A little about me

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Brook, IN, United States
Abuse doesn't stop at the court room. Melinda has shared her battles in her life and through the court room as she navigates through the legal system Bringing encouragement, insight and empowerment to those that are in a abusive relationship. She is in the process of creating a new life, speaking engagements to "Break the Silence" of abuse, while putting a face to abuse. She is currently working on writing a book about her experiences as a Survivor.View short Bio here- https://www.patheos.com/blogs/ahappymedium/2013/02/notbrokenbutbrave/

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Reminds me...

Repost from 5/17/2009 My myspace blogs

Saw R today he was pounding on the window of the van, demanding that I put it down! Terry had reminded me to double check my windows and door locks, as everytime I see R he tries to get at me. So R is getting more upset, I worry because he offhandly mentioned he has a few sets of keys to the van. He may have said that just to see if I would panic. I did see him go for his keys and I think I actually saw the van key, but he flashed them so fast I am not sure if I actually saw it. The kids had the privilege of observing this outburst. Way to go R!

I found out on the way home that R yelled at M while he was over there. M said he was upset because his Dad was bad mouthing me. He wanted to call me but R wouldn't let him. I told M if he felt threatened he needed to call 911 next time.  He said he didn't feel threatened it just made him cry.

Oh that man! He is screwing it up all on his own. I know he didn't change, no way and no how. I feel bad but this is something the kids need to learn on they're own. They are old enough to find out for themselves, just in case they have forgotten they are in for a refresher course! Sounds terrible I know!

How many times did that man push me out of the car both while moving and not? He'd get mad at stupid things so many times. Didn't matter if it were hot or cold, "Get the *uck out!" You would have thought I would be used to it but no matter how many times did I feel my heart feel as though a knife had passed threw it? You feel this sick sinking feeling in your belly. Feeling that you let him down again for whatever.

I can remember him telling me on numerous times that if I left him no one would ever find my body. He said he would tell a group of men where I was and he would have them rape me repeatedly. After I was raped he said if they let me live after they then beat me he would rush in as the savior. I would never know when this would happen so I would need to watch out. He would tell me that he knew men at job sites that were unsavory and wouldn't mind taking a buck or a case of beer to do something.

I pictured that in my mind. Is he all talk? I don't know, I do know I can never let my guard down.

I grew to hate myself for many years not liking who I saw in the mirror, a coward, someone with a crooked smile, my glasses didn't sit right on my face (because of my funny ear), ugly, blah, blah, blah! I overheard someone close to me get called a "Stupid lazy Mexican" I thought of R, he would say that or something similar. Or he would say all Mexicans were lazy *uckers. I was nothing but a spic not even worth going down on him.
 I would get up some mornings hating myself. I hated the mirror, I hated to look anyone in the eye, I still struggle with this. I find myself looking down or away. I don't understand how anyone feels that I am attractive.

He would tell me that all men wanted just a lay. Don't look at them or talk to them. I grew paranoid that it's all men wanted so I didn't look. He would constantly accuse me of cheating tirelessly. I wasn't. I could have but did not sink to his level.

The many faces of abuse

You maybe surprised at those that stand up when asked if they are abused, whether physically, emotionally, sexually and so on... Old, young , middle-age, teenager, White, Latin, Black,and so on. They are rich, poor and middle class. Your neighbor, your Grandparent, your aunt, uncle, cousin, your son/daughter or even you!

Stereotyping someone that is abused is just as bad as thinking all substance abusers look the same or come from the same backgrounds. Or all homeless persons are just mentally ill. No matter what the background, anyone can become in a situation that is not healthy. That woman down the street with 3 kids maybe smiling each time you see her but if you look closely she is hiding some scars or that elderly man seen on rare occassions seems like a grumpy person, but you don't know the kids are yelling or hitting him every chance they take and he steals time outdoors as though he were a child out after dark.

There is no typical background, race or age for abuse! Many can fall victim easily. Not all abusers are substance users, not all abusers are the same or follow the same pattern.

When you look closely at the sea of faces before you in a given day do you honestly know someone that is abused? Have you seen the signs and just put on blinders? Or perhaps you just tell yourself it's not my problem. I don't want to get involved...

You can break the silence! Lend a helping hand! If you need more information on how to help call The National Domestic Abuse Hotline-
1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)Anonymous & Confidential Help 24/7

WINNER!

Seriously? Why are so many Abusers put up in high regards? Charlie Sheen is now added to the growing list of celebs that are abusive in some form to they're mates. I admit I saw some of Sheen's ramblings, not surprising to me they sound like many things my STBX believed. It boggles the mind at how many people are allowing this man to gain wealth from this! I refused to become one of his Twitter followers. I joked with my sister briefly "WINNER!" for some reason but looking back why give Sheen anymore power or give any of those men any high fives at all?

