I hate the feeling of fear

I am getting better.

I see the effects of the past abuse with the girls. The behavior and how they perceive the world around them is so different between the two of them and just makes me feel mad as well as happy with the choice I made to leave the madness.

I have a confession. I have been feeling so nervous and worried. Oh, I know what is unusual about that? Or what else is new?

I pee'd my pants during a bad dream that I couldn't wake up from. It was about STBX and so real that I pee'd my pants in my dream and in real life. I woke up in a panic, my heart racing, sweaty and embarassed that I had to wake up Terry to announce my accident.

When does it end? When can I look at some random item and not STILL break into tears or stepback in victim mode? Breaking free of the years of programming to find myself. To be someone the girls can look back to and not remember a quivering mess of snot or panic when "he" is around or called?

Since the Protective Order has been lifted the neighbor says she see's "him" around more often. I got a call from "him" on Saturday while I was out with girls. I know it was him. No one spoke on the other line they just listened. The call came from his Mom's house and he is working on the basement. (Yes, he has been "working" on it for more then several months). He is a terrible procrastinator and in usual fashion he is taking his time. Hell's bell's if anyone ticks him off during this time because he will walk off, leaving it undone. Example is his older sister's basement in which he almost completed after too many months and then something set him off and he left them high and dry, not returning to finish.

GOSH! I'm super happy we are not living there anymore! BIG CHEESY SMILE!

I received the paperwork for the Supervised visit info and intake forms. The cost is $45.00 per hour! It can be on a sliding scale if need be and since magically his income went down over $20,000.00 in less then a year. I am sure he will be able to work out something. The visits are set up for 5 hours. The next court date is quickly approaching, no word from the GAL and of course no visitation set up yet. So I'm guessing yet another set back in the seemingly never ending divorce.

I'm so frustrated and want to throw the covers over my head, staying in bed and not leaving the house. Getting going seems to take me awhile, I'm more forgetful then ever, oh, it's little things! Forgetting things for groceries, sadly I forgot to wish my Dad Happy Birthday months ago! I forget conversations that happened 10 mins after I have had them! Age? I'm not sure but frustrated. Feeling terribly whiny and unable to just function. My exercise is on the back burner. No job prospects. Hoping to find something I can do out of the house. Maybe clean houses? Something I can do and take Mini Man with me or something I can take him with that has childcare not far away or expensive.

My Student loan is mocking me, growing in interest monthly and no nibbles. I went to an interview at a Chiropractor's office and felt really good about it. I can do the job! I swear it had my name on it! But apparently so did over 15 or 20 other people. SIGH! Hoping the Doula services would come into play soon. I have a ache and itch in my heart, knowing that something is around the corner, that I am meant to do something helpful. Even this blog has been a great thing for me, to know that other's know they are not alone in the fight to keep surviving, not only in day to day but in legal land as well.

I'm not perfect
I'm learning new things daily
I stumble often
I question myself way too much and fail to keep leaning on the Lord
I question Him (God) about my path
I don't open up enough to my loved ones
I hate confrontation
I hate fighting
I hate swearing (A nasty habit that I try not to use. I end up saying "Oh Sugar!" or "Son of a Building Block" it's all the same, still swearing! LOL!)
I am human
Many times I force a smile when I don't really want to smile at all
I try to treat others as I like to be treated
The girls and I do not have a perfect relationship (J and the rest of us frequently butt heads. She is need of definate counseling and I can't put it off anymore. She is also 13 and knows it all! I was never 13 and can't know anything of being that age and she is 13 going on 30)

I can see why many victims and survivors turn to drugs and alcohol! I don't drink often and usually split a bottle of wine with Terry during our dinner meal. More then 3 glasses and I'm giggling like crazy! I don't do more then 4 or 5 otherwise I get a "hot" feeling and I don't like that. So I have never gotten throw up drunk. YUCK! I have gotten a headache after but nothing more. OOOPPPSSS! Sorry rambling!

