"Your the reason why everything is wrong with our lives!"
Sound familiar? Sometimes I am my worst enemy!
The voices in my head constantly beat me up. They break me down. Tell me that I am not worthy. They tell me that I will never be any good. That everything I do useless.
The early years of leaving my abuser were rough. Looking in the mirror, I stared at a person that looked beaten up, as though the years had sapped all the gladness from her face. I looked at a stranger. I was unsure who I was.
For a very long time I was nothing.
As time has progressed the aches and pain of a broken spirit are leaving me. I admit I welcome the change like a person enjoys a cool breeze on a hot day.
Now I am rebuilding myself.
Rebuilding myself is taking alot more time and effort then I anticipated. It annoys me that this was not a automatic change.
You are not alone in the feelings you have. It's not your fault. You aren't to blame. The healing process is slow and you may always be on guard for fear of your life. If you still have to communicate with your abuser, it can be hard to move on. If you children with this person, it can be as though you are taking 2 steps and 2 steps back if your children seems to experience attitude changes towards you. (See Parental alienation on web or blog).
Here are a few tips to help:
Limit your contact with your ex if possible.
Limit cell, emails or text messages to once daily, unless it seems like a valid emergency. If any of these are harassing keep them and alert the authorities!
Never meet abuser alone! Meet in a public setting. This goes for picking up and dropping off during visitations if applicable! Contact your local law enforcement to meet you, they are more then accomodating.
If you go out and about, remember to be aware of your surroundings. Now don't become obessive. I have a tendency to tune out the world while shopping, this hurt me dearly! My ex had hired someone to follow me early on in the separation when I left him. I was oblivious to this even though I thought I was paying attention. There can be distractions from kids, pets, other family or friends, electronics. Please be mindful! Check your car before you get in, back seat or under car. Check out youtubes for some self awareness techniques or enroll yourself in a course for self defense, many communities offer classes at low or no cost. Also see if you can look over your vehicle for a tracking device.
As I mentioned cell phones before, make sure you have your GPS turned off. If you have a phone that is part of a plan from your abuser, ditch the phone! Get a Pay-as-you-go phone. If you take pictures with your phone and post on social media, if your abuser is savvy enough he/she can locate where you are.
Speaking of social media, check your friends list for those that may be feeding your abuser info, this may be his/her family members or mutual friends. Don't allow everyone to view your profile! There are many settings on these sites that are set up to protect them, don't get sloppy and utilize them!
If you have a laptop/computer from an abuser or they have access please consider not using it. There is sophisicated technology that can be used to track your internet use or he/she can get access to private information.
Update passwords on all of your accounts and childrens accounts as well.
It sounds like a scary way to live, but you are precious and worth it!
Be safe and God bless!