A little about me

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Brook, IN, United States
Abuse doesn't stop at the court room. Melinda has shared her battles in her life and through the court room as she navigates through the legal system Bringing encouragement, insight and empowerment to those that are in a abusive relationship. She is in the process of creating a new life, speaking engagements to "Break the Silence" of abuse, while putting a face to abuse. She is currently working on writing a book about her experiences as a Survivor.View short Bio here- https://www.patheos.com/blogs/ahappymedium/2013/02/notbrokenbutbrave/

Monday, December 16, 2013

White lights on a Christmas tree and positive affirmations


Now I haven't lost my mind. . . Yet! What do white lights on a tree have to do with anything?! On my path to healing my spirit, there are glimpses of my past. Hurts and these dang burning memories that come bubbling up like water from a spring from the desert. 

We are decorating for Christmas, we were gifted a Christmas tree that someone was going to throw away at the end of yard sale this past summer. Terry was so proud of his find and he didn't have to rummage through the trash! (A playful jab because I am the Queen of trash re-purposing- a gentle title I like to use rather then garbage picker)The only thing wrong with the tree is the lights aren't working, so he very patiently at checking and changing each light. 

As we had surveyed his work last night, thus far, and while admiring the tree, I trailed off in mid "Your doing a awesome job!" and must have had a funny look on my face because he thought something was wrong. I replied that I just realized that I had never had a Christmas tree with white lights! 

My ex had hated the way white lights look on a tree and I was not allowed to hang anything but multicolored lights on the tree! EVER! Now those lights had to be strung by wrapping each branch with lights. I would have over 1,000+ lights on the tree! It would take me hours to get the tree done. No short cuts while doing this or I would have to start all over in his presence.
  
As I mentioned in previous posts I began to dislike the holidays. So, last night was like reopening an old scab. When these thoughts or memories come up I have found opening my heart and feelings to my loved ones or blogging has helped me tremendously.  

Anytime I start bad mouthing myself, oh yes Dear Blog reader, you can put yourself down! That inner voice that holds you hostage by calling you names, making you feel worthless and weak. So when I find myself trash talking about myself, I pause, pray and say positive affirmations. I look in the mirror and remind myself that I am safe. I am a child of God. 
I am beautiful. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of happiness and joy! 

It can be hard to look yourself in the eye and tell you these things and you may even feel silly.  After time these will become really great mantras! Or create your own. 

Almost 5 years that we started this journey, while it is not the end to the craziness, the beginning of this wonderful, hair raising adventure makes me appreciate the small things in life. The sound of silence in the morning, actually conversations and laughter in our home. Love and companionship with my now husband, Terry. 

Don't give up hope Dear Blog reader, you can be free! Whether it is the realization of the color of the lights on your Christmas tree or how you live your life day to day. There can be happiness. It is a rough ride, tears, and sometimes scary. But all in all it has been worth it! No regrets and no apologizes.

If you are in a abusive relationship or know someone that is, please get them help! Surf the web for one of the many national and local organizations that can direct you to safety. Feel free to view some tips on safety tips and more here. 

God bless! Stay safe!
Mel
*Find me here- hopewhentherewasnone on FB or healingheartsreflexology- Soon offering Emotional release (Young Living essential oils) and more! Also collecting toiletries for  local Shelter- St. Jude House in Crown Point, IN. I do have a booth space at Treasures Hidden in Lowell, IN where 10% of proceeds will go to St. Jude House.



Sunday, December 1, 2013

In the midst of chaos

First let me say that if you are reading this blog, I'm sorry. I pray God gives you strength to carry on. I pray that you don't just give up or give in. That you dust yourself off and stand tall. Though it seems grim, dark or impossible there is a ray of light at the end of the chaos.

I have leaned of the Lord to get me through my life. I was abused as a young child, and a counselor believes I may have been sexual abused as well. Being a victim seems to be a pattern in my life at various cycles. But, it can be broken! I'm asking you go put your faith in God. Whatever your faith or whatever being you believe in, you have to place faith that you will get through this.

You are worthy of a life worth living. You are beautiful in the sight of God. Now I normally don't preach about religion, but I receive emails from time to time asking how do you do it? Or what is your secret to keep going? How are you so brave?

To be honest, my emotions are a swirl of anger, bitterness and sadness. I had to give all of it to the Lord. He is greater then these things earthbound. Also, I was blessed to be surrounded with angels both spiritually, family, friends and to have found a partner that builds me up, encourages me to grow.

