Wednesday, May 14, 2014
I can't believe my pages are on here! I felt a swirling rush of emotions as I posted the last chapters. None of them had been proofread by anyone, so I apologize for any errors.
I feel a big sense of relief getting most of those haunting memories on paper. I am not done writing, I have so many other cobwebs in my mind that need cleaning out!
Thank all of those that have been on this journey with me for well over 5 years in blog land, it is much appreciated.
I pray that whatever stage you are at in your situation ,that you find peace, comfort, strength, hope and faith to keep going. Know this, it's not easy. breaking up never is. It does not matter whether the person you are with is calling you names, raising a hand to you or what have you, abuse is abuse.
If this person is your child, parent, partner, or relative, it's never okay to abuse another.
I have mentioned how God has played a critical role in my life and even at my darkest I knew it would be okay.
Before you push the notion of a being aside that you can not see, think about this.
Can you see air around you? How can you doubt something you can not see? I can go deeper and deeper about the subject and I'm not looking to convert everyone. I would like to plant a seed in your mind about the possibility of the unseen world around you.
I don't believe in chance. I believer things and people happen or come into your life at critical times in your life. It can be a stranger, someone you have known for years or just seeing something that reminds you of a person that has passed.
Know this, you are loved unconditionally by a God that will take you as you are! Broken, tired, scared, lonely, angry or just plain in need of a friend. All you have to do is ask God to come into your heart! Confess that you are a sinner and ask for forgiveness.
Your situation may seem very BIG, but for God, this is the small stuff. Leave your burdens and worries at His feet. You have to have patience! Prayer and situations work in His time not ours. Though I know I have a reminder of myself being impatient, stomping my feet at the situation I was in, wanting what I wanted "NOW!", but knowing I had to let go and let God. (Cliche I know but so true!)
My Friend if you are reading this you or someone you know may/is in a abusive situation. Please get help! It's okay to let others know that the life you are in is scary. Now, this is where your faith comes in!
You need to know you can live the life you are dreaming about. Peace, safety, true love, normalcy.
If you need to talk about any of the topics in my blog please do not hesitate to drop me a line. I am most readily available at email@example.com.
God bless and stay safe!
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Miranda & Dad argue
Miranda "You told me for 2 years- that if the divorce happened it would be all my fault. You put me in that hospital".
Dad "That's a lie".
Miranda "No it's not. You sent us both. Me & Nathan. He needed to be there".
Dad "No he didn't. I didn't want you there".
Miranda "You need to be there. You need a psych eval".
Dad "I don't know what your game is- what your mothers game is".
Miranda "My life would be great if you weren't in it".
Dad "You're repeating exactly what your mother says".
Miranda "No. She would tell me to be respectful".
Dad "You don't hurt me".
Miranda "So now you're a counselor & a psycho".
Dad "I did nothing to you".
Miranda "You choked me. That's bullshit".
Dad "I didn't choke you. I slapped you".
Dad "You went crazy and started attacking Matthew".
Miranda "All you did what sit on the couch & watch TV all day".
Miranda "You whipped Nathan with your belt so many times. Mom tried to protect him".
Dad "All I see is your mother. So it's ok for you to disrespect me".
Miranda "I'd rather be like her than you".
Dad "Mom is hurting you by keeping the negativity going".
Dad "I always tell Nathan to not talk badly about"
Miranda "Why do you or Nathan keep texting Mom in the middle of the night?"
Miranda "You ruined the first 10 years of my life".
Dad "Your Mom keeps your away from me. You can argue all you want. It doesn't hurt me".
Miranda "I hate you with a deep passion. I want to stab you right now- but I won't because I will not stoop to your level. I wish you would leave me alone. I hate you! I don't want to see you!"
Dad "I'm fighting for custody of you".
Miranda "I hate you. I thought you changed- but you didn't. Stop this visitation shit. I hate you. Get out of my life".
Zoe "Guys your kinda talking loud".
Dad "You shush!"
Miranda "NO!" and slams her hands on the table
Miranda throws her cards at dads face.
CTH security enters visit
Dad laughs when Miranda leaves
Dad "Zoe I didn't hurt you. You're my baby".
Zoe cries- Zoe asks to leave
*Mom called to pick up girls 11:23 am
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Kat had moved in, she was in a terrible relationship, we had met her from a swinging website. Not wanting to see her dead or worse He asked her to move in. One thing led to another and they were crazy about each other. We had talked about this in the past and I thought we put this behind us. He was getting mean again, playing with my head. Threatening to hurt me, stop taking his pills or turn off the pilot light so we would die in our sleep.
