A little about me

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Brook, IN, United States
Abuse doesn't stop at the court room. Melinda has shared her battles in her life and through the court room as she navigates through the legal system Bringing encouragement, insight and empowerment to those that are in a abusive relationship. She is in the process of creating a new life, speaking engagements to "Break the Silence" of abuse, while putting a face to abuse. She is currently working on writing a book about her experiences as a Survivor.View short Bio here- https://www.patheos.com/blogs/ahappymedium/2013/02/notbrokenbutbrave/

Friday, December 28, 2012

Like an open sore...

That title conjures up some rather wicked thoughts and feelings. Even after almost 4 years, when a memory or talking about the past the emotions can still feel raw. It is not uncommon for me to find some humor in that past life.

Such as:

Warming up his plate before I plated it

Answering the phone and relaying the WHOLE conversation to him as it is happening

Getting him dressed in the morning and helping him undress in the evening

Bathing him

Warming his boots/shoes on a cold day

Pre-warming the bathroom before he had to leave for work

Why is this humorous now? I guess it's more unbelievable as well as ludicrous to think that I did those things.

But, sad at how feverishly and quickly these things (and other things) had to be done without error.

The kids remember random things from time to time that actually feel stinging to me. And not that they mean any harm but they cope differently then I.

They recently recalled driving in the car. In which many times I would get told to stop the car and pull over so he could drive. I apparently am a terrible driver (so he says).  Or they recall him pulling me out of the car by the hair or just screaming at me while I am driving. SIGH!

I need to write more but have to get moving. Please Dear Reader, if you are in an abusive situation, remember there is hope. There are resources available for you! Do it before it's too late! Any form of abuse is just that abuse. No matter if he/she lifts a hand on you or uses words. Love doesn't hurt!

Prayers and love for your safety and sanity!


Mel



Saturday, December 22, 2012

Kids, Social skills and abuse



OK, so you bucked up, left Mr/Ms abuser. Now what?

Your nose and eyes are red, drippy and there feels as though there is no more tears that can possibly leave your eyeballs. You may have overflowing trash cans filled with wadded up tissues. You have used so many that you resort to toilet paper. Dishes in the sink, house a mess and if you have kids they may also be in disarray.

Your voice mail maybe over full with messages spouting apologizes, more promises of change and forgiveness. Perhaps you may even find a delivery of flowers on your doorstep! (Take them to the nearest nursing/Veteran home they LOVE these! Seriously!)

STOP!

If you have children, you are not alone in your misery and feelings. You aren't the only one that lost or left a broken relationship. Dig yourself away from bed or the house and talk to your kids. This is not only a confusing time for you but for them as well.

As time goes on there needs to be healing for all of you. While you may get the luxury of only dealing with your abuser at court or visitation, your child may have to see the abuser. Just because you leave doesn't mean your abuser stops being an ass. He/she may redirect abuse to your child. Playing mind games. "Don't tell Mom/Dad" or "It's a secret". The child may be confused, scared and not sure who to trust. Studies show that boys do side with the male and vice versa with girls of abuse.  I mentioned many times about leaving a paper trail, this doesn't end once your separated. Keep a log/diary/journal of how the visit with Mom/Dad went. Look at body language, attitude or for physical marks. I'm not saying every mark on your child is due to your ex- growing kids do have many boo-boo's. Note strange or out of place marks. If they are bad take pictures and report them to police!

If you notice your child suddenly not wanting to see your ex, try to piece together why. Perhaps your child that is potty trained starts wetting the bed or behavior seems out of the norm after a visitation notate, ask the child or siblings if they know something. Or as a friend that is also a Survivor did, ask them to talk to Pastor or someone they feel safe to talk to.

During the healing process you may notice changes in your child's behavior. Your once outgoing child may seem withdrawn or may suddenly not want friends. Favorite foods may become hated out of the blue. Sudden emotional outbursts are not uncommon.

I am currently dealing with 2 beautiful children (my own) that have developed phobias, socialization issues and an aversion about talking about past abuse. If you can find services in your area that offers counseling for abuse please take advantage! Breaking the pattern of abuse needs to stop with you! Help yourself and your child by joining a support group or seeking counseling.

Build up your child with positive words. Even when you feel like hiding from everything and everyone, remember you are not alone! Goggle or Pinterest social skills or interpersonal skills, great for the kids and you too!

Be safe! Stay strong and remember that ANY type of abuse is NOT love. Your not alone in your struggle. I'm cheering for you!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Friday, December 7, 2012

Living on the edge...


When you live with an abuser, you have a tendency to tiptoe through your daily life. Sometimes you feel as though you are on this great jagged cliff looking down~ Living on the edge.

