clergy person, friend or medical professional to help. Depending on the situation consider strongly contacting the local law enforcement about your plans of leaving or let them know of the situation so they can patrol your area. That is what they are paid to do! You are not bothering them! File police reports! File protective orders for you and your child(ren).

Take EVERY threat seriously. Keep every text, IM, email, VM or letter from your abuser for legal purposes. Leave a paper trail! Make copies and entrust a friend or family member of your situation.
Don't go anywhere alone or without telling someone where you are going.

If you are doing parental visit do so at a public location. Alert the police and ask them to sit or patrol the area. Be safe! You have to be 2 steps ahead of your abuser. Be situational aware at all times. Even if you are just checking the mailbox or walking in a parking lot.

If you have kids with your abuser, please let the school/teachers know what is going on. Bring them copies of Protective orders. Do what you have to do to keep yourself and your children safe! (pets)

Look online for youtube videos on Self defense or find out if your community is offering a class in safety. If you are using pepper spray, gun, stun gun or some other type of item to protect yourself find information on how to properly use the item or you may have to find out if you need to be licensed to carry some protective items.

Remember you are worthy of a safe life! You are not a dumb person nor are you stupid. You can have a great life that is safe. I won't lie about my life. I'm very cautious and have to be. I value the lives of my children and myself.

Stay safe Dear blog reader! If you are being abuse please get help or if you know someone that is being abuse be a shoulder, lift them up so they know they are not alone. Contact local law enforcement or shelters on information to find a safe place or for legal help.

God bless!

Mel

*** What am I doing now? Well, above I saved my pennies and finally got to meet some online friends from MI and one I have not seen in ages (Kristy) I'm in the red! The incredible ladies and famous Nancie, Kristy Robinett, Mary and the Sparkle gals pictured here. It was for the Gypsy Soul Retreat. The next one is in the beginning of 2014. I would like to go again!http://www.gypsysoulretreats.com/

I have recently taken a Reflexology seminar that made me look inwardly and begin to embrace my inner strength. I hope to incorporate this into my Doula business. I'm still doing Antique and vintage sales, hoping to reach out to the public about DV and abuse. Attempting to write my story but I can't seem to get the words on paper. SIGH! I'm still growing in my Christian walk, gardening, crafting, learning about herbs and edibles from the yard for eating and medicinal uses, enjoying chickens, honey bees, guinea fowl, ducks and learning about homesteading. I'm hoping to learn more about energy work as well! Enough about me! Dear blog reader I hope you can someday have a "Happily ever after". . .