White lights on a Christmas tree and positive affirmations

Now I haven't lost my mind. . . Yet! What do white lights on a tree have to do with anything?! On my path to healing my spirit, there are glimpses of my past. Hurts and these dang burning memories that come bubbling up like water from a spring from the desert. 

We are decorating for Christmas, we were gifted a Christmas tree that someone was going to throw away at the end of yard sale this past summer. Terry was so proud of his find and he didn't have to rummage through the trash! (A playful jab because I am the Queen of trash re-purposing- a gentle title I like to use rather then garbage picker)The only thing wrong with the tree is the lights aren't working, so he very patiently at checking and changing each light. 

As we had surveyed his work last night, thus far, and while admiring the tree, I trailed off in mid "Your doing a awesome job!" and must have had a funny look on my face because he thought something was wrong. I replied that I just realized that I had never had a Christmas tree with white lights! 

My ex had hated the way white lights look on a tree and I was not allowed to hang anything but multicolored lights on the tree! EVER! Now those lights had to be strung by wrapping each branch with lights. I would have over 1,000+ lights on the tree! It would take me hours to get the tree done. No short cuts while doing this or I would have to start all over in his presence.

  

As I mentioned in previous posts I began to dislike the holidays. So, last night was like reopening an old scab. When these thoughts or memories come up I have found opening my heart and feelings to my loved ones or blogging has helped me tremendously.  

Anytime I start bad mouthing myself, oh yes Dear Blog reader, you can put yourself down! That inner voice that holds you hostage by calling you names, making you feel worthless and weak. So when I find myself trash talking about myself, I pause, pray and say positive affirmations. I look in the mirror and remind myself that I am safe. I am a child of God. 

I am beautiful. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of happiness and joy! 

It can be hard to look yourself in the eye and tell you these things and you may even feel silly.  After time these will become really great mantras! Or create your own. 

Almost 5 years that we started this journey, while it is not the end to the craziness, the beginning of this wonderful, hair raising adventure makes me appreciate the small things in life. The sound of silence in the morning, actually conversations and laughter in our home. Love and companionship with my now husband, Terry. 

Don't give up hope Dear Blog reader, you can be free! Whether it is the realization of the color of the lights on your Christmas tree or how you live your life day to day. There can be happiness. It is a rough ride, tears, and sometimes scary. But all in all it has been worth it! No regrets and no apologizes.

If you are in a abusive relationship or know someone that is, please get them help! Surf the web for one of the many national and local organizations that can direct you to safety. Feel free to view some tips on safety tips and more here. 

God bless! Stay safe!

Mel

*Find me here- hopewhentherewasnone on FB or healingheartsreflexology- Soon offering Emotional release (Young Living essential oils) and more! Also collecting toiletries for  local Shelter- St. Jude House in Crown Point, IN. I do have a booth space at Treasures Hidden in Lowell, IN where 10% of proceeds will go to St. Jude House.

In the midst of chaos

First let me say that if you are reading this blog, I'm sorry. I pray God gives you strength to carry on. I pray that you don't just give up or give in. That you dust yourself off and stand tall. Though it seems grim, dark or impossible there is a ray of light at the end of the chaos.

I have leaned of the Lord to get me through my life. I was abused as a young child, and a counselor believes I may have been sexual abused as well. Being a victim seems to be a pattern in my life at various cycles. But, it can be broken! I'm asking you go put your faith in God. Whatever your faith or whatever being you believe in, you have to place faith that you will get through this.

You are worthy of a life worth living. You are beautiful in the sight of God. Now I normally don't preach about religion, but I receive emails from time to time asking how do you do it? Or what is your secret to keep going? How are you so brave?

To be honest, my emotions are a swirl of anger, bitterness and sadness. I had to give all of it to the Lord. He is greater then these things earthbound. Also, I was blessed to be surrounded with angels both spiritually, family, friends and to have found a partner that builds me up, encourages me to grow.