Your stomach tingles. Your head may pound. You feel like your heart could pound out of your chest any minute!

When it's time to have your "beast" come home or wake up you just never know if it's going to be a great time or having to call the police or for an ambulance. A humiliating call to friends or family to say your ok or that your abuser is at it again. During those times I wished with my whole being to be rescued from the one that loved me. A desperate cry to anyone that would listen. Hot tears streaming down my eyes with an incredible feeling of dread and feeling paralyzed that there was no hope and no where to run.

Anywhere I went he would find me. 

Much has changed. We are not holding on to empty promises of change. No putting on appearances that we were a close knit nuclear family with no issues.

It's all good. Right?

It is. For the most part. There is that lingering feeling in my gut to stay focused on our safety. Sounds funny and even very dark. To tell the truth, it is creepy and unsettling. Got this a few days ago from my Gaslighter (he is not the best speller)-



Dec 4
I text the kids. Which I am sure they r not getting. Nice place needs a little work though. And nice wedding to.did not expect to see some people.

Robert A

AND
               
Dec 4
  
And believe me I understand that this is not just a way for you to say don't contact me I understand this is a way for you to start talking to me again. I read between the lines I know you better than anybody else and this is how you do things. there's no harm in wanting to talk with me . talk to me threw another name if you want. create another account somewhere and contact me that way. I understand how hard it is to tell the truth and admitt your wrongs Melinda. I know how hard it is to face the facts. and I know 1 of the main reasons you keep this anger going is because youre afraid of what I might do if you were to ever try to have come back. but the truth is I understand. I'm a lot more understanding and loving and caring and forgiving then you think I am or that you ever think I was. I know that you are the 1 that held out talking to me and that you had secrets and i understand that. and I know you'd rather tell a lie and run away rather than face the truth.but the truth is .the truth will set you free. Am I regretful about the past for somethings yes for a lot of things no. I'm glad to know the truth finally about what you did to matt and your affairs but now that I know the truth I can move on .we both can.I know you still love me and I remember when we where 16 .you told me you would do stupid things and maybe even try to run away in the future., but don't let me go. Dont leave me..well I wount and I didn't. I know I'm a different person I know I'm not the man I used to be. and you can try to crush me all that you want. I will still love you. Was I hurt yes as a matter of fact if this is what you want to hear you hurt me everyday .everyday I'm crushed I endore more pain and suffering than any man should have to .I am devastated beond any point that you can imagine and to be honest yes I do plan on seeking financial restitution for the damage and the pain and suffering and the continue suffering and pain that you and Terry cause me and Matthew on a daily basis. although I'm pretty sure matthew is already obtained his own lawyer to sue the both of you. they are actually keeping me in the dark on this 1. like I said I know that this email is nothing more than a way for you to start talking to me again. and I know you're not happy. and I know that it's not me you're unhappy with. if you truly wanted me out of your life you would let me see the girls. there would be no issues because you would not want the confrontation about it. but by keeping the girls away from us you almost guarantee the fact that we will have to talk again in the future. all I can say is I can forgive you and I'm sure we can move on if you wanted to. but I have nothing from you that says you want to be friends other than these little emails now and then. personally I have to wonder if you are being controlled a lot more than people think. I personaly think your life is not safe and you know matt would not be safe with terry and thats why you distroyed matt so he will not have to deal with terry and so you can make sure that he belives you and you and the girls will stay safe..i also belive that Terry is the reason why the girls do not come over. Maybe because he told u no or maybe because u know they would want to stay with me and that would displease your master ..melinda you can talk to me .

on anouther note and I really honestly think that short of you putting terry in jail for controlling you are forcing you to have that child.and in which case giving Matthew a reason to come to your defense I just don't see him ever dealing with you.of course Terry beating the life almost out of you might be enough ..Matt used to tell me ::ill except her back when she is back with and married and living with u dad.but he doesn't even say that anymore. And to tell you the truth I have just stopped trying to get him to forgive u.I pray it will happen. But I fear it will not..love you always and forever your husband from Christ. Robert
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I really have no idea what he is talking about in much of this. If you have followed my blog you know that my ex is a NARC/Gaslighter/Psychopath. He suffers from mental illness according to several therapists/Psychiatrists. Though I can't say that. I believe (and know) he gets a thrill/rush from being in charge (He is a Foreman in the construction field). As for my son, I miss him but realize that he has to do what he needs to do to survive. So, if it means to be a cheerleader for his dad then that is what he is. I pray that when he is old enough to get away and has time to think that we can someday have a relationship.

To anyone that is looking inside the madness of an abusive situation, the whole matter can seem puzzling to you. Why would anyone want to be treated that way?! Why would anyone allow a person to beat on them, call them names or harm they're children?! Stepford wife?

