A little about me

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Brook, IN, United States
Abuse doesn't stop at the court room. Melinda has shared her battles in her life and through the court room as she navigates through the legal system Bringing encouragement, insight and empowerment to those that are in a abusive relationship. She is in the process of creating a new life, speaking engagements to "Break the Silence" of abuse, while putting a face to abuse. She is currently working on writing a book about her experiences as a Survivor.View short Bio here- https://www.patheos.com/blogs/ahappymedium/2013/02/notbrokenbutbrave/

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Nice Girl Syndrome Chapter 1

Ok, so I'm reading this and really digging it. On one hand I want to stop reading because it hits so close to home with the various examples from others she uses. The other part of me wants to keep going since I KNOW I'm a PUSHOVER!

There is a simple test, of course if you answered so many of them with a "Yes" you need some help! I will post tomorrow. Sorry I'm pooped but wanted just to write a little about it. It actually reads really fast, I'm in Chapter 2 already but due to little man my time is limited. I swear I have a stack of books that I am choosing to read. Both for educating myself on the topics of birth (Doula), fun and self help.

And I did side track myself by letting off some steam and playing with Shrinky Dinks this evening. Oh and Hot in Cleveland was on. Nice diversions! (Visit www.lordblessmeplz.blogspot.com for a less serious look at my life)

Until tomorrow...

Monday, August 29, 2011

The Nice Girl Syndrome- Intro

The copyright from this book is 2008, so the statistics are not accurate, yet they are astounding.

  • The American Medical Association estimates that over 4 million women are victims of severe assaults by boyfriends and husbands each year.
  • Around the world, at least 1 in every 3 women has been beaten, coerced into sex, or otherwise abused in her lifetime.
  • Nearly 1/3 of American women (31%) report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives.
  • Approximately 1 in 5 female high shcool students report being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner.
  • Three in 4 women (76%) who reported that they have been raped and/or physically assaulted since age 18 said that a current or former husband, cohabitating partner or date commited the assault.
  • Nearly 1/5 (18%) reported experiencing a completed or attempted rape at some time in their lives.
  • Annually in the U.S., 503,485 women are stalked by an initimate partner. 78% of stalking victims are women.
Of course the major question that comes to everyone's mind is: "Why is she putting up with it?" "Why does she stay?"

Beverly mentions that she does not blame the nice girl but she does say there must be a reason why she stays or put's up with the behavior.
Personally, I was worried about the threats he made towards our children, my family and myself. He made many sadistic and horrible threats of violence. Each victim has her/his reason for why.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

The Nice Girl Syndrome

I was at Borders, my favorite book store and yes I am sad to see they are closing! I was checking out the bare bones bookshelf and found "The Nice Girl Syndrome" by Beverly Engel, 10 steps to empowering yourself and ending abuse. Stop being Manipulated and Abused- and start Standing up for Yourself.

WOW! That's me! The back says:

Are you too nice for your own good? Do family members manipulate you? Do co-workers take advantage of you? If this sounds familiar read, The Nice Girl Syndrome.

It talks about those women that become targets or that are more likely to become victimized emotionally, physically and sexually. It shows you tips and how-to's on empowering yourself to break free of these patterns!

Oh! This is for me! I have of course a bookshelf filled with self helps on this that or the other, but for some reason this one screamed out at me. Ok maybe it was the cool picture on the cover, the shoes are adorable!

I know I'm a nice girl. I have been told repeatedly that I'm "too nice". I let people walk all over me and this is not a new thing. I back down from confrontations, I hate to start arguements or to get involved in a fight and am usually the first to walk away.

So over the next few weeks I am giving myself homework from my bookshelf! I'll start out with this book and take you through the next couple of months learning with me about how to break free of the bondage of abuse or to just raise your self esteem. Heaven knows I need all I can get!

So are you ready? Let's go!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Email to Inspiring Stories Mary Kay

I am a Mom of 4 great kids. I am 40 years old, married to my husband for over 21 years.

I am a Survivor of Domestic Abuse

I met Robert when I was a high school Sophomore. At 16, the world was my oyster and I of course knew it all. At the young age I was both blinded and scared of the attention Robert was giving to me. We dated on and off, each time I would break up with him, there he would be either waiting outside my bedroom window, following me everywhere and eventually threatening to kill my sisters and parents if I didn't make up with him. I was frightened of him and believed he would follow through with his threats.


 We married, I even went back and forth with this. I cried the day I was to get married. This was supposed to be the happiest day of my life and I was filled with dread. Family and friends urged me to stop, but for fear of him harming everyone dear to me, I followed through. The day was horrible! I wanted to throw up. Afterwards he belittled me, I cried silently in the bathroom while friends and family celebrated.


Years later, it didn't get any better. He grew more and more abusive as time went on. Hitting, punching, raping, choking me, pulling my hair, holding knives to my throat and calling me so many vile things. After time I grew to believe everything he told me. I was worthless. Stupid. Fat. A cunt. Dumb spic. Only to be used and good on my knees. He told me no one would ever want me.  I should just go and stand in front of a bus to rid the world of my shit.


I did entertain thought of suicide, thinking that there had to be a better life or maybe he was right!
I had my place from time to time, naked on the floor at bedtime, if I disobeyed him by saying no to sex or if he just felt like I needed to be punished.  I was pushed out of his car more times then I could count. Locked outdoors in nothing but my pajamas in the winter. Oh and there is many other things this man put me and later the kids through.


We had children and though they are my blessings I felt as though I cursed them to a life of sadness and cruelty. I hoped when we had children he would change.


He didn't.


Money was a big problem, or lack there of. We fought over this tirelessly.
Sex was another problem. He was a sex addict. He cheated on me several times. We ended up swinging. I won't go into the details, but it made me feel so dirty, I would excuse myself to leave the room so he could do his thing. I would hide out in the kitchen or make up some excuse not to perform. Afterwards the encounters I was to have sex with him. He would force me to give him oral sex, even though he did not wipe himself clean after he had some woman or man. I was horrified and disgusted. I would cry in the shower, scrubbing my skin raw, I had to make sure I didn't make too much noise while I was crying, as not to draw attention to myself. I ended up with the parting gift of HSV2 from him bringing another woman into our home as his "Second wife" in title only, he wanted a Polyamory relationship. (that was in 2007)


8:00 was bedtime. Here I was over the age of 25 years old and I HAD to go to bed at 8:00. I would pay for being disobedient if I did not follow this instruction or the dozens of others he had for me. The kids could stay up until 10:00. They learned not to bother us (him) while we were in bed. They would have to have a good reason otherwise they would be in trouble.


He's abuse was not limited to me, after I left him the first time, I told him never to hit me again. He lied of course, but while I was not around he would hit the kids, pull they're hair, call them names, threaten to kill me and tell them "If Mom leaves me, it's your fault!" Something a 13 year old, 10 year old and 9 year old do not understand or need to hear. They carried alot on they're shoulders that I never knew about until after we left him. Even now it's slowly coming out. Today my now 13 year old daughter had a Anxiety attack. She is concerned that Dad will get unsupervised custody of her and her sister. (Her brother went back to Dad, he started a fire in my apartment closet and told me he would kill me while I slept if I did not take him back to his Dad).


Even after leaving him two times in 2007 the abuse did not stop. I slept with a knife under my pillow, while he slept he would kick me, push me, bite me and choke me. He claimed he never remembered doing something like that. He said if I wanted to leave him fine! I would never leave again with anything. I leave with just me. I don't get the kids and not to be surprised if I heard the kids were in an "accident" by CO2. Or he would ask me which child I wanted dead? He would kill one of them in they're sleep. Pick one, he would tell me. I stayed. I cried and I stayed.


