Relearning to be in a relationship with others can be a tough thing to do. When you break free of your abuser you also break free of all the rules that he/she set for you! Now, I'm not saying go live wild, start partying, drinking, having wild sex or doing drugs. I have said this before! Sowing your wild oats after you leave a relationship is normal but remember the consequences:
Your crazy Psychopath/Narc/Gaslighter/Abuser or whatever you call 'em is still out and probably looking for you or for ammo to use against you in court or to turn your friends and family against you.
There are STD's out there!
Mr./Ms. Right that you may meet fresh out of a relationship maybe just as nuts as the person you just left or worse!
Invest in yourself! Give yourself some time to heal! If for some random reason you and your Abuser decide to reconcile PLEASE GIVE IT TIME FIRST!
Don't leave and then a week or 2 or a month later BELIEVE he/she has changed so you give them another chance only to find after a bit you are BACK in the same position you were when you left in the first place! IF you reconcile WAIT! Give it 6 months or a year or 2! Don't give in to his/her pleading or begging. Trust me you will survive without this person.
My Aunt told me that she believed her abuser was the air she breathed and couldn't get enough... That's why years later (they have been divorced for years ;) ) she says she has asthma!
Give yourself the gift of time apart.
It does hurt!
It does ache!
You do question whether it's the right thing to do!
You wonder if you will be able to afford or survive alone (with or without kids).
You will struggle!
You will second guess yourself.
You will wonder if it was all in your head.
Or it wasn't as bad as you think or friends/family led you to believe.
You will feel bad because you will think he or she will kill themselves. Most Abusers are too chicken to pull this off. Crazy Man had 3 suicide attempts after I left him. Each time he made sure to let someone know what he was doing. He also threatened to do something to harm himself, me and the kids if we left him. (I don't trust him but do believe he doesn't have the balls to kill himself, he is way to into having a pity party for himself then to do this)
After time if your Abuser does change take it slow. On the anniversary of the moment you decide to get back together. Date each other. Don't jump the gun and play man and wife (or whatever) again.
Take it slow.
Personally, I don't believe a person is capable of changing. They are what they are. Small changes, such as cleaning up after one's self or putting the toliet seat down sure but to make a total 180 when they are so used to being a bully? I don't believe it. After 2 years Crazy Man still intends to harm me physically, emotionally and mentally. He says he has changed but if you have read the text message posts you can read he is still unstable. And sadly our son is OK with this...
Struggle, cry, lean on someone to get you through the transition. Don't talk to your Abuser after you leave him/her. Seriously! Save it for court or give yourself some time.
Drop off your children in a public place or meet to talk publicly and don't leave at the same time. Wait for him/her to leave first or ask a friend to go with you.
Do remind your children it's not their fault. Remind your kids you both love them and you need them to concentrate on being a child. They need to focus on school and not about the rift between Mom and Dad.
Make a wish (vision board) cut out pictures from magazines or surround yourself with things that make you happy. A button, seashell, glitter (my favorite), ribbon, scented candle or whatever makes you smile! (have your kids join in!)
Make a list of 5 things daily that you are thankful for. ~ My favorite psychic/friend has given me many of these tips to use to help me! (Kristy Robinett at www.tangledwishes.com . She is a wonderful lady and a survivor of abuse too!)
Make a list of where you see yourself in 6 months, a year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years! Goes great with using a wish (vision) board.
Create a Bucket List! Places you want to see, things you want to do! I have to revise my own but even the smallest things can go on your list. Bake cookies with kids or for a homeless shelter. Go back to school! Try a new dish or learning a new craft.Going to the city or let your mind go crazy!
Don't forget to say some positive affirmations! When I first left I plastered affirmations all over my bath mirror and kept some in my purse when I needed encouragement.
Go get a haircut/nails done/massage.
Play games or play or read to your kids.
Eat well or better. EXERCISE! Whether it be a walk around the block or mall. Food can be a great comfort but it does nothing positive for you except your waistline! I still struggle with this...
Terry, God bless him, had managed to tell anyone he could about me singing. I was in choir for years, since about 2nd or 3rd grade until I was a Junior in high school. I loved it and had a deam of going to Hollywood of course to sing or dance. But Crazy Man squished that. He said I sounded too nasally and was too short to dance. So I allowed his opinion as a Junior in High school to rule me. I let that dream and many more go because I believed everything that came out of his mouth. Anyway, back to the present... So! I am going to sing in the church choir! I start rehearsing next Sunday. I'm anxious and nervous. It's been so long! I usually just sing when I am doing dishes, shower or when I think no one is around.
A little about me
- Brook, IN, United States
- Abuse doesn't stop at the court room. Melinda has shared her battles in her life and through the court room as she navigates through the legal system Bringing encouragement, insight and empowerment to those that are in a abusive relationship. She is in the process of creating a new life, speaking engagements to "Break the Silence" of abuse, while putting a face to abuse. She is currently working on writing a book about her experiences as a Survivor.View short Bio here- https://www.patheos.com/blogs/ahappymedium/2013/02/notbrokenbutbrave/