I pray all the time! I pray for not only  my situation, but for others, our world, our nation and those in my life. I journal, blog and tell anyone about our story. I don't wish it to end here. I someday hope to get speaking engagements to discuss this subject in schools or groups. I have looked around to do so but do need either, training via a Women's shelter (that irked me I had first hand experience on how to deal with abuse!) or a education as a counselor or mental health field or a book. Now the book is something I have been going back and forth about because I'm unsure of myself and scared. Yup, I still get scared or terrified that my ex will try to sabotage something, kill me or send my eldest son to kill me or my new husband and youngest son.

After close to 5 years my abuser still looks for me/us. He still reaches out to my family and friends to inquire, rant and bash me.

Everything I whine or go on about here are things I practice, do or have looked into. I like to think that I practice what I preach!

I do the Positive affirmations. I talk to other survivors about what they are going through or ask thoughts on my situation. I read my Bible! I read self help books to help me with my spirit, self esteem and to help me heal myself. I cleanse our home with sage, oils and prayer. I take baths in sea salt or do a Salt glow to rid me of negativity.

I use crystals, essential oils, Bach Flowers (Rescue Remedy) garden, find things that soothe my soul and broken spirit. I am teaching myself dozens of things to help me grow in mind and body. (I'm trying to learn to meditate but my brain thinks about everything under the sun or think about the housework that needs to get done) I do these things to get my mind from running away from me about my situation.

I have seen a handful of counselors, overall I don't believe in them. Sorry! I am not on medication. I did that route. It was not for me. Not saying for others not to see or use medications to get through. I'm saying I did not feel it was best for me. I don't like the side effects of drugs. Now, for others this is the way to go and if it works for you then that is fantastic! I use visualization to get me through my PTSD symptoms or a bag works. I talk myself down during these times and pray. I plead the blood of Christ in my life A LOT!

Anytime the house seems alive with bad energy, I cleanse it. Much to the eye rolling of the kids and hubby. They go with it because the mood after I do so is lighter! I don't consider myself a "New Age person" but I am open minded to everything. I am a believer in God. He gives me strength!

I can ramble on and on.

Dearest? Please consider opening your heart to the Lord. If you are already a follower and are saved then don't lose faith the God is with you. Let Him work in your life. Give Him your worries!

It takes faith. You have to have faith. Before you open your mouth, act in a situation or even start your day, before you jump out of bed ask God to guidance. You are never to old for a happily ever after. Nor are you unworthy enough to call upon angels or God to help you through these tough times! I'm praying for you!

Now, God still wants you to act and be diligent to keep yourself safe. Don't shut yourself in the house and never leave, becoming a hermit. Take steps to protect yourself at all times!

Take a self defense class!

Leave a paper trail- emails, voice mails, text messages from your ex or even first hand accounts written by you or someone that has witnessed the abuse.

Practice self awareness while you are out.

Don't see your ex without someone else being present. And if you have to see your ex do so in a PUBLIC  SETTING! Call the police and let them know of the situations and that you would like an officer present during visitation exchanges or just because you don't feel comfortable. That's they're job!

Keep an emergency phone or change on you to make a call!

Let a trusted friend or family member know where you are at all times. I know you don't want to feel like a child but this could be life saving!

Try the other tips found in the blog to stay safe.

Learn to love yourself again!

Prayers, blessings and love Dear Blog reader! Stay safe!
Mel

*Side note- If you have any questions about God, faith, prayer or anything please feel free to contact me at hopewhentherewasnone@gmail.com . Or visit- http://purewordsoftruth.com/ for information about the Lord.*


Sunday, November 3, 2013

Me 4 years ago

I barely resemble the "Me" I was what feels so long ago. I have put on more then a few pounds. I feel much better in my own skin. I am free to be me!

An amazing transformation takes place when you leave an abuser. Not right away, first there maybe tears, anger, fear and regret~ in no particular order. Your self esteem is in the toilet, there maybe passing thoughts of a real love that may stroll into your life down the road.

"Can I do this on my own?"

"I can't afford to leave, maybe I'll let him think about it and he/she will change."

"What are the neighbors or friends or church or co-workers think?"

"Why is he/she telling everyone lies or that I am the cause or the break up?!"

These thoughts and more go through your head. Your not alone!

If you have read my ramblings, first thank you and secondly, you really need to start living again!