I pray all the time! I pray for not only  my situation, but for others, our world, our nation and those in my life. I journal, blog and tell anyone about our story. I don't wish it to end here. I someday hope to get speaking engagements to discuss this subject in schools or groups. I have looked around to do so but do need either, training via a Women's shelter (that irked me I had first hand experience on how to deal with abuse!) or a education as a counselor or mental health field or a book. Now the book is something I have been going back and forth about because I'm unsure of myself and scared. Yup, I still get scared or terrified that my ex will try to sabotage something, kill me or send my eldest son to kill me or my new husband and youngest son.

After close to 5 years my abuser still looks for me/us. He still reaches out to my family and friends to inquire, rant and bash me.

Everything I whine or go on about here are things I practice, do or have looked into. I like to think that I practice what I preach!

I do the Positive affirmations. I talk to other survivors about what they are going through or ask thoughts on my situation. I read my Bible! I read self help books to help me with my spirit, self esteem and to help me heal myself. I cleanse our home with sage, oils and prayer. I take baths in sea salt or do a Salt glow to rid me of negativity.

I use crystals, essential oils, Bach Flowers (Rescue Remedy) garden, find things that soothe my soul and broken spirit. I am teaching myself dozens of things to help me grow in mind and body. (I'm trying to learn to meditate but my brain thinks about everything under the sun or think about the housework that needs to get done) I do these things to get my mind from running away from me about my situation.

I have seen a handful of counselors, overall I don't believe in them. Sorry! I am not on medication. I did that route. It was not for me. Not saying for others not to see or use medications to get through. I'm saying I did not feel it was best for me. I don't like the side effects of drugs. Now, for others this is the way to go and if it works for you then that is fantastic! I use visualization to get me through my PTSD symptoms or a bag works. I talk myself down during these times and pray. I plead the blood of Christ in my life A LOT!

Anytime the house seems alive with bad energy, I cleanse it. Much to the eye rolling of the kids and hubby. They go with it because the mood after I do so is lighter! I don't consider myself a "New Age person" but I am open minded to everything. I am a believer in God. He gives me strength!

I can ramble on and on.

Dearest? Please consider opening your heart to the Lord. If you are already a follower and are saved then don't lose faith the God is with you. Let Him work in your life. Give Him your worries!

It takes faith. You have to have faith. Before you open your mouth, act in a situation or even start your day, before you jump out of bed ask God to guidance. You are never to old for a happily ever after. Nor are you unworthy enough to call upon angels or God to help you through these tough times! I'm praying for you!

Now, God still wants you to act and be diligent to keep yourself safe. Don't shut yourself in the house and never leave, becoming a hermit. Take steps to protect yourself at all times!

Take a self defense class!

Leave a paper trail- emails, voice mails, text messages from your ex or even first hand accounts written by you or someone that has witnessed the abuse.

Practice self awareness while you are out.

Don't see your ex without someone else being present. And if you have to see your ex do so in a PUBLIC  SETTING! Call the police and let them know of the situations and that you would like an officer present during visitation exchanges or just because you don't feel comfortable. That's they're job!

Keep an emergency phone or change on you to make a call!

Let a trusted friend or family member know where you are at all times. I know you don't want to feel like a child but this could be life saving!

Try the other tips found in the blog to stay safe.

Learn to love yourself again!

Prayers, blessings and love Dear Blog reader! Stay safe!
Mel

*Side note- If you have any questions about God, faith, prayer or anything please feel free to contact me at hopewhentherewasnone@gmail.com . Or visit- http://purewordsoftruth.com/ for information about the Lord.*

Me 4 years ago

I barely resemble the "Me" I was what feels so long ago. I have put on more then a few pounds. I feel much better in my own skin. I am free to be me!

An amazing transformation takes place when you leave an abuser. Not right away, first there maybe tears, anger, fear and regret~ in no particular order. Your self esteem is in the toilet, there maybe passing thoughts of a real love that may stroll into your life down the road.

"Can I do this on my own?"

"I can't afford to leave, maybe I'll let him think about it and he/she will change."

"What are the neighbors or friends or church or co-workers think?"

"Why is he/she telling everyone lies or that I am the cause or the break up?!"

These thoughts and more go through your head. Your not alone!

