Exfoliate your life!

That is my favorite line! A very wise woman once told me I needed to "Exfoliate my life"! Scrubbing away emotions, people and things from my life.

I pondered this for sometime. I did realize seeing somethings from my marriage caused me great distress, despite the ordinariness (Not sure if that is a word) of the item. From time to time they triggered a memory which would bring me to my knees or cause me to fall into a depressive state.

Talking with another Survivor- "Journey of Grace" on blogspot. I usually don't talk to that much about my story to everyone. So, opening to her has been very much blessing! She mentioned that a certain object was unknowingly triggering memories and physical issues with her and she needed to replace it to move on. Which reminded me again of the rampage I went through a few times! I ransacked my closet and other things I had around the house that reminded me of my abuser. Everything from the slutty/sexy clothes he bought me to wear for him to decor pictures on the wall to even some of the vintage things I was selling online. I threw many things of the clothes away (sorry landfills!) and donated to a local thrift store much of the other things.

I felt as though a weight had lifted up off my shoulders!

I know for sure I have 2 pictures in the Living room that I'm sure have some lingering psychic impression on them of a time that was filled with some joy, fear and sadness. I'm debating about these two. I may toss them on a table this week and sell them. I love the pictures! They are adorable... Rambling!

Now, not everyone has these issues, so don't go throwing out everything! Think to yourself first about whatever it is that could be a catalyst for Panic/Anxiety attack or PTSD issues. Yes, I know somethings are pricey just to get rid of. Whether it be a bed, or jewelry or clothes, it's a personal choice. A house? Well, that's a really big item. Personally, I didn't want the house because of the memories involved. It was best to start over.

Things. Stuff. Kitchy things. They are just things. Ever hear you can't take it with you? Just something to think about my Dear Blogger! Don't forget you are worthy of wonderful things!

Keep safe! Remember you can find me on FB as hopewhentherewasnone. Please pass this on to anyone that maybe suffering in silence.

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Gaslighters handbook

Label your abuser with whatever term fits- Gaslighter, NARC, Psycho, mentally challenged or some random harsher language word. Despite what runs through my head I dare not lower myself to the words he has called me. I decided a long time ago to be a bigger person!

It's hard to leave your abuser. It's even harder to stay in the relationship!

Once you leave or kick him/her to the curb the abuse doesn't magically go away. Your abuser is still abusive. But you do not have to take it! If you still have physical contact in some form due to child arrangements or other random contact, you can leave or ask him/her to leave. If it is phone contact or email you can hang up or ignore the person.

I got to tell you the first time I hung up on my ex, it was empowering! I didn't do it to antagonize him, I did it to save myself further hurt feelings. And I did it because I COULD! My heart raced afterwards and I felt the adrenaline running throughout my whole body. I don't think I actually breathed for what seemed like several minutes after. The answer is yes he called back numerous times but I ignored his calls. That made me giggle! I felt elated! Not in a mean way, but as a feeling that I don't need to take any abuse of any sort from him EVER!

I have chatted with many Victims and Survivors of abuse and the story seems to be the same. The only difference in some stories is whether or not substance abuse in some way was used. Some abusers only hurt you if they are drinking or using drugs. But then again that's the story you tell yourself. I have found that many of the abusers are still in some way Gaslighting and the Victim makes excuses to explain that he/she is having a bad day or just grumpy or mouthy. They only abuse when they use. So the victim waits for the next binge or drink...

Sounds scary to me! I'm not sure which way is more worrisome to me! I worried daily about the "other shoe dropping". I can't imagine the other. No matter, if you find yourself chatting with another person that has been abused it seems as though they share very similar stories that it's spooky! I often make light that my ex must have a long lost sister or brother because they sound so much alike.

They don't actually have a Gaslighter handbook. But it does seem like if there was they would have read from the same book! Remember these things are not in your head. If you once doubt your experiences then you are SANE! You have to know you are not alone! You have to learn that you can survive and be free. You have to know that it's ok to call the police, leave a papertrail! If you have kids teach your children to call police if need be. My daughter called police during a supervised visitation last summer at my ex in-laws after there was a heated exchange between her grandparents, her and my ex.

The years that I was with my ex kind of meld together to the point where I don't recall many things. But, with the PTSD I have times where I am inundated with memories that trouble me deeply. For the last 12 years of my marriage I had pleaded with my ex to "Let me go". I begged him. I told him if I was so worthless why keep me? Why stay married? Then he would just play mind games with me. Afterwards he would confess to love me. Or just be oblivious to the incident as though waking from a dream and not knowing why I was upset or injured (he would almost always say he didn't remember hurting me or the kids and that we made it up).  I have mentioned before how surreal my life seems now compared to years ago. I feel blessed that we survived. We aren't out of the storm due to court ordered supervised Therapeutic counseling, which will make us vulnerable to physical contact with my ex and my son.  I feel safe knowing he does not know where we reside. Though it bugs me that I look over my shoulder and worry about him following me when he sees us. Be aware of your surroundings Dear Blog reader! Let someone know where you are at all times. Tedious but it could save your life...

