A little about me

Thursday, October 9, 2014

"I don't want to be alone."

"What if I never find love?"
"What if I never find someone to never hurt me again?"
"I don't want to be alone"
"I'm damaged goods and no one will ever want me"
"How come I keep attracting such losers?"

Sound familiar?

I've said those words. I've thought those thoughts. I have been there. I have been in a crowded room feeling more lonely then ever.
It's a tough situation. Especially when your heart is feeling like it is twisted and torn apart.

Perhaps your thinking, "Seriously, Melinda!? I'm so not thinking about anyone right now!" Maybe not, but there may come a time when you get a hankering for a companion.

So thoughts on this?

How about a pet! A fish, four legged critter or something that slithers! Animals are very grounding, loving and can just melt away much the tension from a love lost or abusive situation. A plus is a cat or dog can make an excellent alarm system for you if things are hairy with an ex.

"How can I ever trust a man/woman again!?"

Baby steps! Healing needs to be a priority! Your mind, body and spirit can be off kilter, making you feel moody, depressed and unsure of yourself.

I felt very unworthy, ugly and just plain unlovable for over a year later after finally leaving my ex. No matter what my family and friends did to try to give me kind compliments and boosting me, I didn't believe any of it. Looking in the mirror was something I rarely did for long periods of time. Feeling ashamed to look myself in the eye.

I hated that woman in the mirror. She was a coward, stupid and a waste of flesh. She was someone that allowed a monster harm her children and herself. Digging out of the darkness and into the light was a challenge. The smile that was plastered on my face for so long was forced, painted on and not genuine. A friend encouraged me to look at myself in the mirror, telling myself as I looked myself in the eye that I loved myself, that I was beautiful and worthy to be loved. This took time! I couldn't do it at first, half chuckling and feeling foolish. That was hard, but why?

I left my abuser! Why didn't I feel better? Why didn't I feel better about me?

I can be my own worst enemy.

I begun to pour over self help books, positive affirmations, making myself vision boards, creating goals and wishes for me. Eating better, exercising more and finding out what I wanted in life for me and my kids.

Over the past few years I have been in and out of counselors offices. My favorite counselor, Kim, excused herself from our case due to threats and fear of my ex. This sadden me and the girls, since we all loved her. She was like a old friend that we could tell anything too and left the visit with dried tears but yet comforted. After that I never found that feeling again, also after leaving my last counseling session, I felt worse then when I went in!

What's a girl to do? I began to do meditation, started to journal and blogging again. I started to find things I always wanted to learn and do. Enter a reawakening of my spiritual journey! I thirsted for the living water that I only found in my Bible and church (a great KJV Bible believing church!). On this journey I have found healing of my spirit and self and met a bunch of wonderful people in the mean time.

I created a Bucket List, as suggested, by my then boyfriend, Terry. He suggested to think of as many big, outlandish or small things that tickle my fancy. View my Labels for my previous post for my list!

I have to admit that I am very blessed to have found someone that is supportive, loving and caring so quickly after leaving my abuser. I wasn't looking for love at that time. I really wanted to run off in the woods with my kids and become a homesteader living off the land. I did get part of that! I didn't bargain for love, but have thanked God for him.

Trust your instincts if you begin your journey on healing. Keep yourself safe and if you have kids or furbabies, see how they interact with the new person you let in. BUT, do so with an open mind. Even though you really like this person, most kids and dogs can be an excellent judge of a person!

In a nutshell, you don't have to be alone, but you do need to be safe, take it slow and be open to other friends and loved one's when you do let someone into your life again. You will get there, believe me but it takes time. Don't rush it!

God bless and big hugs!