OK, so you left him or put his things at the door. Now what?
He has begged you, pleaded and says the things you always wanted him to say.
Do you take him back?
I got to tell you that is one of the hardest choices I ever made! Why? The kids missed him. I didn't want to get divorced due to religious views I had personally. I didn't know how I was going to make it without him financially and I felt sorry for him.
I didn't listen to the little voice in my head. My heart took over. I listened to his Mom plead for me to take him back. He promised her he would change. She said I needed to take him back to find out how much he loved me. He said he loved me profusely in the pysch ward. Wouldn't I give him another chance? He's changed, she said! He won't ever lay a hand on you again, if you just let him have another chance...
I gave in.
I was hesitant and felt so torn.
I relented and gave in.
That first month, give or take a week, was marvelous! The kids noticed the difference and were happier then they had been in a long time. We talked about feelings and how we felt. I felt empowered to do so due to what I had learned at the women's shelter. I started to believe the women there didn't know what they were talking about. He changed! It was fantastic! They must be man haters. I believed him and discounted what the Psychiatrist had told me. Intermitten Explosive Disorder, Psychotic, Anxieties, Depressed and extremely obessed with me. She told me to stay away or to get away from him. He was fixated with me. She said off the record it was not health with the type of interest he had in me. It was like nothing she ever saw before and she feared for my safety.
I discounted all of that and took him back.
The honeymoon didn't last long. We had the other woman show up and that was the end of happiness and bliss...
So can a relationship that was torn apart be DV or any type of violence be fixed? I've met women that have returned to they're abuser over 20 times or have gotten into other relationships that have ended with her in the hospital. Or for the verbal abuse to continue after the sparkle has worn off again.
I've read a few places that say they have had good results from therapy, which DOES NOT happen overnight! Saying a few nice words, going to a few therapy sessions, or wining and dining her does NOT make it all better. Studies show that the counseling takes either medication or years of counseling as well as anger management of some sort. Reprogramming the abuser to get it through his thick skull that the behavior is NOT acceptable!
When I left each time, he would tell me flowery words, send me flowers, promise me the world. When I dug my heels in and said NO MORE! I got:
You Whore! You were probably sleeping around with Tom, Dick, and Harry!
You lesbian! And he proceeded to tell any poor person in his way about that!
You were a terrible wife and Mother!
I'll kill you!
Funny thing is none of those hurt, I heard those words while we were together. And it did strike me as hilarious at some point.
Oh, and then as though a switch went on he will then say he is sorry and tell you he will give you the world.
Fact is he will most likely never change. And the next woman won't even know what she is in for. I can't help but feel sorry for the next woman. He has been through several already. Not sure if they wised up or what. I pray for change in him, just because our son needs to know that what his Dad is doing is not right. That it is not alright to abuse a woman or take advantage of her.
So ask me again if you can repair the relationship. I think you know what my answer will be...
A little about me
- Brook, IN, United States
- Abuse doesn't stop at the court room. Melinda has shared her battles in her life and through the court room as she navigates through the legal system Bringing encouragement, insight and empowerment to those that are in a abusive relationship. She is in the process of creating a new life, speaking engagements to "Break the Silence" of abuse, while putting a face to abuse. She is currently working on writing a book about her experiences as a Survivor.View short Bio here- https://www.patheos.com/blogs/ahappymedium/2013/02/notbrokenbutbrave/