He spanked me in front of the kids. He eventually thought it was funny to have the kids spank me. They would protest, cry and say "Stop hurting Mom". He would swing and swing, thinking it was funny. Afterwards to make up he would treat the kids to food out at McDonald's or candy. For me? He would demand sex, telling me he wouldn't do it again, only for the honeymoon period to be over after a day or week and if we were lucky a month!


My oldest daughter bravely would bring me ice for any bumps or wipe my tears or help with any bloody lips. We would panic if we heard him come back in the room or house. I'm sorry I'm jumping around there is so much to tell!


I left him 3 times and on that 3rd time I stayed gone. That was Feb 25, 2009. Though I am still trying to get divorced I still consider that my Independence Day. Each time we left he threatened to kill himself. He was admitted into the hospital psych ward 4 times. Each failed.


He hired someone to stalk me and eventually to kill me in the spring of 2009. For $5,000, this person was to murder me, take pictures of my body, bury me and to bring Robert the pictures after. Luckily, the people he asked told other family members. They gave statements to the police department. He has not been persecuted. Not enough evidence. I'm still stunned and upset by this. I have been assaulted every time he saw me in the year of 2009. I had a Order of Protection after the last attack. Of which he has violated more times then I can count. But he doesn't get more then a slap on the wrist.


My children have suffered with me. I regret not leaving him sooner. I don't regret my children but I feel very responsible for what they went through.
Like many here I  have at the time I was with him I had lost my family, my friends, my dignity and almost lost my life.


Robert still stalks me and harasses me and my new guy, Terry. Terry and I have have a 11 month old together, of which Robert and my son have stated in emails and voice messages they would harm or kill when given the chance. All of these things have fallen on deaf ears.


We have supervised visitation that was agreed to happen at Robert's Mom's house. During the calendar appointment to set up these arrangements in November 2007, Robert didn't like how things were going and he left for about 5 minutes or so. Now the funny thing is during the time he left (my partner Terry was on the other side of the courthouse and my son on another.)Terry was attacked physically by my son not even 10 minutes later after Robert left. The event was seen by the Police officers in the courthouse building. My son stated he was going to kill Terry but decided to beat him up instead. Terry did not file charges. The officers told him not to worry it was out of his hands and my son would be persecuted. My son was detained and handcuffed, not charged. Due to a mix up with the police report, Terry later found out that in the police report my son was labeled as the victim and Terry the assailant. I believe Robert planned the incident, but that is only my opinion.


During the girls last visitation on August 14th, my 13 year old daughter got into an argument with Robert. She ended up outside with her sister and brother. Robert was yelling at his Mother and his Father. This scared my 13 year old so she called the police. I was on my way to pick up the girls and found out about this from Robert's Mom, who was very upset and yelling on the phone for me to pick up the girls! I said what's going on?! She said it's Rob, they're fighting, come get the girls! I told her to call the police and she said she couldn't, pick up the girls now! And she hung up on me! I called the police and was informed my daughter was on the other line. I hung up and proceeded to get to the house.


Once I arrived, I found the girls outside, each one was upset, quiet and crying a bit. My sister in law was outside as well talking to the girls quietly. The baby had fallen asleep, I saw 5 squad cars in front of the house. I yelled for the girls but my sister in law came over to me instead of me going over. I didn't want to leave the baby alone while Robert was around. The police were detaining him inside.


My sister in law brought me up to speed. She also stated that while the girls were outside, Robert was shouting about me getting custody and saying he would do everything in his power to prevent that! Even if it meant slitting the kids throats! I was horrified! I told her to tell the police! A police man called her away and told me to take the girls home but before I left he would talk to me. He shared with me details, Robert claims our 13 year old said some "Choice words",he was just verbally disciplining her and Grandma agreed with Robert's statement. I did ask him about the threat to the girls, my sister in law and Mother in law did not tell him about that! He saw how upset I was about that, we talked a bit more and he gave me some advice. We left.


The next day I went to the police department and did receive a copy of the report, at which time I did see my sister in law and mother in law stated they heard Robert's threats. He was not charged. I did file Order of Protections for both girls! When Robert found out he was not happy. He was informed not to call, text or email me! The next day, He proceeded to call me, and I believe he made up a fake seizure for our son so he could talk to me. I did call the police again, Robert just happened to call me 2 times while the officer was there. The officer answered the second call, after trying to talk calmly to Robert, the call was getting heated on the other end! Robert was yelling at the officer! The officer told Robert he would be over to check on our son and he better answer the door! I found out later an ambulance was called, our son was OK! Robert was once again told not to call, text or email me. The officer felt that it was a medical emergency and Robert went overboard. So it does not seem that he will file charges against him.
 Oh I could go on and on with more incidents of stalking, threats, statements from friends and family about run in's with Robert. I am living in fear that my husband will harm the kids or kill Terry and our new son or me.


After over 2 1/2 years he still wants me to come back. He still signs his letters, your loving husband, Rob. And he believes everything. I don't know who else to turn to! I have tried the Prosecutor, police and State's attorney. No help, I am Pro-Se and can not afford an attorney.


Our case is well known due to Robert threatening Attorney's, the GAL on our case and even a court appointed counselor. I just want to get our story out in case something happens to me.  The last time he saw the girls unsupervised he slapped our 13 year old for not wearing a bra. He bullied and screamed at them. He told our 13 year old she was the reason we were divorcing. That it was her fault! This drove her to thoughts of suicide. She has learned that she is not to blame! This has taken time.


The girls are slowly coming out of their shells! They are not as shy or sad as they once were. They have more friends,  A and B Honor roll, and are working on rebuilding their childhood. They are still haunted by bad dreams. Due to legal rights I can not just pick up and move without notifying him where are moving. He can also protest the move. I feel stuck.


The girls are scared and do not want to see Robert, but since he is paying child support and they're biological father he has rights to see them. Our divorce case has been tied up with pre-trial after pre-trial. No finalization decree. That would help me so much with some closure! Our next court date is in Oct of this year. Again this is just  a little bit of the things that went on, there is so many more things.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Mary Kay Inspiring Stories!

Mary Kay has been involved with bringing DV out of the shadows! I couldn't sleep, bad dreams, so I started watching TV's E and saw a story about this! There is a email link so you can tell your own story!

I know what you are thinking! Of course I did! I shared my story! The more I can get out my story the better it is for my healing and so I can reach out to others so they they know they are not alone! Please think about sharing your own!

http://marykayinspiringstories.com/

Stay safe and God bless!

Saturday, August 20, 2011

So he was normal when you met him?!

 OK, the question of the past year and months is, "Was he like this before you married him?" or "If he was like this why did you marry him?"

It starts subtly. Yes, I was young. I just turned 16 years old. Remember that age? You know it all? You have the world at your feet and feel invincible?

You brush off the warning signs, the bells that go off in your head. You chalk every one's comments to not understanding how you feel about him/her.

My family and friends saw it and I did too in small ways, but I just blew it off. Then when I really started to worry it was too late. At least that's how I saw it.

I believed him.

If you have stayed with me and read many of my posts, I apologize for sounding like a broken record.
He threatened to take the life of my sisters and parents. After a time he threatened to commit suicide. I stayed. Oh, he would be better! It was like a winding road, from one mile to the next mile, each turn twisting and then straightening out. Going around the bend and then starting all over again. Our weeks and months were like that. Soon it just becomes normal.