There is a great joy in life. Plenty to be thankful for and there are others in your shoes right now or that have been there. Tell! Tell whoever will listen! Vent! It feels good! I admit I look back with sorrow and a heavy heart of the things I went through. I share because I feel more courageous now then ever!

If this is the first time you have been here, my situation may be different then yours. In many ways it is the same. My abuser thought it was funny or just denied he ever:

Raped me
Choked me
Held knives to my body
Threatened to kill me or our children and there was a time he threatened to kill our pets
He spit on me
Kicked me
Pushed me down the stairs and out of a moving car/truck
Punched me
Called me names
Spanked me
BDSM
Attempted to run me over with a car
Smother me with a pillow while I was sleeping
Keep me awake at night for days on end
White glove the house to make sure it was clean
Various punishments if I disobeyed him or didn't stand up for him during family arguments in presence of others
Hired someone to kill me for $4,000.00- I had the persons involved come forward and sign statements at police station but he was never charged
Arranged for my son to burn my apartment down and kill me with knives as I slept
Arranged for my son to instigate a fight at court house with my then fiance

And more. . .

I am cautious, even now. I am living a new life then I was. It was not easy. It was was scary! Sometimes the judicial system is just as frightening! You can survive, but never let your guard down. Make sure you let someone know of your plans or happenings. Check in with family or a trusted friend. When you feel depressed, call someone! Call a hot line, clergy member, law enforcement agent, or perhaps get professional help. There is no shame in using these, and they could save your life.

Make a plan of escape or a list to get your life back on track! Keep a listing of calls, texts, email, voice mails or snail mail! Leave a paper trail! If need be ask for a Protective Order for you/children! Give copies to a friend or family member. Give code words to kids if something is not right. Arm your children with strength and knowledge that if a visit with Mom/Dad is scary or not right. Or maybe Mom/Dad told them not to tell you about something that happened while visiting. Please let a law official know! Or maybe your child(ren) is frightened to share with you. If you have someone they trust that is a outside member of your circle, encourage them to open up if there is ever a need to. I encourage you to view my other posts safety for you and your family. Do something to empower you.

Stay safe Dear Blog reader! Prayers for you and your loved ones!

Blessings and Love,
Mel



Monday, October 21, 2013

Is your life worth more then a toaster?

I have talked with men and women that amaze me. I'm talking I'm floored that out of 10 people 6 stay because they don't want the abuser to get stuff or the house or car, etc. . .

Seriously!?

Is your life worth the toaster? How about your other "things"?

As hard as it is to swallow these things can be REPLACED! YOU can NOT be!

I admit to wonder how terrible a person must be suffering if they are staying in any sort of abusive relationship due to things. I can understand staying for fear, hope that he/she will change or worries over no place to live, or lack of money. But to stay because you don't want that so and so to get the house or the car. What are you thinking?!

Abuse is a serious matter. If you are living in fear. LEAVE with your dignity and LIFE!

Now, if you are staying in an abusive relationship because you are fearful or worried that you can't because of no money or what will everyone think. Consider those victims that have lost they're lives. The most dangerous time is right after you leave. Not to scare you, but the abuser thrives on making a victim continue to be a victim. They don't care about the silverware, they don't care about the kids. Most Gaslighters/Narcs care about them and them alone!

You have to be ready to make the jump, when you know it's time. No one can make you leave. No one can tell you to leave unless your ready. I can and have talked until I have been blue in the face to victims and until they are ready they stay. Something "has" to happen to make the victim say "Enough is enough". Sadly, this can be at the dangerous cost to the lives of the victim or victim's child(ren) or pet.

After you gather your courage to finally leave and not come back or allow him/her to come back. You will cry, get angry at yourself and abuser, or depression. Don't feel bad if you need to reach out for professional help! Do what you can to get yourself help for support or just to vent.

Contact a shelter, clergy person, friend or medical professional to help. Depending on the situation consider strongly contacting the local law enforcement about your plans of leaving or let them know of the situation so they can patrol your area. That is what they are paid to do! You are not bothering them! File police reports! File protective orders for you and your child(ren).

Take EVERY threat seriously. Keep every text, IM, email, VM or letter from your abuser for legal purposes. Leave a paper trail! Make copies and entrust a friend or family member of your situation.
Don't go anywhere alone or without telling someone where you are going.

If you are doing parental visit do so at a public location. Alert the police and ask them to sit or patrol the area. Be safe! You have to be 2 steps ahead of your abuser. Be situational aware at all times. Even if you are just checking the mailbox or walking in a parking lot.

