The Second wife

May 2007

Kat had moved in, she was in a terrible relationship, we had met her from a swinging website. Not wanting to see her dead or worse He asked her to move in. One thing led to another and they were crazy about each other. We had talked about this in the past and I thought we put this behind us. He was getting mean again, playing with my head. Threatening to hurt me, stop taking his pills or turn off the pilot light so we would die in our sleep.

I got dressed fast; I had been in the bathroom. He shut the bedroom door where she was lying in a bed he had purchased for her so she could stay and still have privacy in our home. He yanked and pushed me up the stairs he pulled my hair back as we were walking up the stairs, he was behind me so yes this was very uncomfortable. He pulled it so hard I swore I must have lost chunks of hair. He guided me to the bedroom and once we were there he ordered me to drop my pants.

I was going to get screwed since that was all I was good for. I told him no! He got mad! He grabbed me and shoved my face into the bed, I thought I was going to suffocate! I told him no again and he got madder he shoved some things around the room and left. I stood there for a minute breathless not wanting to move or to cry.

Luckily he only ripped my shirt, I was used to that, I would go through clothing like a growing child. I was nervous because I stood up to him and didn't know his reaction. I tried to act normal but 

Kat knew something had happened.

The kids thought that their father was nice only when she and her girls were around. Our son thought his Dad was a pervert. And he reminded me that his Dad had promised not to hurt me or yell at me anymore. He broke that promise in just a few short weeks.

I was losing my hair (besides the hair getting pulled out), my nails were breaking, and I wasn't feeling good at all. Despite the constant exercise and dieting I felt so worn down and tired all the time.

We talked and he didn't want to lose her, he was in love with her. He did apologize for pulling my hair and ruining another shirt. If I were a good wife why does he need another?

I felt like a failure for not being able to still make things work. I was feeling as though despite the ongoing issues that I was not living up to the vows I had said. It didn't matter that I had lost any type of feelings for him. He said he stumbled and could I please lift him up? We talked more and more.

Kat had left and she didn't come back to the house, Will had left many voice mail messages. Kat said she turned off her phone while she was at her Moms. Later that night I asked him to hold me, he tried but said it was better and more natural when he held her.  My heart felt ripped out. He hoped she would come home.

He asked if there was someone I would like to date. Did I wish to have another man that was OK, considering he had been having others?

This idea was his way to relieve himself of any guilt and to justify his behavior. There was a few guys at work he would ask if I wanted was interested.

I felt devastated, even though I was struggling to rekindle my love for him. I believed this was wrong. I voiced my opposition to this, he would call me jealous. How could this be? 

Two partners a lifelong commitment. Not Adam, Eve and Jennifer or Adam, Eve, Jennifer and Mike, etc. . . 

I asked him to give me time to adjust, I'm having a hard time watch some lady screw my husband, and heaven forbid I leave the room. I kept my eyes closed and just felt my love fade. How could you do that to someone?

I feel fat, like the ugly stepsister, this felt even more wrong. I was more confused.

He keeps bragging about how pretty she is and how I have so many marks on my body. So many things wrong with my appearance. I don't feel like I have anything to offer.

I never make the first move.

I never initiate sex.

I suddenly felt like there was a scoreboard. He calls her all the time... He used to call me. Now he calls and asks to talk to her.

In a sick twisted way I did like to have her around, he's nice when she's here. He doesn't yell or say mean things because he's trying to impress her. The weekend rolled around and his other fiance had went to her parents’ home for a few days.

This left me alone with him. I had figured I would drown my worries in a few wine coolers. I don’t drink that often, so it is not surprising that I am totally wobbly after two of them. His boss had called up to let him know about work for the next day.

When I answered the phone and must have sounded weird, I was chatting too way too much for his liking. He glared at me and gestured to punch me. I quickly handed him the phone while retreating as quick as I could away from arm’s length.

Afterward he said I laughing too much while sounding like an alcoholic on the phone.

It was very rare when I would drink anything at all. He threw his arm back to punch me and that sobered me up really fast.  He's not healed he says a lot of things but he doesn't mean them. I'm the bitch and the one causing problems. This of course was not unusual. It is rare that an abuser takes responsibility or can take things lightly.

