A little about me

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Brook, IN, United States
Abuse doesn't stop at the court room. Melinda has shared her battles in her life and through the court room as she navigates through the legal system Bringing encouragement, insight and empowerment to those that are in a abusive relationship. She is in the process of creating a new life, speaking engagements to "Break the Silence" of abuse, while putting a face to abuse. She is currently working on writing a book about her experiences as a Survivor.View short Bio here- https://www.patheos.com/blogs/ahappymedium/2013/02/notbrokenbutbrave/

Friday, June 23, 2017

Looking back at the past...

Dearest Blog reader,

I don't know where you are in your circumstances. I don't know how you are surviving. I don't know anything about you. But I know something going on in your life or the life of someone you care about brought you here.

I can tell you a few things of importance...

1) You are NOT to blame

2) You WILL get through this!

3) You are STRONGER than you think you are

4) You are BRAVER than you believe

5) You are NOT worthy to be treated poorly

6) It will take TIME to heal! Your past experiences won't go away the minute you walk away from your abuser. Those memories will be with you for life. As time passes it will become as raw and intense as it was in the beginning. I promise!

7) You are NOT ALONE. Though I will be honest that it may feel as though it is during the time when you just leave. I felt very lonely as well.

I can't believe where I am right now. I've said it numerous times and I'll mention it again:

The life I am living right now is SURREAL. There is no jumping out of my skin waiting for the shoe to drop. I have taken to even getting rid of some nightlights (Solar lights). I have a greater confidence. I still dislike confrontations. I can still be a pushover.

I still have moments to give me pause and on a rare occasion I may cry or think about the past.

Don't give up! I believe in you...

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

I have a secret!

I only told a handful of folks about this...

My estranged Son reached out to me. 

I'm torn about this. 

Why?! Isn't this what I one of the things I have been whining about for years?

Well yeah! 

Can I trust him?

Can I trust it's not some big sinister plot? I had a loved one mention that I could get shot up close if we were to meet. 

I'd be lying if the thought didn't cross my mind among other scary prospects.  

He contacted me out of the blue. He asked to see his brother. 

We have been corresponding back and forth. Small talk to build trust.  

Most of the family are not ready to have a reunion anytime soon. They had some sort of correspondence with him that left a bitter taste. 

There was a deep possibility it wasn't my Son they were speaking to but my ex. 

So could this be a good thing? I am optimistic. 

I am going slow.  

Now if you are new to my blog and don't understand what is the big deal is I'll give a brief summary of why my loved ones are concerned about my Son.

He attempted to start a fire in my apartment and advised if that didn't work he would stab me to death while I slept. 

I returned him to his father. That same day.

Later the same year he attacked Terry in the courthouse.

There were various death threats and hate emails. Some of which we were unsure if they were wrote by my ex.

These are some of the reasons for concern. 

Right now he wants answers for why I put him in the mental facility, why I wanted to keep him from going to Scotland for a church trip and why I wrote a letter to put him in jail after the incident with Terry.

I advised him to go to the elementary school where a serious matter was brought to my attention. As well as to contact someone to discuss his Juvenile detention file. He claims he has and that I am not telling the truth about these serious incidents. 

FYI- You can't just put someone in a mental facility. There has to be an evaluation first. He was evaluated at the request of his elementary school for drawing threatening pictures (he's 21 years old now and graduated from HS) at the time he was about 13 years old or so. He was admitted by his father. I was not the insurance holder so he had to admit him to evaluated for 72 hours.

As for the Juvenile detention situation was due to the attack at the courthouse. It was witnessed by the Sheriff and on video. Terry never filed charges but due to the circumstances and witnesses he was held and later had to appear in court. I had discussed with family this situation and the response about what to do about this was to see if he can be held for a bit or perhaps a family member on my ex's side could become guardian in order to stop the damage being done due to brainwashing. 

Both sides of the family were involved in all of these incidents. We knew something needed to be done yet I could find no one that would actually stand up and say "I'll help for sure!" 

So he stayed with his dad. 

I had no legal control over any of these matters. I didn't go to court under the advisement of my attorney, family and friends that were concerned over my physical well being. 

As for Scotland I wanted him to go. What a cool thing to do! I had no funds to help. He did go but apparently there was trouble due to the Juvenile incident.

