A little about me

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Brook, IN, United States
Abuse doesn't stop at the court room. Melinda has shared her battles in her life and through the court room as she navigates through the legal system Bringing encouragement, insight and empowerment to those that are in a abusive relationship. She is in the process of creating a new life, speaking engagements to "Break the Silence" of abuse, while putting a face to abuse. She is currently working on writing a book about her experiences as a Survivor.View short Bio here- https://www.patheos.com/blogs/ahappymedium/2013/02/notbrokenbutbrave/

Friday, December 30, 2011

I'm positive I am living again

Big red nose
Empty boxes of tissues
Eyes red with stained salt on your cheeks from crying

The first few days that I left for the THIRD and FINAL time was no easier then the first time.

I doubted my choice.
I reasoned with myself.
Told myself time apart was good.
Knowing in my heart I would have not lived to see the end of 2009 if I stayed with STBX.
That is a fact that close friends and family remind me of from time to time.

I am learning to live freely.
To love freely.
To make my own choices.
Learning to shake off old routines and making my own.
Learning to be me. The old me. The one that is a practical joker and can break out in song randomly in public or dance in the grocery aisle for no reason. The me that makes silly faces at my kids or with Terry.

I wish I can say that took overnight but it is nearly 3 years since I left him (2/25/09), the change is slow and I have no patience for myself. I am bothered by the effects of PTSD that have caused me to be panicky and paranoid that he is around the corner. Or will he send our son to do his evil bidding. Seriously! I have not a doubt that he would do that! He is a evil person that is cunning, methodical and can be the sweetest person you ever met. A person that met him (court professional) compared him to Ted Bundy. Another Psychologist told me off the record he was psychotic and I was in danger if I stayed with him.

I don't know why I didn't end up like Laci Peterson or Stacy Peterson or Nicole Smith for that matter any of those ladies you hear about splashed on the news. But I do thank the Lord that He has kept me this safe.

I am capable of great things and I though I do not know what is around the corner. But I am remaining positive it will be wonderful!

I don't question my leaving him. I don't ask why me. I no longer feel jaded that I will never have a normal relationship. I will not be a victim again!

Stay safe! Please see my other entries about Safety plans and Leaving your Abuser!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Domestic Relations bummer

I finally went in to put in that I changed our address. (I was able to get all the paperwork needed for the PO Box so I can fill out the required court change.) I wandered into the Domestic Relations room to let them know as well of the change. On my way out I bid a quick "Hello" to one of the boss's, of course this then proceeded for her to ask how things were. I mentioned the move and that I received text messages from R about reconciling. She asked about if we are visiting at the Children's Treehouse and how the visits were going. I told her that R hadn't scheduled any appointments.

And what about me seeing my son. I just shook my head and explained the court said it wasn't safe for us to visit due to M's apparent anger towards me. She went on to give me example's of others that had situations where marriages broke up due to an affair in the relationship.

This made me mad! I put away any kind of anger and reminded her as best I could that I left the SOB due to domestic violence. That I was tired and scared that I would have not lived through the following year if I stayed.

I was tired of getting hit, pushed, called names, being accused of cheating, being raped if I didn't want to have sex, having my hair pulled, watching my kids see me spanked or smacked, being pushed down the stairs and more. I was tired!

She didn't know what to say at first. She sat there stunned. She apologized, she assumed that M was upset that Terry broke up the marriage. I said that the marriage was broken long before Terry entered the picture.

M's anger and fighting in school started back in 4th and 5th grade. It had nothing to do with my leaving his Dad.We talked a bit more and then I headed out.

I got to the car and just cried. I was so upset by the comments she made. Upset that I was reminded once again by the crap he put me and the kids through. I felt ugly when I told her about these things. I felt stupid again too for putting up with it for so long. I was a mess for the rest of the day. I told Terry about the incident and it made him upset as well. She is the same lady that made Terry leave back in 2009 when Matt attacked him at the court house. If he would have been able to stay perhaps that wouldn't have happened.