I was asked the question "Are you happy?" (Terry)
I have didn't know how to answer that! In the past the question was turned into:
"I hope your happy now!"
"See what you did! I hope your happy!"
"Whatever do what makes you happy"
"Does making me hit you or yell at you make you happy?"

All filled with rage. Not sincere. Not genuinely interested if I'm happy or creating happiness.
I didn't know how to really answer that at first. Took me awhile to process. I am happier. I struggle daily but yes, I am happy!

Thanks for listening!

God bless!

When will the madness end?

I'm mulitasking, sitting on my favorite chair, sipping on coffee, watching FOX News (Not the IL news channel), blogging about things that seem surreal that happen in my life. Reminded of memories of a life from almost 3 years ago where I lived stepping on eggshells daily. Never knowing if the day would take a turn for the worse or be a calm one. Even with a calm day you wait for the other shoe to drop and dread something that sets off my Gaslighter (NARC, Psychopath, Abuser, whatever you want to call him they are all appropiate.)

Sunday, I planned on heading to church, I have been lax in going lately and really felt we needed to go. Starting the day as usual above, oh I may get crazy and exercise (last week I took it off working out as my parts still are hurting from the Turkey Run adventure a few weeks back. Sorry rambling...)

STBX begins to text me, they start off nice (Surprise surprise!) Asking how I am doing, do I want to meet for coffee (Oh, yes I really want to put myself in front of the bear!) I did say No, of course that set off a firestorm of messages that I am his and since his GF left him it's my fault and unless she comes back to him I he will come get me! Also to get "Him" out so he can come over. (Him is Terry)

Oh, and he has to drop off his GF first, HUH?

He goes on and on... He hasn't changed. I wonder if the Anger Management classes went well. That is sarcasm. Sounds like the same behavior pattern from before.

Then a string of messages from our Son, which I doubt this, more like Psycho's other personality. I was still worried about many threats in the messages, so, I got A. up, J. was staying at her friends house, I texted Terry to say we were going to my Mom's and called my Sister, Mandy, to tell what was up, she said just go to Mom's (Great minds think alike). 

Terry asked what was going on. I told him R., was at it again. He called me not even 15 seconds later alarmed and knowing that my brain goes to panic mode immediately when I deal with Crazy Man. I was running around like a chicken without a head.

Terry asked if I phone the police and I whined, "No, what does it matter, they aren't going to do anything." He replied, Honey, Honey, calm down. Now what's going on? You know you need to document everytime this *%$#! pulls this kind of *#&%! He is not supposed to be texting or talking to you, per the court. Everything is through his attorney! So, call the police, as to be escorted to your car to be safe and see if you can file a police report.

He was reminding me to calm down, by this time I think he was more worked up then I! See, he is still away for work and can't just be home in a few minutes. I could picture him on the other end of the phone pacing like a Lion! I could hear the worry in his voice, which wasn't calming me down by now. I squashed the panic attack down, as now is not the time to have to deal with that! All the while I am getting dings on my phone about another text message. There ended up being 12 text messages, nasty and mean. One stating M., is going to beat Terry up until he can't walk or see, if he ever see's him. One that says I abused him and another that said, I was the one sleeping around with others and that's how we got diseased. Terry and I talked for a few more minutes and then I did as we discussed.

The police came in no time, I talked to a close person and told her the situation so she can keep an eye on our place if she was around the area. The police showed up while I was speaking to her. He took my statement, and watched as the kids and I piled in the car. On the way I left a message with Crazy Man's attorney, and I later emailed the GAL some alarming emails sent to my Sister, Mandy, later that day. Oh, yes the crazy messages were from time to time throughout the day. Cruel, mean and crazy ramblings. Enough for me not to sleep too well. I am still jumpy!