A few days later, Kat called him to say that she was going to stay longer at her Mom’s home. Did I mention that she was still in that terrible relationship? I ended up having to “stake out” her boyfriend’s home to see what I could find out. Her car was there.

I phone to let him know the status. I didn't want to be here. This was stupid! I was disappointed to find her car there as I was still hoping in some twisted way that they could get together. After many more issues of me and the kids leaving some other Springer moments, they parted ways, but this was not the last time they had gotten together.

Spreading your wings. . .

You maybe scratching your head wondering how to gain the courage to leave your abusive situation. Thinking about your future is barely on your mind. Thoughts about just living day to day were things that I thought of after leaving my abuser.

I allowed myself daydreams from time to time. Relishing the thought of being free of any haunting nightmares, stalking or any contact with my ex.

I would envision myself a year from where I was. I thought of finding "normal". Finding a place that I would feel safe. I created a vision board filled with images, words and phrases that made me feel empowered, happy and even a bit adventurous!

Some of the images and words were simple:
Create, Dream, Envision, flowers, shiny things, Love, country type of pictures and other things that spoke to me.

I looked at it daily. I said Positive Affirmations. I continued to let myself daydream and I made a Bucket List, which included far out kind of stuff, like baking cookies, learning how to play chess, going different places (You can find my list in the Label section).

I took a break for me. I needed a breather! I read my Bible, continued to pray and at one point in my journey I forgave my abuser. That doesn't make the hurt go away but Lord, was that freeing! I felt as thought a weight was off my shoulders! I read some self help books. I allowed myself time to cry, usually when the kids were at school.

After leaving an abusive situation, everyone needs to re-learn how to live. Kids need to learn to play and imagine. Many times kids of abuse may take on a "parental role" or act grown up, and the act of playing can be hard for them. I mentioned it before in earlier blog posts about how kids can act out or symptoms of PTSD/Depression can appear months or years after leaving an abuser.

Here we are 5 years later. I looked back at earlier blog posts, I felt the hurts and anger from that earlier time. I feel I learned a bunch about the legal system, myself and kids. I had to learn to "Love me". I hated myself for a time. I didn't like who I was in the mirror.  Habits developed over time from living with my abuser are still ghosts of my past that I am working to change. Such as, following behind my husband, Terry, I can walk at his side. I can voice my opinion or distaste. I can even leave the toilet paper roll hanging with the paper in the back of the roll rather then with the sheets on top. Know what I mean?

I haven't dusted in over a month. I still haven't balanced my check book since leaving my ex, I keep a tally in my head and I'm very frugal with my money!

I can go on and on! I spread my wings and am flapping, getting ready to soar! I have some things in the works that I'm super excited about. I have finished my book and hope to publish in the next few weeks! This will also include surrendering and taking a leap of faith that will take myself, Terry and kids on an amazing journey within the next few months or years.

Prayers for you Dear Blog reader in whatever stage of life you are at. If you are currently in a dangerous situation, please get help! You maybe thinking, "It's not that bad" or "Name calling is all it is".

Abuse is abuse no matter what form it is. You deserve better! It doesn't matter if you male, female, child, teen, elderly or what have you. No one deserves to be abused. Contact local police, or reach out to the National Hotline for abuse or let a trusted friend/relative/teacher know.

Stay safe and God bless!
Mel

Life after abuse

From time to time I view other blogs and websites about abuse. I find it hard not to feel sucked into darkness of my life about my past.

The past does not define you. Your past makes who you are now. Getting wrapped up in writing my book brings back to what was a surreal life there once was. The craziness of living with someone that is abusive.

I could ramble on a list of mental illness labels to call him, Narcissist, Gaslighter, Borderline, blah, blah, blah. . .

He was abusive. That's it. No special label needed.

God has this wonderful choice of Freewill. He knows between good and bad. He chose his moods and his actions most times before he walked in the door from a day at work. The experiences one goes through is amazingly similar. That's what gets me. No matter whose story or book about they're experiences with an abuser, the story is almost the same.