If you have kids with your abuser, please let the school/teachers know what is going on. Bring them copies of Protective orders. Do what you have to do to keep yourself and your children safe! (pets)

Look online for youtube videos on Self defense or find out if your community is offering a class in safety. If you are using pepper spray, gun, stun gun or some other type of item to protect yourself find information on how to properly use the item or you may have to find out if you need to be licensed to carry some protective items.

Remember you are worthy of a safe life! You are not a dumb person nor are you stupid. You can have a great life that is safe. I won't lie about my life. I'm very cautious and have to be. I value the lives of my children and myself.

Stay safe Dear blog reader! If you are being abuse please get help or if you know someone that is being abuse be a shoulder, lift them up so they know they are not alone. Contact local law enforcement or shelters on information to find a safe place or for legal help.

God bless!
Mel

*** What am I doing now? Well, above I saved my pennies and finally got to meet some online friends from MI and one I have not seen in ages (Kristy) I'm in the red! The incredible ladies and famous Nancie, Kristy Robinett, Mary and the Sparkle gals pictured here. It was for the Gypsy Soul Retreat. The next one is in the beginning of 2014. I would like to go again!http://www.gypsysoulretreats.com/

I have recently taken a Reflexology seminar that made me look inwardly and begin to embrace my inner strength. I hope to incorporate this into my Doula business. I'm still doing Antique and vintage sales, hoping to reach out to the public about DV and abuse. Attempting to write my story but I can't seem to get the words on paper. SIGH! I'm still growing in my Christian walk, gardening, crafting, learning about herbs and edibles from the yard for eating and medicinal uses, enjoying chickens, honey bees, guinea fowl, ducks and learning about homesteading. I'm hoping to learn more about energy work as well! Enough about me! Dear blog reader I hope you can someday have a "Happily ever after". . .

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Gratitude and healing

A sense of peace has hit me from time to time. I've often pondered just letting this blog go. I'm healing, physically, mentally and emotionally. Yet, I look at my stats, not for big headedness, but to realize that so many people in this world need to know they are not alone.

I don't consider myself any of the kind things that I have been told from so many blog readers. I feel I am just a woman, wife, daughter, sister, and mom. Nothing extraordinary. My guts tell me otherwise. They scream to me not to let go, to dredge up experiences and knowledge in order to spread the word about Abuse.

To let other know they can escape. They can have normalcy! They can love again or find themselves.

Baby steps. It takes time. Time does heal all wounds. Prayer and my faith in the Lord have been great for me. During this journey I have met some really wonderful people that have shared, inspired and comforted me.

Dear Blog reader, you are an amazing person! Remember that! I was once in your shoes. Is the danger out of my life? Not entirely. But I have peace that I am no longer where I was. I am no longer who I was.

If you are in a abusive situation there is HOPE! Please do not waiver in believing such.

Reach out to a friend, police officer, clergy person or call a shelter or hotline to get help. You can survive a broken relationship. Whether you partner, family member or child is abusing you, please know there is help. You have to have FAITH and leap. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life this way?

God bless!

Mel

Saturday, August 31, 2013

I'm so stupid! *Updated*

Work is especially stressful, I am in Customer Service and being yelled at and cursed at from time to time is not pretty. I feel tense. Being on the phone with an angry person on the other end does not help my PTSD and ulcer. Anxiety has reared it's ugly head! And though my Supervisors say to blow it off, it is hard! I find myself nearing panic attack status. I enjoy the people! The Co-Workers are amazing people and many have way more issues then I. I almost feel bad for whining right now.




I'm grateful I have a job! I really am! I just need to learn how to de-stress. Or maybe how to deal with escalations better. I admit I crumble in a heated situation. I honestly feel I have the deer in the headlights look during one of these calls.

I had a really nasty day last week. Well, let me backtrack a bit. Over 90 days ago I blocked both my ex and son from my cell phone. I had to. The messages were nasty, heated and inappropriate. My ex had been advised by the court to only contact me via text or email or by his mom in EMERGENCY. He decided, AGAIN, to thumb his nose at authority (I don't know why this surprises me) and he texts. My son got involved by demanding to speak to his sisters. Anyway, long story shorter, the 90 days have lapsed so I start getting messages again. From my ex they are syrupy sweet- "Good night my baby girls. Daddy loves you." Or "Have a great day at school my ladies."

