Repost from 3/28/2009
I recall not giving him sex. Not on purpose of course. I am a highly open woman and young enough to still have a pretty good drive. In a normal relationship relations between couple's range from 2 times a week to maybe 4 to 6 times a month. This was not the case in my marriage, relations several times a day wee not uncommon. Pleasing him was a big part of sex. At some point it just became a thing to do. Just praying he would be satisfied enough to leave me alone. I could have had a fever, throwing up, or in severe pain, this would not matter. If I didn't have sex with him, he would accuse me of having an affair. Why else would I not be in the mood?
Punishments for being unwilling to perform would be to lay int he front room without any blankets, pillows and on the floor. Sometimes naked and he would turn the heat down. I would lay down there for hours curled up in a ball trying to get warm and sleep. Feeling thankful that he was leaving me alone. Eventually he would yell to me to come to bed, what was I doing? I needed to come to bed and why was I laying on the floor? Why was I being silly? As though the whole incident was made up or I imagined it. He at times would say he didn't recall what I was taking about. Or why did I make him angry enough to hurt me? If I just did what he told me I would have it easy and things would be ok.
Come to him... Come to him and make love. He would yell at me or talk harshly to me about my duties to my husband. I was just a *uck or *lut that needed to know her place. I hated myself. Alot of times I daydreamed and floated away to forget what was happening.
On occassions when I did let myself go and enjoy myself I would get in trouble for making too much noise, or I would get accused of faking, I would get accused of faking because I was not lubricated enough and I must be *ucking someone else. Who was I thinking of? Is what he would ask. Is he (meaning the other imagined person) good? Does he have a big *ick? It was all in his head.
This phantom person he made up that I was having an affair with. More then a few times he would just take me. He would take me , he would cover my mouth during protests and he would just take me. I could close my legs but he would force himself on me. He would take me in certain positions, choke me, pull my hair so hard my head would go back. I swore there would be patches of missing hair. Sometimes I would find a bit on the floor. Crying would make him pull harder or choke me harder. It also seemed to get him more excited to hear me whimper and cry. He'd call me a *itch and a whore. I was his whore. I felt used and unworthy of any real love. I figured that was it, this is what I am supposed to be used for. I wante out, I wanted out a long time ago. I waned to be free to find my own piece of happiness. I longed for a soft touch, a soft caress, a gentle person to just hold me. Someone that would look at me and I would just melt. Someone that would hold my hand or me at night and stroke my hair.
I prayed he would find someone else. I tried to leave numerous times, though I physically did so 3 times. I desired to be set free. I never thought in reality of looking for anyone else. He told me all men were bad, none would love me the way he did. No man could ever treat me as good as he did. If I did leave I would only be good on my knees and that would be the only way I would get ahead in life.
Love? It is a funny little word. It lost it's meaning to me a long time ago while I was married to him. Love became a regular word like Hello and Good-bye. I stopped saying it long ago. Which only mad him infurtiated. Oh that make him very mad! He would call me 6 to 10 times in an hour, each time waiting for me or making me say I loved him. I didn't feel it and didn't want to say something I didn't mean or feel. I didn't want him to think I felt anything for him anymore.
If I got up from bed in the middle of the night due to mind wandering or aches and pains or whatever. I would be accused of waking him up and keeping him awake! Even if I was super quiet, no TV on or lights. He would still get angry at me.
I would have to scratch his back until "He" fell asleep. If I didn't I would get yelled at, he would bark at me or get physical. Scratching his back made me very sleepy. Heaven forbid! Once again I would get yelled at or he would shake me awake. This would go on for HOURS until he fell asleep or he was satisfied that I had done a good job. I would also have the task of scratching his hole until he told me I could stop. This could be a few mins or more.
It was not out of the ordinary to be pushed or shoved out of bed for not doing what I was told to do. I hated bedtime. Very rarely did he ask me why I was gettingout of bed. Very rarely did he ask if I discomfort or a problem.
I began to see him as he is. Warped, a bully, an Abuser, a psychotic, a Gaslighter, mentally unstable and capable of harming all of us. I was constantly accused of having affairs with men, women and both. Many I never knew, people he came to contact with daily. Or someone he would see taking a look or glance at me.
I like listening to music! Pink is one of my favorites but I was not allowed to listen to her as he said she "angered up my blood" and made me disobedient. Any song or artist that played music about strong women or having fun was banned.
Movies and TV
Any movies or TV shows that showed a woman dating multiple men or stepping out on her man was a whore. That is what he would tell me. He would get mad at me because of the show or movie he was watching! There were many that we never finished because it would get him so upset.
He was insecure, he was unreachable. There was a time I would try to keep it together always thinking of the kids and not wanting to fail my marriage.
A little about me
- Brook, IN, United States
- Abuse doesn't stop at the court room. Melinda has shared her battles in her life and through the court room as she navigates through the legal system Bringing encouragement, insight and empowerment to those that are in a abusive relationship. She is in the process of creating a new life, speaking engagements to "Break the Silence" of abuse, while putting a face to abuse. She is currently working on writing a book about her experiences as a Survivor.View short Bio here- https://www.patheos.com/blogs/ahappymedium/2013/02/notbrokenbutbrave/