Those words spewed from my then husbands mouth with such fierceness and cruelty, that I did want to.
He rushed me to the E.R. in January 2009 for heart palpitations. I felt my heart skipping beats. I was scared that I could be having some nasty heart condition. The trip to the hospital seemed like it took forever, where it was only about 20 minutes. On the way, he kept making references that I was making things up. And I was trying to get attention. I was always sick or hurting myself according to him. He kept threatening that the doctors better find something wrong with me or else, he was missing his favorite show, 'The Simpsons' because of me.
I don't know what "Or else" was but that statement made my stomach turn inside out. I wanted to bolt from the van. I wanted to disappear. I felt worthless. I felt unloved. I felt stupid.
When we arrived to the E.R. I was swept into a room right away for testing and questions about my current health. The Dr and Nurse must have sensed the uneasiness in the room because they asked if I needed to talk to a counselor about anything.
Every time the staff would leave he would say something hateful and mean. He told me if I didn't die that night that I should just end my life. That he and the kids would get along just fine without me to keep making him made or doing something stupid to embarrass or upset him.
I curled up in a ball, squeezing my eyes so tight I thought they would explode into my head. I cried silently. He demanded I face the wall so he didn't have to see my disgusting face. I was "such an *sshole for the wasted time.
The room was spinning. My heart hurt from the insults and I don't know what.
I wanted him to leave.
I wanted him to leave me alone.
I wanted him to leave and vanish. To never come back to bother us.
They found nothing wrong with me, besides I still hadn't pooped (that Dear Blog reader is in another story). And I was going home with a mad man. I mean it! He was mad! He was angry that I wasted his time. He was angry that I didn't die. He was angry that I was an such an idiot and making things up. I never told anyone in the family about that night and so many events. I was embarrassed. I felt so dumb for letting him continue to abuse me and the kids.
I resolved to continue to find strength to leave. But I couldn't just go right away. My family begged me to leave and I couldn't. I argued the time isn't right. I couldn't go just yet. . .
Sound familiar? If you are in a relationship that is dangerous, demeaning and abuse please do not wait! The above is a snap shot of a part of my life that I wish desperately to forget.
Believe it or not I forgave my abuser. I had to in order to move on and to start to heal. I will never forget nor do I wish I never met him. I have 3 beautiful children and have after that surreal life I have a new relationship that is so normal that I have to pinch myself from time to time. Well, not literally, but I am in awe of how God worked in my life.
I saw my path as dark, cloudy, crooked with so many thorn ridden vines that I could not see through the fog there was a reason for this. Granted, I'm still working on the "Why's" for those many years. I still mourn the lose of not having my now almost 18 year old Son with me, due to the choice he made to start a fire in my then apartment and he told me he was going to kill me in my sleep. (He brought knives in a back pack for the deed. ** See earlier posts**)
I hope to regain some sort of loving relationship again perhaps when he is older. He has two sisters that would love to see and talk with him. He also has a baby brother that when my current husband I feel safe that he should meet him.
If you are in an abusive relationship of any sort PLEASE get help! There is a light at the end of the tunnel! If you need someone to talk to there are many wonderful organizations that can provide shelter or legal assistance or job assistance. It can be done! You are worthy of a wonderful relationship and/or life of peace, joy and happiness! Whether you are a teen, adult, man, woman of any age you can break free of the chains of abuse.
Prayers dear Blog reader and blessings!
*Yup that's me! I know I'm silly! That's me! See I'm proof that there is life after a nasty break up. I'm in my Beekeeping duds showing off. I was sweating bullets on that 100 degree day a few weeks back! You can survive! Stay safe!*
A little about me
- Brook, IN, United States
- Abuse doesn't stop at the court room. Melinda has shared her battles in her life and through the court room as she navigates through the legal system Bringing encouragement, insight and empowerment to those that are in a abusive relationship. She is in the process of creating a new life, speaking engagements to "Break the Silence" of abuse, while putting a face to abuse. She is currently working on writing a book about her experiences as a Survivor.View short Bio here- https://www.patheos.com/blogs/ahappymedium/2013/02/notbrokenbutbrave/