Paste your face here.

It's almost annoying and scary at how similar in the situations we are. I have discussed this with others that are victims or survivors about the "Playbook" that all abusers seem to use.

No matter what point in your journey you are in, please know you are walking a path from many other survivors and victims have walked before you. There are those that wish to keep silent and stay in the relationship of abuse and they feel as though there is no hope. Then there are those such as  very strong people- Leslie, Kristy, and Joanie. You may not know who they are, but they have made profound impact on me. They have reached out for friendship, sharing they're stories privately about what they endured in past relationship. I am in awe of the strength, the grace and brushing off the shadows of abuse and they are each putting a face on abuse.

Kristy is a well renown Author, life coach and Medium- www.tangledwishes.com .

Leslie and Joanie are two women that have left very abusive relationships after years of suffering in silence from abuse. There are several more that have contacted me over the years, looking for advice for son's, daughters, in-laws, parents or even co-workers.

Dear Blog reader, your not alone! Your experiences whether they are verbal, sexual, mental or physical are real!

I can't tell you how or when to leave. You will just know. There will come a time when enough is enough. No amount of pleading from others involved will get a victim to leave the abuse. Sad to say something may have to happen to the victim or someone close to her or him, in order for that person to leave.

A wake up call.

Where your abuser has a choice to victimize, you also have a choice to stay a victim.

You can have a really good life, but you need to have faith and believe. Does it take time to heal? Yes! Even after 5 years there are still bumps and little glitches that I need to contend with, whether it is a nightmare, anxiety attack or just a reaction that is programmed from my past.

April is Child Abuse awareness month. If you or someone you know is a victim of abuse please get help! Or listen, be a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen.

Stay safe Dear Reader!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Writing, memories and used tissues

When I started this journey I had friends, family and kind blog readers suggest to write a book about my story. Flattered and slightly hesitant to do so in the beginning, despite urging from a great number of loved ones, I waited, waited and waited.

Each time I opened a Word doc or even just with pen in hand, I couldn't seem to get the words down. For some big reason, blogging about the experiences to some extent had been much easier to do and I am not even entirely sure why, though I'm sure there is a cosmic or psychological reason. For me to relive by digging deep, memories from childhood to present has proved to be very intense.

A great sense of relief comes from finally getting these experiences out. I am able to brush off the gathered dust from my past has opened up a deeper sense of understanding how I am the way I am.
Waiting to write my story has given me clarity, focus, confidence and drive to keep finding joy in little things is greater that I never felt before.

There are still moments of crying spells, dried tissue that seem to fill my pockets or the work area around me, as I pound out several pages, I notice that my spirit is feeling more uplifted and free!

I sometimes am amazed at the words appearing from my eyes, telling the story about my memories I believed that I had buried so deep down long ago or lost.

Telling my story and blogging gives me hope that if I can reach one person that they are worthy of living a life that can be normal, then it's all worth it. I wish to inspire others, with faith, hope and a strong resolve, many can leave the bondage of a violent relationship. It is not easy and can be dangerous, but Dear Blog reader, you have to begin to realize that you are a beautiful person deserving of normalcy and love!

If you know someone that is in a broken relationship, please help them find help, a shoulder and ear to listen to. Remind them they are not alone.

God bless! I will keep you posted on more info on my upcoming book! Thank you for all the kind words and prayers since my journey began, I appreciate it.

Much love and happiness,
Mel

5 years ago

 

5 years ago I fled my home with my children and a few meager belongings gathered in secret for a few weeks prior to our leaving.

It hit me on my way home today. As I was driving I realized how much I miss my oldest Son. It will be 5 years in September since I had seen him.

I called my Mom. I needed to vent and cry. Who best then Mom? She is incredibly hard to nail down as she works 2 jobs at least 6 days a week. Luckily, I had gotten her on the phone and I balled my eyeballs out, whining and bellyaching.

She listened.

She reminded me I did all I could in the situation we were in.

She told me that maybe someday he and I would reunite but sadly due to being in his Dad's care, his view of me is more then likely not a very nice one.

