A little about me

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Spreading your wings. . .

You maybe scratching your head wondering how to gain the courage to leave your abusive situation. Thinking about your future is barely on your mind. Thoughts about just living day to day were things that I thought of after leaving my abuser.

I allowed myself daydreams from time to time. Relishing the thought of being free of any haunting nightmares, stalking or any contact with my ex.

I would envision myself a year from where I was. I thought of finding "normal". Finding a place that I would feel safe. I created a vision board filled with images, words and phrases that made me feel empowered, happy and even a bit adventurous!

Some of the images and words were simple:
Create, Dream, Envision, flowers, shiny things, Love, country type of pictures and other things that spoke to me.

I looked at it daily. I said Positive Affirmations. I continued to let myself daydream and I made a Bucket List, which included far out kind of stuff, like baking cookies, learning how to play chess, going different places (You can find my list in the Label section).

I took a break for me. I needed a breather! I read my Bible, continued to pray and at one point in my journey I forgave my abuser. That doesn't make the hurt go away but Lord, was that freeing! I felt as thought a weight was off my shoulders! I read some self help books. I allowed myself time to cry, usually when the kids were at school.

After leaving an abusive situation, everyone needs to re-learn how to live. Kids need to learn to play and imagine. Many times kids of abuse may take on a "parental role" or act grown up, and the act of playing can be hard for them. I mentioned it before in earlier blog posts about how kids can act out or symptoms of PTSD/Depression can appear months or years after leaving an abuser.

Here we are 5 years later. I looked back at earlier blog posts, I felt the hurts and anger from that earlier time. I feel I learned a bunch about the legal system, myself and kids. I had to learn to "Love me". I hated myself for a time. I didn't like who I was in the mirror.  Habits developed over time from living with my abuser are still ghosts of my past that I am working to change. Such as, following behind my husband, Terry, I can walk at his side. I can voice my opinion or distaste. I can even leave the toilet paper roll hanging with the paper in the back of the roll rather then with the sheets on top. Know what I mean?

I haven't dusted in over a month. I still haven't balanced my check book since leaving my ex, I keep a tally in my head and I'm very frugal with my money!

I can go on and on! I spread my wings and am flapping, getting ready to soar! I have some things in the works that I'm super excited about. I have finished my book and hope to publish in the next few weeks! This will also include surrendering and taking a leap of faith that will take myself, Terry and kids on an amazing journey within the next few months or years.

Prayers for you Dear Blog reader in whatever stage of life you are at. If you are currently in a dangerous situation, please get help! You maybe thinking, "It's not that bad" or "Name calling is all it is".

Abuse is abuse no matter what form it is. You deserve better! It doesn't matter if you male, female, child, teen, elderly or what have you. No one deserves to be abused. Contact local police, or reach out to the National Hotline for abuse or let a trusted friend/relative/teacher know.

Stay safe and God bless!