I cowered in the corner. Trying my best not to cry and feeling totally helpless and desparate not to get hurt again like I had in the past. His shouting and arguing had led me to this familiar corner of the room. I felt like a animal ready for the slaughter. My stomach hurt. I couldn't catch my breath but couldn't let on that I was feeling as frightened as I already outwardly was.
He stood above me with a coy dark smile. His face was cloudy but filled with rage. His fist clenched so hard I swore his knuckles would pop out of his skin.
My mind jumbled for some sort good reason to appease him as to why I failed to make some calls about bills. I forgot is not good enough. I ran out of time is not good either. I had no good, valid reason. I hurridly went about my day like normal, rushing about like a squirrel in traffic, trying to make sure I store my nuts before the winter.
Oh that's how everyday felt. Like I was rushing about with a list of things that numbered from a unrealistic checklist of people, place and things to do. I usually did everything by the skin of my teeth. But not that day.
I managed to squeak out that I was sorry and it wouldn't happen again. His face changed into a gentle smile and he offered a hand up. I felt a rush of relief! YEA!
After helping me up, he takes me and shoves me so faster then I had time to register what happened and I'm falling backwards into the wall behind me. I let out a sigh as I went down. My teeth had clenched together from the impact. My head hurt and arms felt bruised.
He stomped away in a huff, muttering under his breath. I stayed there like a rag doll for what seemed like forever, in actuality it was a few minutes. I rose slowly, ever so carefully. My head felt like it was filled with cotton. From behind me I heard quick steps rushing towards me. I felt a adreniline and turned around with such force my back cracked. I turned fast enough to see him coming at me with the cold stare of hate etched on it. His intention was to do further battle.
He started screaming that I was lazy and good for nothing, along with some obsenities I was used to. I felt wobbly, still shook up from the incident just a bit before. I raised my arms to protect myself while he sneered with a fist in mid air, somehow I grew a set of man parts and stopped his hand and punched him in the stomach! He looked stunned!
"You hit me, Mel! I didn't hit you! I was just coming to see if you were okay after you fell!"
I yelled back that I was protecting myself!
He spoke softly and said, "Mel, you really need to get help before you hurt one of the me or one of the kids! I'll let this go but we need to talk to the doctor about meds for you. Or perhaps a Psych eval."
"I think you need to rethink who is abusive in this family. I have was protecting myself from you Mel. I saw you look wild and that's why my hands were up because I wasn't sure what you were going to do to me."
I was stunned, pumped up with SheMomma emotions! I felt both stupid and angry at him and myself. At the same time I knew what he was doing. He had a habit of doing or saying things to make me feel like I was nuts. Truth is I thought I was losing it.
There was a time, I believed if I fought back I was to blame for the abuse as much as he was. He would bark he would call the police on me and take the kids. I would never see them again.
But I very rarely hit back. I usually just took whatever crap he hit me with. It wasn't until much later I realized I was not crazy. I was not abusive and he was twisted. I was defending myself from a potentially heated situation. I never struck my children out of anger or abused them as my ex had. He rationalized all of his reactions to situations with some sort funky spin to make me the bad guy or he always has someone else be the scapegoat. Never fully taking responsiblity for his actions.
So Dear one, if you are trapped in a situation that sounds similar, please know you are not alone. Contact a trusted friend or relative, shelter or even the Police to get help. Don't hide in the darkness any longer. It is scary to leave an abusive situation. I'm not going to sugar coat it. But you will be in a much better place once you have left.
Please view my other posts on "Safety". Check into the "Aspire" app created by Dr. Phil's wife, which looks like a regular news feed but secretly has info to get help locally.
Prayers and hugs for you!