No.

It's conditioning. It's slow and you don't even realize it's being done to you. You question your self constantly. As time goes on it becomes so easy to believe the things your abuser does to you and your family. You become conditioned to believe there is no better. You are his/hers. There is no one else. Or all others will do worse to you. Abuse can be just words, which I believe sometimes cut so deep that they can be worse then getting beaten. Mind games, physical or sexual abuse are just as bad. But, in many cases until you totally make the leap out of the relationship you can't realize how many forms of abuse you actually suffered. This can take months or years to discover! It can be very eye opening as well as unfathomable that you survived. It all seems surreal to me. I probably say that so too many times, but it's the truth!

I read some post once about a woman that was looking for advice about being in an abusive relationship and most of the responses were actually bashing the woman instead of the abuser! One woman wrote that she should have read a book about abuse before she got into the relationship (Lundy Bancroft). HUH?!

Hindsight is 20/20. If she knew then what she knew now...

Once again, if you know someone that is being abuse please listen. Sometimes that is all one needs. Don't bash the abuser while speaking with your friend. Your words can backfire and she/he can empathize with the abuser and turn on you!

Offer a plan to help the victim find safety. Listening is all good but there comes a time when you may have to say "Enough already!", while rolling your eyes at your friend. She needs some reassurance, kind words to know that it can be ok. And she may need to know she has somewhere to go when "She" knows it's time to take the leap to leave. Help her stay strong. You may need to start gathering the information for police, Pro-Bono attys, counselors, DV advocate, shelters or housing.

When you are in the moment, living day to day in fear, the hardest thing can be to think straight about where you are going after you leave. Please view previous posts about Safety or leaving your abuser for ideas and tips about how to plan for leaving a volatile situation. Remember to protect yourself in these matters as well. One never knows how the abuser will act towards anyone helping the victim. Stay strong and positive. 

BIG HUGS to you!
Mel

Friday, November 30, 2012

Are you positive?!





Recovering from abuse is a super long road.

Days can go by where I feel suddenly overcome with memories and feelings. Still trying to repair my spirit and stay safe where we live. I would love to share so many things about where we are and going's on. But for the sake of safety as many of you understand.






I have been finding joy in so many little things that I never was able to appreciate fully.

Sunrise and set
Going to church
Being late from time to time (I don't make a habit of being late 5 to 10 mins I don't sweat it anymore)
Reading
Relaxing
Lounging
Showering when I want to (I don't have to at night if I don't want to)
I can EAT what I want when I want!
My children
Being happy
Being able to try new and different things without criticism
Decorating how I want to
Having a friend/partner/Help meet
Laughter everyday
Chickens! Love these critters but they aren't pets. They are for food/eggs. I don't dress them up or call them pet names. 
Gardening
There is more but I won't bore you!

I still miss my son terribly. He turned 17 a few weeks back. The girls sent him an e-card and this is the reply was mean spirited. I shared they received a message but did not share with them the content, but that it was negative.

We have not received child support on a regular basis. I heard he is still working for cash. He is well over $5,000 behind but nothing is being done by the court or my attorney. They would rather sweep it under the rug because they don't want to deal with him.

Also, I haven't took the girls back to counseling since June. I was informed by my attorney I could serve jail time or the girls can be taken away from me due to withholding "court ordered" therapeutic counseling. HUH?! I scratched my head... It frustrates me that my ex could get away with hiring someone to kill me, breaking numerous restraining orders, not doing what the court asks and not paying child support but somehow I'm the one that can face jail or lose the girls?! How does this make sense.

I took the girls to counseling for a few sessions. Alex opened up about several memories that were about leaving the bathroom door opened when she showered and how uncomfortable it made her.
Jess was closed mouth this time. She felt jaded for having to go to the mental ward back in June for suicide. She said she entertained the thought but didn't really want to do so.
 
Everyday is a new adventure, no not perfect. To name a few things, I still am unemployed and actively looking (pestering my FB friends to help me). I have a terrible bug bite that looks so nasty right now. I still have back pain and was turned down for disability. My life in the past is surreal, as though it happened to another person. Stay positive! Hard to say and do I know. Finding joy and happiness is what we as humans crave and desire and dare I say if you weren't hugged enough as a child or during your life, it seems one longs for love and closeness. Create the life you crave. (legally of course)

Surround yourself in things that remind you of being strong or empowering you. Create a Vision/Wish board (Inspiration/Prayer board) with old magazine and glue or find pictures on the web that remind you of positive thoughts. Remember you are worth happiness, joy and eventually love with another (worthy of a wonderful person such as yourself!). Pray! Meditate! Listen to positive music. Find positive people to hang with. Get rid of negative thoughts, people or things. I have made many posts on this subject and I hate to sound like a broken record but it is so important in healing! Do things that "You" like to do. Or try something you always wanted to do. Share with loved one's. Kids can do these things too! It can help them in the healing process too!