No one wins when there are children involved. Divorce is ugly (of course even if there are no kids it is still nasty)! I firmly believe in staying with your mate, BUT not at the expense of losing your self esteem, your mental or physical state, your children's emotional or physical welfare or your life or their's!

The I'm sorry's and Honeymoon stage was too much for me and after the upteenth time it was time to break free. I didn't like who I was or what I had become. I didn't like my children to have to experience things they heard or felt. I didn't like my kids to see me in a puddle on the floor with blows from my STBX. I was reminded of how much they did see by J last night. Her brother, M, had been kind of looking for her on her way home from school on several occassions. She was worried that he may harm her. She called me and told me the situation, long story short, once she arrived home and calmed down alittle she asked if she could call her brother. I was surprised but I said sure.

After 2 very heated calls between the two of them guess who called her back? You got it STBX gave her a tongue lashing about how it was inappropiate the way she talked to her brother and so on. She gave her Dad an earful too! You can't help but hear conversations since our apartment is so small. The conversation ended with STBX threatening to have her taken away from me. Same old R! Anyway keeps us in your prayers while we still deal with this madman.

I really pray for help for my son and my STBX. Believe it or not I do wish him well. I also want to be left alone, it irks me that I feel like a prisoner here. Having to watch over my shoulder. With comments from him and a member of his family stating that "If I/he has't hurt you by now..." GRRFACE! Everytime I saw STBX in 2009 he physically placed his hands on me EVERY chance he had gotten. He won't change. 

I am placing the Power wheel in this blog as a reminder not only for myself but to others that the cycles of abuse are like a rollercoaster. Only you can decide when to get off.

I myself been there done that, got the T-shirt and postcard. I'm never revisiting crazy again...
Power of Control Wheel

Monday, March 28, 2011

Remembering

July 22, 2009
More and more memories have been coming to mind lately. Things I had forgotten. I remember when I started to hate small places. Why I panic when something is covering my face. They both go hand and hand...69 and a 285 lb man is never a good thing.

I had the images the other day and I recall crying for him to get off of me, I couldn't breath, he just kept hollaring for me to shut up and keep sucking his *ick. (His words) I was panicking! I recall him biting me because I was crying. It was horrible anytime he asked me to do that and I dreaded it. I believe he got morbid pleaure out of smothering me. We stopped kissing one another a long time ago. I kept getting sick! I would tell him that I must be allergic to him. There's more hygiene related issues with his mouth but I won't go there.

I have had some bad dreams, I see R's face looming in the dark as if waiting to pounce. I remember him kicking me in the tailbone while I was painting in the back corner of the antique shop. I wasn't going fast enough! It really smarted but I had to suck back my tears while apologizing for not going quicker and I would try to work faster.

In many ways I hate that place! I love the people but hate it at the same time. I know how much blood, sweat and tears I put in that place literally. How many times I just sat in a dark corner of the back chocking my tears down or trying to cover up a bruise he left. I was worried his sister would say something to him about it, by telling anyone there would be hell to pay later.

I recall him coming home many times with a smile that would turn into a picture of hatred and anger in seconds. There was no reason, or the reasons sounded outlandish. A soggy sandwich, not enough ice in his water jug, the sun shined too much and gave him a headache...

How many times I literally had my back to the wall with his hands around my neck. Lord I don't miss that! He doesn't remember hitting me before we left him in February, he remembers nothing, not the kicking, threats, head banging or nasty words he would say.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Moving on...

Reaching out to others that have experienced any form of abuse has been a wonderful way to find out that I am not alone! Whatever the circumstance it has been a real eye opener to talk with others or encourage others that feel that there is no help or a way out. As time goes on it heals all wounds right? I am waiting for the day when I do not get any type of communication from my STBX about his love for me. Sounds sweet huh? There was a time I would swoon, there was a time when those 3 little words had meaning coming from his lips. Even the "I'm sorry it won't happen again" words lost there meaning once they are said repeatedly.

The last year I was with STBX was rocky, filled with many threats of physical acts of violence, many mental games, or telling the kids that if Mom leaves me it's your fault. Or if I were to leave him he would kill the kids during a visitation. (Something that still haunts me and causes me fear) We are still with supervised visits and I wish we could move them to a safer place. I found out that we are not safe there and even though it is held with family on his side there is mind games and the girls are not looked after as well as promised. Now they want to have things done to their home so everything is now swept under the rug. Like usual, R is not causing problems is he? Nope it has been twisted to be my fault and for what? What reason do I have to want to keep in touch with that family? None... I wonder what's the use right now. Blood is thicker then water...

For the most part time has been good to me. I have learned alot about myself to know that the marriage/relationship I was in was not a healthy or good one. The nightmares and panic attacks are still here but not as frequent. Oh boy do I still get the "Demand and Command" calls, texts or emails from my STBX (soon to be ex), but now they come from our son since STBX is not allowed to reach me. I am not looking forward to the day my Order of Protection expires. That worries me! I wish we could move from here and soon. But circumstances do not allow us to right now.