Even though these aren't bad, every time I see a message from him I notice a physical change in me. Terry noticed to and urged me to just block him. So, I did. A few days later my son starts with the demands about his sister. I did talk to him on the phone! I saw he called while I was at work and darned my hopeful heart! I asked how he was just just said I want to talk to my sisters. I went to your house and no one was home. I admit I was rocked back in my heels! Thoughts raced through my head about how they tracked us down! The address he gave was wrong. I blurted out it wasn't ours. AGH! I should have kept my mouth shut! \

I talked to Terry about the call. In the mean time several days later the girls did talk to him. They had a pleasant conversation. Though my youngest daughter flipped out after talking to him.Nothing bad was said, but she reverted to more of a scared rabbit behavior.

OK, fine. We got through the call. Subsequently, a few days later another few text messages come through.  I responded back. BIG MISTAKE! A heated exchange took place, on his part, he said some really hurtful things. I was a mess for the reminder of the day at work. I had missed a call from a dear friend earlier and called her back afterwards.

I heard her voice and she seemed to have sensed something, by the way she is a also a Survivor of abuse. We call to check on one another or email from time to time. She has been such an inspiration for me! I had played it cool and then the flood gates opened and I couldn't stop blubbering about the exchange with my son. She put me at ease with some kind words and prayers.

In the mean time, I did something so stupid over the exchange with my son. I invited him to church.

Huh?

Mel? What's up with that? Why is that bad you ask?

My son and his dad are not allowed to know where we live for safety issues. Well my big mouth invited my son to church. Now, I'm terrified they will show up or stalk the parking lot. Tomorrow is going to be a really scary day. We now have to watch our backs.

All these thoughts are racing through my head! What if he places a tracking device on our car? What if he has someone follow us? What if someone shoots us from a long distance? What if my son attacks us? Or hurts his little brother? All of that due to the brainwashing from his dad.

I miss my older son terribly. I miss his smile. I miss his quirky sense of humor. I miss him.




So, now, I feel so dumb!All my words of practicing what I preach out the door! *POOF!*

I continued to beat myself up this week. Dreading tomorrow. . .

Blessings my Dear Reader! Remember thing like the above is something NOT TO DO. SIGH!
Mel

*************************************************

Sunday came and went without any problems. We had our eyes on the parking lot and I was so paranoid that I really didn't get to listen to the sermon. My mind was totally off. To make matters more interesting my oldest daughter had a stomach ache and then she had a panic attack. Then she threw up. Now that took my mind off things! Thanks for the well wishes!

Monday, August 5, 2013

A letter to 16 year old me


Mel,

You are confused about where your life is heading. You have big dreams and plans. Don’t give up on them, but if they do fall by the wayside, remember you can do whatever you set your mind to. When you have a feeling in your gut, go with it.

Follow your instincts. Trust yourself and don’t give into passion right now.

Live life and enjoy it. Savor everything you are right now. If someone pressures you or tells you they will hurt your family, tell someone! If someone claims to love you or they will hurt themselves if you don’t stay. Leave anyway and let someone know. 

Things are not as grim as they seem and you will survive. You will get through it. No matter how terrible the situation. Remember to keep praying to God, He will get you through.
I know you will make it through. I promise you the road you are traveling on will open up to a world that you have never known. It may not be what you planned for but it will be filled with the most love you have never received before.

Your will love the adventure. Stay safe. . . 

Blessings & Love,
Me



Sunday, May 19, 2013

Computers, cell phones and safety revisit

I chatted briefly with someone about her daughters experience with an abusive relationship and how the madness continued after she bravely left. He continued to stalk her, show up at work, threaten her, call/text non-stop. Luckily he was found guilty of stalking and is now serving sentence in another state.

She mentioned that he knew her email, passwords and private contact info. He went through her address book and emailed everyone, sending nasty messages, opening accounts in her name and finding out where her whereabouts were by looking at her message and social media pages. He was able to harass friends and family by pretending he was her.

He also was able to close utilities, credit cards and drained her bank account. He changed all passwords on all accounts, leaving her frustrated, scared and upset.

What would you do? This isn't the first time I have heard of these, I myself have first hand experience and several others have went through similar events.

If you are planning on keeping the computer/laptop. Back it up, use Restore disks that came with your computer and wipe it clean. Use a professional if you need to, but if you have the disks you can do it for free, it just costs you a little time to put install everything. This could save you a lot of financial heartache or physical safety! If you can afford it buy a new computer/laptop/cell phone.