I have gotten messages yesterday from M and then later his Dad, R. Rambling that I wouldn't let M see the girls for Christmas! HELLO! His Dad has supervised visits and I can not just let the girls go. I was so tee'd off on Christmas due to me telling the girls to wish Grandma A Merry Christmas, but Grandma pleaded with J to talk to her Dad. J said no, but then relented to make Grandma happy. R grew upset when A didn't want to talk to him. J asked her sister 2 more times and A mouthed no! Then ran into the bathroom and hid for about a half hour. She was scared.

GGGRRR!!! R ended the conversation with "I guess that's another strike against your Mother!"

I really don't like that man! I have had a upset stomach for days. Why do I let him get under my skin?
I do not believe he knows we moved yet. I know he will be on the war path once he finds out! BIG CHEESY GRIN!

And since he kept harassing me with text messages I blocked him and Matt. I was so upset from the messages. Terry said enough is enough. I didn't need to be beat down by them. I was relieved but not by any means in better spirits. SIGH! March 6th hurry up!

Monday, December 19, 2011

No guts! No glory!

There is little to be said about a man (or woman) that beats on another person.
I have a hard time digesting the case studies and the psycho mumbo jumbo that I find to support the fact that many abusers had a rough life growing up so they continue a cycle.

I believe in choices!

I believe right from wrong and knowing well enough once the person is old enough to distinguish between the two.

I believe that once the person acts on a impulse to harm another that it gets easier to repeat again down the road.

I believe that staying in this type of relationship with Mr. or Mrs. Psycho Gaslighter Abuser or whatever you want to call this person is not an easy choice to choose.

We each have to decide when enough is enough.

We each have to decide that road to destruction or the path to being a victim due to placing blinders up is our choice.

I had a choice to leave the SOB many times.

I choose to stay due to his intimidation.

I choose to stay because I would have no money or job, no place to go.

I believed every lie he told me to keep me with him. I choose to believe every lie that I wouldn't make it without him.

I choose to believe that our relationship was "Normal".

I choose to believe his apologizes and he would never do it again.

I made my choice by saying Yes to everything he told me. To making excuses for his behavior and his actions to family and friends.

I choose my private hell.

I choose to stay.

I choose to believe I could make him change or help him to change.

I choose to believe that he loved me and all the lies he told me that tore my spirit down to shreds to make himself feel better or come out on top.

I allowed him to take pieces of me because of the hard on he got from hurting me.

I take part of the responsibility for the way things turned out. But...

There comes a time when enough is enough. You get tired of the name calling, the punches, or bloody lips or just the nervousness of not knowing if it will be a good day or bad day when he/she comes through that door.

Leaving.

Honey! It isn't easy! No sugar coating it! Prince charming in many cases isn't around the corner to swoop in and save the day. If there is a man around the corner, more then likely he is wearing tin foil. Beware of a wolf in sheep clothing! Jumping out of a relationship soon after the taking the leap of faith isn't a wise choice!

Heading the nearest bar or dance club isn't the answer either.


YOU HAVE TO HEAL!

This takes time! Now I am talking many months to YEARS!

Remember during this time of separation he/she will tell you everything you want to hear (even if it the 5th time you left!). They promise to change for real this time! Promise to take meds or kick the drug/alcohol habit! They promise to never do whatever they did to you (kids) again.

You will hear begging.


You will hear pleading.

You may get flowers.

Offers to buy you things or dinner/lunch.


If a number or days or weeks go by you may hear things like:


Who are you seeing?
Were you *ucking someone all this time?
Or I know you are seeing someone else!
It's your fault we didn't work out! If you only didn't make me mad or fly off the handle we wouldn't have problems!
You didn't make the appointments for the counseling!
You didn't take my drugs or alcohol away. You must not love me!
If you really loved me you wouldn't leave me.
I suffered from abuse from you all these years don't lie to people and say it was me! (popular one used by these abusers!)


It quickly yo-yo's back until your reserve is down and you long to keep the relationship together so you cave!