I stopped questioning the relationship between us. Kids came into the picture. I longed for the type of relationship I had seen in some new found friendships I had forged through my MOMS Club that I started when my second daughter was bit old.

I envied those. In my head I saw them all happy, normal and together lovingly.

I found out later many have they're own secrets and issues. No relationship is perfect. Everyone has some skeleton in the closet they hide from others. From binging on food, to sexual issues to addictions or abuse. No one is perfect or immune to difficulties.

I stayed because I really wanted it to work. Many in my family had broken marriages or relationships so I wanted to be the one that really stayed through thick and thin.

I couldn't do it. I felt as though I was losing my mind. I had built up both a fake facade for the public and for home. Only to drop my shield when I was alone with the kids or by myself. I cried and cried. I longed for stability. I cried to God because I questioned if this was how the rest of my life was to be?

Married to a sex addict,closet bisexual, abusive, food addict, shop-a-holic, labeled by a doctor with Borderline personality disorder, Intermittent Explosive disorder, Psychotic, depressed, anxieties, Anti-social disorder, Narcissistic and control freak? Yes that was him.

I wanted normal in and out of the bedroom. I wanted normal in and out of the house. I wanted normal for the kids. I wanted them to be kids and not have to hide or run when Dad came home. I wanted to be loved for me and not made into some trophy wife.

There came a time where I was driven to thoughts of suicide myself. At the urging of my STBX of course. I thought I was going insane. I thought I was the reason for the breakdown of us. I thought if I would be a "Good girl" and not "Cause him to get angry" it would be OK. I would try my darnedest to watch everything I said and did. Walking not beside him but behind him. A submissive wife. Yielding to his every whim and desire. Taking away my dignity and self respect in the process, until I felt as though I was just a shell.

Those close to me could tell immediately the change when he was around me. I went to smiling to bleak and mousy. Looking down all the time. Someone said it looked as though I was in a panic for no reason at all.

Of course there is no real normal, but a happy place where things can be very satisfying and brings joy, not fear. Love and not hatred. Happy and not longing for another life.


Notice of Victims Rights

http://www.violenceresource.org/victimrights1.htm

Notice of Victim Rights

NOTICE OF VICTIM RIGHTS

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Effective 7-1-02, IC 35-33-1-1.5 requires a law enforcement officer responding to the scene of a crime involving domestic or family violence to give the victim immediate and written notice of the following rights provided by law under IC 35-40

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1. A victim has the right to be treated with fairness, dignity, and respect throughout the criminal justice process.
2. A victim has the right to be informed, upon request, when a person who is accused of committing or convicted of committing a crime perpetrated directly against the victim, is released from custody or has escaped. This includes release or escape from mental health facilities.
3. A victim has the right to have the victim's safety considered in determining release from custody of a person accused of committing a crime against the victim.
4. A victim has the right to information, upon request, about the disposition of the criminal case involving the victim or the conviction, sentence, and release of a person accused of committing a crime against the victim.
5. A victim has the right to be heard at any proceeding involving sentence or a post-conviction release decision. A victim's right to be heard may be exercised, at the victim's discretion, through an oral or written statement, or submission of a statement through audiotape or videotape.
6. A victim has the right to make a written or oral statement for use in preparation of the presentence report. The victim also has the right to read presentence reports relating to the crime committed against the victim in order that the victim can respond to the presentence report.
7. A victim has the right to confer with a representative of the prosecuting attorney's office after a crime allegedly committed against the victim has been charged; before the trial of a crime allegedly committed against the victim; and before any disposition of a criminal case involving the victim. This right applies in the following situations:

" The alleged felony was directly committed against the victim. "
The alleged felony or misdemeanor was an offense against the person, which includes the crimes of Battery, Domestic Battery, Aggravated Battery, Battery by Body Waste, Criminal Recklessness, Intimidation, Harassment, Invasion of Privacy, or Pointing a Firearm, and the alleged felony or misdemeanor was committed against the victim by a person who:
a. is or was a spouse of the victim;
b. is or was living as if a spouse of the victim;
c. or has a child in common with the victim. "
For other misdemeanors, a victim must file a request for notice, which includes a current telephone number and address.
8. A victim has the right to pursue an order of restitution and other civil remedies against the person convicted of a crime against the victim.
9. A victim has the right to be informed of the victim's constitutional and statutory rights.

Information compiled by the Indiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1915 W. 18th Street, Indianapolis, IN 46202 (317) 917-3685


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Please email questions regarding use of this copyrighted material.
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Indiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence
1915 W. 18th Street Indianapolis, IN 46202
Phone (317) 917-3685 or (800) 538-3393
Fax (317) 917-3695
Crisis Line 1-800-332-7385
  
 

One safety tip!

If you feel you are being followed please go to the nearest hospital emergency room and begin honking horn, also keep cell phone with you at all times call 911 and stay on Phone, draw attention to yourself as much as possible it use to be go to nearest police station or forestation but alot don't have 24/hr staff anymore , best bet is hospital!

I made a baby with the devil- A Black Mom's story of Parenting and DV

I Made A Baby With the Devil: A Black Mom’s Story of Parenting and Domestic Abuse

by Denene@MyBrownBaby on August 16, 2011
Post image for I Made A Baby With the Devil: A Black Mom’s Story of Parenting and Domestic Abuse

By MICHELLE BOND

Many years ago, I met a man who seemed normal, but was actually the devil. Well, not literally the devil. He was more like the guy the devil would turn to when he needed to be amused or inspired. This escaped me when we met and I fell in love with him. I thought, “Yes! This is who I wish to create a child with.”


I should have seen the red flags—there were plenty. I can see them clearly now, but the thing about red flags is that they wave quietly, like a soft whisper. Red flags should come with loud horns or a Justin Bieber CD—you know, something that makes the soul shudder and ache. But no, they just wave back and forth like a gentle tropical breeze, caressing the illusion of happy and cloaking poor judgment.


When I was pregnant, my son’s DNA provider promised me that he would stop being verbally and physically abusive. I should have known he was lying when he also promised me world peace and a moon-walking Unicorn. Domestic abusers don’t stop the violence because their women are pregnant—in all-too-many cases, they increase it. But I believed every word he said. It was easier to believe and accept this fantasy instead of facing the life I had created for myself.


I clung to denial as if it were my security blanket and avoided reality during my entire pregnancy. He was the local Karaoke King, and charmed both men and women each night. They figured since he had a sweet and sensational voice that meant he had a soul. In public we looked like any other couple. It was easy; we both had our scripts and knew our lines well. His role was to play the devoted soon-to-be father, doting over me and my every need, collecting kudos and pats on the back from his karaoke fans. My role was to smile and nod and pretend that the person on the stage was the same person I was going home with. There was no need to explain any scratches or bruises as they were well hidden. He knew how to land his fists and I knew how to dress accordingly.


The day my son was born I said that I wanted to stay with my mom for a few days, as I knew nothing at all about taking care of a newborn infant. This was enough to create an explosion in the hospital. Yelling at me through grinding teeth, he repeatedly hit my arm where the IV went in. Needless to say, when my son and I left the hospital, we went to our apartment and not my parent’s home.
I spent the first night with my new baby alone, with no one to help me and with no food in the house. The proud father spent the night out collecting “congratulations” from his Karaoke fans.


I fear that my inability to forgive him is because I do not forgive myself. While I love my son with the totality of my heart, I know deep down that this man should not have been my son’s father. I feel such shame for inviting this monster into my life.