Keystroke programs and GPS tracking are very popular with Abusers so, change ALL passwords for EVERY account. Alert your major credit cards, banks, utilities of your situation. Many businesses will place a password on your account. Contact credit bureaus as well. They can note all strange or pricey purchases and stop whoever it is at the store or online shop.

Turn off any GPS features on your cellphone if it is still tied to your ex. When taking a picture with your phone remember this does let anyone know where you are by mapping coordinates. Change your cell number.

Be smarter then your abuser. Think like a detective. Alert your friends, family, work and places you frequent of the break up. If he/she is stalking you please let police know the situation, don't be afraid to ask them to patrol your area more from time to time. They are not the bad guys! Leave a paper trail of police reports and incidents. (Stalking, harassing calls or numerous text messages)

Be proactive about knowing your surrounding. Let someone know of your whereabouts, even if your running out for gas or for milk. Stop Twittering or Fb or whatever social media outlet you use about who you are seeing or where you are going over the weekend or through your day.

If you plan on moving and are in a legal fight, ask if you can have your address private, or if you leave without telling anyone where you are (Not recommended there are some legal reasons that can have YOU charged as a criminal or if you have kids you could potentially lose them). Since I am not an attorney please ask for legal advice or if you have an advocate that deals in abusive situations please ask protocol.

If the above situation applies to you, get a P.O. Box. Make your phone number unlisted or use a throw away phone that allows your abuser access if you absolutely need to. Give him/her a different email address and let him know that you that you will reply in 24 hrs, unless emergency.

"An emergency on his/her part, does NOT make an emergency for on mine!" Great mantra!

Before you leave make copies of:

Every bills
Paystubs
3 years Income taxes
Birth certificates
Social Security cards
Marriage certificate
Immigration papers
Lawsuit info
Financial accounts
Medical records
Copies of computer back up
Phone lists and addresses
Photos
School records
Insurance- Home, business, auto and health
Keys

Save your pennies and enlist a good friend to keep a stash of cash for you. I was sending my copies and cash to a family member via US Mail before I left.

This is a small list. Please refer to past blog posts on Safety list and Safety. This is YOUR life! Reclaim it! There can be happiness after this. Believe and have Faith!

God bless!
Prayers for you Dear Blog reader and for those that are standing by someone that is in a abusive situation.

Love and Light,
Mel





Thursday, April 25, 2013

Get over it already!

It can be quite easy for someone that hasn't walked in your shoes to tell you how you should feel. Whether it is a few weeks or months or maybe years since you have been through your abuse.

Everyone seems to have an opinion on when you should been done healing or they may ask you why you feel compelled to keep bringing up the subject of your past.

"Why can't you just drop it?"
"Why don't you just move on already?"

You may get some eye rolling or deep sighs from the person you are sharing your feelings with. Soon, you just clam up holding so many of the hurts inside.

It can be very hard for somebody else to understand the in's, out's up's and down's of being a victim or a survivor of abuse of any sort. I've gotten... "I understand" when I know the person had never been effected directly or indirectly by abuse. There has been times I wanted to shout, "How could you?!" or "Seriously?!", I do tuck those aside as most people do not really know how to answer or help when there is a situation that is out of the norm.

People love to give advice or hear gossip, but when it is something that is outside the normal comfort zone you can have problems.You finally open up to someone that may have pestered you for what is going on in your life and you may leave them dumbfounded, amazed or speechless.

I can't prepare you for what is going to happen during your journey (Hopefully you are on the path of healing and safety). I can share my own opinions and they seem to have really evolved since I began this incredible path that has been filled stumbling blocks, set-backs, fear, discouragement, joy, happiness, hope and faith.

I've mentioned many times that it isn't easy to leave an abuser. There is no abuse worse then another. There is not right or wrong time to make the jump to leave or kick him/her out. You will know in your heart, things will fall into place that point to what the right decision for you is.

I have read many cases where the abuser is using drugs or alcohol and once they get off the habit the person changes into a great person with no other patterns of abuse. Now, these are very rare and slim chances. I do not want to give anyone a reason to stay with their abuser for hope of change. I do not want to say one way or another this will work for every substance abuse relationship. If it does or did that is terrific! Blessings to you and your partner!

I also do not want to say that something earth shattering may happen to your abuser and they will forever change their behavior for the better. Put that aside. Think about you. Your abuser no matter what the situation is responsible for his/her behavior. Take off your Mom/Dad cap and let this person know or let them go to make the decisions they need to make for the path they want to keep on.

You need to think about you.