Giving you big hugs! It's my birthday today so I'm needing to give some time to my hubs and little one right now. Here are several pictures to get you started!




























Oh and finally...

Monday, November 5, 2012

Love you always and forever

"Love you always and forever" 

I have seen these words again over the last few days. 

3 text messages. A few lines saying "Good morning my Ladies" or "Sweet dreams my Ladies" and then "Love you always and forever". It's not tell my girls or tell the girls Good night or Good morning or even tell the girls I love them... He says "my ladies" and "Always and forever".

Why does that creep me out? Why can't he let me go?

I thought I didn't leave the house because I love this wonderful place. OK, that is part of it. But deep down I don't want to bump into him. I don't want to take the chance. 

I am still jumpy. I still cringe and feel a panicky feeling when I see a vehicle that looks like his.

Let me go.


Me and the new Hubs (Terry)
Move on with your life. I want to enjoy this second chance of living a beautiful life. 

It's been over 3 years.

 I still miss my son. He's going to be 17 in a few weeks. I'm sure we are strangers to one another. I miss him terribly. I don't believe we can have a decent relationship until he is away from his dad. 

My daughter,Jess, threw me for a loop a few weeks ago by asking to maybe live with him for a month at a time. Or to see him without Supervised Parenting Time. I was blown away! I was not angry. I was hurt and confused. I didn't/don't understand. After all they have been through!

Alex and I were shaking our heads. I was definitely not inputting her reasoning. She talked to Terry and he helped her understand the reason why we don't talk to him unsupervised. And the importance of me avoiding any type of situation that could put us in harms way. Of course I can not afford to send them to the therapy they need because the "ex" is still behind in support. He has yet to file his income tax return and he complains to those around him that I haven't gotten the girls to therapy. I have to come up with 10% of the cost to send them. (not my idea and I really was ticked off when the Magistrate said I would have to) Since I have no job or prospects for one yet, I rely on the support for the girls medical bills, clothing, school books and fee's. He's a bit over $5,000 behind now. 

I don't understand why he has not been arrested. I have repeatedly asked my attorney why. And all he can tell me is that it is not worth putting him in jail. HUH?! Putting him in jail will not help get his support paid. It's such a little amount. HUH?! So, the man can keep getting paid cash at his job and not pay for his obligations and it's OK?! And he is still texting me even though the court said not to text or contact me unless it's an emergency or else. 

I don't get it. 

I'm at a loss. 

I know I'm caught in a cycle of healing. I know he is caught in a pattern of being a Narc, Gaslighter, Psychopath, Abuser, Violent, Mentally unstable... Whatever you want to label him. I have no intention on getting on that wild scary ride again. I don't miss crazy.

I'm desperate to move far away. To get away. To just put us all in the car and leave where I don't feel worried about the dark. I don't feel worried about going anywhere to run an errand. Where no one knows us or him. Where I can truly start over again and feel free. Oh, I know I have my decree and I'm free. I have been free physically for almost 4 years come Feb next year. But emotionally and mentally I'm held bound by memories and old fears.

Let me go...

Monday, October 15, 2012

Got bruises?

I'm not making light of any type of abuse by that title. I'm in awe at how many various ways people, whether they are of DV or Child Abuse or any type of violence, can hurt another.

I'm in awe that I have well over 16,000 people that have viewed this blog since 2009. No it's not the millions other blogs or websites have. In a strange way I'm tickled but yet horrified and sadden that so many have viewed it due to the content.

A few brave people have sent in comments. Many have been erased before they ever hit my blog post, but I have the email.

I don't have many followers and that's ok. If my story or other survivor stories can help someone get help or realize they aren't alone then I think that's wonderful! I didn't do this for glory and in some small way in the beginning I wanted to "out" my ex. I wanted everyone to know that he did these things to us. I wanted everyone to know so the next woman he dates has some clue what she is walking into.

After time went by and healed my bruises inward and outwardly, I allowed my emotions raise to the surface to find out how I can best deal with the vicious and yet constant reminder of where I was. I mentioned it many times about how surreal life is now.

I'm not afraid to pick up the phone, that someone may yell at me for whatever the reason.
I'm not afraid to come home or run late.
I'm not afraid of totally giving myself to love and intimacy.
I'm not afraid to share my feelings.