If you have read my ramblings, first thank you and secondly, you really need to start living again!

There is a great joy in life. Plenty to be thankful for and there are others in your shoes right now or that have been there. Tell! Tell whoever will listen! Vent! It feels good! I admit I look back with sorrow and a heavy heart of the things I went through. I share because I feel more courageous now then ever!

If this is the first time you have been here, my situation may be different then yours. In many ways it is the same. My abuser thought it was funny or just denied he ever:

Raped me
Choked me
Held knives to my body
Threatened to kill me or our children and there was a time he threatened to kill our pets
He spit on me
Kicked me
Pushed me down the stairs and out of a moving car/truck
Punched me
Called me names
Spanked me
BDSM
Attempted to run me over with a car
Smother me with a pillow while I was sleeping
Keep me awake at night for days on end
White glove the house to make sure it was clean
Various punishments if I disobeyed him or didn't stand up for him during family arguments in presence of others
Hired someone to kill me for $4,000.00- I had the persons involved come forward and sign statements at police station but he was never charged
Arranged for my son to burn my apartment down and kill me with knives as I slept
Arranged for my son to instigate a fight at court house with my then fiance

And more. . .

I am cautious, even now. I am living a new life then I was. It was not easy. It was was scary! Sometimes the judicial system is just as frightening! You can survive, but never let your guard down. Make sure you let someone know of your plans or happenings. Check in with family or a trusted friend. When you feel depressed, call someone! Call a hot line, clergy member, law enforcement agent, or perhaps get professional help. There is no shame in using these, and they could save your life.

Make a plan of escape or a list to get your life back on track! Keep a listing of calls, texts, email, voice mails or snail mail! Leave a paper trail! If need be ask for a Protective Order for you/children! Give copies to a friend or family member. Give code words to kids if something is not right. Arm your children with strength and knowledge that if a visit with Mom/Dad is scary or not right. Or maybe Mom/Dad told them not to tell you about something that happened while visiting. Please let a law official know! Or maybe your child(ren) is frightened to share with you. If you have someone they trust that is a outside member of your circle, encourage them to open up if there is ever a need to. I encourage you to view my other posts safety for you and your family. Do something to empower you.

Stay safe Dear Blog reader! Prayers for you and your loved ones!

Blessings and Love,
Mel

Is your life worth more then a toaster?

I have talked with men and women that amaze me. I'm talking I'm floored that out of 10 people 6 stay because they don't want the abuser to get stuff or the house or car, etc. . .

Seriously!?

Is your life worth the toaster? How about your other "things"?

As hard as it is to swallow these things can be REPLACED! YOU can NOT be!

I admit to wonder how terrible a person must be suffering if they are staying in any sort of abusive relationship due to things. I can understand staying for fear, hope that he/she will change or worries over no place to live, or lack of money. But to stay because you don't want that so and so to get the house or the car. What are you thinking?!

Abuse is a serious matter. If you are living in fear. LEAVE with your dignity and LIFE!

Now, if you are staying in an abusive relationship because you are fearful or worried that you can't because of no money or what will everyone think. Consider those victims that have lost they're lives. The most dangerous time is right after you leave. Not to scare you, but the abuser thrives on making a victim continue to be a victim. They don't care about the silverware, they don't care about the kids. Most Gaslighters/Narcs care about them and them alone!

You have to be ready to make the jump, when you know it's time. No one can make you leave. No one can tell you to leave unless your ready. I can and have talked until I have been blue in the face to victims and until they are ready they stay. Something "has" to happen to make the victim say "Enough is enough". Sadly, this can be at the dangerous cost to the lives of the victim or victim's child(ren) or pet.

After you gather your courage to finally leave and not come back or allow him/her to come back. You will cry, get angry at yourself and abuser, or depression. Don't feel bad if you need to reach out for professional help! Do what you can to get yourself help for support or just to vent.

Contact a shelter, clergy person, friend or medical professional to help. Depending on the situation consider strongly contacting the local law enforcement about your plans of leaving or let them know of the situation so they can patrol your area. That is what they are paid to do! You are not bothering them! File police reports! File protective orders for you and your child(ren).