My son should be here. His life has purpose. But I regret allowing this man the platform to say the word “father.” Every time he does, the word should slide down his throat like a razor.
My boyfriend who has been my best friend for close to 17 years was listening to me vent one day. Instead of joining me in my hate-fest, he told me that I need to forgive this bama. He told me “the hate that you have for this person is not hurting or affecting him, as he has moved on with his life. And the more hate you have only binds your own love. It holds you back from being who you are trying to be.”


Love.


Love always seems to be the answer. I know that had this man at any point been there for my son, I would’ve had the strength to stop poking needles in my DNA-Voodoo Doll. I remember telling him, “Don’t worry about the child support. Do what you can. Just be there for the baby.” He chose to provide neither child support nor presence for my son. He chose to not be a man. Love, huh?


As I write this, I am reminded of this quote: “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.” – The Buddha


I am hopeful that one day I’ll write a follow up article to share the wonders and power of love. But for today, I will embrace the hot coal and endure the pain.

Michelle

Michelle Bond is a writer. A mother. A Flower Child. All of these things… not necessarily in that order. She’s written for Today’s Black Woman and regional publications. Visit her at CoffeeBreakDMV.

Friday, August 19, 2011

It's never dull around here!


Yesterday morning was every bit as suspenseful as Monday. STBX called my cell and the house, demanding I pick up the *ucking phone! He did not give a *hit about any protective order! This was concerning our son! He thought his meds may need to be increased as M was having more seizures. He further demanded I call right then and there. He left a similar message on my cell voicemail.

What's a Girl with a crazy STBX to do?

I called the police! The same officer that had came the day before showed up, shaking his head and asking what happened with R. I told him the situation and told him I was worried that if M actually had some seizure why didn't R call an ambulance? I said, that I believe that he was making it up just to get me to call or come by so he could harm me, or yell or threaten me.

The officer said that it was alright to call and not even 10 seconds after that my cell rang again. He said, I'll answer that! He said, "Hello? R? R?" There was a long pause. I could hear R say something but I could not tell what. "R, this is Officer G. Did we not speak yesterday? I told you not to call her."

"Now what seems to be the problem? Did your son have a seizure? Do you need an ambulance?", he asked.

I couldn't make out the response, dang it!

"You got him to bed? So, do you need an ambulance? Mr. A., this is about your son. Is he ok?"

R started yelling into the phone, though I could not make out whole sentences, he yelled my name quite a bit! He went on ranting and raving at the officer!

"R! This is not about you and your wife! You called to ask her a medical question for your son? What was the question?"

Again, I couldn't make out his response but he was very heated at the officer. The officer asked and told him several more things but R kept yelling, soon after the officer calmly told him that he did not like his attitude and it would be recorded. "As a matter of fact, R, I will be over to check on your son and you better come to the door!" With that statement he handed me back my phone, letting me know he would return after visiting R and seeing about your son.

About an half hour later I heard a siren that sounded close. I grew both relieved and worried that my son would do something stupid on his Dad's behalf.

Another 45 mins passed and finally the officer came back.

I had been already crying because I was feeling so overwhelmed by old scars and emotions. I kept thinking that maybe he was arrested! Maybe M was really bad off! All those thoughts and memories of R hurting us came back in a flash. I was so nervous that I ended up cleaning all the windows in the apartment.

The officer told me that he spoke to my son and he seemed like he had just came out of a seizure, so he called the ambulance to check him out. He was fine. His heart rate was slightly elevated and he seemed a little tired. Not unlike someone that has had a seizure or someone that is fearful that his Dad will kick his butt if he doesn't go along with it! At least I was thinking the latter...

So! The officer explained that he was torn whether to file charges or not. On one hand, he thinks it might have been a real medical emergency. On the other hand, R, got really out of control. He said he really let him have it!

I did tell the officer that I was worried that R may retaliate! I felt so overwrought with emotions and I couldn't help but cry. He reassured me if I needed anything at all to call the police. Even if something didn't feel right. We chatted more about safety and he left.

I was crushed! Happy to hear my son was well but disheartened to hear that R was still running about. Oh, sure maybe he is stacking the deck against himself due to this insanity. But he is free. He is driving by!

My sister came by to ease my worries. That helped alot! We ended up bumming and doing errands for a bit and then on the way home we saw him and my son! Now if my son had truly had a seizure, in the past, he would sleep the rest of the day away. So seriously, he is next to his Dad in his Dad's WORK TRUCK, looking just fine. We all saw and looked at one another! My STBX looked straight at me with an angry face. He drove off and turned the corner heading towards his house maybe or perhaps to drive around to look for us. I wasn't sure which, but I was a bundle of nerves for the rest of the night.

We later walked to a fair that's going on down the street, but I couldn't help shake my uneasy feeling. I'm glad my sister was here as a distraction. My favorite guy is working and couldn't be at my side. I knew he would in a heartbeat!

The rest of the night and day were tense for me. I had gotten some air for a few much later and silently prayed. I have been resolved to leave everything in God's hands. I keep so much inside or on my shoulders. It's exhausting me! I'm not much good to my loved one's all worried and upset all the time.

Until next time, say a prayer for us!

**I'm not smiling because of the post, as I stated in my blog, I am going to leave my picture, not willing anything to happen. But to attach a REAL person with these postings! These are also STBX vehicles that were taken for me. By a good friend.**

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Please don't make me do that...

I have been candid about everything in my life. Besides Terry and a few small things I've only told him, I have beared my experiences that I never thought I would share with anyone.

I was embarassed, ashamed and felt used.

I mentioned before when I went to St. Jude's House in the Cinco de Mayo of 2007, they did a craft for us women to create a t-shirt that empowered, told our story or had some sort of significance on them. They provided us with paints, t-shirts, glitter and other embellishments. So there were about 12 of us huddled around our long tables.

We were chattering a little here and there, asking where is this color or that? Can I use the glitter paint? Or do you have an extra brush.

Soon there was a hush over the group of us. No more chuckles. No more chattering.

If you listened closely you heard sniffles and soft sobs.

I heard someone really crying and realized it was me, boy was I loud! Ever have one of those moments? I seemed to have stepped out of myself. Not uncommon for me to do. I would step out of my skin when something bad was happening with my STBX. Someone handed me a wad of kleenex and I'm unsure who did as my eyes were filled with tears and things were a blur.

I looked down at my creation.

There was no fun colors.

I had chosen red and black. I was surprised. I almost felt as though someone else created the words on the shirt. They were dark, scary and hurtful.

Words like:
Bitch
Cunt
Dumb ass
Raped
Spit on
Kicked
Slapped
Spic
Bruised
Punched

Did I do that? I was rocked back on my heels. The words seemed so evil and vile.

After we were all done, the supplies were put away. No one was talking. There was tissues balled up over the tables. Hugging going on as we could get up and look at everyone's creation. Then the young lady leading us asked for each of us to go around and tell the group about the shirt.

We went around and around. Each story so heartbreaking. Each woman had a story that is some ways mirrored my own. These survivors were White, Black, Hispanic, 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's and 60's. Abuse has no age or race barriers...

By the time it was my turn, I hesitantly spoke up. I told them I don't know how I wrote some of the words I did. They all just spilled out. I also realized during this exercise that I was not just some crazy lady. I was raped many times by my STBX. I was pushed to the brink of insanity by his tauntings at times. I was abused for many years.

And I survived.

Well that shirt served to remind me what I went through. Of course I took STBX back. I allowed him to come back. It was great at first, aren't all honeymoon's? A week or so later, I showed him the shirt, and he was embarassed. I had to run an errand that day and left for the appointment, it was the eye doctor. I received many stares and a few questions. I told those that asked, "I am a survivor of Domestic Abuse". And I went on to say that my husband and I had decided to get help and work it out.
I was so hopeful!