If you are afraid to leave, that's normal! Confide in a friend or family member. Tell someone you trust. Please check out previous posts on "Leaving your abuser" or "Safety plan". Above all if you feel like you or your children are endanger don't stay! If you can not leave for you please think about your children/pets. Abuse is a cycle that needs to be broken.

Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Sweet escape

*older post I forgot about on FB blogs*

Sweet escape leaving an abuser

by Melinda Kunst on Tuesday, July 27, 2010 at 4:47pm ·

Reaching down and digging deep has been a constant struggle. After speaking with many people and hearing that you are suffering from abuse was shocking in some sense. I knew I was but to hear it from others was an eye opener. Over a year later the after effects of the abuse linger, almost like a sore spot that has never really healed. The kids seem to be breaking out of their shells and speaking up about experiences that bother them. When they speak of these things it's so matter of fact and getting to be so casual in conversation.

We have never really spoke of the day we left. I remember being a mess in admist garbage bags upon garbage bags filled with what was left of our life. After the excitement and getting everyone in bed. I broke down again. Both in relief as well as fear. I didn't sleep well for a long time, especially since he was on our doorstep a few hours before. He just showed up. He was crying and begging, my sister and her hubby were watching. My sister had called the police. He was begging me to come home. Promising me he would change. A sentiment I heard on a pretty regular basis.

He sent flowers, made constant calls and then threats. I ended up filing a Order of Protection and then later speaking to the Prosecutor about jail time. There was never enough to put him in prison. She spoke bluntly to me and off the record, stating that for anything to be done I needed to be hurt badly or killed. I left enraged and hurt. Feeling helpless. A feeling that does sometimes still get to me as last summer it was found out he had offered to pay someone to kill me. $5,000. The local authorities said there was not enough evidence. He is a sly one. Most abusers are, they cover their tracks well.

Over a year he has not changed, just sneakier. His rants may be matched to my own but I do this for therapy as well as to get our story out. If heaven forbid anything happens there is a trail that would lead back. Not that I have a wish for anything of the sort. I want to live out the remaining days of my life with Terry on a porch in some rockers or at a campsite over looking a river or lake. Enjoying our children and one another.

I look forward to the day when I won't have to look over my shoulder with concern that my STBX or my son is not out to get one of us. I do not look forward to the day that comes when he will be allowed to see the girls without visitation. Though he threatens he will gain custody of the girls soon. I honestly do not see how. My worry level is so peaked right now. I know I need to set my thoughts on positive and happiness for this Little One that we have been blessed with needs to cook a little longer!

I relish every moment of this pregnancy for many reasons! I'm with a man that, besides my children, has become my joy, my best friend, I have am learning to put any fear aside about things on my mind or concerns I have. I have been blessed to find the man I wanted to be a partner with. He makes me laugh and my heart grows warm even now when I think of him. He has taken such a shine to the girls and they love him to pieces! He knows he will never take the place in their hearts of their bio Dad, nor is that something he is intending! He is a positive male figure in their life and I am just amazed at how he can make them giggle and they go so many places with him. They have learned so much in such a short time!

Our escape was not meant as a sweet thing. It was meant as the best means and way possible for our new life. It didn't turn out exactly the way I planned, life never does. God has been good to us and has shown me that in every facet! I'm in a work place I am not thrilled with but at this time when so many are unemployed it pays the rent! Not much more but it works! Terry is still looking but right now, with the Little One coming it is wonderful to have him home with us. I'll be done with school soon, I can work on my Doula business a bit after the baby comes and find a better job.

Keeping my faith and my wits about me is something Terry has been helping me through. I really do count my blessings God gave me you!

More pearls of wisdom and rantings at www.myspace.com/hopewhentherewasnone

Find me on Facebook!

After some hemming and hawing I decided to start a FB page for Survivors and Victims of any type of abuse. To share experiences or to leave a face with their story so we can put a face on Abuse!

Hopefully others can inspire and give hope to those that just can't leave or kick they're abuser out the door! I do not want this to bash our abusers. That's not it's purpose. Why stoop to that level or your abuser?

It's easy to just want to forget your past to move on with your future. But, trust me, it's not easy! Even with my best intentions to put my head in the sand to ease the memories, the past comes up behind me like a dark monster looming in the dark.

Embrace you! Embrace your past! It is what made you! Let those experiences make you stronger!

Help me put a face on Abuse! Strength in numbers!

Find me here- hopewhentherewasnone or Melinda Kunst on FB!

BIG HUGS and Blessings!

Mel