I did find a pamphlet at the police station a few weeks back about changing mailing addresses for victims of abuse, but Terry said that probably wouldn't count me in since I have kids with STBX. I'm at the point of being fed up once again with our legal system. I have tried in vain to get matters turned over to the police and hope the State's attorney listens.

In the mean time I decided to do a walk that takes place next month for Abuse. I'm pretty excited and anxious, I've taken to start walking again and that dreaded exercise word! I keep blogging in attempt to help others and to let them know they are not alone.

I won't be placed in a mental hospital for some made up reason, and do by all means welcome any test needed to prove my sanity, which is something my STBX made me doubt for years while I was with him. History does have a tendency to repeat itself. He will/does come off sweet, as a gentleman, great dad (now), genuine and God fearing. He will sweep someone off they're feet. I do wish he would change for his kids sake. I'm long gone and will not return. No more Honeymoon cycle for me! No thank you! The days, months and years of up's and down's is way too much for me. I feel sorry and worried for anyone else he will eventually find. Oh, the process is slow and it will happen gradually. Not overnight! So much so that you would not even notice it right away. That's how Gaslighters/Abusers work.

Anyway I'm done with crazy and feel sorry for the next gal but I do hope he does change. I hope one day he accepts that he has issues, that he will learn from his past mistakes. I have! I know I will never allow anyone to brow beat me again. I will not allow anyone to threaten my kids or me again. I will not allow anyone to beat me down to make himself look good. I will never warm anyone's plate, never shower a man or get him dressed in the morning, never keep myself awake because I was afraid to fall asleep or worry if I fell asleep what he would do to me. I will never worry myself so much that my hair falls out or my ulcer acts up or I lose sleep. I will never again be a victim...

3 calls and one text later...

I got a call from my son today, M, started in about "The meeting" between him and I that happened sometime ago, which never happened. As I said before I did see him but we didn't talk or approach one another. We both went at it on the phone, I insisted that it never happened, while he used the same type of wear ya down tactics from his father. I told him not to be the Fall guy for his dad. Eventually none of this was going in and there was total disrespect on the phone that I hung up.

Since R (or B whatever he calls himself lately) can not approach me due to the Order of Protection, he will have his son do his dirty work. Calling, texting or what have you. This "Meeting" that supposedly went on was about me being held "Hostage" by Terry, is funny. But seriously worrisome since now my son is lying to pacify my husband (STBX) and in doing so he keeps lies going to not only give a morale booster to his Dad but to also give him hope that we are going to get back together. The meeting never happened, I will never come back to his Dad. His Dad has an obession. That's me! His toy is gone! He can't play with me or control me anymore. He does not know what love is. So I get a few more calls with hang-up's and one text that says "U know wat we talked about mom". I haven't had a decent conversation with my son since April of 2009. Since he has been with his Dad, he has been spiteful and mean spirited.

I answered that he should go outside, and not to let his Dad make him his Fall guy. I didn't hear back. I wish he would get the message that I don't want to be back in a marriage with him. I got an email from him, actually it was a forward, gosh I hate those things, anyway, it has several email addresses on it. I wonder what he told these ladies about me, if at all. I heard there was a lady that he dated that he did not tell that he was still married. Way to start a relationship!

I got another call from M, he actually believes he met with me. He is turning just as troublesome as his Dad...

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Guess who has an Order of Protection against him?!

WELL! Terry was served yestreday! Heaven's to Betsy! Long story short, there was an incident in which J thought she was being followed and she was by her brother, M on his bike. She went to a neighbors for safety. She called Terry (I was napping with the baby, I know lousy excuse but he still does not sleep through the night!), he was gone in a flash to get her. He noticed a bike rider, it was M! Terry took a picture of him after saying HI M! Then off he went to grab J. 5 mins or so after coming in the house the phone rang! J answered and M asked if Terry was home. Weird huh? J said "Yes" and he hung up on her.

Not even 10 mins later, I totally was able to be coherent enough to make something out of the flurry that left the house, as well as the excitable people that rushed in and that's when I saw STBX (R) and M drive by in R's work truck! M was dropped off out of my sight of the front window. Where he came through the back to an awaiting Terry that dashed out to make sure his car was not being messed with.

M came strolling up and asked if J was home. Terry said no and M quickly walked off! He was in a near sprint back to the front of the apartment dialing or texting on his phone.

Now off and on since then I have nasty text messages about how I am supposed to be back with STBX and Terry has me brain washed as well as holding all of us against our will. HA! HA! Sorry had to laugh otherwise I would cry.

Flashforward to yesterday, there waiting on our door handle is the Summons for the Order of Protection for Terry. It says that Terry told Matt that he was "Dead M***** Fu****! 