I arrived home and he was livid! How can you wear that shirt? What will people think of me? What if someone we know finds out? Burn it! Throw it away! NOW MELINDA! What the *uck! I thought you wanted to work this out Mel!

Please don't ask me to do that! I thought you were ok with this R?! You said it was ok and you admitted you had a problem but we are going to fix it right?

He came and grabbed it from me, then he headed to the back yard fire pit. He ended up burning it. He thought it was terrible for me to cause him to be embarassed by parading around in it. He apologized saying that it was just bad karma to keep that around. It's a fresh start and why be reminded of the past? He smiled a wide smile and kissed me. He gave me a playful pat on the head... So what's for dinner?

I knew things weren't going to change. The happiness and good feelings had already started to dissolve. I was rethinking my choice. What had I done! I should have known! I felt duped! He lied! I thought to myself... I felt stuck again. Maybe I was overreacting. Doubt played on my mind. I still remained fearful and tried to push negative thoughts from my head. Turning the events that happened towards menu's for dinner...

Instincts, I should have listened and I should have never let him come back!

Finalizing my divorce!

Seriously?! It's that easy?! I went to the courthouse this afternoon and filed a motion for a final hearing, to finalize our seemingly never ending divorce.

I nervously went to the desk at the Clerk's office and told the lady I wanted to file a motion for final hearing, she said, oh sure, sign here and here, oh wait you need to fill out this and when your done let me know. I finished it quickly, it was copied, stamped and on it's way!

I was stunned! Of course I still need to find out if it's accepted. Keep me in your prayers!

Today STBX should be served with his papers. So far not a peep. YEA! I remain cautious...

I visited with a family member and God had laid me with a heavy heart to visit someone I hadn't seen in a long time. I pushed her away early on in my journey for fear of STBX stalking her or bad mouthing her. We chatted for a bit and hugged good bye. She told me not to worry about him, but she didn't have a doubt that he would find out we met somehow.

We both of course were paranoid and kept looking around as we chatted. I felt good about putting that to bed. I missed her! She had been a very good friend! I had lost so many due to him (STBX).

Early today I talked with my Pastor's wife and she had a brillant idea to seek out other DV survivors or victims. Funny, I was thinking about the Survivor's Cafe! I called around and a few places don't allow religious services or bible studies, darn it! She suggested not to give up and to see if we can go to the top. I'm excited!

I have to admit of feeling so much relief right now. I started to exercise again this week and I'm sure that helped. I found a passage this morning that made me feel equally wonderful today~

Psalm 91:4- He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.

Isaiah 43:5- Fear not: for I am with thee: I will bring thy seed from the east, and gather thee from the west.

Monday, August 15, 2011

5 messages from my Gaslighter

Not surprised he has left messages and one email. All stating that it must be "me" causing J to act out. And shame on me for not getting the psych/counseling. (Actually the court appointed counselor said the girls didn't need it)

He is allowing me to have physical custody of the girls~ Oh what a nice guy, that is sarcasm
And he goes on and on... I will post later.

My intention today is to get the police report if it's ready and to see if my sister in law told the police about the comment he made. I hope she did! I have to try to figure out how to word the motions I want to file.

Later!

I picked up the police report! God love my sister in law! She told the police about the threat, which of course he denied. I went up to the court house and filed for a Order of Protection for the girls and it was granted! We go to court for this on the 15th of Sept. I feel relief that we don't have to see him or talk to him for a bit! I hope they don't have to see him supervised or unsupervised. Please keep us in your prayers! Gosh my head hurts!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Today's visitation

Police called.

STBX and J had words. She called the police. I'm proud of her! BUT she called not because he was yelling at her, because he was yelling at his Mom! WOW!

He told the police he was angry and got upset due to his discipling her verbally because she had said some "Choice words" to him. She called him an Ass, said she hated him and never wanted to see him again.

This blew him up! He said "Your Mother must be telling you what to say".
"I'm going to sue your Mother for custody of you kids".
"I will die to get you from your Mom's house"
"I would SLIT THE KIDS THROATS to keep them safe from Mom (me!)!
SERIOUSLY?!

I couldn't believe no one told the police about that! I told my sister in law she better tell that to the police so they can put it in the report! Why isn't this man in jail yet?!

His Mom just went along with STBX's statement about J being rude. WHAT?! She wants her basement done. She did say before I left that she can't handle the stress of the visits and will not host again!

I spoke with one of the police and told them about what S overheard and hope she tells them.

My youngest has resorted to being quiet and she is scared. J is upset and angry that Grandma didn't have her back more.

I told the police a bit about our background and he was blown away. He couldn't get over it! Nor could he get over the fact that we are still tied up with court for our divorce and the visitation arrangements were nuts! I agreed but told him I have tried various avenues to no avail and since I'm Pro Se I feel really helpless and jerked around. It's hard to find help when once everyone finds out how unstable STBX is. No one wants to deal with a mad man.

There is more but I will have to wait until I talk to a few people and get a few things together. Say a prayer for us!

Is he really going to change this time?


http://www.mvwcs.com/goingtochange.html


Is He Really Going To Change This Time?

 A Guide for Women Whose Partners are in a Batterer Intervention Program

If your partner has entered an intervention program for batterers, you're probably hopeful that he will change. It's important to know that there are no miracle cures for his violence - he is the only one who can make the decision to change. This section will give you information about what is an appropriate program, what signs to watch for in your partner, and what to do if you think you may still be in danger of being abused.

How Do You Know If The Program Will Work?

There are no guarantees that any program will work; everything depends on your partner's motivation and willingness to change. Some programs are more appropriate than others. Those programs use the following standards:

Safety is the first priority.

Programs should always assess your safety when communicating with you. A program should never disclose information that you have given them without your permission. A program should not misrepresent its ability to change his behavior. A program's definition of success is the quality of your and your children's lives, starting with safety.

Lasts long enough.

Change takes time. The longer the program, the more opportunities he will have to make the choice to change. A year or more in a program is preferable, although that is not always possible.

Holds him accountable.

The first step of accountability is that he takes responsibility for choosing to use violence to maintain power and control over you. A program should recognize that his behavior is the "problem" and not allow him to use your behavior as an excuse. Programs should hold him accountable for attendance, participation, and complying with the group's rules. (You can get a copy of the rules by calling the program.)

The curriculum gets to the root of his belief system.

The content of the program is set up to challenge his underlying belief system that he has the right to control, dominate, and abuse you. Programs that address anger, communication skills, and/or stress do not get to the root of his belief system.

Makes no demands on you to participate.

You're not the one making the choice to be violent, so the program should not require that you be involved in any way. Don't let anyone lead you to believe that his progress is dependent upon your participation.

Is open to your input.

If you initiate contact with the program to ask questions or give input you think may be useful, a program should welcome your participation. This is different from requiring you to participate. Sometimes, a program may initiate contact with you to discuss your partner's behavior outside the program. You should not feel obligated to share information, especially if you feel it might create a risk of further violence against you.



How Do You Know If He's Really Changing?

Positive signs include:

He has stopped being violent or threatening to you or others.

He acknowledges that his abusive behavior is wrong.

He understands that he does not have the right to control and dominate you.

You don't feel afraid when you are with him.

He does not coerce you into having sex when you don't want to.

You can express anger toward him without feeling intimidated.

He does not make you feel responsible for his abusive behavior.

He respects your opinion, even if he doesn't agree with it.

He respects your right to say "no".

You can negotiate without being humiliated and belittled by him.

