Hold on!

I sat in the break room, half listening to the talk show my co-workers loved to watch during lunch and caught a segment that featured a female guest that endured abuse during her marriage. The host on the show was sympathetic to her and when the partner was announced, the crowd when wild, booing and shouting what a loser he was.

A co-worker voiced how stupid the woman was and how she would have let that guy have it. I piped up that these situations don’t typically start this way and build up. Another survivor of abuse also voiced the same sentiment and added, no one looks to be abused and after a while you believe this is all there is.  The young lady quickly grew quiet and didn’t say another word.

I shook my head, but pondered how many people out there think how “stupid” I must be.  The topic of abuse is a really out in the media due to fascination of how it has effected starts and athletes. While the hearts of those not in this situation may look negatively on the abuser, even more scrutiny is frowned upon the victim.

Unless you have been in an abusive situation or been closely involved with a loved one in this situation, you can never fully understand.  To be honest, there are times I don’t understand how I allowed the abuse to happen, or how I allowed myself to seem blind to the signs of the abuse between my children and myself. 

I am still haunted by my decisions.

I am not a certified authority or legal representative. I am a Survivor, having many hours of research about the subject and mental aspect via books, internet, some college classes and those involved in the medical and legal profession.

I have gleaned many things from a great support system that has allowed me to heal from my experiences. I can’t say I know everything nor do I profess to say I have the magical answer for you, but I can share what has worked for my situation in order for me to move on to a living a healthy future.

It breaks my heart to hear stories from other victims that feel as though there is no hope. The sinking feeling that you are stuck in a bad relationship or getting screwed over by our legal system can make you feel as though you will never break free of the cycle of darkness that seems like it hangs over you like a cloud.

Abuse is found in every race, religion, sex. As many forms as it is found it, you can also find various forms of abuse, from financial, sexual, religious, parental, bullying, verbal, mental, emotional and more.  I am in awe at the levels of depravity that is inflicted on another.  I really do not understand it. Even as I was going through it, I didn't understand. How one person can do such awful or horrifying things to another person or animal is beyond me. Or worse there is no remorse from the abuser.

I could still see in my mind’s eye my abuser standing over me with a belt in hand, smirking. Telling me that I deserved whatever it was he was dishing out. 

I have a hard time with the thought that, it’s because he is mentally sick or unstable, so in the medical profession that makes it okay?

I mentioned before that I had to hit rock bottom before I woke up to really listen to my inner self to know this was not right. I prayed to God to just take me to end the pain, yet, knowing in the back of my mind that would leave my kids at the hands of a mad man.

I had to face my own demons, dig deep for strength, I read my Bible, prayed and scoured over passages to find validation that we were meant for more. I found it in the pages of that Bible. Later several people would enter into my life briefly to serve as a reminder. I truly believe they were sent from God as a reassurance that everything would be OK, not to give up and to HOLD ON!

Stay safe and God bless you on whatever stage of your journey you are on!