Ask yourself a few questions:

Where do you see yourself in a year?
Alive? Dead from your abuser or suicide?

Will you still be in the same relationship? Maybe feeling stuck or scared or hopeless.

What do you want out of life?

Do you honestly want to live the rest of your life this way? (Scared or suffering?)

If you have children, please think of them. If you see that one of your children maybe seeing someone that is abusive or may themselves be an abuser what would you do? Our children do have a tendency to pick up the abusive patterns. The amazing transformation of a broken spirit can be awesome! It doesn't happen overnight, so please do not shake your head and think that I must be smoking funny cigarettes because it has been years since you may have left your abuser and your child maybe pretty rough around the edges.

It may take years of counseling or talking to caring friends or family to heal. Children seem to have a tougher time healing after an abusive relationship. They are too immature to explain or vent about how the abuse affected them. Don't be surprised to see aggression, confusion, head banging, running away, verbal abuse, cutting, crying, depression, anxieties, withdrawing from you and more.

Like yourself, they need time to heal. Healing is slow. It can be frustrating. And that is my professional opinion as a Jack of all trades. I am not a therapist or counselor. I have read much on the subject, spoke to various professionals (Legal and Medical) and of course my own first hand experience.

The raw emotions in the beginning after leaving the abusive relationship are very strong! They can be overwhelming! (I never did wear the Rudolph the booger nose reindeer look well) Believe or not they will pass as time goes by. And if you plan to live a charmed life soon after leaving your abuser, though that sounds lovely, in reality you may be dealing with someone that threatens your life or your children or is stalking you and the legal circus could have you in tears.

So my Dear Blog reader, I am not sharing any of this to intimidate you, or cause you to think, "Maybe I'll just stay with Joe/Jane Doe to save myself the trouble or problems."

The road to recovery and freedom from abuse by far outweighs where you are now. Knowing that you can survive from this and you will survive should inspire you to stay strong.

OK, enough of the pep talks! If you are in a super volatile situation, consider bringing in the police. Contact a shelter or check with your state or country about legal help in these matters, especially if you have children together! Safety is the primary concern!

Please check out previous posts about Safety or Leaving your abuser for suggestions or tips.

Stay safe and God bless!
Mel





Friday, April 19, 2013

Positive thoughts and affirmations!






It can be easy to slip right back into old habits or patterns once you have left your abuser. 
Sometimes these things just sneak up on you! 
Beating yourself up about these setbacks can really make you out of sorts. 
 Changing your triggers or patterns is work. 
Take baby steps and if you fall pick yourself back up.
Get yourself out of the house or try to focus on something positive.

I am a firm believer in trying something new or out of the box that may be something you have always been curious about or to do. 
Such as, taking up a hobby, traveling, or just doing something for you. 
Pray or meditate or do both. Create a Vision Board (Wish board). Start saying Positive Affirmations. Find Bible quotes that can lift you up! 
Tape yourself saying positive affirmations or Bible verses, play these when you need to remind you that you are worthy! 

Here is a neat list of affirmations and positive thoughts-


Kristy Robinett- http://www.kristyrobinett.com/

Give yourself permission to keep boundaries. Not just today, but everyday.

Peace doesn't mean silence, but finding that calmness within even when their is chaos around you.

Be gentle with yourself.

Faith begins with trust and trust begins with a hope. Hope in the unseen and of things to come, faith tells you.
 
Today my world is changing for the better. I open my awareness to my shifting reality. I allow my intuition to guide my actions to day with trust that I am guided toward my highest good.

Never be ashamed of the scars that life has left you with. A scar means the hurt is over, you endured the pain and God has healed you.

Beating yourself up over the past won't change it, now will it?

Morning Meditation-  Silence in your life is just as important as hydrating yourself with water. It is an essential in keeping your soul and spirit healthy. When was the last time you allowed your mind to wander and daydream? Today, even for just 5 minutes, allow in the silence. Shut everything off (TV, radio, net), etc and drink it in.