You don't have to ask his permission to go out, go to school, get a job, or take other independent actions.

He listens to you and respects what you have to say.

He communicates honestly and does not try to manipulate you.

He recognizes that he is not "cured" and that changing his behavior, attitudes, and beliefs is a lifelong process.

He no longer does _________ (fill in the blank with any behavior that use to precede his violence, manipulation, or emotional abuse).

He no longer isolates you from your family or friends.

He does not blame you for his behavior.

He no longer emotionally abuses you.

He no longer calls you names.

What Do They Do In Batterer Intervention, Anyway?

Changing Attitudes, Beliefs, and Behaviors

Abusers have beliefs and attitudes that support their choice to use violence, such as: men are superior, women are possessions of men, and violence is an acceptable way to get what they want. The program should be reinforcing an egalitarian belief system and that violent behavior is a choice and the batterer's responsibility. Batterers must be confronted about their use of all types of abusive behaviors (i.e., emotional and verbal assaults, abusing pets, destroying property, withholding money or access to

money; stalking, and other behaviors) that can terrify or intimidate victims and their families. Batterers need to learn that there is no excuse for any abusive behavior - and that it is never the victim's fault.

Achieving Equality in Relationships

The program should help batterers come up with long-term strategies for achieving the mutual respect, trust, and support that is necessary to maintain a relationship free of abuse. It should also help them develop long-term plans for sharing responsibility with their partners in areas such as family finances and parenting.

Community Participation

It is important that the program help the batterer understand that he has committed a crime against the community. He can acknowledge his violence by discussing his efforts to change with friends or co-workers, referring other men who are abusive to the program, and making sincere amends for past offenses (such as replacing destroyed or stolen property).

Warning Signs:

Venting Is Not OK

Techniques and therapies like pillow-punching or primal-screaming are NOT appropriate for abusers. They tend to reinforce, rather than discourage, violent behavior. These techniques should not be a part of any intervention program.

A Call from the Program

A batterer intervention program should alert you if it is clear from your partner's behavior in the program that you are in danger. While most programs have confidentiality policies that prevent them from telling you specifically what he has discussed in group meetings, they are obligated to warn you if they believe any immediate danger exists. If you get a call from them about this, take it seriously.

Couples Counseling Won't Stop His Violence

Your partner may try to get you to go to couples counseling, telling you that you both have a problem and should work on it together. Couples counseling is never appropriate when one partner is choosing to use violence against the other. You do not have a "relationship" problem that needs to be addressed - he is using violence and coercion to get what he wants. Couples counseling can only work when both partners feel free to express their issues, concerns and desires freely. If one partner exerts power and control over the other, there is no basis for counseling that is free from fear and intimidation.

Manipulation

Your partner's abusive behavior is rooted in a desire to control you, and that pattern isn't going to change overnight. He may no longer be violent, but he may still try to exert control by manipulating you into doing what he wants. Here are some common manipulative behaviors:

Tries to invoke sympathy from you or family and friends

Is overly charming; reminds you of all the good times you've had together

Tries to buy you back with romantic gifts, dinners, flowers, etc

Tries to seduce you when you're vulnerable

Uses veiled threats - to take the kids away, to quit attending the program, to cut off financial support

His promises to change don't match his behavior

You may be so hopeful for change that you want to believe him, even if things don't feel any different. But trust your instincts. If you don't feel safe, then chances are you're not.

The Six Big Lies

If you hear your partner making statements like these while he is in a program, you need to understand that he is lying to you.

"I'm not the only one with a problem, you have a problem too."

"I'm not as bad as a lot of the other guys in there."

"As soon as I'm done with this program, I'll be cured."

"We need to stay together to work this out."

"If I weren't under so much stress, I wouldn't have such a short fuse."

"Now that I'm in this program, you have to be more understanding."

These statements have one thing in common: they let him off the hook for his choice to use abusive behavior. Remember, he needs to be willing to accept responsibility for his violence in order to change.

How Do You Know You're Safe?

If you feel that you will be safer away from your partner while he is in an intervention program, you have every right to leave. Even if you leave, you must understand that his participation in the program is no guarantee that he will not be a threat to you. The risk that he may be violent toward you may even increase when you leave. For your own safety and the safety of your children, watch for these warning signs in the way he behaves toward you while he is in the program.

Tries to find you if you've left. He may try to get information from your family and friends about your whereabouts, either by threatening them or trying to get their sympathy.

Tries to get you to come back to him. He may do anything to get you to come back - if promising to change and being charming or contrite don't work, his efforts could then escalate to threats and violence.

Tries to take away the children. He may try to kidnap the children as a way of forcing you to stay with him.

Stalks you. If you always seem to run into him when you are on your way to work, running errands, or out with your friends, or if you receive lots of mysterious phone calls, he could be stalking you.

Steps You Can Take To Help Keep Yourself Safe

If you have any reason to believe you may be at risk for abuse while your partner is in a program, there are several things you can do to try to increase your safety:

Contact a legal advocate if you feel you need help in dealing with threats to take your children; Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service can provide referrals.

If you feel comfortable doing so, contact the program he is in to let them know about any threatening or potentially threatening behavior.

If you have left him, tell as few family members and friends as possible where you are. If they don't know how to find you, they can't be frightened or manipulated into telling him.

Material used with permission. Adapted from work by the Texas Council on Family Violence, Austin, Texas . 

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

You walk like a *ucking horse!


"When I walk with you stop walking like *ucking horse. You gallop when you walk when I have my arm across your shoulders! Can't you walk normal?! Stop your *ucking bouncing *hit when you walk!"

I became so self concious about how I walked when I was next to him. Paranoid, worried and scared to "gallop" walk. I became clumsy, tripping over my feet while we walked together. This of course caused him to become aggravated with me.

"What the hell?! Can't you walk with your feet in?! You walk like a damn duck!"

Oh yes, heard that one too.

"The corner of your mouth droops when you talk, stop that!"

I never noticed it until he mentioned it.

"Your teeth are so crooked. You need braces" ~ I stopped smiling really big for awhile, especially if he was around. I grew paranoid about my teeth and smile.

"Damn circles under your eyes. Put something on your eyes!"

"Droopy tits. I'm going to get you a boob job"

"Don't tilt your head like that, I can see your double chin, *cuking pig"

"Your sweating like a disgusting pig"
I'm a profuse sweater. I have always hated that! He refused to hold my hand.

"Your such a lazy fat pig"

"Worthless"

"Get a *ucking job you lazy spic"

"Your just good for one job on your back or on your knees"

"Men are pigs, they won't want you for anything else but a *uck"

I am still breaking free of hearing these things in my head. Like a tiny voice in the back of my mind I can sometimes still look in the mirror and see what he called me.

Terry says I'm beautiful! He says my smile can light up a room. He also says that despite what positive things he says that are truthful, he can't break through that negative shield that I put up when I hear those kind words. He's right and I hear him say wonderful things to me or he will sing me a tune, such as "I've had the time of my life" or some other random song and I just think he's messing with me or joking. (Saying nice things to me and not meaning them) Oh and he holds my hand, even though it gets sweaty! But I have to say that I was worried about that too!

Mind games

My Gaslighter says many of the things he sees in himself. Well maybe not the boob job for himself, but you never know... Sorry I couldn't help but supress a giggle with that one for a change.

I try to walk with my head held high and a spring in my step! I know getting the reminder of the negative crap out is a work in progress. My girls have equally heard some nasty things and they are coming along so well!