She told me to stop crying, it's over and done. To go home and hugs my baby- The big one, Terry.
I wiped my tears, quit feeling sorry for myself, remembering how far we have came and I was going home to a peaceful home, to those that loved me unconditionally.

She said she loved me and we said good bye. That's Mom. No punches held back. In the short conversation we had there is truth.

I usually keep much of these feelings inside. I don't share with everyone. I keep a smile on my face all the time, deep down, I feel unsure of myself. I lack confidence in myself. My self esteem is getting much better, though I still look in the mirror and can still sometimes hear an all too familiar voice, of my ex putting me down, saying I can't do anything. I will never amount to anything . . . Blah! Blah! Blah!

I met someone recently, she is in a relationship that is volatile. With tear filled eyes, she asked me how I did it? How did I escape? How did I stop loving him?

It took a LONG time. Even though many of my feelings were not as hers are, I still mourned my breakup.

Feeling as though it was my fault that I was unable to keep the marriage going.

Feeling that I somehow failed.  It took a very long time to stop these feelings.

Those feelings eventually were replaced with anger, regret, remorse and then clarity.

Clarity?

Yes indeed!

I had clarity that all my faults were not mine. They were his! After being told I was a screw up, I made those spiteful and mean spirited things my own.

I began to dig deep. I absorbed all I could about Abuse, reading blogs, books, survivor experiences to remind me that I was not alone. At the same time I began to sink into a deep depression. I had to stop reading these things. To understand abuse is one thing, but I felt a sadness for those that were suffering.

I couldn't fix the world, but I can fix myself.

I read my Bible. I prayed. I prayed for God to work in me. To heal my mind and shattered spirit. To bind up the tattered broken pieces of my heart. I was able to lift my spirit with many great verses, enabling me to get through the day.

I began to seek out positive affirmations again. To picture the life I wanted. To erase, "Can't" from my vocabulary. To see the wipe away the small worries. The small stuff.

I wrote a Bucket List.

Created a Vision Board

I didn't bar hop or go nuts partying after I left my ex. I'm not a party person.

I did reconnect with my kids. Going to parks, the beach, the city (Chicago), exploring and playing games.

I have done things I read about in magazines and books- Law books to help me learn Pro bono workings of the court room. I'm pretty proud of myself for this.

I dove into doing things such as, Bee keeping, more gardening, Chickens/Ducks, Canning, Author, hosting Vision Board workshops, Reflexology, Herbs, Crystal healing, Aromatherapy, Meditation (I'm still working on this!), a Doula, teaching myself to crochet (I will have to post my first afghan on here, it is extremely crooked but I did it myself! ), hosting antique sales out of the house- I do have a booth space now.

And more, I do whatever else tickles my fancy! Most of these things are inexpensive or free. If you can find someone to teach you then go for it!

I found articles online and in books about rediscovering me! Finding my Inner Goddess, so to speak. Anytime I felt crappy I would open my bible, call a close friend, share with the Hubster or journal.

I have my mantra- "Hope" I have had this for almost 8 years now. I moved onto other mantras, such as "Believe", "Inspire", "Dare to Dream". In all honesty I keep coming back to "Hope". I see it all over the place, in places I wouldn't even think about. Billboards, webpages, books, news stories.

Hope.  A little word with BIG meaning for me.

I'm not erasing my past. I have forgiven and let go. The past is what shaped me. Though I can't escape the memories or bad dreams, they have loosened a grip on me.

Now don't get me wrong, I still look over my shoulder to see if my ex is around. I make sure I am aware of my surroundings all the time. Our address and my work place are still under wraps. I still worry from time to time.

But we are safe. I am free! My kids and I are still a work in progress. Things are much better then they were 5 years ago today.

I'm not haunted by my past, I am moving on to a beautiful life. I don't have a flashy car or home. We are comfortable. I'm married to my best friend. The love of my life! I have 5 beautiful children- Terry's daughter, my oldest son, Jess, Alex and Kalven.

My situation is rare. Not everyone finds another love, quickly or that is not an abuser.