UGH! So now we have this. R wants Terry out of the house and picture so he thinks I will come back. He in his warped mind thinks I am pineing for him but under Terry's brainwashing spell! GIGGLE! Now that is funny!

The sense of reasoning is gone from STBX. I have never been able to talk to him directly or indirectly. Everything turns out to be my fault or someone elses. He can never take the blame on his own. He can never see any fault in himself. He is talking with our 15 year old son about things that he should not be aware of! Initmate things! R claims M gets his phone and see's texts or emails between the 2 of us. Apparently any attempt at placing a password on his cell is totally escapeable for him.

SO! Now what?! I don't know, the meeting last week with the GAL was good. He did not stay long, he said he knew enough to know what was going on. He answered a few questions from J and then he left to go meet M and STBX.

I was so fed up yesterday that I DID leave a message on M's phone about him not listening to his Dad about things with the divorce. I said I hated his father, I would never go back to him and that Terry was not holding a gun to my head. That the meeting he said happened never did. Why was he lying to his Dad? Why was he lying for his Dad? I told him that his Dad needed a Fall guy and guess who he is. I told him to be careful and that his Dad needs help. There was more but it is sketchy now. I suppose they will use that in court. I'm so tired of court and this mess. I just want my divorce. I can not afford the Paternity test requested by the court so I know that will prolong the proceedings longer. I know R says he wants custody of the girls so that will prolong this mess. GGGRRR FACE! Next court date is in June, right around the corner but not fast enough. I don't want anything! I just want to be free and left alone.

I miss my son, I miss the son he was and how his goofy grin and bad jokes made me laugh. Now he texts me that it is all my fault, that I am the one that made them scared of their Dad. And he was never a bad Dad it was all me. It makes me want to throw up, it makes me want to scream and cry at the same time.

I know I was threatened on a regular basis. That he would kill the kids or me or even the dog. I know on July 22nd 2009 I got a call from R that he was sorry and he apologized to me. That everything in my blogs WAS TRUE!

I keep hearing that he will get karma, seriously? He just drove by...

Thursday, March 17, 2011

I am reminded...

There’s a girl sitting alone on a park swing, children are playing all around her. Kids whiz by as if she is invisible, in her mind she wishes she were. Two girls and one boy stop in front of her, smiling smugly, the young girl steels herself, “Wait for it…” she thinks in her mind, “Your ugly!” screams the two girls loudly and they laugh with the boy in two pointing and giving high fives to one another. A tear rolls down the young girl’s cheek…

Later walking home at a snails pace she finally reaches her destination, home. Home is where her Mother calls her fat and stupid. Home is where her Father comforts her in a way she is not supposed to tell anyone about.

A very well groomed woman with a high powered job, seeming to have it all in her named brand clothes and fancy car. At home she has a husband and baby waiting. Her husband has a Meth habit; he has become someone she doesn’t even know. He waits for her not for hugs and kisses but to tear her purse apart looking for money for his new love that his dealer supplies for thousands. They are so far in debt; her husband has hocked everything but what meager belongings she has she leaves at work. She puts on her we are the perfect family face. Her child is at home crying, her 9 month old baby is wearing a diaper she had put on before she left for work, it is filled so badly it hangs in a soggy smelly mess. The small hungry tear stained face looks up at her from his crib, they can’t afford daycare and she has no one else to leave the child with.

It’s morning and a man stumbles into the shower, grabs a bite to eat and rushes out the door. He’s heading the cancer ward at the University where is wife of 55 years is fighting for her life. She is all he ever had and the future looks bleak. He was told the day before he was losing his life partner and he doesn’t know what he is going to do. He has depleted all of their retirement, he had part time job that he lost last month due to the economy.

Pastor and his Deacon have had to have words as some members have concerns about bruises on the Deacon’s wife face and they’re children from time to time. He dismisses it as clumsiness. The family has a good reputation of participating in all the functions at church, they bake casseroles. Never miss a Sunday. Members have noticed for years the wife is quiet and mousy, the children are skittish, the Deacon has been known to blow his top.  At home he runs a tight ship with his fists. He has a porn addiction makes his wife do things that he had seen on the web. He spews words from his mouth at his children and wife to bring them to tears. He threatens them not to tell or else!

I could go on and on with thousands of situations. I am brought to tears sometimes hearing about kids that are bullied, kids that parents do not care about except to collect a government check monthly. Parents that should be loving they’re children but home is not safe for the child.

You see people or talk to them daily and things are not as they seem. You may think you have it bad. Walk in someone else’s shoes. There is more to life then heading to the bar or club.

What can you do? Care about someone else for a change. Listen, be a shoulder for another, find out what you can do in your community. Be an answer to someone’s prayer.

I am reminded that we are at war! We are losing or they injured they are somebody’s brother, son, husband, wife, daughter, while they are fighting our freedom!

