Tuesday, September 9, 2014
I did it!
I couldn't help myself!
I thought deeply and searched my heart before doing so. . .
I reached out to my eldest son. I was nervous as I waited for him to pick up. I fumbled for words and managed to spew out, "Howdy, Matt, it's Mom, er, Melinda, I just wanted to say I hope your doing well."
There was a pause, than he began to say I wasn't supposed to have his number. There is nothing legally stating I could not call him. He kept on for another minute, telling me "Melinda, you can't contact me." and more. I could feel a lump forming in my throat and tears stinging my eyes, I ended quickly with a warm message to say I was thinking about him and hope he has a great day.
About a half hour later, my cell phone was blasted with 16 text messages. None of them friendly.
Who was I kidding? I guess part of me hoped and wished he would have said something like, "Mom? I missed you!" or "I have been thinking about you too!"
My co-workers are so caring to support and lift me up. I was laughing after a bit which helped lift my spirits.
I didn't get any of that. I had Terry check the messages when I got home. I was a blubbery mess at work, half due to the conversation and half because the hopeful bubble I created prior to making the call was popped.
The messages hit about 10 points. None of which have a shred of truth or sanity to them, my guess they are at the hand of my ex.
They range from me saying:
Rob killed animals, belonging to family members and that has proof, as he works with his dad alot and know he knows where he is. (I have no idea what that or who that is about. And that Rob doesn't know where we live.
The stuff in those papers are lies and he always sees the mail first.( I think he means the Protective Order I just filed).
There is more. Honestly I don't understand most of it and I guess I never will. I blame myself for this one, but I deeply wanted to hear my son's voice. I haven't see him in over 5 years. I keep praying that someday there will be an understanding and healing.
So Dear blog readers, today's lesson. . . Don't poke the bear if you don't need to.
I tell you, I am not a professional and I do flub up along the way.
I keep you in prayer for strength and reassurance for guidance for your situation! And please do the same for me, I need all the help I can get!
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Depending on where you on with your journey, you still may feel the need to just let out a scream!
It is still surprising to me at how many times I shake my fist to heaven with tear filled eyes or that I still have a nightmare that causes me to wet the bed or to watch the tics or anxieties that still plague my children.
Out of all of these things the outcome from years of abuse that effect my children has left quite an impression of hopelessness, worry and deep heartache. No band aid can bind up the wounds caused. No kiss or hug can wipe away the memories.
No amount of beating myself is going to make it go away.
I apologized to my girls. I hug them. Let them know I love them and I did ask for forgiveness. I am eternally grateful that God gave me strength not give up and He didn't give up on me,though there were times I questioned His ways. There was a peace. Many times there was a stillness in my heart that everything would be okay and that we were not alone.
I don't understand it. I still have a hard time forgiving "Me" for keeping us where we were. Though in all honesty it worked out the way it did for a purpose not for my understanding.
How do I hold it together? I pray A LOT! I am a chatterbox with the Lord! I read my Bible and find verses that helped build me up. I keep my favorite verses in my wallet, purse or where I can view it regularly! I have a prayer journal of thoughts and prayers for my family and friends. Most effectively, I plead the blood of Christ over me and my family. I ask God to send me a hedge of protection and don't hesitate to call on Prayer Warriors to help!
I have been pretty candid on here. I have shared everything I can about my life and experiences. Oh, sure I don't go into intimate details about some of the sexual abuse. I feel I have been descriptive enough. The blogging has helped me greatly! I know I am not alone. Thousands of men and women have passed through this blog. I am still shocked and saddened by the stats.
I literally swipe my arms, head and body from negative thoughts or when I feel down. I brush it down or throw it to the ground. For added happiness I step on those nasty things or imagine a drain taking all of those things down and away from me.
I get out in nature! I unplug and just listen to the birds or the wind rustling through the leaves/trees. If I can I go barefoot and imagine myself with roots reaching down like a plant! Go somewhere that makes you happy! If you can't (money can be tight!) use your imagination, by going to a "Happy place" that is special to your or maybe it can be a memory where you felt safe and loved.
Play inspiring or soothing music! Color or dig out some craft supplies! Have a pet? Play with him/her! If you have kids, play with them! Spending time with your kids is of course first and foremost to help you and them recover.
Picture yourself in a white light or pink (Love) or blue (Calming) light has helped me when I needed to talk to my ex or when I had to go to court. Cutting Etheric cords that attached me to my past abuser also has helped (I will get a separate posting about these!)
Set goals for yourself! Where do you see yourself in a month? 6 months? 1 year? 2 years? 5 and so on. . .
Talk with a professional if you need to. Do what works for you! What works for me is entirely different from everyone else. Don't feel bad if you do something that takes a medicinal turn. I went more of a holistically path of healing with my path and non medicinal. I found essential oils, flowers, Bach's Flowers, Positive Affirmations, Dream boards are what worked for me.
An occasional bout of screaming and crying still works too!
These are just a few things that worked for me. I am still struggling even after 5+ years. I struggle with getting child support, bad dreams and panic attacks. These are getting few and far between, but you are not alone in your fight! Don't give up! I believe in you!
God bless my Dear Friend!