FIBBER!

I feel like a fraud. 

Rattling on my blog about positive thoughts and feelings, when I didn't feel that way inside, I was talking the talk but not walking the walk.

This puzzled me as I had thought I had forgiven my ex, finding emotions that I had felt were healing or gone have been painfully opened by the events surrounding my older daughter. I have humbled myself before God, family and friends on numerous occasions with tears, prayers and even screaming in the comfort of my car to and from work.

My PTSD in full swing, I feel like a mad woman inside, wanting to run away and throw the covers over my head and never leave the comfort of my home!

It doesn't help the career I am currently in is Customer Services, where during my work week, I, and my co-workers are sprinkled with insults, nasty language and hostility from a wide range of issues. God bless them as they help ground me until I get home.

My spirit is still wounded and trying to heal from the past, moving on the future is very hard! I don’t take confrontation well. I get very fidgety, hurt and start shrinking into myself during a heated or any sort of stern discussion.

I have avoided social media, blogging, reaching out to other survivors, my family and friends, not feeling many understand the depths of emotions and darkness I feel from time to time. While I am in a much better, safe place then ever I feel like I am my worst enemy right now.

I crumble under pressure to maintain and juggle home and job obligations, my current husband, Terry is wonderful at building me up, yet he cannot understand why the girls and I can’t just get on. It’s not logical to him. He can’t fix it or the girls or I, leaving us from time to time in family discussions and situations where one or all of us are in tears.

I feel very much like someone that is fibbing to the world that life is peachy, when it’s not. I dislike the job I have, but love my co-workers, and yet I am thankful I have a job, especially during these times of high unemployment. I enjoy doing various hobbies; I’m scared to just quit doing that full time.

I am letting my joy being stolen from me. The daily little things are worrisome for me for no reason, but I can’t help but dwell on them.

I have been torn between cursing and screaming at the Lord for understanding how my abuser seems to get away with everything! From being able to attempt to harm me on more than several occasions, stalking me, using parental alienation tactics, not paying child support, breaking the numerous Order of Protections and more!

I assumed once I left him that he would be seen for what he is. No matter where I turned it seemed as though he was getting away with everything.

How can this be?! 

I cried, reasoned, yelled and questioned the Lord with how this is okay? How come he continues to seem to get off free?

Though I wavered in my belief that someday he would be held accountable, God has made it clear to me in my heart to be patient.

I felt as like a small child pouting and begging God for some sort of smiting to take place or for someone legally to find a reason to throw the book at him! How can this be?

I’m tired of hiding from my ex and now my eldest son. I live in worry that there will be some harm that comes to my family and me.

“What if they figure out where we live?”

“What if they figure out where the girls go to school or where I work?”

Frustrated and envious of others that has statues on social media that gives them the freedom of not worrying about him stalking me on a random outing.

Stupid right?! Living life in fear is terrible. Even though the probability is super high that anything would happen, the random text or email messages causes me to hiccup and get panicky or worried.

It gets me upset that I allow my abuser to continue to hold me hostage and he doesn't even know he does! I’m feeding my demons by living in fear of living.

Now how can I move on?

I have done much of the things I have rambled on about. I am finding things that give me happiness, outings, learning new things, while my latest craze is teaching myself how to play piano and knocking off a few things off my ever growing bucket list.

Also we are thinking of travelling when the kiddos are on summer break around the nation to visit friends and family.

I toyed with the thought of seeing another therapist but can’t seem to bring myself to do so. The big factor is I have little funds to do so as counseling is very costly.

I need to take my own advice! Pray more. Tear open my box of crayons, glue and glitter to create a vision board for me for my health and sanity. I need to call friends and maybe have a few date nights with my husband, play some more with the kiddos.  

Why write these things?

I want to be genuine and truthful on my journey. There are tears, times of doubt and dark moments.

A year or so ago a dear co-worker had given me a book to borrow, I kind of read it but couldn't get into it totally because that it dealt with a child kidnapped and killed. It wasn't a true story but I couldn't read it and gave it back to her. Well, over a year later I kept seeing that book on the web and whenever I hit thrift store, yard sales and antique shops! I figured these were signs I needed to read it for real this time.

I read it in about 1 ½ days. It was a quick read for me. The end of story reminded me I need to find forgiveness for my ex and that after I found out the information about molesting our daughter I realized I hadn't forgiven him for that.