Take EVERY threat seriously. Keep every text, IM, email, VM or letter from your abuser for legal purposes. Leave a paper trail! Make copies and entrust a friend or family member of your situation.
Don't go anywhere alone or without telling someone where you are going.

If you are doing parental visit do so at a public location. Alert the police and ask them to sit or patrol the area. Be safe! You have to be 2 steps ahead of your abuser. Be situational aware at all times. Even if you are just checking the mailbox or walking in a parking lot.

If you have kids with your abuser, please let the school/teachers know what is going on. Bring them copies of Protective orders. Do what you have to do to keep yourself and your children safe! (pets)

Look online for youtube videos on Self defense or find out if your community is offering a class in safety. If you are using pepper spray, gun, stun gun or some other type of item to protect yourself find information on how to properly use the item or you may have to find out if you need to be licensed to carry some protective items.

Remember you are worthy of a safe life! You are not a dumb person nor are you stupid. You can have a great life that is safe. I won't lie about my life. I'm very cautious and have to be. I value the lives of my children and myself.

Stay safe Dear blog reader! If you are being abuse please get help or if you know someone that is being abuse be a shoulder, lift them up so they know they are not alone. Contact local law enforcement or shelters on information to find a safe place or for legal help.

God bless!

Mel

*** What am I doing now? Well, above I saved my pennies and finally got to meet some online friends from MI and one I have not seen in ages (Kristy) I'm in the red! The incredible ladies and famous Nancie, Kristy Robinett, Mary and the Sparkle gals pictured here. It was for the Gypsy Soul Retreat. The next one is in the beginning of 2014. I would like to go again!http://www.gypsysoulretreats.com/

I have recently taken a Reflexology seminar that made me look inwardly and begin to embrace my inner strength. I hope to incorporate this into my Doula business. I'm still doing Antique and vintage sales, hoping to reach out to the public about DV and abuse. Attempting to write my story but I can't seem to get the words on paper. SIGH! I'm still growing in my Christian walk, gardening, crafting, learning about herbs and edibles from the yard for eating and medicinal uses, enjoying chickens, honey bees, guinea fowl, ducks and learning about homesteading. I'm hoping to learn more about energy work as well! Enough about me! Dear blog reader I hope you can someday have a "Happily ever after". . .

Gratitude and healing

A sense of peace has hit me from time to time. I've often pondered just letting this blog go. I'm healing, physically, mentally and emotionally. Yet, I look at my stats, not for big headedness, but to realize that so many people in this world need to know they are not alone.

I don't consider myself any of the kind things that I have been told from so many blog readers. I feel I am just a woman, wife, daughter, sister, and mom. Nothing extraordinary. My guts tell me otherwise. They scream to me not to let go, to dredge up experiences and knowledge in order to spread the word about Abuse.

To let other know they can escape. They can have normalcy! They can love again or find themselves.

Baby steps. It takes time. Time does heal all wounds. Prayer and my faith in the Lord have been great for me. During this journey I have met some really wonderful people that have shared, inspired and comforted me.

Dear Blog reader, you are an amazing person! Remember that! I was once in your shoes. Is the danger out of my life? Not entirely. But I have peace that I am no longer where I was. I am no longer who I was.

If you are in a abusive situation there is HOPE! Please do not waiver in believing such.

Reach out to a friend, police officer, clergy person or call a shelter or hotline to get help. You can survive a broken relationship. Whether you partner, family member or child is abusing you, please know there is help. You have to have FAITH and leap. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life this way?

God bless!

Mel

I'm so stupid! *Updated*

Work is especially stressful, I am in Customer Service and being yelled at and cursed at from time to time is not pretty. I feel tense. Being on the phone with an angry person on the other end does not help my PTSD and ulcer. Anxiety has reared it's ugly head! And though my Supervisors say to blow it off, it is hard! I find myself nearing panic attack status. I enjoy the people! The Co-Workers are amazing people and many have way more issues then I. I almost feel bad for whining right now.