I stayed away from home almost all day yestreday, my friend called me to tell me she noticed an unmarked squad car sitting in the parking lot for quite sometime, which makes me wonder if they are going to finally take his threats seriously! So when does this end? With me missing or found a hot mess somewhere? Oh I will not go down without a fight this time. But I don't wish it to take that turn. I just want it over. I would love the judge to say, "OK, your divorced!" Then maybe Crazy Man will get the picture. I have no doubt he will be a thorn in my side for a long time. I am counting the years that I have to continue to deal with him! 6 if I'm lucky, longer if they go to college.

Maybe... Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Pray that we remain safe and for an end to our seemingly never ending divorce. I'm so desparate for closure to the divorce. I do not wish for any harm to anyone. I wish for him to realize I'm not coming back to him ever.

Why did you make him mad?!

What did you do to make him lose control?
What did you do to make him mad?
What did you say?
You know that makes him mad why did you do that?

See the trend?

You never mad him mad! You are not to blame! You did nothing to poke the bear. You have to believe this! Make this your belief or mantra, say it over and over in your mind if you are going through a tough time.

Honestly, personally I didn't want to tick him off when things became nasty. I went above and beyond to try to get things to go as smoothly as possible. Pleasing my Gaslighter was number one on my list in order to make home life tolerable. Even if it meant putting my children on hold, in his mind HE came first. As long as the kids weren't bleeding they were fine. His needs became above and beyond my time with God. "That's what Sunday is for!" he would complain, of course when Sunday came around he made the excuse that God would understand I was to spend time with him. Oh and then it was my fault for making us late to church later in the day.

Oh, sure I enjoyed getting yelled at. Sure, I just enjoyed things getting thrown at me. Sure, I enjoyed being told I was just useless for anything. My favorites, sarcasm, were the "Why do you like making me lose control?" talks. I must like being hit or abused. I must enjoy the punishment. I must get off by getting hit. I must get a thrill from being kicked or punched. SURE!


Why do you make me mad? Can't we just have a nice (Fill in the blank) once?!


Yes, right, I couldn't get enough of the psycho in my face, choking me or slapping me. I enjoyed the Indian rubs until I cried because he rubbed my skin raw while he just laughed and told me I deserve this because I made him mad. 

HE CHOOSE to do these things to me!

HE CHOOSE before he made it in the door that he was going to make the night or day miserable.

HE CHOOSE his behavior not me! 

And HE had the choice to be responsible for his behavior! He had such a thrill from berating me and the kids. He had a sense of power and control from making us cower and hide from him. Of course he would turn it around and say I turned the kids against him. I must have said something to do that! Or the whole world/family/friends are against him! What must have told them something!

What did I blog about or say to them on the phone? I must have said some kind of code words to make them question his behavior or they acted suspcious when he was around, what did I do?Leaving this man was the best thing I ever did! I should have documented the abuse! I wish I did! I know now I did nothing to provoke him or to "Make him mad". I know now that there was very little I could have done to prevent any of the events besides getting out sooner or telling police, family or friends sooner.

You didn't poke the bear! We are victims and survivors deserving real love! Real love is not abuse of any sort. Real love is not rape, beat, being mentally or emotionally abused. Real love doesn't hurt... Abusers do not know what love is! They know they crave it. They know they say the words but they don't mean it. They don't want to be alone and will say or do anything to keep you where you are! 

Time and time again shows abusers do not change! Change only happens when you take a leap of faith, believe and DON'T LOOK BACK!

Met with his atty today!

I was worried that it was a trap and STBX would be there. The meeting went well, he had four things to go over with me:
1) Custody
2) Child Support
3) Parenting Time
4) Property division

So, apparently, STBX wants to keep custody as is.

Child support is to stay as it is, though he mentioned the court may add $290 a week to my income, even though I am still out of work. HUH?! I figure "he" must be wigging out he pays too much. I did say that I WISH I had a 40 hour a week job that pays that much a week! I do have a student loan and stuck with those stinky taxes from the business recently! Oh, the atty did not even know we had businesses together...