I also did something I have never done throughout my journey, I screamed.

I screamed at the top of my lungs while driving home. I sobbed. I shook my fist in the air, screaming like a mad woman to the figure of my ex that is burned in my mind. I yelled at God! I yelled at myself for feeling so blind, feeling like a terrible mother.

I felt as though I had been living in the dark. How could I have been so dense? I wanted a pound of flesh! I asked God how can I forgive her father and forgive me for not seeing.

After my tirade, I felt better, yet I could not say the words of “forgiveness”. I still felt angry and out of sorts, as I pulled up to the house, my husband was out to greet me with a big hug. He noticed something was off and mentioned it. I shared my feelings and he reminded me that we are safe now and even though I say the words that it doesn't mean the hurt and pain is going to go away but my heart and spirit will feel free.

This was a big step! That same day, I had received a text message from, supposedly, my eldest son that is living with my ex-husband; the message was a forwarded horoscope about burning down bridges and that even when I think about that person I should consider make amends with someone that has been on my mind. I truly believe that was sent by his father rather than him and found it kind of eerie at the same time.

There is no discussion between him and I still, as he is not reasonable nor will he be civil enough to have any type of friendly relationship with and especially after the information that came to light over the past few months!

So, where does this leave me?

I said the words, I felt at easy saying them and peaceful. Reminding myself that my daughter said she had given it to the Lord and forgave him several months ago.

Hold on!

I sat in the break room, half listening to the talk show my co-workers loved to watch during lunch and caught a segment that featured a female guest that endured abuse during her marriage. The host on the show was sympathetic to her and when the partner was announced, the crowd when wild, booing and shouting what a loser he was.

A co-worker voiced how stupid the woman was and how she would have let that guy have it. I piped up that these situations don’t typically start this way and build up. Another survivor of abuse also voiced the same sentiment and added, no one looks to be abused and after a while you believe this is all there is.  The young lady quickly grew quiet and didn’t say another word.

I shook my head, but pondered how many people out there think how “stupid” I must be.  The topic of abuse is a really out in the media due to fascination of how it has effected starts and athletes. While the hearts of those not in this situation may look negatively on the abuser, even more scrutiny is frowned upon the victim.

Unless you have been in an abusive situation or been closely involved with a loved one in this situation, you can never fully understand.  To be honest, there are times I don’t understand how I allowed the abuse to happen, or how I allowed myself to seem blind to the signs of the abuse between my children and myself. 

I am still haunted by my decisions.

I am not a certified authority or legal representative. I am a Survivor, having many hours of research about the subject and mental aspect via books, internet, some college classes and those involved in the medical and legal profession.

I have gleaned many things from a great support system that has allowed me to heal from my experiences. I can’t say I know everything nor do I profess to say I have the magical answer for you, but I can share what has worked for my situation in order for me to move on to a living a healthy future.

It breaks my heart to hear stories from other victims that feel as though there is no hope. The sinking feeling that you are stuck in a bad relationship or getting screwed over by our legal system can make you feel as though you will never break free of the cycle of darkness that seems like it hangs over you like a cloud.

Abuse is found in every race, religion, sex. As many forms as it is found it, you can also find various forms of abuse, from financial, sexual, religious, parental, bullying, verbal, mental, emotional and more.  I am in awe at the levels of depravity that is inflicted on another.  I really do not understand it. Even as I was going through it, I didn't understand. How one person can do such awful or horrifying things to another person or animal is beyond me. Or worse there is no remorse from the abuser.

I could still see in my mind’s eye my abuser standing over me with a belt in hand, smirking. Telling me that I deserved whatever it was he was dishing out. 

I have a hard time with the thought that, it’s because he is mentally sick or unstable, so in the medical profession that makes it okay?

I mentioned before that I had to hit rock bottom before I woke up to really listen to my inner self to know this was not right. I prayed to God to just take me to end the pain, yet, knowing in the back of my mind that would leave my kids at the hands of a mad man.

I had to face my own demons, dig deep for strength, I read my Bible, prayed and scoured over passages to find validation that we were meant for more. I found it in the pages of that Bible. Later several people would enter into my life briefly to serve as a reminder. I truly believe they were sent from God as a reassurance that everything would be OK, not to give up and to HOLD ON!

Stay safe and God bless you on whatever stage of your journey you are on!