 I am reminded of a recent story in Israel where a family was slaughtered.

I am reminded that tonight a parent is crying because he/she has a child that was abducted or missing and that child will not be home tonight.

I am reminded of a strong lady that has the task of telling a parent or relative that their child that was missing will never come home.

I am reminded of a family that has a young child that is close to death and was recently brought to the States for help and hope.

I am reminded of a few moms suffering with domestic violence.

I am reminded of a older woman that has been bed ridden ravaged by cancer, and her caretakers are family that yell and beat her when she wets her bed.

I am reminded of a couple that is hooked on crack and they are pregnant with twins and the woman has no plans on stopping. 

I am reminded of a adorable little boy that has a few physical issues but is a sweet kid that other children are bullying.

I am reminded of children that are 12 years old and becoming mothers when they should be playing tag.

I am reminded of the young child in desperate need of a transplant.

I am reminded of a boy that has it all but is in trouble with police for under age drinking and a few other things because he feels unloved.

I am reminded of a family that seems to have it all but the father is seeing another woman and beating on his kids.

I am reminded of a mom that is struggling to meet ends meet and she longs to have full custody of her children. She works over 18 hours a week to make a meager $300 total.  Her out of work ex-husband keeps taking her to court for child support for they’re 3 children.  He takes her to court out of spite.

I am reminded of the natural disasters, thousands of lives gone and the terrible economy.

I am reminded of the world around me daily. These are just a few of the things I am reminded of that have actually occurred over the past few months personally or from a friend of a friend. People I keep in my prayers and these are just a few.

I would love to stay in my bubble of bliss. I would love to shut out the nasty world around me and my family. I would love to keep out the evil. I would love to have a solution. I want to be part of a greater good, through prayer and just being there for anyone I can. I want to make a difference, even if it is for just one person. Not to toot my own horn or for my glory, but to show I am a caring human being also especially for glory to God. Not for bells or whistles.

I thank God for my problems they remind me how good I do have it…

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

From the beginning...


I was a Sixteen year old high schooler, so full of ideas, ambition and I couldn't wait to tackle the world! I had seen him at a local store where he wored and were were even in gym class together. During the school semester change is when I approached him for a seat. I was a joker and I asked him if I could sit next to him. Then I asked him to bear my children, I was just being silly. Overtime we grew closer, but I wanted it to be more of a friendship. Any chance I had I tried to fix him up with other girls. I had felt in my heart early on we were not good for each other. He called me all the time, he was constantly asking if I was seeing someone else. Always upset if I had to go out with even my parents! There was a ding, ding going off in my head! I broke up with him numerous times and each time I felt like a heel for doing so because he would say he would harm himself.

He had loud outbursts at times when he got angry. He would get into arguements with his family on a continual basis. He told me no one understood him the way I did, he had no one to love him and count on. He threatened to kill me if I did leave him. The longer I stayed the longer it seemed I lost myself and immersed myself in a life that I did not want. There were good times, there were times when I could find myself letting in love to him. I felt sorry for him in so many ways. He hated it when I joked around with him, all along thinking I was making fun of him. He could dish it out but not take it. I lost many good friends as thought I was fooling around with them or they were taking too much time away from us. Later any visits from friends or calls made him jealous, or he would gripe people were intruding.

I grew quiet, reserved, feeling as though I couldn't do anything without him because that's what he told me and I believed. He had swiftly moved into my subconcious by feeding me lies about myself and others. He made me believe even my family was against me.

I had always wanted a family, to get married and to have a home to call my own. I entertained the possiblity that married life might change him. I was approached by family to leave him. There were many times I did call off the wedding, only to go back. He threated kill my then baby sisters if I didn't marry him or if I left him. He reminded me his parents had paid for a majority of the wedding and they would hate me and sue me for not following through with the wedding plans. All the way to the time I walked dow the aisle I wanted to run! Even during our reception we fought. I couldn't dance with any men that were younger then me, anyone single, or anyone he thought may have an agenda  to snare me away. I did not leave his side the whole time and the minute I went to the restroom and I came back I was questioned quietly. He said I made him look like an ass for leaving him alone.

After time it was implanted in my head that no one would love me as he did.  I wanted desparately to be loved! I believed him! I believed I was unlovable, that I was not worthy of love from another. All men would abuse me or they would rape me. I believe him.

Once we were in our own home we settled in a groove, we had to live with his parents for a few months after the wedding, this lead to some interesting times.He became more irratic in his behavior or at least it seemed so.  After our home was finished and we were alone is when I noticed him talking in the early morning. He would cuss and get upset to someone. At one point I was curious so I picked up the phone to see if perhaps he was talking to someone, there was no one on the other line. I was puzzled and worried. He was talking to himself! This would go on for years! When I questioned him about it he said he did not know what I was talking about.