I have many bumps in the road. I have times where I just crumble either in private or in a public setting. I'm learning to be me. Learning to find my self. Though I still say somethings that I shouldn't. I do things I shouldn't. I leap before I think first. I feel like a toddler at times. Fumbling to love the life I'm in.

Thank you Lydia for letting me ramble on from time to time. I'm so proud of this woman! She left her abuser recently and has stayed gone. She is recognizing patterns of abuse and how to cope with the after with herself and kids. She has shared wisdom with me that sometimes feels like a soft lump to my hard headed noggin. And for this I thank her!

She is just one of the amazing women I have met that have left a relationship or been a victim or stalking (Thank you Dana for your kindness and strength!) or bullies. And I am proud to know these women! Thank you Dear Blog reader! I pray that you have left your abuser. I pray if you haven't you find the encouragement and faith to do so. Know that you are worthy of so much more!

BIG HUGS!

Mel

Monday, October 1, 2012

Beating your children...

First thing first, October is Domestic Abuse Awareness month! No one is immune to the effects of this devastating time.

Abuse does not discriminate. It can strike Men, Women, Old, Young, Black, White, Catholic, Baptist, Wealthy... you get the picture.

Whatever the excuse is that the victims use to rationalize or minimize the abuse, no one deserves it! There is nothing "You did" to "Make" the person do it to you! Despite, the constant reminders you may get from your abuser. It's not you! Triggers to cause your abuser to flip his/her lid can be substance related, money, mental/emotional or maybe there is no reason.


Of course these are excuses used to harm you! So, he/she only does this to you, right?

What about your child(ren) or pet? Do you believe they are immune? Guess what! In many cases your abuser doesn't care. They may abuse your child privately or just be bold enough to do it in front of you. Perhaps making you participate! Headlines splashed across the world tells of horrific and tragic abuse of all sorts happening to children and animals by the hundreds.

In many cases both parents (Boy/Girl friend or Step parent) are charged with heinous crimes against the smallest victims that can't defend themselves. I've read many stories that point the finger at the other person that was abusive and they "Made them" act against the child or pet. Or there is some fear that they would be harmed so they let it happen.

I sit in awe, tears and a deep sadness that anyone would want to harm these little ones. That persons given a gift of life can take it savagely slowly over years or in a blink of an eye. For what?! The child won't stop crying? The bed is wet? The child is interrupting they're game or fun?

Countless couple's are wishing for a child of their own. And yet, we have dumpster babies and abused children that would flourish in a loving household.

There was a time when my Dad worked in a E. R. and he would tell me of stories about children brought in with cigarette burns, 2nd or 3rd degree burns on various parts of the body due to his/her parent and or molested. He was deeply effected by these children. And he didn't understand how someone could do something so heinous to a child.

I was abused as a young child by my Stepfather, Mark. He would beat on my Mom but as soon as she fought back he stopped. But he needed to redirect his anger somewhere else. So, while Mom was at work he turned to me... I didn't understand how in a split second we could be having a fun time and the next he was beating the crap out of me for no reason or for spilling milk.

Fast forward, I'm in an abusive situation with my ex-husband. I knew something was wrong each time I came in the house after I had been gone for awhile. The kids and my ex looked staged, stiff and tense. He had no qualms about going after the kids while I was home, which many times I would jump in or fight him to stop doing so.


The children would say there was no problems.
Dad was fine.
He was cool.

I knew in my heart it wasn't right. I know I can't take back that time. I know I am responsible in some part for staying. For believing my ex when he said I wouldn't be able to live without him. That I was worthless. That I would end up as a whore because no one would want me.  And no one would take care of me the way he did. (How warped is that?!) I'm slowly finding out how mean he was to the kids while I was out of the house or even in another room! I feel horrible about this!

I could tell you I slipped back into another bad abusive relationship. I could tell you I took up partying, drinking and a string of boyfriends. But I didn't. I was lucky! There are many women that get caught up in never changing they're circumstances. They are forever on a Merry-go-round of useless or abusive men that end up beating their kids.

I've already told my husband, Terry, that if he lays a hand on the kids we are over. Trust me, my 14 year old is a lot like her Dad, Rob and she can really push Terry's buttons!

Learning my new husband is not my ex is another experience. I have learn not to compare the two of them. They aren't anything alike! We are not without issues but there is no fear of him coming home. He doesn't stalk me. He doesn't call me dozens of time in the day. He doesn't accuse me of fooling around. He doesn't time me when I'm on errands. The list goes on and on...

If you know someone in an abusive situation or that might be, please support them, listen to them and get them help if they are ready.

If you can't leave for you please do it for your children! 

Let your child know about Teen stalking and abuse.

Educate!
Break the Silence!
Listen to your gut about a situation or person.

Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Monday, September 24, 2012

Exfoliate your life!



That is my favorite line! A very wise woman once told me I needed to "Exfoliate my life"! Scrubbing away emotions, people and things from my life.

I pondered this for sometime. I did realize seeing somethings from my marriage caused me great distress, despite the ordinariness (Not sure if that is a word) of the item. From time to time they triggered a memory which would bring me to my knees or cause me to fall into a depressive state.

Talking with another Survivor- "Journey of Grace" on blogspot. I usually don't talk to that much about my story to everyone. So, opening to her has been very much blessing! She mentioned that a certain object was unknowingly triggering memories and physical issues with her and she needed to replace it to move on. Which reminded me again of the rampage I went through a few times! I ransacked my closet and other things I had around the house that reminded me of my abuser. Everything from the slutty/sexy clothes he bought me to wear for him to decor pictures on the wall to even some of the vintage things I was selling online. I threw many things of the clothes away (sorry landfills!) and donated to a local thrift store much of the other things.

I felt as though a weight had lifted up off my shoulders!

I know for sure I have 2 pictures in the Living room that I'm sure have some lingering psychic impression on them of a time that was filled with some joy, fear and sadness. I'm debating about these two. I may toss them on a table this week and sell them. I love the pictures! They are adorable... Rambling!

Now, not everyone has these issues, so don't go throwing out everything! Think to yourself first about whatever it is that could be a catalyst for Panic/Anxiety attack or PTSD issues. Yes, I know somethings are pricey just to get rid of. Whether it be a bed, or jewelry or clothes, it's a personal choice. A house? Well, that's a really big item. Personally, I didn't want the house because of the memories involved. It was best to start over.

Things. Stuff. Kitchy things. They are just things. Ever hear you can't take it with you? Just something to think about my Dear Blogger! Don't forget you are worthy of wonderful things!

Keep safe! Remember you can find me on FB as hopewhentherewasnone. Please pass this on to anyone that maybe suffering in silence.

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Gaslighters handbook


Label your abuser with whatever term fits- Gaslighter, NARC, Psycho, mentally challenged or some random harsher language word. Despite what runs through my head I dare not lower myself to the words he has called me. I decided a long time ago to be a bigger person!

It's hard to leave your abuser. It's even harder to stay in the relationship!

Once you leave or kick him/her to the curb the abuse doesn't magically go away. Your abuser is still abusive. But you do not have to take it! If you still have physical contact in some form due to child arrangements or other random contact, you can leave or ask him/her to leave. If it is phone contact or email you can hang up or ignore the person.

I got to tell you the first time I hung up on my ex, it was empowering! I didn't do it to antagonize him, I did it to save myself further hurt feelings. And I did it because I COULD! My heart raced afterwards and I felt the adrenaline running throughout my whole body. I don't think I actually breathed for what seemed like several minutes after. The answer is yes he called back numerous times but I ignored his calls. That made me giggle! I felt elated! Not in a mean way, but as a feeling that I don't need to take any abuse of any sort from him EVER!

I have chatted with many Victims and Survivors of abuse and the story seems to be the same. The only difference in some stories is whether or not substance abuse in some way was used. Some abusers only hurt you if they are drinking or using drugs. But then again that's the story you tell yourself. I have found that many of the abusers are still in some way Gaslighting and the Victim makes excuses to explain that he/she is having a bad day or just grumpy or mouthy. They only abuse when they use. So the victim waits for the next binge or drink...

Sounds scary to me! I'm not sure which way is more worrisome to me! I worried daily about the "other shoe dropping". I can't imagine the other. No matter, if you find yourself chatting with another person that has been abused it seems as though they share very similar stories that it's spooky! I often make light that my ex must have a long lost sister or brother because they sound so much alike.

They don't actually have a Gaslighter handbook. But it does seem like if there was they would have read from the same book! Remember these things are not in your head. If you once doubt your experiences then you are SANE! You have to know you are not alone! You have to learn that you can survive and be free. You have to know that it's ok to call the police, leave a papertrail! If you have kids teach your children to call police if need be. My daughter called police during a supervised visitation last summer at my ex in-laws after there was a heated exchange between her grandparents, her and my ex.

The years that I was with my ex kind of meld together to the point where I don't recall many things. But, with the PTSD I have times where I am inundated with memories that trouble me deeply. For the last 12 years of my marriage I had pleaded with my ex to "Let me go". I begged him. I told him if I was so worthless why keep me? Why stay married? Then he would just play mind games with me. Afterwards he would confess to love me. Or just be oblivious to the incident as though waking from a dream and not knowing why I was upset or injured (he would almost always say he didn't remember hurting me or the kids and that we made it up).  I have mentioned before how surreal my life seems now compared to years ago. I feel blessed that we survived. We aren't out of the storm due to court ordered supervised Therapeutic counseling, which will make us vulnerable to physical contact with my ex and my son.  I feel safe knowing he does not know where we reside. Though it bugs me that I look over my shoulder and worry about him following me when he sees us. Be aware of your surroundings Dear Blog reader! Let someone know where you are at all times. Tedious but it could save your life...