I'm afraid he wants !e to admit to things I am not guilty of doing.

The whole thing left a sour taste that I couldn't get rid of. I felt so helpless, confused and sad. This young man that I raised basically on my own turned against me. My eldest Daughter still is just as befuddled as I about why my Son performed these actions that brought me to leave him with my ex. 

In a nutshell that's it. I don't know why I went into this long explanation. I was asked to stop talking about his dad and his step-mom. I didn't know I was?

I have no plans on keeping quiet about my past. Long ago I decided not to keep secrets anymore. 

On one hand what kind of Mom am I? I still have a longing to bring back the time before we left. Before I lost my Son. I miss him deeply unable to just put the past to bed. Wishing to trust him and hoping he would understand and remember the events that unfolded that led to those situations.

In a separate side line. Mr. Awesome printed my story. I have been editing it in hopes it will be published as a 3 part ebook or 1 big ebook. I'm not sure. Getting through this is rough. I just finished a blog post on the family blog Our homesteading happenings
I noted how as I reread through the pages I have a yearning to hug that woman in those pages. To let her know she will be okay, to keep strong and to know there will be safety. 

I cried. I needed a hug. Thankfully I got one! There was no doubt about that. 

Despite this time that has gone by, my past is still ever present. Make sense?

Whatever your challenges you are having may you find the solution you seek. 

I hope your day is as wonderful as you are. 

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Sunday, April 30, 2017

Walking away

I walked away over 8 years ago...

Well, that's wrong! I ran!

Literally!

Funny thing is I keep trying to run away from this blog. Not to forget it or the past that sometimes still creeps up on me but because why bother with it? This blog has helped me grow, breakdown, rant, cry and heal.

This blog has also brought awareness to others by sharing my story as well as new friendships.

The past few weeks have been a reminder to blow the dust off of this blog, visit it more often, keep sharing and inspire.

So how has the past few weeks been?

I have been put in touch with several victims of DV, in addition at my workplace we were all thrust into a situation where a guest (I work at a hotel) was a victim experiencing abuse.

I offered her my calling card, which has this blog on it, my email address and phone number should she need a ear. I give her an option of just visiting our YouTube channel to hear my story.

There were a dozen or so of amazing Momma Hens that came to her rescue. They offered advice of leaving the *sshole and running him over (we witnessed him hopping on the hood of her car, egging her on and yelling at her through the windshield).

She remained swollen eyed. Stating he only gets this way when he drinks. Funny, he seemed to be a douche bag without the drink.

It reminded me of the lies we tell ourselves as victims.

He/She is only this way when they drink or use drugs.

There are promises never to do it again.

That it's our fault. If I hadn't done, blah, blah, blah to make him/her angry everything would be fine.

If I can hold out until the kids are older...

If our finances improve everything will be O.K.

If I can save money to leave...

If I can find a place that can take us/me/furbabies...

If, if, if...

No one can tell you when to leave. They can encourage and build you up. You are already in a volatile situation so getting into a argument with a supporter is something you don't need.

I've said it before. You will know instinctively when to leave. I call it hitting "Rock Bottom". Something jars you and rocks your world to the point you realize "It's now or never".

Now for everyone it's something different. Perhaps someone beats the tar out of you, your child or furbabies. Perhaps you are raped. Tired or living in constant fear. There are countless situations.

Sometimes you just can't plan to leave it just happens so fast you almost feel as though you are holding your breath and when you finally breathe it's surprising you still are.

On the flipside it's frustrating for your support team. They are sad to see you go through this! They may be tired of hearing how you plan on leaving but haven't or if you have you've gone back. (Maybe again and again)

Walking away is a lonely time. It's a lot different then leaving a "normal relationship". How so?


With a normal breakup there is still loneliness, tears and venting.

When you leave a DV relationship there is fear, potentially: Death threats/promises, stalking, damage to property or even physical attacks.  There is a thin line between life and death when you are attempting to get out.

Dare I remind you of those that get out and either go back or jump into another relationship with a different abuser. Many times because of not wanting to be alone. Just wanting to feel safe. Loved and wanted.

I can say leave the Toaster, screw the house, other belongings, leave the revenge and just leave.

Get out with your dignity, for safety, your pride and your life.

You Dearest Blog reader are worth MORE then physical THINGS. Those can be replaced and YOU CAN NOT!