We hadn't lived on our own for more then a month when we had our first fight. He tried to throw me out of the house and I begged him not to make me leave. I was on my knees begging!  He made me call my Mom to come and get me, he didn't want me anymore. My Mom told me that couple's go through problems and I needed to be strong. She was not going to pick me up. I was on my own. He was even more made because of this! He yanked me around by my hair, dragging me at one point. Screaming at me! Why did this happen? Over something small and so dumb that I don't remember why.  He calmed down after a few hours, I had to stay out of his way during the duration. He promised he would never do that again...

The waiting for him to calm down was always the longest period of time! I was on pins and needles waiting patiently and in another room quietly. Anytime I cried it made the situation worse. He would get even madder if I cried. There were times he would do the opposite and get even more upset if I didn't cry.  He thought he must not be intimadating enough, that I was being disobedient. My punishments were not enough and there were times I wished for death to come swiftly for me.I was scared and tired. I dread coming home from work and if I told anyone he promised I would pay.

Something made him mad almost daily! It didn't matter if it wasn't me, it could have been Joe Blow on the street that cut him off while he was driving. Not knowing if there was something I did wrong or something went wrong at work so he wold take it out on me later.

We had pets before we had kids. He wanted them to be his and he was upset if they would come or want to lay by me. I would push them away but they were seeking some sort of comfort themselves. I couldn't help these poor guys. I would find them alot of times hiding under or behind chairs and couches when he was around. One of the cats would hiss at him many times and this cat also would pee on his laundry regularly. Of course I got blamed for that. Looking back I knew then the animals knew he was not right.

I recall an incident when I did not get enough done in the house for he had taken a shower and ordered me to take my own. I was a crying mess due to the arguement that ensued. I tried to suck it down my tears  but I had a hard time catching my breath. While I was in the shower, he turned off the hot water valve that was in our bedroom. I had to shower quickly and I was not allowed to go to bed with him, I had to stay on the floor in the front room. I finished my shower and hid myself behind a chair because he started yelling for me. He was mad because he could not find me. Now it wasn't a big house! But the fact that I hid myself caused him to be so infuriated with me that when I was found he grabbed me by my hair and chocked me. He was so angry that spittle ran down his lips as he screamed at me.  He called me *itch and *unt. Yelling that I could not do anything right. He kicked me a few times and walked away to bed. I just layed there trying to catch my breath. He called me into the bedroom and I tried not to cry because I knew if I did he would get even more upset! He said come to bed sweetly while lifting up the blankets on my side of the bed. He asked me why I was so upset. It was as though nothing had happened. I started to cry again saying I ws so sorry and I hoped he forgave me for being bad...

Updates on STBX and GAL!

This past week has caused me some great distress. I found myself shrinking into myself and being very emotional. For one the man that stalked me, took pictures and noted my whereabouts for my STBX, made a statement for the police. I can not really comment anymore about the investigation on the murder for hire. But to think there maybe some sort of actions or ramifications for this makes me both uneasy and relieved. My nightmares have came up again lately.

Last week there was an incident in which my son was out looking for J on her way home from school. He was spotted at A's school at the playground. About a half hour later STBX and my son, M drove past the apartment building. The phone rang and J answered it. I could hear her say, "Yes" and hang up. She had a puzzled look on her face while she explained the conversation she had with her brother. He just asked if Terry was home and hung up. Not even a minute later Terry and I checked out the windows, lo and behold STBX and M cruised by quickly. Terry went outside and he saw M walking up the back. M asked Terry if J was home. Terry said, "No" and M walked quickly away, almost running back to the front of the apartment building, heading south while dialing or texting on his phone.

We didn't hear another word via email or phone call. But I did get a text from M asking why I was still staying with Terry. And why I wasn't forthcoming about him holding us hostage. Which is not the case at all! M, claims he had a conversation with me at the laundry mat about me and the girls being held against our will. That is crazy!

Anyway, I now get an email from the GAL and he wants to come for a visit on Thursday. I can't help but wonder what this is about.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Love, sex, music, TV and sleeping

Repost from 3/28/2009

I recall not giving him sex. Not on purpose of course. I am a highly open woman and young enough to still have a pretty good drive. In a normal relationship relations between couple's range from 2 times a week to maybe 4 to 6 times a month. This was not the case in my marriage, relations several times a day wee not uncommon. Pleasing him was a big part of sex. At some point it just became a thing to do. Just praying he would be satisfied enough to leave me alone. I could have had a fever, throwing up, or in severe pain, this would not matter. If I didn't have sex with him, he would accuse me of having an affair. Why else would I not be in the mood?

Punishments for being unwilling to perform would be to lay int he front room without any blankets, pillows and on the floor. Sometimes naked and he would turn the heat down. I would lay down there for hours curled up in a ball trying to get warm and sleep. Feeling thankful that he was leaving me alone. Eventually he would yell to me to come to bed, what was I doing? I needed to come to bed and why was I laying on the floor? Why was I being silly? As though the whole incident was made up or I imagined it. He at times would say he didn't recall what I was taking about. Or why did I make him angry enough to hurt me? If I just did what he told me I would have it easy and things would be ok.

