I barely resemble the "Me" I was what feels so long ago. I have put on more then a few pounds. I feel much better in my own skin. I am free to be me!
An amazing transformation takes place when you leave an abuser. Not right away, first there maybe tears, anger, fear and regret~ in no particular order. Your self esteem is in the toilet, there maybe passing thoughts of a real love that may stroll into your life down the road.
"Can I do this on my own?"
"I can't afford to leave, maybe I'll let him think about it and he/she will change."
"What are the neighbors or friends or church or co-workers think?"
"Why is he/she telling everyone lies or that I am the cause or the break up?!"
These thoughts and more go through your head. Your not alone!
If you have read my ramblings, first thank you and secondly, you really need to start living again!
There is a great joy in life. Plenty to be thankful for and there are others in your shoes right now or that have been there. Tell! Tell whoever will listen! Vent! It feels good! I admit I look back with sorrow and a heavy heart of the things I went through. I share because I feel more courageous now then ever!
If this is the first time you have been here, my situation may be different then yours. In many ways it is the same. My abuser thought it was funny or just denied he ever:
Held knives to my body
Threatened to kill me or our children and there was a time he threatened to kill our pets
He spit on me
Pushed me down the stairs and out of a moving car/truck
Called me names
Attempted to run me over with a car
Smother me with a pillow while I was sleeping
Keep me awake at night for days on end
White glove the house to make sure it was clean
Various punishments if I disobeyed him or didn't stand up for him during family arguments in presence of others
Hired someone to kill me for $4,000.00- I had the persons involved come forward and sign statements at police station but he was never charged
Arranged for my son to burn my apartment down and kill me with knives as I slept
Arranged for my son to instigate a fight at court house with my then fiance
And more. . .
I am cautious, even now. I am living a new life then I was. It was not easy. It was was scary! Sometimes the judicial system is just as frightening! You can survive, but never let your guard down. Make sure you let someone know of your plans or happenings. Check in with family or a trusted friend. When you feel depressed, call someone! Call a hot line, clergy member, law enforcement agent, or perhaps get professional help. There is no shame in using these, and they could save your life.
Make a plan of escape or a list to get your life back on track! Keep a listing of calls, texts, email, voice mails or snail mail! Leave a paper trail! If need be ask for a Protective Order for you/children! Give copies to a friend or family member. Give code words to kids if something is not right. Arm your children with strength and knowledge that if a visit with Mom/Dad is scary or not right. Or maybe Mom/Dad told them not to tell you about something that happened while visiting. Please let a law official know! Or maybe your child(ren) is frightened to share with you. If you have someone they trust that is a outside member of your circle, encourage them to open up if there is ever a need to. I encourage you to view my other posts safety for you and your family. Do something to empower you.
Stay safe Dear Blog reader! Prayers for you and your loved ones!
Blessings and Love,