Is there a Happily ever after? Sort of.

This life I am living now is so darned surreal that it feels as though if someone pinches me I'll wake up back at the hands of my abuser. Seriously!

Mr. Awesome and I still have issues but it's nothing like my first marriage.

I still haven't forgiven myself for screwing up my kids. And dare I say if you have children leave as soon as you can before it gets too late! Don't wait until they are older or stay because you don't believe in divorce (if you are married) or staying because you don't want the hassle of telling your child why Mom and Dad aren't together anymore.

That can be handled gently. Counseling if needed.

While walking away can be scary. It can also be a whole new life for you! One that you never dreamed.

Walking away may mean you totally start over in a new area (check legally about how far you can take your child before taking them too far in our area of Northern IN you are allowed to take child within 130 mile radius).

Walking away means you can reinvent yourself!

Walking away means you can be free and safe. By taking precautions first! Such as ditching your cell phone (request a new number) or block your abuser. I like the idea of getting a new cell instead so you can pick and choose those you trust to have the number.

Go dark during this time. What do I mean? Hop off social media, dating sites, or party scene. Learn to love "You"! See this My Bucket List and this Positive Mantras.

Why hop off social media and such? After you leave you "May" feel like a kid in the candy store when no one is around. You may do things you later regret. It could turn into a party time for you where you should be healing you and your wee ones. Mr. Awesome calls that period of 2 years or so the 2 year crazies. In his experience he saw friends go off the deep end to catch up on the fun they think they missed out on.


As a victim turned Survivor, getting healthy inside and out is a MUST! You don't realize how hurt you are until you are away from that situation. I'm talking months to years later do you realize. You may be thinking you weren't that effected. Give me the benefit of the doubt please.

Take time to heal yourself. 

Surround yourself with a tribe of support and loving people. This may mean ditching old friends or changing your lifestyle to a more positive one.

The point of this is to just take time for you.

I sound redundant I know!

I also know these things from experience. Not to nag but to hopefully give advise on what worked for me. 

Don't give up on your dreams. Don't give up on yourself. Your not a failure or useless.

You are:

Beautiful
Worthy of happiness
Wonderful
Deserving of a safe environment

Plan if you need to but don't give up! I believe in you!

I hope your day is as wonderful as you are Dear Blog reader!

BIG HUGS!
~Mel

Saturday, February 25, 2017

WOW! Can you believe this?! I left my abuser 8 years ago today...

It has been 8 YEARS today that I broke free from my abuser! HALLELUJAH! Where did the time go? There was a time when it seemed like days wouldn't go by fast enough and here I am today 8 years later!



I will be hosting a FB Live at 4:00 pm CST sharing things I have gleaned along the way, a little of our escape story and other ramblings. Feel free to join in- Melinda Kunst. I have a picture of myself and Mr. Awesome with a surprised look on our faces plugging our YouTube channel.

This year actually feels like I should be celebrating. I'm not exactly sure why. I had a suggestion that perhaps I should do something like burn or destroy something that we shared- shirt or electronic... Now if you recall some of my other posts I had donated and threw out a LOT of things we had that reminded me of him. On one hand that sounds like a marvelous idea! On the other hand, I really like the griddle I kept. Silly right?! 

Or maybe I should have had a pinata with his face on it and the family should have taken turns hitting the heck out of it. But does this feed any resentment or negativity that is still found in any of us? 

So I decided to nix the idea for now. Not to say in the future we may consider this but for right now I'll pass.

If you are just starting on my blog let me start by saying I'm sorry you are here (Unless you are one of my AWESOME Friends or Family then thank you for stopping by!). 

I apologize because it gives me a heavy heart that most of my traffic is due to abuse not because you want to hear my latest rant about chickens or how wonderful my garden looks. More then likely you are here trying to sort out your feelings or how to leave your abuser. 
Checklist for leaving your abuser

Either way my Dearest Blog reader I can honestly say I know what you are mentally going thru. I understand the anguish of "Should I or shouldn't I?" or "Is it really that bad?"

Been there done that, got the T-shirt and the postcard! Once you decide to make that leap of faith can you find the strength to stay gone?

Perhaps you have a situation where if he/she stops drugs or drinking or maybe they get help things will get better? You have to decide that and it may just take leaving 1 time for a serious change. I have a friend that had this situation and I hear her partner is a changed person since under going some counseling. That's awesome! 