Come to him... Come to him and make love. He would yell at me or talk harshly to me about my duties to my husband. I was just a *uck or *lut that needed to know her place. I hated myself. Alot of times I daydreamed and floated away to forget what was happening.

On occassions when I did let myself go and enjoy myself I would get in trouble for making too much noise, or I would get accused of faking, I would get accused of faking because I was not lubricated enough and I must be *ucking someone else. Who was I thinking of? Is what he would ask. Is he (meaning the other imagined person) good? Does he have a big *ick? It was all in his head.

This phantom person he made up that I was having an affair with. More then a few times he would just take me. He would take me , he would cover my mouth during protests and he would just take me. I could close my legs but he would force himself on me. He would take me in certain positions, choke me, pull my hair so hard my head would go back. I swore there would be patches of missing hair. Sometimes I would find a bit on the floor.  Crying would make him pull harder or choke me harder. It also seemed to get him more excited to hear me whimper and cry. He'd call me a *itch and a whore. I was his whore. I felt used and unworthy of any real love. I figured that was it, this is what I am supposed to be used for. I wante out, I wanted out a long time ago. I waned to be free to find my own piece of happiness. I longed for a soft touch, a soft caress, a gentle person to just hold me. Someone that would look at me and I would just melt. Someone that would hold my hand or me at night and stroke my hair.

I prayed he would find someone else. I tried to leave numerous times, though I physically did so 3 times. I desired to be set free. I never thought in reality of looking for anyone else. He told me all men were bad, none would love me the way he did. No man could ever treat me as good as he did. If I did leave I would only be good on my knees and that would be the only way I would get ahead in life.

Love? It is a funny little word. It lost it's meaning to me a long time ago while I was married to him. Love became a regular word like Hello and Good-bye. I stopped saying it long ago. Which only mad him infurtiated. Oh that make him very mad! He would call me 6 to 10 times in an hour, each time waiting for me or making me say I loved him. I didn't feel it and didn't want to say something I didn't mean or feel. I didn't want him to think I felt anything for him anymore.

If I got up from bed in the middle of the night due to mind wandering or aches and pains or whatever. I would be accused of waking him up and keeping him awake! Even if I was super quiet, no TV on or lights. He would still get angry at me.

I would have to scratch his back until "He" fell asleep. If I didn't I would get yelled at, he would bark at me or get physical. Scratching his back made me very sleepy. Heaven forbid! Once again I would get yelled at  or he would shake me awake. This would go on for HOURS until he fell asleep or he was satisfied that I had done a good job. I would also have the task of scratching his hole until he told me I could stop. This could be a few mins  or more.

It was not out of the ordinary to be pushed or shoved out of bed for not doing what I was told to do. I hated bedtime. Very rarely did he ask me why I was gettingout of bed. Very rarely did he ask if I discomfort or a problem.

I began to see him as he is. Warped, a bully, an Abuser, a psychotic, a Gaslighter, mentally unstable and capable of harming all of us. I was constantly accused of having affairs with men, women and both. Many I never knew, people he came to contact with daily. Or someone he would see taking a look or glance at me.

Music
I like listening to music! Pink is one of my favorites but I was not allowed to listen to her as he said she "angered up my blood" and made me disobedient.  Any song or artist that played music about strong women or having fun was banned.

Movies and TV
Any movies or TV shows that showed a woman dating multiple men or stepping out on her man was a whore. That is what he would tell me. He would get mad at me because of the show or movie he was watching! There were many that we never finished because it would get him so upset.

He was insecure, he was unreachable. There was a time I would try to keep it together always thinking of the kids  and not wanting to fail my marriage.

Holiday memories

Reposting many of my older blogs from Myspace- Holidays

3/28/2009

I keep wanting to stop and head to bed, but I have these thoughts in my mind, theses memories. Like a stain on your clothes that you can not get out. I don't mean to skip times around but I will do that as the memory strikes me, so bear with me.

I grew to hate the holidays. I had always imagined theat the holiday's would (should) be filled with cheer and anticipation of al the upcoming event with family and friends. It became such a chore! Everything needing to be just right. I never had help with the Christmas tree, though the outside decorating became his domain from time to time. Heaven forbid I did not do something to his liking and there were times I did do the lights and decorating outside, like usual there was fault in that. One would ask why did I do things to irritate him if I knew that it bothered him? Things like that changed like the wind. It was a rollercoaster ride daily, not knowing if it was going to be good or bad. Something that bothered him one day maybe ok a day, month or season later.