My possibilities are endless. I believe in myself and in my abilities. My mind is constantly producing money-making ideas. I expect great things to happen every day. My subconscious mind is my partner in success. I am brave.



www.BlogTalkRadio.com/christina-lunden

I know now I AM the creator of my life.
I create a balance between my family's needs and my personal needs.
I create a balanced, healthy body.
I create a balance between my work life and my personal life.
I create a perfect balance of money flowing into and out of my life.
I create a balance between my Earth life and my spiritual life.
I AM consciously creating all aspects of my life.
I AM relaxed in my created life, knowing what I have in my life are my choices.
As I choose to create something different, I remember I have the power to create and re-create at any time.
I AM the creator of my life!



http://www.abundancetapestry.com/101-affirmations-for-children/


101 Affirmations for Children
1. I can do whatever I focus my mind on.
2. I am awesome.
3. I am very intelligent.
4. I am a fast learner.
5. I am worthy.
6. I deeply love and accept myself.
7. I enjoy learning.
8. Learning is fun and exciting.
9. I understand the lessons taught in school completely and quickly.
10. I believe in myself and my abilities.
11. While I appreciate details, I am able to also see the big picture in things.
12. I have many gifts and talents.
13. I learn from my challenges and can always find ways to overcome them.
14. I am open to possibility.
15. I embrace my fears fully and calmly.
16. I make like-minded friends easily and naturally.
17. I am healthy and am growing up well.
18. I have persistence in what I believe in.
19. Miracles happen to me all the time.
20. I am very creative.
21. Ideas for problem solving come easily and quickly to me.
22. I am a great listener.
23. My family, friends and teachers love me for who I am.
24. I am unique and special.
25. Opportunities come to me in good time.
26. I may make mistakes sometimes but I choose to learn from them.
27. I accept myself even though I sometimes make mistakes.
28. Every day and in every way, I get better and better.
29. My intuition guides me in what I do.
30. I am calm, relaxed and peaceful.
31. I am always in the right place at the right time.
32. I enjoy being, feeling and thinking positive.
33. Problems challenge me to better myself in every way.
34. I trust myself in making great decisions.
35. I am loving kindness to all.
36. I do my best in my work and tasks.
37. I am present.
38. I trust in my ability to solve problems.
39. I enjoy my own company.
40. I accept compliments graciously and openly.
41. I am whole and complete.
42. I enjoy trying new ideas.
43. I embrace changes in peaceful, harmonious and positive ways.
44. I believe I can be whatever I want to be.
45. I can visualize very well.
46. I am vibrant and have lots of energy.
47. I am divinely protected.
48. I am kind, generous and loving.
49. I complete my school work on time every day.
50. I am deserving of love, trust and kindness.
51. I achieve great and successful results.
52. I am brave.
53. I experience beauty wherever I go.
54. I have got an awesome imagination.
55. I am able to solve problems creatively.
56. All is well in the world.
57. I am thankful for my blessings.
58. I have a healthy relationship with my teachers.
59. I choose to forgive all others for any mistakes they have done.
60. I feel confident and secure.
61. I enjoy letting events unfold in good time.
62. I have loving, positive and happy thoughts.
63. I express my ideas easily.
64. I am courageous even when things are unknown to me.
65. I reach my goals easily.
66. I am in charge of my own life.
67. I enjoy playing games with my friends.
68. I am gentle with myself.
69. I have many friends who like being near me.
70. The trees, flowers and birds are my friends.
71. I radiate love and compassion.
72. Miracles happen to me every day.
73. I am on my way to creating great wealth.
74. I am excellent in languages.
75. I am quick and accurate with Mathematics.
76. I am able to analyze and see clearly for problem solving.
77. I read, write and learn fast.
78. I absorb knowledge like a sponge and am able to apply what I have learnt.
79. I do my best for my studies.
80. I am attentive in class.
81. I am a natural in _________ (sports).
82. I am on top of my classes.
83. I enjoy challenging myself in new ideas, possibilities and directions.
84. I am a winner!
85. I turn failures into opportunities for success.
86. I handle all my responsibilities and tasks well.
87. I enjoy eating healthy snacks.
88. I love my body.
89. I am honest and trustworthy.
90. I choose to look for the best way forward for myself.
91. I am able to understand and solve complex problem sums or questions easily.
92. I enjoy experiencing life in multiple ways.
93. I love being healthy!
94. I manage my time well.
95. I like being punctual.
96. I enjoy having habits that will help me have a happy, healthy and successful life.
97. I listen to my gut or inner wisdom closely.
98. I am able to easily draw inspiration from nature and life.
99. I believe in my dreams.
100. I have an excellent memory.
101. I am Me, and I am Okay! (Words quoted from Self Esteem Poem by Psychologist Virginia Satir. Featured in my How to Love Yourself post here).


List of Positive Words


Don't forget to check out the labels for other ideas for Positive Affirmations/Vision Boards!

Stay safe!
BIG HUGS!
Mel