A little about me

Friday, November 30, 2012

Are you positive?!

Recovering from abuse is a super long road.

Days can go by where I feel suddenly overcome with memories and feelings. Still trying to repair my spirit and stay safe where we live. I would love to share so many things about where we are and going's on. But for the sake of safety as many of you understand.

I have been finding joy in so many little things that I never was able to appreciate fully.

Sunrise and set
Going to church
Being late from time to time (I don't make a habit of being late 5 to 10 mins I don't sweat it anymore)
Showering when I want to (I don't have to at night if I don't want to)
I can EAT what I want when I want!
My children
Being happy
Being able to try new and different things without criticism
Decorating how I want to
Having a friend/partner/Help meet
Laughter everyday
Chickens! Love these critters but they aren't pets. They are for food/eggs. I don't dress them up or call them pet names. 
There is more but I won't bore you!

I still miss my son terribly. He turned 17 a few weeks back. The girls sent him an e-card and this is the reply was mean spirited. I shared they received a message but did not share with them the content, but that it was negative.

We have not received child support on a regular basis. I heard he is still working for cash. He is well over $5,000 behind but nothing is being done by the court or my attorney. They would rather sweep it under the rug because they don't want to deal with him.

Also, I haven't took the girls back to counseling since June. I was informed by my attorney I could serve jail time or the girls can be taken away from me due to withholding "court ordered" therapeutic counseling. HUH?! I scratched my head... It frustrates me that my ex could get away with hiring someone to kill me, breaking numerous restraining orders, not doing what the court asks and not paying child support but somehow I'm the one that can face jail or lose the girls?! How does this make sense.

I took the girls to counseling for a few sessions. Alex opened up about several memories that were about leaving the bathroom door opened when she showered and how uncomfortable it made her.
Jess was closed mouth this time. She felt jaded for having to go to the mental ward back in June for suicide. She said she entertained the thought but didn't really want to do so.
Everyday is a new adventure, no not perfect. To name a few things, I still am unemployed and actively looking (pestering my FB friends to help me). I have a terrible bug bite that looks so nasty right now. I still have back pain and was turned down for disability. My life in the past is surreal, as though it happened to another person. Stay positive! Hard to say and do I know. Finding joy and happiness is what we as humans crave and desire and dare I say if you weren't hugged enough as a child or during your life, it seems one longs for love and closeness. Create the life you crave. (legally of course)

Surround yourself in things that remind you of being strong or empowering you. Create a Vision/Wish board (Inspiration/Prayer board) with old magazine and glue or find pictures on the web that remind you of positive thoughts. Remember you are worth happiness, joy and eventually love with another (worthy of a wonderful person such as yourself!). Pray! Meditate! Listen to positive music. Find positive people to hang with. Get rid of negative thoughts, people or things. I have made many posts on this subject and I hate to sound like a broken record but it is so important in healing! Do things that "You" like to do. Or try something you always wanted to do. Share with loved one's. Kids can do these things too! It can help them in the healing process too!

Giving you big hugs! It's my birthday today so I'm needing to give some time to my hubs and little one right now. Here are several pictures to get you started!

Oh and finally...

Monday, November 5, 2012

Love you always and forever

"Love you always and forever" 

I have seen these words again over the last few days. 

3 text messages. A few lines saying "Good morning my Ladies" or "Sweet dreams my Ladies" and then "Love you always and forever". It's not tell my girls or tell the girls Good night or Good morning or even tell the girls I love them... He says "my ladies" and "Always and forever".

Why does that creep me out? Why can't he let me go?

I thought I didn't leave the house because I love this wonderful place. OK, that is part of it. But deep down I don't want to bump into him. I don't want to take the chance. 

I am still jumpy. I still cringe and feel a panicky feeling when I see a vehicle that looks like his.

Let me go.

Me and the new Hubs (Terry)
Move on with your life. I want to enjoy this second chance of living a beautiful life. 

It's been over 3 years.

 I still miss my son. He's going to be 17 in a few weeks. I'm sure we are strangers to one another. I miss him terribly. I don't believe we can have a decent relationship until he is away from his dad. 

My daughter,Jess, threw me for a loop a few weeks ago by asking to maybe live with him for a month at a time. Or to see him without Supervised Parenting Time. I was blown away! I was not angry. I was hurt and confused. I didn't/don't understand. After all they have been through!

Alex and I were shaking our heads. I was definitely not inputting her reasoning. She talked to Terry and he helped her understand the reason why we don't talk to him unsupervised. And the importance of me avoiding any type of situation that could put us in harms way. Of course I can not afford to send them to the therapy they need because the "ex" is still behind in support. He has yet to file his income tax return and he complains to those around him that I haven't gotten the girls to therapy. I have to come up with 10% of the cost to send them. (not my idea and I really was ticked off when the Magistrate said I would have to) Since I have no job or prospects for one yet, I rely on the support for the girls medical bills, clothing, school books and fee's. He's a bit over $5,000 behind now. 

I don't understand why he has not been arrested. I have repeatedly asked my attorney why. And all he can tell me is that it is not worth putting him in jail. HUH?! Putting him in jail will not help get his support paid. It's such a little amount. HUH?! So, the man can keep getting paid cash at his job and not pay for his obligations and it's OK?! And he is still texting me even though the court said not to text or contact me unless it's an emergency or else. 

I don't get it. 

I'm at a loss. 

I know I'm caught in a cycle of healing. I know he is caught in a pattern of being a Narc, Gaslighter, Psychopath, Abuser, Violent, Mentally unstable... Whatever you want to label him. I have no intention on getting on that wild scary ride again. I don't miss crazy.

I'm desperate to move far away. To get away. To just put us all in the car and leave where I don't feel worried about the dark. I don't feel worried about going anywhere to run an errand. Where no one knows us or him. Where I can truly start over again and feel free. Oh, I know I have my decree and I'm free. I have been free physically for almost 4 years come Feb next year. But emotionally and mentally I'm held bound by memories and old fears.

Let me go...