Well, he/she wants to just talk. What's the harm in that?


The harm is they really don't want to be alone. They have molded you and vested time making you into the punching bag they neurotically love to beat down with words or fists. Whether in a lucid or drug induced state when this happens. It is wrong!


They have you where they want you!


Be strong! It is hard! Your nose has taken on a Karl Malden look. (I personally don't cry as pretty as Demi Moore did in Ghost). I went through countless boxes of tissue even though I was thrilled and relieved to be gone there was a mourning period.

Leaving is a hard thing.
It takes guts to stand up and leave. It takes guts to know when enough is enough! There is glory and when you finally have had the balls to leave you will have glory, peace and your sanity back. It takes time but it will happen!


Learn to love you again! I've said this countless times. Find you again! The "You" that loved life. The "You" that had aspirations of good things. The "You" that had friends or found joy in doing whatever tickled you. Take time to rediscover "You".

Be safe my friend! If you don't have a safety plan please do so! Check out previous entries about Safety plans or Safety. Let other close friends and family know what is going on in your life. Don't keep it a secret any longer!

Monday, December 12, 2011

So you left him now what?

Your eyes are red, nose looks like Rudolph, salt stains seem to be perminately tattooed to your cheeks, so now what?

Stop checking your email and phone for messages from him.

Think about your future. It seems bleak right now.

You may be in a situation where you have no job, no place to go and no money. If you have kids you have an additional worry.

IF you planned your escape then I am hoping you had a "Go Bag" together so you aren't left without things you really need or important papers. Hopefully you have a small stash of cash on hand. If not make sure you find contact information for the nearest Women's shelter. They can provide you with information to help you on your new journey!

This is a new start for you! You can make it! Brush off those thoughts of doing yourself harm or getting revenge on him. It's pointless!

Put your Big Girl panties on and realize you can make it!

Make a list of everything you can think of that you have together. From the toaster to the ice trays!
Make a list of where you want to be in 6 months, a year or 2 years!

Do things you always wanted to do! Take up a new hobby! Spend time with your kids or pets. Learn to love yourself all over again.

Small steps but you can do it!

Monday, December 5, 2011

We moved!

We did it! I wish I could share where we are but the only thing I can say is that we are still in Indiana and within 100 miles of Crazy Man. I feel relieved! It happened so fast!

I hope to notify the court of a new PO Box soon. I need proof of residency first. Figures! But I got to tell you it is so nice not to have to look over my shoulder!

Oh I don't want to get cocky! The week before we were all out my son texted me that he wanted to know if Dad knew where were moving to... YIKES! Never another comment though.

So that's it! Hope to stay safe! Wishing everyone finds the strength to leave and to learn to love themselves again.

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Leaving Mr. or Ms. Abuser



So you have decided to do it or for whatever reason you are out!

YEA YOU!

If you had time to plan your big leap great!

If you didn't and are out of the house and wonder how to get your things from the bum think about this.

Your alive! THINGS can be REPLACED! Staying in a toxic relationship because you have property that you are fixing up together or selling or because you will be damned if you leave first is stupid!

Get your head out of your butt!

There is no price tag on your life or the lives of your child or pets.

I ended up selling or throwing out the things I did manage to get back from Rob because of the memories attached. The things that he broke or sold instead of giving them back to me after time I realized I really didn't need them.

Check out my Checklist for leaving your abuser entry if you have time to plan.

There is never a good time to leave a relationship. But there is never a bad time to leave a toxic abusive relationship!

Stay safe!