Our youngest is having nightmares due to the last vistation. Our oldest is so much like him and this is good and bad. She is head strong and doesn't easily back down (read "Her Tiny Fists). But, she can be mean spirited to her sister or hit her. She has come a long way since we first left. It is amazing! I'm proud of both! But know they're journey through this is just as hard for them.

They are both still homebodies, like Dad but that is changing a bit now that they are getting more friends. With school coming up I reminded both of them to make this the year of J or the year of A! Do one afterschool group, either Student counsel or choir to meet others. Both have friends but are shy to make new ones.

J still thinks she's fat and that she's stupid. Dad used to call her that. She does realize that she is NOT the reason her Dad and I split up, he told her that if I ever left him that it would be her fault and he would never talk to her again. (Oh wouldn't that be lovely!!!!). Of course he's too much of a control freak to do that.

I tell both girls how beautiful they are. They can accomplish big things! That they are smart and will be successful! I remind them that I love them and pray for a safe life for them and for us.

I many times feel so much at peace because there is no crazy man here. There is no fear. There is no one calling us names. There is no hair pulling, no physical, verbal, emotional or mental crap. That we are survivors and they don't have to take any abuse from any man or woman. They are strong!

And we don't walk like horses... But if I did, I am reminded how noble these creatures are! So, maybe walking like a horse isn't half bad!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Fainting, fake heart attacks and made up health issues

It's a wonderous thing to have triggers associated with DV. I never have any idea what exactly is going to set them off. It boggles my mind, let alone with how the effects the memories have on me, both physically and emotionally.

Terry squeezed my head and he pretended to flutter, just being his usual silly self. For some reason this triggered a memory of STBX fainting after I told him I was leaving him for the 7 or 8th time in 2008. I lost count after a time.

STBX would fall to the floor, swooning as if hit by some invisible force once he heard the words come out of my mouth that I wasn't happy and I wanted a divorce. There were times I just left him on the floor. Another time I left him slouched over while he was on the toliet. Another time he "collasped" down a few stairs. Oh my gosh, take a bow and give the man an Oscar!

At first when he did this I would cry and apologize for upsetting him. Worried and trying in vain to "wake him". As years go by it gets old. Clutching his heart or claiming he couldn't breath. Oh PLEASE! Or he would say he couldn't handle the stress of my leaving, he can't live without me or how can I be so mean? Just mind games that my Gaslighter is so good at playing.

I would say I would stay. Only to have him once again apologize for hurting me and promises he wouldn't do it again. Mushy promises of love and tenderness that would end in short order with no truth to the empty words at all. Oh they may last a few days, weeks or months but it wouldn't stay longer then that.

I don't miss that! I don't miss the craziness, the name calling, accusations of cheating or the hitting.

I don't miss crazy!

Monday, August 8, 2011

Abusive brainwashing techniques

http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page3.htm

Abusive Brainwashing Techniques

How abusers get what they want...

"One of the best ways to tell if you are being abused is to trust your gut feeling.
This is a difficult task, if your abuser has managed to make you doubt your own sanity, but it is vital to your survival and healing.
Abusers brainwash their intimate partners using methods similar to those of prison guards who recognize that physical control is never easily accomplished without the cooperation of the prisoner.
The most effective way to gain that cooperation is through subversive manipulation of the mind and feelings of the victim, who then becomes a psychological, as well as a physical, prisoner. These methods form the core of abuse."
[ About Brainwashing from Maia's abuse survivor site. Thank you for making this information available ]

Biderman's Chart of Coercion


The process of abusive brainwashing:
  • Isolation: Deprives victim of all social support [necessary for the] ability to resist. Develops an intense concern with self. Makes victim dependent upon interrogator.
  • Monopolization of Perception: Fixes attention upon immediate predicament; fosters introspection. Eliminates stimuli competing with those controlled by the captor. Frustrates all actions not consistent with compliance.
  • Induced Debility & Exhaustion: Weakens mental and physical ability to resist.
  • Threats: Cultivates anxiety and despair.
  • Occasional Indulgences: Provides positive motivation for compliance.
  • Demonstrating "Omnipotence": Suggests futility of resistance.
  • Enforcing Trivial Demands: Develops habit of compliance.
  • Degradation: Makes cost of resistance appear more damaging to self-esteem than capitulation. Reduces prisoner [abuse victim] to "animal level" concerns.
NO, this does not mean your partner is a supremely intelligent individual. It means they are a dysfunctional, spiteful abusive person. Those highly effective techniques for manipulation are a natural part of who they are. As you will read under Inside the Mind of An Abuser, these people are all pretty much the same type of character... sharing a great many thinking patterns and behaviors.
The abuser keeps the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place. Your partner might control your finances, make plans for you, or even talk or gossip about you to others behind your back in order to isolate you from them.
The abuser controls the victim's time and physical environment, and works to suppress much of the victim's old behavior. Your partner might have insisted that you stop certain social, hobby, or work activities. He may insist you move to a new location, farther away from your family and other supportive contacts.
The abuser instills in the victim a sense of powerlessness, fear, and dependency. Verbal and emotional abuse amplifies these emotions, and they become stronger and stronger over time. Your partner puts forth a closed system of logic, and allows no real input or criticism. In other words... What he says, goes.

Abusive Breakdown Tactics - the tools of abuse


Here are some of the tactics abuser's use to hurt you... to take you down and keep you there. How many do you recognize?
Verbal Assaults: Berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening, excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation. Blowing flaws out of proportion and making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self confidence and self-worth.
Domination: The abuser wants to control your every action. They have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to get it. When you allow someone else to dominate you, you can lose respect for yourself.
Emotional Blackmail: The abuser plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they want. This could include threats to end the relationship, the "cold shoulder," or use other controlling fear tactics.
Gaslighting: The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. You know differently. The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity. It is this act of abuse which makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind.
Unpredictable Responses: Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses.
  • This behavior is damaging because it puts you always on edge. You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what's expected of you. You must remain hypervigilant, waiting for the other person's next outburst or change of mood.
  • An alcoholic or drug abuser is likely to act this way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance.
Abusive Expectations: The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs. It could be a demand for constant attention, frequent sex, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person. But no matter how much you give, it's never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.
Constant Chaos: The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others. The person may be "addicted to drama" since it creates excitement.
""Emotional abuse is a devastating, debilitating heart and soul mutilation.
The deepest lasting wound with any abuse is the emotional wound."" - Robert Burney

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Not every one needs to leave if they are hit

Now before you jump down my throat, hear me out.

In some cases there are incidents where there is the "One" time when someone loses it and flips their lid. Whether it be in a fit of rage or what have you. I have met a few people in my time where they're mate had one of those "lost it" moments and they never had another again. Depending on the severity of the event and the effects of those involved many of those people choose to stay with the person.

Letting them know that if it happens again they can leave or the other would leave. Oh I have had a moment of just losing it time's. I think everyone has. Whether you say something or do something really dumb. This blog is actually dedicated to the abuse that happens on a consistant and regular basis.

If you partner has a bad day and vents. No it's not right, and it's never right to lash out physically or emotionally. It is personal judgement that needs to used in each incident to decide if this is a one time deal or a total deal breaker for you.

I'm inclined to say if any relationship can be salvaged from DV that is awesome! The small percentage of those that do salvage them is so small and tiny.

There can be hope.

It won't happen over night.

It is not a quick fix to repair months or years of abuse.

It is a process that all involved MUST be on board for. All MUST be open for communicating with a counselor or support group.

It MUST be ok for everyone to vent openly and unafraid of the ramifications of the emotions and words/statements that come up.

