I lay curled in a protective pose, trying to shield my head and midsection from the assault that seemed to be over taking me.Terror that filled my bones, my stomach was in knots, I sobbed uncontrollably begging my attacker to please stop.
I begged for mercy.
I sucked in my breath as the blows to my body, feeling light headed and wishing for death.
I prayed for God to just take me. To end the tirade that seemed to be lasting for hours, but in fact was over in less than a few minutes.
I was hit with sweat and spittle from my abuser as he screamed about how useless I was. That I was a stupid *unt!
My head hurt, my body ached, I felt myself urinate on myself. I hoped he didn't notice. . .
Too late! He laughed and sneered with disgust at me. He ranted that I was a disgusting pig! He stopped in mid kick. He backed away, muttering under his breath about what a waste of flesh I was and shaking his head.
He barked to me to get my ass off the floor, clean myself up and I better not have to go to the hospital or else. He yelled that it was my fault anyway and he would deny anything if it came to that.
My breathing was labored. I prayed I wasn't seriously hurt. I brushed myself off, found some clean clothes and was further instructed to take care of dinner.
I made haste and nearly fell down the stairs from our bedroom that was on the 2nd floor, to the sinister smile of my abuser waiting at the bottom of the stairs with open arms to say he was sorry he got out of hand. He made a pouty face and said an almost shy apology.
He grabbed my hand and pulled me close to hold me. I felt repulsed and dead inside. Confused, hurt and still dazed by the events that had just taken place. I didn't understand why God was letting this happen to me or the kids.
I felt as though I had floated in and out of that former life. Feeling as though another person had taken my place during times of painful episodes. Not believing there would be anything else that awaited me in the future except a coffin. I saw death by the hand of my abuser or from my own hand as I slumped in a deep depression, unsure of what to do next with my circumstances. I blamed myself. I blamed God.
I walked about in a nervous fog. I dreamed of happiness. Fantasized of a life of happiness. No drama or violence. Even after chatting with a intuitive friend, Kristy, who advised me that she was worried that I would not survive the upcoming year. My heart knew she saw wasn't far from the truth. I needed to run. I couldn't stay in this crazed relationship any longer.
Fast forward 5+ years later!
God never gave up on me and provided the right opportunity to escape. My life now is still a roller coaster. My recent Order of Protection has been granted for no contact with my ex. Though I highly believe he is emailing my daughter, and believe he is pretending to be my older son.
The girls are happier. Terry and I are best friends. I have been able to grow as a person. Heal and laugh again! That former life and me seems like it is a hundred years away. Helping my daughter from the sexual abuse she suffered is slow and I am not pushing her to relive those events. I have advised her we need to have a counselor or perhaps she needs to discuss with peers someday when she is ready.
I'm writing as a reminder to others "stuck" you can break free of abuse. No, everything is not perfect. I still am on guard and watch over my shoulder. We don't receive regular child support payments. And there are still nightmares and panic attacks. I am very happy with this second chance at life and feel blessed.
Don't give up my Friend! Please pass this along to anyone else you know or believe is being abused so they can know they are not alone! There is beauty from the ashes!
God bless! Stay safe!