I hate the feeling of fear

I am getting better.

I see the effects of the past abuse with the girls. The behavior and how they perceive the world around them is so different between the two of them and just makes me feel mad as well as happy with the choice I made to leave the madness.

I have a confession. I have been feeling so nervous and worried. Oh, I know what is unusual about that? Or what else is new?

I pee'd my pants during a bad dream that I couldn't wake up from. It was about STBX and so real that I pee'd my pants in my dream and in real life. I woke up in a panic, my heart racing, sweaty and embarassed that I had to wake up Terry to announce my accident.

When does it end? When can I look at some random item and not STILL break into tears or stepback in victim mode? Breaking free of the years of programming to find myself. To be someone the girls can look back to and not remember a quivering mess of snot or panic when "he" is around or called?

Since the Protective Order has been lifted the neighbor says she see's "him" around more often. I got a call from "him" on Saturday while I was out with girls. I know it was him. No one spoke on the other line they just listened. The call came from his Mom's house and he is working on the basement. (Yes, he has been "working" on it for more then several months). He is a terrible procrastinator and in usual fashion he is taking his time. Hell's bell's if anyone ticks him off during this time because he will walk off, leaving it undone. Example is his older sister's basement in which he almost completed after too many months and then something set him off and he left them high and dry, not returning to finish.

GOSH! I'm super happy we are not living there anymore! BIG CHEESY SMILE!

I received the paperwork for the Supervised visit info and intake forms. The cost is $45.00 per hour! It can be on a sliding scale if need be and since magically his income went down over $20,000.00 in less then a year. I am sure he will be able to work out something. The visits are set up for 5 hours. The next court date is quickly approaching, no word from the GAL and of course no visitation set up yet. So I'm guessing yet another set back in the seemingly never ending divorce.

I'm so frustrated and want to throw the covers over my head, staying in bed and not leaving the house. Getting going seems to take me awhile, I'm more forgetful then ever, oh, it's little things! Forgetting things for groceries, sadly I forgot to wish my Dad Happy Birthday months ago! I forget conversations that happened 10 mins after I have had them! Age? I'm not sure but frustrated. Feeling terribly whiny and unable to just function. My exercise is on the back burner. No job prospects. Hoping to find something I can do out of the house. Maybe clean houses? Something I can do and take Mini Man with me or something I can take him with that has childcare not far away or expensive.

My Student loan is mocking me, growing in interest monthly and no nibbles. I went to an interview at a Chiropractor's office and felt really good about it. I can do the job! I swear it had my name on it! But apparently so did over 15 or 20 other people. SIGH! Hoping the Doula services would come into play soon. I have a ache and itch in my heart, knowing that something is around the corner, that I am meant to do something helpful. Even this blog has been a great thing for me, to know that other's know they are not alone in the fight to keep surviving, not only in day to day but in legal land as well.

I'm not perfect
I'm learning new things daily
I stumble often
I question myself way too much and fail to keep leaning on the Lord
I question Him (God) about my path
I don't open up enough to my loved ones
I hate confrontation
I hate fighting
I hate swearing (A nasty habit that I try not to use. I end up saying "Oh Sugar!" or "Son of a Building Block" it's all the same, still swearing! LOL!)
I am human
Many times I force a smile when I don't really want to smile at all
I try to treat others as I like to be treated
The girls and I do not have a perfect relationship (J and the rest of us frequently butt heads. She is need of definate counseling and I can't put it off anymore. She is also 13 and knows it all! I was never 13 and can't know anything of being that age and she is 13 going on 30)

I can see why many victims and survivors turn to drugs and alcohol! I don't drink often and usually split a bottle of wine with Terry during our dinner meal. More then 3 glasses and I'm giggling like crazy! I don't do more then 4 or 5 otherwise I get a "hot" feeling and I don't like that. So I have never gotten throw up drunk. YUCK! I have gotten a headache after but nothing more. OOOPPPSSS! Sorry rambling!

I was asked the question "Are you happy?" (Terry)
I have didn't know how to answer that! In the past the question was turned into:
"I hope your happy now!"
"See what you did! I hope your happy!"
"Whatever do what makes you happy"
"Does making me hit you or yell at you make you happy?"