If you are afraid to leave, that's normal! Confide in a friend or family member. Tell someone you trust. Please check out previous posts on "Leaving your abuser" or "Safety plan". Above all if you feel like you or your children are endanger don't stay! If you can not leave for you please think about your children/pets. Abuse is a cycle that needs to be broken.

Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Friday, September 7, 2012

Sweet escape

*older post I forgot about on FB blogs*
Sweet escape leaving an abuser

by Melinda Kunst on Tuesday, July 27, 2010 at 4:47pm ·
Reaching down and digging deep has been a constant struggle. After speaking with many people and hearing that you are suffering from abuse was shocking in some sense. I knew I was but to hear it from others was an eye opener. Over a year later the after effects of the abuse linger, almost like a sore spot that has never really healed. The kids seem to be breaking out of their shells and speaking up about experiences that bother them. When they speak of these things it's so matter of fact and getting to be so casual in conversation.

We have never really spoke of the day we left. I remember being a mess in admist garbage bags upon garbage bags filled with what was left of our life. After the excitement and getting everyone in bed. I broke down again. Both in relief as well as fear. I didn't sleep well for a long time, especially since he was on our doorstep a few hours before. He just showed up. He was crying and begging, my sister and her hubby were watching. My sister had called the police. He was begging me to come home. Promising me he would change. A sentiment I heard on a pretty regular basis.

He sent flowers, made constant calls and then threats. I ended up filing a Order of Protection and then later speaking to the Prosecutor about jail time. There was never enough to put him in prison. She spoke bluntly to me and off the record, stating that for anything to be done I needed to be hurt badly or killed. I left enraged and hurt. Feeling helpless. A feeling that does sometimes still get to me as last summer it was found out he had offered to pay someone to kill me. $5,000. The local authorities said there was not enough evidence. He is a sly one. Most abusers are, they cover their tracks well.

Over a year he has not changed, just sneakier. His rants may be matched to my own but I do this for therapy as well as to get our story out. If heaven forbid anything happens there is a trail that would lead back. Not that I have a wish for anything of the sort. I want to live out the remaining days of my life with Terry on a porch in some rockers or at a campsite over looking a river or lake. Enjoying our children and one another.

I look forward to the day when I won't have to look over my shoulder with concern that my STBX or my son is not out to get one of us. I do not look forward to the day that comes when he will be allowed to see the girls without visitation. Though he threatens he will gain custody of the girls soon. I honestly do not see how. My worry level is so peaked right now. I know I need to set my thoughts on positive and happiness for this Little One that we have been blessed with needs to cook a little longer!

I relish every moment of this pregnancy for many reasons! I'm with a man that, besides my children, has become my joy, my best friend, I have am learning to put any fear aside about things on my mind or concerns I have. I have been blessed to find the man I wanted to be a partner with. He makes me laugh and my heart grows warm even now when I think of him. He has taken such a shine to the girls and they love him to pieces! He knows he will never take the place in their hearts of their bio Dad, nor is that something he is intending! He is a positive male figure in their life and I am just amazed at how he can make them giggle and they go so many places with him. They have learned so much in such a short time!

Our escape was not meant as a sweet thing. It was meant as the best means and way possible for our new life. It didn't turn out exactly the way I planned, life never does. God has been good to us and has shown me that in every facet! I'm in a work place I am not thrilled with but at this time when so many are unemployed it pays the rent! Not much more but it works! Terry is still looking but right now, with the Little One coming it is wonderful to have him home with us. I'll be done with school soon, I can work on my Doula business a bit after the baby comes and find a better job.

Keeping my faith and my wits about me is something Terry has been helping me through. I really do count my blessings God gave me you!

More pearls of wisdom and rantings at www.myspace.com/hopewhentherewasnone

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Find me on Facebook!


After some hemming and hawing I decided to start a FB page for Survivors and Victims of any type of abuse. To share experiences or to leave a face with their story so we can put a face on Abuse!

Hopefully others can inspire and give hope to those that just can't leave or kick they're abuser out the door! I do not want this to bash our abusers. That's not it's purpose. Why stoop to that level or your abuser?

