Advice from Survivors of Abuse

I can not believe it has been 9 years as of tomorrow since I left my abuser. There are times it feels as though it was just yesterday. It may seem to others that I am just living in the past by sharing some sad events in our life. Now I can look at these memories without tears, nightmares and anxiety.

I don't feel that I'm in bondage over my past. It is what it is. I've made peace. I'm not the same person I was when I first started on this journey. 

Sharing has not only saved me from a dark place and time, but showing my vulnerability has helped others know they aren't alone. That wasn't my initial thought when doing this. Perhaps it was a bit of revenge.

I've mentioned this before, there are times when I just thought to stop blogging, sharing, and to let it go of the past.

After leaving I didn't always do the right thing. I put myself in dangerous situations several times. I didn't always say the right thing. Thoughts that my life was so messed up how the heck can I support or share with others? And I'm still trying to heal myself, how can I give advice?

Then, 'SNAP!' like a rubber band, I am brought back to earth by someone who is close to me. They know my story and find themselves in a situation of love where someone they know is a victim. 

I can feel the Lord is looking down wagging his finger, and saying, "See here,Woman! This is part of my plan, quit your belly aching and reach out to others."

After pouting a bit thinking a bit about this I push these things aside and help out.

I share a bit about me. I don't go into deep details, but let the other person know they aren't alone. I include this blog as well so they can come and see I'm not some creepy person. I do provide my phone number if they wish to chat instead. 

I was there once. 

I get it. 

It can be frustrating now that I'm on the other side to try to help and I feel helpless. 9 years later gives me a HUGE prospective that I didn't have. 

Surrendering and allowing some vulnerability to show does not mean you are weak. Doing so can be scary. You may have built a wall around your heart and have a hard time with trust.  Lowering that wall doesn't mean you can't do anything alone. This gives you a chance to ask for help and for others to serve you by your sharing. 

I've asked several Survivors what advice would they share with a victim trapped in an abusive situation.

These answers are courageous, raw, loving and speak the truth. I hope they both speak to you and help you on your journey.

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Dana advises; "I really like to leave the abuse behind me. I don't want to keep it in the forefront of my life, because I can't truly be free, if I keep dragging around that kind of baggage. I guess that's what my advice would be... let it go. Look out the windshield, not the rear view mirror."

Vanessa shared that she was a young woman of 17. Her abuser broke her ribs, bit her and more. He was sentenced to 7 years in prison.

She states,"I know how amazing it feels to know that we survived it and can encourage and help others to walk away when they don’t see the need to."

This recently hit home as a woman she knows was recently killed due to domestic violence.
"For those still trapped in abuse it’s a hard place to be every different phase of the abuse is different also. If I had gotten out early enough I could’ve walked away and stayed away. Physical abuse was just with mental abuse and then it turned into him not letting me leave his side even to go to the bathroom and having three locks on the door."

Vanessa's advice; "For someone that is in abuse in the beginning stages I always encourage to listen to their friends and when their friends say he’s a control freak or mention how they have changed since meeting him. For those in the middle I encourage to ask for your friends to find a domestic violence shelter so that you that can get counseling and not feel like you’re alone. Abusers main mental abuse is making you feel unwanted and that you’re nothing without them. In the last phase when it is the worst and you’re mentally and physically not able to leave I would advise doing your best to get out because it only gets worse. Even if the threat is like my friend and you end up dying if you don’t get out you’re going to die anyways."

She further adds, "At the end of the day I know that every time I the see signs that someone is in an abusive relationship, I am the first to make sure I start a conversation with them. Another survivor turned into my best friend after I had strong feelings that she was in an abusive relationship. I told her my story and read some of the police report so that she knew that I could relate. She ended that relationship and we have been best friends ever since."

I mentioned to her that it seems like abusers read out of the same playbook, she replied; "I agree they’re already been the same playbook the same exact Phase 1, Phase 2, and Phase 3. It never gets better it always gets worse. It always starts with finding a woman that is having a hard time in their life and giving them comfort. You might also notice that the woman they choose are always sad from a recently ended a relationship with somebody else for someone that has just gone through something extremely emotional and are just not thinking straight when their abuser walks up to them and tries to be the Prince Charming."

Vanessa ends with a reminder, "You are not alone. These men are evil. No matter how many times they say they’re sorry, they will continually do it until you run away. I felt like I was alone without him because that is what he put in my head but all the women out there we are in this together around every corner is someone that’s been abused let others help you live the life that God wanted for you."

"Hello, I'm Brianna and I left my abuser on September 10th 2014. I didn't choose to leave before that because he kept on telling me that I couldn't survive without him. He was the one that made the money. Well it was all lies! Abusers will feed your head with a bunch of lies to tear you down but know that you are strong and you are stronger than words."

She adds; "Words may hurt, but your strength can overcome any words that he could say. Sure, it's hard at first but once you start seeing how much you can do on your own and that every step you make is to prove to him that you can do it and you can be happy again!"

Toni suggests the following:

*If you can and have means to get out of the situation leave the abuser.
*Never stay with the abuser just because you have kids together!
*If the abuser has just started, your heart and mind will tell you enough is enough.
*Get into some sort of counseling even it it's with your Pastor.
*Create and use your support system of family and friends.
*Know you aren't alone. Find a support group with those who have been in your situation.
*Have a plan to execute and leave!
*This is not your fault, don't be blame yourself!
*Never give up faith and hope even on the darkest days.
*When you leave it'll be hard but be strong. Keep your chin up and keep moving forward.  Don't go back!
*Look up resources in your area you can utilize for help, "Crisis Center, etc..."

Maggie says, "I think that is important is to practice self love. When you love yourself I think you quickly recognise when someone isn't treating you with love and respect. When you love yourself it's easier to walk away from those who don't treat you right."

Kristy encourages, "It’s easy to stop hearing your own inner voice in the echoes of the fears, the lies, and the what-ifs. Everybody has the ability to listen to their intuition, though, and it is hardly ever wrong. When you are in an abusive relationship it is easy to mute your intuition, but your intuition is a powerful ally as to the awakenings of the truths and the next steps. If it were easy, nobody would be in negative situations. Just as you have to tend to a flower, you have to tend to your own soul – nobody else will do it.  You make the decision to grow or stop growing. I hope you unsilenced your intuition and choose to start blooming. ~Kristy Robinett – www.kristyrobinett.com

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I hope you found words of support, comfort, and reminder that you are not alone.

Stay safe! 

If you need immediate assistance please visit The Hotline or call your local authorities.

Much love and BIG HUGS,

Mel

P.S. - 
Abuse has no prejudice. It affects all races, ages and genders.

Men are also victims of abuse. It is under reported by males trapped in this situation for fear of ridicule and shame.