Please tread carefully when leaping into a new relationship! Rediscover you!

There can be a happily ever after! You have to want it! You have to desire to be more then a doormat.

Brush off your dreams, wishes and sorrows, soar like a butterfly! You can do it!

If someone you know is still struggling with leaving an abusive situation, please do not give up hope. Check in from time to time. The drama can be very intense, if you dig deep, it can drag you into a roller coaster. Step back if need be. But do let the victim know that if they ever need help you will be there or can direct them to someone that can help!

It was nice for me to know that despite it all, my family and close friends never gave up on me! It actually did encourage me to find the strength to leave.

I'm cheering for you! BIG HUGS and prayers!

Mel

White lights on a Christmas tree and positive affirmations

Now I haven't lost my mind. . . Yet! What do white lights on a tree have to do with anything?! On my path to healing my spirit, there are glimpses of my past. Hurts and these dang burning memories that come bubbling up like water from a spring from the desert. 

We are decorating for Christmas, we were gifted a Christmas tree that someone was going to throw away at the end of yard sale this past summer. Terry was so proud of his find and he didn't have to rummage through the trash! (A playful jab because I am the Queen of trash re-purposing- a gentle title I like to use rather then garbage picker)The only thing wrong with the tree is the lights aren't working, so he very patiently at checking and changing each light. 

As we had surveyed his work last night, thus far, and while admiring the tree, I trailed off in mid "Your doing a awesome job!" and must have had a funny look on my face because he thought something was wrong. I replied that I just realized that I had never had a Christmas tree with white lights! 

My ex had hated the way white lights look on a tree and I was not allowed to hang anything but multicolored lights on the tree! EVER! Now those lights had to be strung by wrapping each branch with lights. I would have over 1,000+ lights on the tree! It would take me hours to get the tree done. No short cuts while doing this or I would have to start all over in his presence.

  

As I mentioned in previous posts I began to dislike the holidays. So, last night was like reopening an old scab. When these thoughts or memories come up I have found opening my heart and feelings to my loved ones or blogging has helped me tremendously.  

Anytime I start bad mouthing myself, oh yes Dear Blog reader, you can put yourself down! That inner voice that holds you hostage by calling you names, making you feel worthless and weak. So when I find myself trash talking about myself, I pause, pray and say positive affirmations. I look in the mirror and remind myself that I am safe. I am a child of God. 

I am beautiful. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of happiness and joy! 

It can be hard to look yourself in the eye and tell you these things and you may even feel silly.  After time these will become really great mantras! Or create your own. 

Almost 5 years that we started this journey, while it is not the end to the craziness, the beginning of this wonderful, hair raising adventure makes me appreciate the small things in life. The sound of silence in the morning, actually conversations and laughter in our home. Love and companionship with my now husband, Terry. 

Don't give up hope Dear Blog reader, you can be free! Whether it is the realization of the color of the lights on your Christmas tree or how you live your life day to day. There can be happiness. It is a rough ride, tears, and sometimes scary. But all in all it has been worth it! No regrets and no apologizes.

If you are in a abusive relationship or know someone that is, please get them help! Surf the web for one of the many national and local organizations that can direct you to safety. Feel free to view some tips on safety tips and more here. 

God bless! Stay safe!

Mel

*Find me here- hopewhentherewasnone on FB or healingheartsreflexology- Soon offering Emotional release (Young Living essential oils) and more! Also collecting toiletries for  local Shelter- St. Jude House in Crown Point, IN. I do have a booth space at Treasures Hidden in Lowell, IN where 10% of proceeds will go to St. Jude House.

In the midst of chaos

First let me say that if you are reading this blog, I'm sorry. I pray God gives you strength to carry on. I pray that you don't just give up or give in. That you dust yourself off and stand tall. Though it seems grim, dark or impossible there is a ray of light at the end of the chaos.

I have leaned of the Lord to get me through my life. I was abused as a young child, and a counselor believes I may have been sexual abused as well. Being a victim seems to be a pattern in my life at various cycles. But, it can be broken! I'm asking you go put your faith in God. Whatever your faith or whatever being you believe in, you have to place faith that you will get through this.