It's easy to just want to forget your past to move on with your future. But, trust me, it's not easy! Even with my best intentions to put my head in the sand to ease the memories, the past comes up behind me like a dark monster looming in the dark.

Embrace you! Embrace your past! It is what made you! Let those experiences make you stronger!

Help me put a face on Abuse! Strength in numbers!

Find me here- hopewhentherewasnone or Melinda Kunst on FB!

BIG HUGS and Blessings!

Mel

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Happily ever after...

I went through with it. I confessed to Terry some of my fears. God love him! He gave me some time to think and offered to call everything off. I felt so silly. I hyperventilated the whole week prior.  The big day came and the big day was beautiful! We couldn't have asked for better weather! We had a quick ceremony at church and then everyone piled into their cars and traveled down to the homestead, to feast on yummy food brought by my family and friends.

I got my Final Decree in the mail. It was very emotional for me. I cried for a bit. Feeling relief, overwhelmed, joy. I remain cautious while out and about as well as at home. 

Remember, yes there can be a "Happily ever ..." after a DV relationship.


It starts with -

*Leaving a paper trail. Tell anyone you can about the abuse. File police reports and Orders of Protection!

*Making a Safety plan

*Leaving your abuser

*Ditching the ties with the Abuser and possibly his/her family. There are times when some families say they are your allies but as time progresses true colors come out or fear of your abuser get to them. They may become defensive or defend the abuser. Suddenly, your support from his/her side wavers and poof! You could become the bad guy! Leaving you to scratch your head...

*Learning to live again without CHAOS! My daughter was on the phone with a friend and she could hear the dad yelling at the mom. My daughter J, was sad for her friend. But happy that's not a part of our lives anymore!

*LOVING YOURSELF! That's a hard one, at least it was/is for me.

* Stop blaming YOURSELF! It's hard not silence the nagging little voice of your abuser that can pop up randomly.

*BREAK the PATTERN of the same type of love relationships. You meet Mr./Mrs. Wonderful at a bar and they seem to always be losers. HELLO! Or you seem to keep attracting the same type of bad personality? It happens to many women/men. Your not alone! I was asked to date on various occassions but something seemed off and not right. Glad I listened to my inner guts, because lo and behold BINGO Dr. Hyde comes out.

*Don't bed the first person that sweeps you off your feet. Take time to get to know the person. Don't be afraid to ask his/her friends and family about this person. Google them!

Now don't email me about the laws on this stuff, I'm no attorney. I found out one gentleman was deep into BD/SM (Not that I am knocking that, it's just not a thing I want to jump back into. Not my cup of tea) and he was asked to retire from the Police due to ties to several unsolved murders of prisoners and has had sexual assault charges brought against him by other female officers. THANK YOU GOOGLE!

If you still feel like he or she is too good to be true, hire a detective. Ask YOUR friends and family what they see or think. It helps to have another pair of eyes to see what you may "not" want to see. You can see Mr./Mrs. Wonderful through rose colored glasses. So be open to hear what they have to say!

*Change you! You are deserving of happiness and joy! Break any kind of habits that aren't good for you. (In my own opinion) Smoking, drugs, alcohol, anything that is illegal. Maybe partying all night. Dressing provocatively. I personally want a person to be attracted to me, not the clothes I'm wearing. I want their eyes to be fixed on mine not my breasts or my behind. You attract what you put out there. I'm more modest at my old age.

*Start your change by taking up a long forgotten hobby, Vision (Wish/Prayer) board or create a Bucket list of things you want to do (See previous posts). Whether it's losing weight, breaking out your glue gun, writing, singing, dancing or what have you. The world is still your oyster! Grab it!

*Think positive! Kick old thoughts to the curb. Challenge yourself to say something positive to yourself or those around you.  Remember if you have children (pets) that have endured abuse they need a boost too! Get them involved in making a positive change for the better. Remind children that the relationship you had with your abuser is not the "Norm". That there is better times. That they can do anything they put they're minds to! Remind them that Dad (or Boy/Girlfriend) or Mom's behavior is their's. They can break and make new positive patterns. They are capable of great things too!

All of these take time. They can happen with baby steps, courage, persistance and love. Oh, there will be bumps in the road. (Terry and I have issues but they are nothing compared to the relationship I had with my EX)

Talk to someone, a counselor, friend or family member. Please remember your not alone! There are others just like you suffering in silence. Break the chain! Stand up! Don't take anymore! (I am not encouraging anyone to take another life here)

Get away safely or call the police to keep your abuser away. Tell someone! Anyone! Write a blog! Keep your face in your blog so you keep a name with your face. That you are a person that doesn't want to end up splashed on the news as a statistic.

God bless and keep you Dear Blog reader!



Stay safe!
BIG HUGS!
Mel