Parenting time is still up for discussion. In order to have Parenting time the Order of Protection would need to be dropped! YIKES! I know he plans to ask for that to be dismissed. I told him the girls are terrified of STBX. He said Parenting time at Children's Treehouse one hour is supervised and safe. Any funny business and visits will be off. So if the Order is dropped not only do I have to worry about the girls safety but the rest of us too!

Property division, apparently I am entitled to his Pension and Savings through the Union. The Savings through the Union was a surprise to the Atty! STBX did not disclose this to him! He said he was going to ask the Union about that!

I mentioned the threats of violence and that STBX does not forget, he holds grudges and will get even or kill the girls. I mentioned the Murder for Hire, I mentioned the times that the police were called to visitation, I mentioned that his parents were in bad health, because he asked if that was a place we could continue to hold visits! HA! Apparently his client is not forecoming about things, SURPRISE!

He asked if there was anything else and I told him that I was going to ask for a formal psych eval. He shook his head and said this was a waste of time, and will prolong the divorce! I could do what I want but that's not what they want and he will argue that.

He was unaware we have a GAL on the case! I was informed on Monday. I plan on calling her in a few to let her know we have court. He did ask about others on the case and I did tell him that STBX threatened and scared the counselor and GAL away. No response but posture change.

Anyway he wants to get it closed, over and done with. Heck with details of the girls safety apparently!

Off topic~ I had a health scare, TMI! My results from my pap came out and I needed to phone the Dr's to get them. Great! I knew that couldn't be good! So I am already wound pretty tight! I called and finally got the results. I am HPV positive but nothing active! Yea! I probably got the virus around the time I got HSV2. Wonderful! But all my other labs for STD's came out negative! YEAH ME! I retest yearly and should be OK. WHEW! I had all these nasty thoughts run through my head... You know, you think the worst. I prayed and prayed. Thank goodness God isn't done with me yet!

Now to work on my Bible study, I missed last week in town because I was so tired and not feeling well. Yes, SuperMom is not invincible! BIG CHEESY GRIN! I may break out my glue gun or some flowers for something imaginative. Glitter always makes me happy! Sorry to ramble!

Monday is court, I wrote down a bunch of points I hope to talk about. Wish me luck! I am still nervous! Thinking positive thoughts! Until next the soap opera episode after Monday!