You are worthy of a life worth living. You are beautiful in the sight of God. Now I normally don't preach about religion, but I receive emails from time to time asking how do you do it? Or what is your secret to keep going? How are you so brave?

To be honest, my emotions are a swirl of anger, bitterness and sadness. I had to give all of it to the Lord. He is greater then these things earthbound. Also, I was blessed to be surrounded with angels both spiritually, family, friends and to have found a partner that builds me up, encourages me to grow.

I pray all the time! I pray for not only  my situation, but for others, our world, our nation and those in my life. I journal, blog and tell anyone about our story. I don't wish it to end here. I someday hope to get speaking engagements to discuss this subject in schools or groups. I have looked around to do so but do need either, training via a Women's shelter (that irked me I had first hand experience on how to deal with abuse!) or a education as a counselor or mental health field or a book. Now the book is something I have been going back and forth about because I'm unsure of myself and scared. Yup, I still get scared or terrified that my ex will try to sabotage something, kill me or send my eldest son to kill me or my new husband and youngest son.

After close to 5 years my abuser still looks for me/us. He still reaches out to my family and friends to inquire, rant and bash me.

Everything I whine or go on about here are things I practice, do or have looked into. I like to think that I practice what I preach!

I do the Positive affirmations. I talk to other survivors about what they are going through or ask thoughts on my situation. I read my Bible! I read self help books to help me with my spirit, self esteem and to help me heal myself. I cleanse our home with sage, oils and prayer. I take baths in sea salt or do a Salt glow to rid me of negativity.

I use crystals, essential oils, Bach Flowers (Rescue Remedy) garden, find things that soothe my soul and broken spirit. I am teaching myself dozens of things to help me grow in mind and body. (I'm trying to learn to meditate but my brain thinks about everything under the sun or think about the housework that needs to get done) I do these things to get my mind from running away from me about my situation.

I have seen a handful of counselors, overall I don't believe in them. Sorry! I am not on medication. I did that route. It was not for me. Not saying for others not to see or use medications to get through. I'm saying I did not feel it was best for me. I don't like the side effects of drugs. Now, for others this is the way to go and if it works for you then that is fantastic! I use visualization to get me through my PTSD symptoms or a bag works. I talk myself down during these times and pray. I plead the blood of Christ in my life A LOT!

Anytime the house seems alive with bad energy, I cleanse it. Much to the eye rolling of the kids and hubby. They go with it because the mood after I do so is lighter! I don't consider myself a "New Age person" but I am open minded to everything. I am a believer in God. He gives me strength!

I can ramble on and on.

Dearest? Please consider opening your heart to the Lord. If you are already a follower and are saved then don't lose faith the God is with you. Let Him work in your life. Give Him your worries!

It takes faith. You have to have faith. Before you open your mouth, act in a situation or even start your day, before you jump out of bed ask God to guidance. You are never to old for a happily ever after. Nor are you unworthy enough to call upon angels or God to help you through these tough times! I'm praying for you!

Now, God still wants you to act and be diligent to keep yourself safe. Don't shut yourself in the house and never leave, becoming a hermit. Take steps to protect yourself at all times!

Take a self defense class!

Leave a paper trail- emails, voice mails, text messages from your ex or even first hand accounts written by you or someone that has witnessed the abuse.

Practice self awareness while you are out.

Don't see your ex without someone else being present. And if you have to see your ex do so in a PUBLIC  SETTING! Call the police and let them know of the situations and that you would like an officer present during visitation exchanges or just because you don't feel comfortable. That's they're job!

Keep an emergency phone or change on you to make a call!

Let a trusted friend or family member know where you are at all times. I know you don't want to feel like a child but this could be life saving!

Try the other tips found in the blog to stay safe.

Learn to love yourself again!

Prayers, blessings and love Dear Blog reader! Stay safe!
Mel

*Side note- If you have any questions about God, faith, prayer or anything please feel free to contact me at hopewhentherewasnone@gmail.com . Or visit- http://purewordsoftruth.com/ for information about the Lord.*