All filled with rage. Not sincere. Not genuinely interested if I'm happy or creating happiness.
I didn't know how to really answer that at first. Took me awhile to process. I am happier. I struggle daily but yes, I am happy!

Thanks for listening!

God bless!

When will the madness end?

I'm mulitasking, sitting on my favorite chair, sipping on coffee, watching FOX News (Not the IL news channel), blogging about things that seem surreal that happen in my life. Reminded of memories of a life from almost 3 years ago where I lived stepping on eggshells daily. Never knowing if the day would take a turn for the worse or be a calm one. Even with a calm day you wait for the other shoe to drop and dread something that sets off my Gaslighter (NARC, Psychopath, Abuser, whatever you want to call him they are all appropiate.)

Sunday, I planned on heading to church, I have been lax in going lately and really felt we needed to go. Starting the day as usual above, oh I may get crazy and exercise (last week I took it off working out as my parts still are hurting from the Turkey Run adventure a few weeks back. Sorry rambling...)

STBX begins to text me, they start off nice (Surprise surprise!) Asking how I am doing, do I want to meet for coffee (Oh, yes I really want to put myself in front of the bear!) I did say No, of course that set off a firestorm of messages that I am his and since his GF left him it's my fault and unless she comes back to him I he will come get me! Also to get "Him" out so he can come over. (Him is Terry)

Oh, and he has to drop off his GF first, HUH?

He goes on and on... He hasn't changed. I wonder if the Anger Management classes went well. That is sarcasm. Sounds like the same behavior pattern from before.

Then a string of messages from our Son, which I doubt this, more like Psycho's other personality. I was still worried about many threats in the messages, so, I got A. up, J. was staying at her friends house, I texted Terry to say we were going to my Mom's and called my Sister, Mandy, to tell what was up, she said just go to Mom's (Great minds think alike). 

Terry asked what was going on. I told him R., was at it again. He called me not even 15 seconds later alarmed and knowing that my brain goes to panic mode immediately when I deal with Crazy Man. I was running around like a chicken without a head.

Terry asked if I phone the police and I whined, "No, what does it matter, they aren't going to do anything." He replied, Honey, Honey, calm down. Now what's going on? You know you need to document everytime this *%$#! pulls this kind of *#&%! He is not supposed to be texting or talking to you, per the court. Everything is through his attorney! So, call the police, as to be escorted to your car to be safe and see if you can file a police report.

He was reminding me to calm down, by this time I think he was more worked up then I! See, he is still away for work and can't just be home in a few minutes. I could picture him on the other end of the phone pacing like a Lion! I could hear the worry in his voice, which wasn't calming me down by now. I squashed the panic attack down, as now is not the time to have to deal with that! All the while I am getting dings on my phone about another text message. There ended up being 12 text messages, nasty and mean. One stating M., is going to beat Terry up until he can't walk or see, if he ever see's him. One that says I abused him and another that said, I was the one sleeping around with others and that's how we got diseased. Terry and I talked for a few more minutes and then I did as we discussed.

The police came in no time, I talked to a close person and told her the situation so she can keep an eye on our place if she was around the area. The police showed up while I was speaking to her. He took my statement, and watched as the kids and I piled in the car. On the way I left a message with Crazy Man's attorney, and I later emailed the GAL some alarming emails sent to my Sister, Mandy, later that day. Oh, yes the crazy messages were from time to time throughout the day. Cruel, mean and crazy ramblings. Enough for me not to sleep too well. I am still jumpy!

I stayed away from home almost all day yestreday, my friend called me to tell me she noticed an unmarked squad car sitting in the parking lot for quite sometime, which makes me wonder if they are going to finally take his threats seriously! So when does this end? With me missing or found a hot mess somewhere? Oh I will not go down without a fight this time. But I don't wish it to take that turn. I just want it over. I would love the judge to say, "OK, your divorced!" Then maybe Crazy Man will get the picture. I have no doubt he will be a thorn in my side for a long time. I am counting the years that I have to continue to deal with him! 6 if I'm lucky, longer if they go to college.

Maybe... Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Pray that we remain safe and for an end to our seemingly never ending divorce. I'm so desparate for closure to the divorce. I do not wish for any harm to anyone. I wish for him to realize I'm not coming back to him ever.