Children's Bill of Rights

I signed up for emails from childcentereddivorce.com. I have gained a good amount of knowledge about the divorce and separation process with regard to kids. Of course some of it is hard for us to use in our case due to the complexity and mechanics of our divorce. It isn't your average run the mill divorce! However this is still a great website to browse!
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Children's Bill of Rights
This list was composed by attorney Rob V. Robertson. It's quite comprehensive and worth reading through. If it touches a chord with you in an area in which you might want to re-think your parenting decisions, then this will be a valuable read that can positively impact your life. It's also a useful tool to spark conversation with your co-parent on the day-to-day challenges you face in parenting after divorce.
Marriage is a contract between adults, and when it ends, the matter is between the adults also. Yet no parental action has a greater impact on children. Children love their parents and want to be with them. Even in times of great stress, parents have a responsibility to conduct their legal affairs in a manner that will protect their children from adult conflicts.
At a minimum, children are entitled to the following Bill of Rights:
1. Neither parent shall deny the child reasonable use of the telephone to place and receive calls with the other parent and relatives.
2. Neither parent shall speak or write derogatory remarks about the other parent to the child, or engage in abusive, coarse or foul language, which can be overheard by the child whether or not the language involves the other parent.
3. Neither parent shall permit the children to overhear arguments, negotiations or other substantive discussions about legal or business dealings between the parents.
4. Neither parent shall physically or psychologically attempt to pressure, attempt to influence, pressure or influence the children concerning the personal opinion or position of the child concerning legal proceedings between the parents.
5. Each parent will permit the child to display photographs of the other parent or both parents in the child's room.
6. Neither parent shall communicate moral judgments about the other parent to the child concerning the other parent's choice of values, lifestyle, choice of friends, successes or failures in life (career, financial, relational) or residential choice.
7. The parents will acknowledge to the child that the child has two homes although the child may spend more time at one home than the other.
8. The parents shall cooperate to the greatest extent practicable in sharing time with the child.
9. Each parent will permit the child to retain, and allow easy access to, correspondence, greeting cards, and other written materials received from the other parent.
10. Each parent will respect the physical integrity of items possessed by the child which depict the other parent or remind the child of the other parent.
11. Neither parent will trivialize, or deny the existence of the other parent to the child.
12. Neither parent will interrogate the child about the other parent nor will either parent discourage comments by the child about the other parent.
13. Neither parent will intercept, "lose", derail, "forget" or otherwise interfere with communications to the child from the other parent.
14. Neither parent will refuse to acknowledge that the child can have or should have good experiences with the other parent.
15. Neither parent will directly or indirectly attack or criticize to the child the extended family of the other parent, the other parent's career, the living and travel arrangements of the other parent, or lawful activities of the other parent or associates of the other parent.
16. Neither parent will use the child as a "middleman" by using the child to communicate with the other parent on inappropriate topics.
17. Neither parent will undermine the other parent in the eyes of the child by engaging in the "circumstantial syndrome" which is done by manipulating, changing, or rearranging facts.
18. Neither parent will create for, or exaggerate to, the child differences between the parents.
19. Neither parent will say and do things with an eye to gaining the child as an "ally" against the other parent.
20. Neither parent will encourage or instruct the child to be disobedient to the other parent, stepparents, or relatives.
21. Neither parent will reward the child to act negatively toward the other parent.
22. Neither parent will try to make the child believe he or she loves the child more than the other parent, by, for example, saying that he or she loves the child more than the other parent or over-informing the child on adult topics or overindulging the child.
23. Neither parent will discuss child support issues with the child.
24. Neither parent will engage in judgmental, opinionated or negative commentary, physical inspections or interrogations once the child arrives from his/her other home.
25. Neither parent will "rewrite" or "re-script" facts which the child originally knows to be different.
26. Neither parent will punish the child physically or threaten such punishment in order to influence the child to adopt the parent's negative program, if any, against the other parent.
27. Neither parent will permit the child to be transported by a person who is intoxicated due to consumption of alcohol or illegal drugs.
28. Neither parent will smoke tobacco materials inside structures or vehicles occupied at the time by the child.
29. Each parent will permit the child to carry gifts, toys, clothing, and other items belonging to the child with him or her to the residence of the other parent or relatives or permit the child to take gifts, toys, clothing, and other items belonging to the child back to the residence of the other parent, as the case may be, to facilitate the child having with him or her objects, important to the child. The gifts, toys, clothing and other items belonging to the child referred to here mean items which are reasonable transportable and does not include pets (which the parents agree are impractical to move about).

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Rosalind Sedacca is founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! To access her her free resources visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

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The many faces of abuse

Painting a picture of abuse is as colorful as the a box of crayons. Sadly enough every minute there is a person that is a victim of abuse in some form or way.

Many people are in the dark as to who Domestic/Family/Emotional/Verbal/Sexual  violence or even bullying victims look like.




We are normal, not some Hollyweird picture of someone perhaps on drugs, homeless or drunk. Though some of us end up in those circumstance due to the stress or no where to go.

We are babies, children, Mom's, Grandma's, Aunt's, Uncle's (Don't forget boys and men suffering too!), Grandpa's, or cousin. What about pets? There are sad stories about animals being mistreated as well in the news!

In the women's shelter the wide variety of economic and ethinic backgrounds are across the spectrum of humanity. There were victims and survivors that were abused by daughters, sons, much older children, husband's, boyfriends, and girlfriends.

You may never really know who is a victim or survivor unless they break the silence and come forth to also break the cycle.