In my situation I still am pretty adamant that he won't change nor will countless other abusers. They have to "WANT" to change. Many decide they like the intimidation or power it seems to give them.

Let's say you are leaving for real this time, after of course you have exhausted all your resources, please do me a favor and make sure you have a family member or friend (If not the police) know your plans. Also this time maybe very confusing and hectic! Please review the resources here for taking steps for leaving, or check with a shelter and of course law enforcement. Safety plan

I am not an expert, attorney or counselor so please always seek assistance from these folks during this time! I'm praying for you! I promise you after time has passed things will get better. But you also need to have that positive mindset that this experience will pass, you will find joy and happiness again. You may need to learn how to love "You" in order to heal. That phrase "Time heals all" is for real even if your not feeling it now. 

If you are a believer in the Lord lean on Him! If your not and want to learn how to have a relationship with the Lord drop me a line privately. I'd love to share the joys I have found!



Whatever your journey I BELIEVE in YOU beautiful Soul. Stay strong and keep the faith!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Thursday, February 9, 2017

How I kicked PTSD in the ass...


If you read one of my earlier posts I mentioned it had been a year since I had a episode! I got to be honest I was a little stunned. I did note in my journal when I had a panic attack/pain/headache just for my own information. 

So what did I do? What magic spell worked?

TIME

That's part of it. If you have followed me a bit you know I am not into doing the Counseling/Prescription writer type thing. But it's no big secret, no gimmicks, no fancy tools or pricey doctor visits.

When I had those moments when I felt an attack coming on and I was alone, I would have to give some serious thought to my breathing slowly, in my nose and out my mouth. I would then try to think of a "Happy thought". What is a happy thought? It's not just a Peter Pan sounding thing but it is a memory and or person that just gives you a feel good thought. Or maybe for you it maybe a smell or song. 

So focusing on my breath, thinking of my "Happy thought" would eventually calm me down. This could take anywhere from a minute or as long as a half hour. 

I would later give myself some time to recount what events caused it. Was it a word? Song? Someone's tone? Hormones? Full moon? (Don't laugh at the last 2! There have been studies on this)

Then give yourself time to cry if you need to, journal, talk to a loved one and share what happened. Sometime talking it out does wonders for me! Grab a hot bath/shower and imagine the details of the episode going down the drain leaving you. Think of yourself in a white light (protective), sea salt is great to get rid of negativity so sprinkle some in the tub! Smudge yourself and my favorite Ground yourself. (Earthing)

In a pinch if my other options listed above just weren't working then I would form my hand into a fist or find a paper bag to breathe in.

These can be scary and nothing to play with! I had came close to passing out on several occasions. And at a time my eldest Daughter hadn't been able to control hers and she would totally pass out. 

Afterwards you feel like you have been run over by a truck! And there was a tiny bit of me that was really ticked off that my abuser was still getting to me. It felt like he was still winning because of them. 

Now that really made me mad enough to say no more. I focused more on getting rid of the fear and what remaining control I was still giving into even after all these years. 

No more wetting the bed! Nightmares featuring my abuser are far and few between. 

I feel free! I feel like the chains have fallen off. And it's an amazing feeling! Granted this took years to get to the place where I was and years to get where I am but it's so worth it. 

Now I am not a physician so if you are under care talk to your practitioner before trying this. You can do this! I believe in you Beautiful Blog reader! 

If you have any questions feel free to drop me a line here. I do have snail mail option available too- 

Melinda Kunst PO Box 202 Brook, IN 47922


BIG HUGS!
Mel

Saturday, January 21, 2017

I have a YouTube channel!

I have gravitated towards doing Vlogs! It seems like a natural progression. I hope you find me on there!

Our YouTube channel!

I will have videos that will include my camera shy family. Vlogs about our Farm, my fight with Lyme Disease and picking up the pieces from Domestic Violence.

You can also find me on FB- Melinda Kunst and Instagram!



Since I last blogged we have 2 Grandbabies, and my older Daughter moved out with the baby with her partner. They are dealing with CPS issues but that should be put to bed in a few months.


Coming up soon will be my 8 year Independence Day! Can you believe it!?

I hope it helps to know your not alone in your fight. I'm rooting for you!

God bless and big hugs!
Mel