AND most IMPORTANTLY~ He/She MUST want to change! Not to change they're mind a few days later and start all over.

So if you are ditching Mr/Mrs Wonderful because of one slip, think about it. If you are thinking of ditching your long term abuser, no one can tell you when the perfect time to leave is. There never is and if you don't just jump, you may never do it.

How much can you take?

How long do you want your children/friends/family to see you like this?

*If you need a Safety plan please check out my tags for this*

As always God bless and stay safe!

Order of Protection expires soon!

I leave a picture of me from time to time, to remind people I'm like anyone else's Mother, Sister, Daughter, Friend or Wife.

I leave a picture so that everyone will remember what I look like and about my story if something should happen to me.

I leave a picture that someday the court system and legal land will have a record of the craziness my STBX has put me through and continues to do.

I leave my picture so I won't be forgotten...


I talked to a friend and I was informed that STBX had rode a bike around our apartment 4 times last Thursday. She went to get a camera and he didn't show up. He actually paused and stared at our building. Then she heard sounds coming out of our place. Needless to say that I am going to make sure the police escort me in when we return. So he's still stalking me! It's been almost 3 freakin years!

I'm worried that my Order of Protection runs out at the end of this month. Leaving me fair game and open for both my STBX and my son. My son will only do what his Dad tells him to. Case and point when M attacked Terry at Lake County Court house in the fall of 2009. Telling the officers that he was going to kill him but decided to beat him up instead.

A string of emails after the event about killing Terry and me had followed for months after. I have gone to the police repeatedly and nothing seems to happen at all! The only ONE thing that stuck was the phone messages he left on my answering machine. They were demanding and also numerous enough for the Prescutor to file charges. Which lead him to pay court costs and he was ordered to take Anger management classes. He still claims innocent from this even though it was his number and his voice on the machine, which a policer officer heard.

The investigation the local police did on the murder for hire has gone nowhere. My STBX is smug and says all I have is 2 losers that do drugs and since they have a record they aren't credible. I have to wonder if he's right. To bring you to speed again, he offered my nephew and another gentleman $5,000 and a camera to video tape my death/grave after the deed was done.

I am still at a loss.

I received an email that states he and Terry will still have a "meeting". He also is planning on getting custody of my girls since Terry is "dangerous". (HA! I thought that was calling the Kettle black"). In addition to that he is going to sue Terry for having his child and for pain and suffering. He is looking to sue for $25,0000,000. On one hand I laugh at the stupidity of that threat. Where does he have the money to hire so many attorney's? He claims he can't afford the child support he is now paying.

We filed bankruptcy, he lost the house, he had no bills. (I have medical bills of my own and a student loan that has not seen payment due to no job on my part. Not any fault of STBX at all and I'm not saying he has to pay any of that.) He works for cash.

He works for Pine Waterproofing in Northfield, IL as a Union Roofer (Local #11). He has been getting paid cash for years now. He makes what he needs in hours to keep a certain level for health insurance and the rest of the hours he takes for cash. He has seen over $20,000+ in just getting money under the table alone for years. But I can't prove it. Though I witnessed it for the number of years we were together. His boss keeps a stash of cash in his office. It's off the books and for emergencies and so on. Sadly battling the Union to prove the allegations when so many other companies do this would be hard to say the least.

Anyway, I'm nervous to say the least. STBX's Mom is not a safe place to hold our "Supervised visitation". I thought one of my Sister in law's would be there to help but apparently she was at off at a pool because she had a rough work week. I have no issue with that. She works hard. My problem comes when there is a fight, voices where raised.

Neither of my girls want to see STBX again. BUT the court is not going to allow that to happen apparently. They asked the last GAL how come they have to see Dad but he had no answer for them. He noted everything, gave his findings (The girls were to stay with me and STBX was to have charge of our son).Since he relieved himself as GAL, we are at a stalemate. No new GAL's want our case. They review, contact old GAL and find that STBX is a wack job and we can't get a new person. Which again postpones the divorce since STBX wants the girls.

I can't afford another attorney, I have been searching for a Motion for Bifurcation but have not found one I can submit to the court.

I get emails/text messages from STBX that he is "My loving husband". He sent me a couple's horoscope last night.

Daily Flirt:

Something weird is going on with your health -- most likely it's nothing serious, just irritating -- but you can make a simple change that will clear it up much sooner than you think.

Daily Couples:

Are the two of you ready to learn from the past? The stars say making a full and sincere effort to absorb these lessons results in a time of unprecedented sweetness and harmony in your relationship.

What the HECK! Totally creeped out and just want this man to move on. But as I read about this Gaslighter, Psychopath, Narcisiss, Abuser or whatever you want to call him, he won't let go easy. He is dating other women but yet he won't leave me alone. I want to move so badly, but every stinking time the place falls through or they aren't renting now or so other reason. I'm sad and admit to be stressed out. I'm dizzy again and I've gotten belly aches and twitches again on my face from time to time. Nightmares are back as well.

I may ask my sister to stay with me or something. I'm not sure. Living life as usual but looking over my shoulder.

Keep us in your prayers...

8 Ways to spot Emotional Manipulation

Eight Ways to Spot Emotional Manipulation

Emotional Manipulation is Also "Covert Aggression." See: "Psychopaths: Wolves in Sheep's Clothing" Here is a list adapted from an article by Fiona McColl

    1) There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator. You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response - "It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment - but you see I didn’t want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry." Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all - but since they’ve said the words you’re pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played - don’t capitulate! Do not care take - do not accept an apology that feels like bullshit. If it feels like bullshit - it probably is. Rule number one - if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver - it’s added to their hit list and you’ll be fed a steady diet of this shit.
    2) An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper. If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree - that is IF they didn’t volunteer to do it first. Then when you say, "ok thanks" - they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they don’t really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesn’t seem like they want to do whatever - they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy making - which is something emotional manipulators are very good at. Rule number two - If an emotional manipulator said YES - make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties - if they don’t want to do it - make them tell you it up front - or just put on the walk-man headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theater.
    3) Crazy making - saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it. If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of what’s been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity --You are experiencing emotional manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and they’ll call it white - and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses. Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality. WARNING: Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous! It is very disconcerting for an emotional manipulator if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations during conversations. Feel free to let them know you just are feeling so "forgetful" these days that you want to record their words for posterity’s sake. The damndest thing about this is that having to do such a thing is a clear example for why you should be seriously thinking about removing yourself from range in the first place. If you’re toting a notebook to safeguard yourself - that ol’ bullshit meter should be flashing steady by now! 
    4) Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers. They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly - they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly didn’t want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a point of not fighting other people’s battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is "I have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own" - check out the response and note the bullshit meter once again.
    5) Emotional manipulators fight dirty. They don’t deal with things directly. They will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers. They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of jerk off shit to undermine it. Example: "Of course I want you to go back to school honey and you know I’ll support you." Then exam night you are sitting at the table and poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the t.v. blasting and the dog needs walking - all the while "Sweetie" is sitting on their ass looking at you blankly. Dare you call them on such behavior you are likely to hear, "well you can’t expect life to just stop because you have an exam can you honey?" Cry, scream or choke ‘em - only the last will have any long-term benefits and it’ll probably wind your butt in jail.         
    6) If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor! No matter  what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now - but only ten times worse. It’s hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish - or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even tho you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Don’t bother - TRUST your gut and walk away!
    7) Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them. When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it - it brings a deep instinctual response to find someway to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better - fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you even have needs - let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs met.
    8) Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability. They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior - it is always about what everyone else has "done to them". One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the "hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me" variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.