I'm grateful I have a job! I really am! I just need to learn how to de-stress. Or maybe how to deal with escalations better. I admit I crumble in a heated situation. I honestly feel I have the deer in the headlights look during one of these calls.

I had a really nasty day last week. Well, let me backtrack a bit. Over 90 days ago I blocked both my ex and son from my cell phone. I had to. The messages were nasty, heated and inappropriate. My ex had been advised by the court to only contact me via text or email or by his mom in EMERGENCY. He decided, AGAIN, to thumb his nose at authority (I don't know why this surprises me) and he texts. My son got involved by demanding to speak to his sisters. Anyway, long story shorter, the 90 days have lapsed so I start getting messages again. From my ex they are syrupy sweet- "Good night my baby girls. Daddy loves you." Or "Have a great day at school my ladies."

Even though these aren't bad, every time I see a message from him I notice a physical change in me. Terry noticed to and urged me to just block him. So, I did. A few days later my son starts with the demands about his sister. I did talk to him on the phone! I saw he called while I was at work and darned my hopeful heart! I asked how he was just just said I want to talk to my sisters. I went to your house and no one was home. I admit I was rocked back in my heels! Thoughts raced through my head about how they tracked us down! The address he gave was wrong. I blurted out it wasn't ours. AGH! I should have kept my mouth shut! \

I talked to Terry about the call. In the mean time several days later the girls did talk to him. They had a pleasant conversation. Though my youngest daughter flipped out after talking to him.Nothing bad was said, but she reverted to more of a scared rabbit behavior.

OK, fine. We got through the call. Subsequently, a few days later another few text messages come through.  I responded back. BIG MISTAKE! A heated exchange took place, on his part, he said some really hurtful things. I was a mess for the reminder of the day at work. I had missed a call from a dear friend earlier and called her back afterwards.

I heard her voice and she seemed to have sensed something, by the way she is a also a Survivor of abuse. We call to check on one another or email from time to time. She has been such an inspiration for me! I had played it cool and then the flood gates opened and I couldn't stop blubbering about the exchange with my son. She put me at ease with some kind words and prayers.

In the mean time, I did something so stupid over the exchange with my son. I invited him to church.

Huh?

Mel? What's up with that? Why is that bad you ask?

My son and his dad are not allowed to know where we live for safety issues. Well my big mouth invited my son to church. Now, I'm terrified they will show up or stalk the parking lot. Tomorrow is going to be a really scary day. We now have to watch our backs.

All these thoughts are racing through my head! What if he places a tracking device on our car? What if he has someone follow us? What if someone shoots us from a long distance? What if my son attacks us? Or hurts his little brother? All of that due to the brainwashing from his dad.

I miss my older son terribly. I miss his smile. I miss his quirky sense of humor. I miss him.




So, now, I feel so dumb!All my words of practicing what I preach out the door! *POOF!*

I continued to beat myself up this week. Dreading tomorrow. . .

Blessings my Dear Reader! Remember thing like the above is something NOT TO DO. SIGH!
Mel

*************************************************

Sunday came and went without any problems. We had our eyes on the parking lot and I was so paranoid that I really didn't get to listen to the sermon. My mind was totally off. To make matters more interesting my oldest daughter had a stomach ache and then she had a panic attack. Then she threw up. Now that took my mind off things! Thanks for the well wishes!

A letter to 16 year old me

Mel,

You are confused about where your life is heading. You have big dreams and plans. Don’t give up on them, but if they do fall by the wayside, remember you can do whatever you set your mind to. When you have a feeling in your gut, go with it.

Follow your instincts. Trust yourself and don’t give into passion right now.

Live life and enjoy it. Savor everything you are right now. If someone pressures you or tells you they will hurt your family, tell someone! If someone claims to love you or they will hurt themselves if you don’t stay. Leave anyway and let someone know. 

Things are not as grim as they seem and you will survive. You will get through it. No matter how terrible the situation. Remember to keep praying to God, He will get you through.

I know you will make it through. I promise you the road you are traveling on will open up to a world that you have never known. It may not be what you planned for but it will be filled with the most love you have never received before.

Your will love the adventure. Stay safe. . . 

Blessings & Love,

Me