I had always pictured when I was married, for my mate and me to be a team, helping every step of the way and having fun while doing so. He usually sat on a chair and supervised. It had to be done quick and he would usually find something to complain about. I loved to bake but the cookies almost a always turned out wrong. I started to hate the holidays, I envied other families that seemed to have it together. Other families that had gingerbread houses decorated as a family. Families that baked cookies together, families that ate meals together without the diversion of the T.V. Or even tree trimming parties! Holiday's were always a chore that I dreaded. Now some of these things sound harmless enough but living it and just reading this is two different things.

The seconds leading up to when the family arrived would be a bear! No one saw or heard what was said, but my STBX's Mom  would notice things, she would normally be the first one to arrive. She could see that I was hurting, or getting done crying. I am a terrible liar and she would see right through me, watching my facial expressions or reading me like a book, which is not hard to do. She would ask me if he hurt me or the kids and all I would do was nod or look down. I would beg for her not to say anything to him. Get his plate?! If I didn't I would pay for it later. He would give me a nasty look that would freeze ice and I knew I was in trouble later after everyone left.

I would joke with the family and most of the time he thought any jokes were at his expense even if it was a totally different reason for any joking. Anone that seemed like they were making fun of him would cause him grief, he would grill me why I never stuck up for him with whatever the drama was. Even if I hadn't heard the conversation there was always some payback tor words he would say to me. He always asked me to step in and mediate against whatever person ticked him off. Why did I never stick up for him is what he would ask.
I could not bring myself to stand up for things I did not believe was right. This stirs up a whole new topic!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Friends and family who can you trust?

Now if you have left your partner you maybe scratching your head wondering who can you trust. I can't tell you for sure as every situation is different, but taking a look around your circle can tell you alot!

Recently I had some light shed on some feelings I had been getting from both friends and family on my STBX's side. Boy, oh boy did I hit the mark! Sadly, when a split happens it may seem like those that are on your partners side has your back. Think again! Now this isn't everyone or every situation. Just be careful, well meaning and good intentions aside can open up a big can of worms.

What you allow others to do or say or even at what point you stand up and say ENOUGH! Whether you hate hurt feelings or not you must be a friend to yourself! Trust your intution! Be careful! Sometimes your partners friends and family may come off as yours but in many cases they do double duty. Word to the wise!

During the separation if can be hard to figure out who has your back and who doesn't. There will be hurt feelings, especially if you thought you had a cool relationship with family and friends that were his/hers...

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Guess who has my cell phone number!

Today was J's birthday/ Grandpa A was coming home from the hospital. There was a small celebration for both, A was sick so I kept her home so she would not get Grandpa sick. I was lucky to have my sister in law pick J up. Terry isn't feeling well either, I am keeping my fingers crossed I stay healthy!

Anyway, I was not informed that this was also going to be a visitation with STBX (soon to be ex), without any thought I called the in-laws to find out when was a good time to pick up J. Long story short, STBX was there and he was crafty enough to find my cell number on the caller id and he has texted me and so has my son.

Supposedly I had a meeting with my son at the local laundry mat at which time I discussed with him that I was being held against my will (Terry). HA! R is proclaiming his undying love and he FORGIVES ME!

SERIOUSLY! Shaking my head!

It has been 2 YEARS and the man is still obessed and nuts. I have blocked his number. I can not believe this! No I take that back I do believe it

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Finding your voice!

You finally take the leap of faith and leave. You are now on your own trying to find your way, by now you may have gone through dozens of tissue, whether or not you loved your abuser or lost that love long ago. Crying and maybe even screaming may just be because you are finally free! You may be scared of what the future holds, perhaps you left with just the clothes on your back or you are jobless or the future seems bleak to you.

That old relationship seems like an ending, which it is! You are beginning the first day of the rest of your life! As crazy as it sounds no matter what age you are this is a do-over. A new start! A fresh start! It is not all sweetness and rainbows, any relationship that ends no matter what the reason is sad. It's ok to cry, it's ok to doubt, it's ok to feel like you want to go back, and that maybe it will work.

Whether you are leaving for the 1st time or the 11th time do not go back! Don't look back! Look forward! Keep your chin up, things will get better with time. Sorry to sound like a cliche but time does heal and it does get better. It takes tiny steps to start to love yourself again and to find you inside the scars but you can do it!

You will find your voice again and when you do it is the most amazing incident that happens to you! To feel empowered again is marvelous! To know that you do NOT have to ever go through any abusive ordeals again is the most wonderful thing! It will happen!

Reinvest in you by going back to school, taking up a hobby, read again, start taking better care of yourself, spend more time with your children (They have to heal too!), and reinvent yourself! It maybe that you have to lose the friends you used to have or not hang out with the same group of people, mainly because in most cases history can repeat itself, the chances of you ending up in another bad relationship is very high!  Especially after you leave your Abuser!

Be strong! You can do begin again! Finding your voice is the most important and rewarding things you can do for yourself! I'm proud of you!