Be still. . .

From the time I was little, I wanted peace, love and comfort. Someone that would love me. I prayed to the Lord and questioned His love for me, feeling lost, afraid and hopeless at times. As the years passed and we had escaped my stepfather, life seemed to slip into a surreal normalcy. I was worried that if I blinked it would go away. 

Then I met my abuser. He was a bit different. Things spun out of control and what was normal went Topsy turvy. I felt as though I was suffocating, I felt stuck, and lonely. I feared leaving. I feared moving on. I feared the unknown of how I was going to make it and later how I would make it with 3 kids? 

It hasn't been easy or a cake walk. As I have mentioned on numerous times, I still have concerns for our safety. The years of feeling like I was walking on a tightrope have all but vanished. 

I still have memories, I still have triggers, I still have nightmares and I still sleep with the night light on. I also still have the unwelcome present of HSV2. That little gift serves as a reminder of a rather dark and bleak time that I would rather forget. But forgetting that time would be hasty. That time brought 3 beautiful kids into my life. I still pray that someday I will have a safe and healthy relationship with my eldest Son that is now 19 years old and I have not seen him since the latter part of 2010, after a scary incident involving a "Supervised visit" with our abuser in which the police were called due to an altercation between my ex and his Mom and Dad. He also threatened to slit my daughters throats if I was awarded custody of my girls. Likely, his threats were not taken lightly by the court and I was given custody of our girls and future visits were at Children's Treehouse. Of course that ended badly, but that is an older blog post. 

The old adage, "What doesn't kill you makes your stronger" Irked me and still kind of does. I don't feel any stronger than before. Conflict and argument's still send me into a panic and I can feel myself turn into a "Shrinking Violet", quite literally. 

I am annoyed that though it has been well over 6 years, my ex still hunts for us. Sound weird? Is it in my mind? No, he asks for us. He was sending me messages since we left in 2009 about his love for me, how we will be together someday, that "he forgives me" for everything and that he is a changed man. All of this nonsense is not reality. The reality of the situation is that he needs help. I've looked into prosecuting him for molesting our daughter but that ended up with a brick wall, legally where we reside too much time has elapsed and there is not a darn thing we can do.

I would be a fibber if I didn't say I wanted to get revenge. I still feel strongly about the situation of course for what that monster did. I was amazed at my Daughters bravery once she was free of the "secret" she had been keeping for years. And how she is choosing to forgive him and asked the Lord to help her do so. 

We still have our quirks and we try to help one another get through these. It's not easy. There are times of heated discussions, tears and regret as all of us in this household attempt to navigate through old wounds, of course the dreaded teenage hormones and my premenopause. God love Terry! His patience sometimes gets the better of him. I know we needed a strong person to help us through. God blessed us with that.

I don't know where you are in your journey but do me a favor. Be still for a moment. Wherever you are, stop what you are doing and just be still. What do you hear? Kids bickering? Traffic in your area? TV or radio on? No matter, take moments out of your day to just be still. Leave the camera off or the video option off and just soak in what is around you.                                                                      

After a crazy day at home or work, I have moments of clarity and splendor of how my life is today. I prayed for the life I have many, many years ago. It can be hard when your caught up in the moment to remember the simple blessings that are around you day to day. Such as, birds chirping, lightly tinkling wind chimes,the wind rustling through the trees, frogs and crickets chattering with one another. The sounds of laughter that seem infectious in our home. These sounds seem simple enough right?

There were times where I shut out the world, feeling lost in spirit and physically, while I closed my eyes and mind to some rough situations. I wanted to be someone else, I slowly stopped feeling, oh don't get me wrong, I always felt a wave of emotion when it came to my kids. Call me Momma Bear or fierce when it is needed! I did this to shut off the nasty words or sights I was seeing. I closed off to stop being hurt and to stop hurting.

Recent trip to Michigan City, IN- Washington Park zoo!

Where am I? I was taking the picture! I am getting a wee bit on the fluffy side since all I do is sit at work so I haven't been putting my mug in pictures too much. 

Once you are out of the abusive situation for a number of years there is clarity and to some degree I have understanding about how and why I did what I did and for how long I put up with what I did. I want you to know, Dear Blog reader that you will get through the rough parts, it will take time and there will be times when it seems like time stands still, with no end in sight of painful memories or legally. When this happens take a moment, be still, inhale all the good stuff and exhale all the bad thoughts, memories and pain. Do this for a few moments daily and let me know how it helps!

I know God's not done with me yet. I know He has never left my side and has sprinkled some amazing people and experiences in my life that I never imagined! Our bus project is going well. Terry found someone that will help show him how to weld the floor of the bus so he can then put in a floor and work on the build out of our "future" home. I'm counting the days until we launch and we all can not wait for whatever the good Lord has planned for us.

We hope to take part in helping any farmers/farm communities that need a hand and also to learn as well! Terry is a handyman/IT professional with a marvelous green thumb. We have both jumped into our mini farm with both feet after years of wondering and reading out of books we have tackled Beekeeping, raising Chicken/Ducks/Guinea Fowl/Rabbits, aquaponics (briefly more Terry's thing), forging in the yard for edibles, learning survival techniques, making our own soaps, salves, lotions and miscellaneous concoctions (some good and some bad-eg. my Dandelion wine didn't turn out so good). I am continuing to learn more about energy healing, Reflexology, Homeopathic medicines, Herbal medicine, Birth Doula and using essential oils. We hope to utilize our skills and help where needed, potentially for disaster relief or just healing someone that needs to share and talk.

I hope to meet some of the wonderful Survivors and Mom's of victims that I have come to exchange messages with over the past several years and I hope to inspire someone trapped in a abusive situation that they can find freedom, safety and a reason to live.

I'll quite ranting for a bit. If you need to talk feel free to reach me on FB-Melinda Kunst. I have several profiles- One is for my Reflexology page- Melinda Kunst (Healing Hearts), and just Melinda Kunst or at my email that I check regularly at blessmeplz@gmail.com

Stay safe and strong!

BIG HUGS!
Mel