I got dressed fast; I had been in the bathroom. He shut the bedroom door where she was lying in a bed he had purchased for her so she could stay and still have privacy in our home. He yanked and pushed me up the stairs he pulled my hair back as we were walking up the stairs, he was behind me so yes this was very uncomfortable. He pulled it so hard I swore I must have lost chunks of hair. He guided me to the bedroom and once we were there he ordered me to drop my pants.
I was going to get screwed since that was all I was good for. I told him no! He got mad! He grabbed me and shoved my face into the bed, I thought I was going to suffocate! I told him no again and he got madder he shoved some things around the room and left. I stood there for a minute breathless not wanting to move or to cry.
Luckily he only ripped my shirt, I was used to that, I would go through clothing like a growing child. I was nervous because I stood up to him and didn't know his reaction. I tried to act normal but
Kat knew something had happened.
The kids thought that their father was nice only when she and her girls were around. Our son thought his Dad was a pervert. And he reminded me that his Dad had promised not to hurt me or yell at me anymore. He broke that promise in just a few short weeks.
I was losing my hair (besides the hair getting pulled out), my nails were breaking, and I wasn't feeling good at all. Despite the constant exercise and dieting I felt so worn down and tired all the time.
We talked and he didn't want to lose her, he was in love with her. He did apologize for pulling my hair and ruining another shirt. If I were a good wife why does he need another?
I felt like a failure for not being able to still make things work. I was feeling as though despite the ongoing issues that I was not living up to the vows I had said. It didn't matter that I had lost any type of feelings for him. He said he stumbled and could I please lift him up? We talked more and more.
Kat had left and she didn't come back to the house, Will had left many voice mail messages. Kat said she turned off her phone while she was at her Moms. Later that night I asked him to hold me, he tried but said it was better and more natural when he held her. My heart felt ripped out. He hoped she would come home.
He asked if there was someone I would like to date. Did I wish to have another man that was OK, considering he had been having others?
This idea was his way to relieve himself of any guilt and to justify his behavior. There was a few guys at work he would ask if I wanted was interested.
I felt devastated, even though I was struggling to rekindle my love for him. I believed this was wrong. I voiced my opposition to this, he would call me jealous. How could this be?
Two partners a lifelong commitment. Not Adam, Eve and Jennifer or Adam, Eve, Jennifer and Mike, etc. . .
I asked him to give me time to adjust, I'm having a hard time watch some lady screw my husband, and heaven forbid I leave the room. I kept my eyes closed and just felt my love fade. How could you do that to someone?
I feel fat, like the ugly stepsister, this felt even more wrong. I was more confused.
He keeps bragging about how pretty she is and how I have so many marks on my body. So many things wrong with my appearance. I don't feel like I have anything to offer.
I never make the first move.
I never initiate sex.
I suddenly felt like there was a scoreboard. He calls her all the time... He used to call me. Now he calls and asks to talk to her.
In a sick twisted way I did like to have her around, he's nice when she's here. He doesn't yell or say mean things because he's trying to impress her. The weekend rolled around and his other fiance had went to her parents’ home for a few days.
This left me alone with him. I had figured I would drown my worries in a few wine coolers. I don’t drink that often, so it is not surprising that I am totally wobbly after two of them. His boss had called up to let him know about work for the next day.
When I answered the phone and must have sounded weird, I was chatting too way too much for his liking. He glared at me and gestured to punch me. I quickly handed him the phone while retreating as quick as I could away from arm’s length.
Afterward he said I laughing too much while sounding like an alcoholic on the phone.
It was very rare when I would drink anything at all. He threw his arm back to punch me and that sobered me up really fast. He's not healed he says a lot of things but he doesn't mean them. I'm the bitch and the one causing problems. This of course was not unusual. It is rare that an abuser takes responsibility or can take things lightly.
A few days later, Kat called him to say that she was going to stay longer at her Mom’s home. Did I mention that she was still in that terrible relationship? I ended up having to “stake out” her boyfriend’s home to see what I could find out. Her car was there.
I phone to let him know the status. I didn't want to be here. This was stupid! I was disappointed to find her car there as I was still hoping in some twisted way that they could get together. After many more issues of me and the kids leaving some other Springer moments, they parted ways, but this was not the last time they had gotten together.