Spaghetti night

The smell of rich pasta sauce permeate the air, steam is covering the windows from the huge pot of spaghetti on the stove. She lifts the lid on the rich aroma of garlicky tomato sauce; she stirs the pot and pauses to blow on the wooden spoon before it reaches her lips for a quick taste to make sure it’s just right.
She enjoys cooking. It is a form of stress release and a way of escaping the thoughts of worry that cloud her mind.
The TV is blaring in the background, with kids whooping and hollering about the funny commercial they just saw. All three come racing around the corner of the kitchen nearly knocking her over. She just smiles, they are growing so fast! Soon he will be home and she will have to alert the kids to chill out in case he is in a bad mood.
The dog starts barking madly! Everyone freezes.
He’s home. She panics. The kids scurry to the front room, turning down the TV and shushing one another.
She braces herself and hopes for the best. She pastes on a fake smile and greets him. He’s in a foul mood.
He begins to tell her to undress him. She takes off his coat, takes off his flannel shirt, and unbuckles his pants and hurries to unlace his shoes. She smiles and looks up to ask him how his day was. He ask her, “How the f*ck do you think my day went?”
She tries to stay positive with doom entering her now heavy heart. She smiles again as she helps him take off his boots. He kicks her away. She absently slowly crawls backward.
He stomps upstairs. Sniffing the air. “What the h*ll!” I can’t even come home to food on the table and what did you burn in the oven?!”
Oh my gosh! The garlic bread! She hurries and keeps silent. Grabbing the bread quickly and inwardly feeling shame and knowing he would get upset. And then she remembers the spaghetti was still cooking on the stove. The noodles are super overdone. He’s going to be mad.
Hopefully he won’t notice. HA! She thought, he will.
She emptied the pot with tears stinging her eyes. He was quiet and watching her. His eyes smoldered. Courage took over and she asked him why didn’t he call that he was so close to home? And she said, “I’ll hurry and pop more bread in the oven.”
He just stood there watching. His hands clinched the counter that separated them by 2 feet, of which he would have no problem with reaching over and hitting her. The kids were silent in the other room.
He blows up and says, “Call you?! What so you have time to get the dic* out of your *ussy?”
“I know your *ucking someone.”
He yells that she’s useless! She burned his dinner! She must have done that because she was busy talking to her boyfriend or *ucking him.
The words stinging. She tells him he is being silly. He comes around the counter and angrily dumps the colander in the garbage. He then whips around and tells her to eat the garlic bread as it is, since she burned it.  And he then demands her to make him his dinner and not to burn it this time.
He throws the colander at her and she throws her hands up in defense.  She could hear one of the kids crying. He spins on his heels, yells that she must have told the kids not to talk to him because they did not come to give him a hug and kiss when he came home.
He pushes her.
He pushes her again.
He stops by the plates on the counter that were to be set on the table for dinner. He throws them at her. She gets hit, stifles moans because he would get more enraged.  She catches the kids sneak up to their rooms and she feels relief. She doesn’t like when they see her like this. Huddling in a corner, bruised, crying, whimpering and ashamed.
A veil seems to have lifted, he smiles. Asks how much longer for dinner and he walks to the other room to watch TV. She is still on the floor befuddled, teary-eyed and stunned. The tirade from start to finish was 10 minutes. It seemed like an eternity.
“Hey Honey bring me a Diet Sierra Mist.” He also tells her to have the kids come down to watch The Simpsons.
He looks at her and asks for a kiss as if nothing happened minutes before.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Abuse is abuse. I went through this with Rob for so many years. I left him so many times physically and mentally. 

Leaving him was the hardest thing I ever did. Staying gone was the best thing I ever did!

Ask yourself, do you truly want to live in fear for the rest of your life? 
Do you want to continually wonder when the shoe is going to drop?
Do you want your children to see what is going on or hear what is going on?
Do you want your children to think that behavior is ok?
Does he/she continually say they are sorry and won't do it again.

The definition of Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results.

So believing this person is going to really change is insane!

Believe in yourself!

The sun will rise and set without that person in your life. Someday you may find love again after you have healed. The chances of repeating history is pretty high after you leave your abuser so starting a relationship is to be addressed with caution!

Learn to love yourself again! Do things you always wanted to do. Make new friends! Enjoy your children or your pets! Take up a new hobby! You don't need a partner in your life to put you down or tell you you can't. 

Be brave you can do it! Take a leap for your life and sanity!