A little about me

My photo
Brook, IN, United States
Abuse doesn't stop at the court room. Melinda has shared her battles in her life and through the court room as she navigates through the legal system Bringing encouragement, insight and empowerment to those that are in a abusive relationship. She is in the process of creating a new life, speaking engagements to "Break the Silence" of abuse, while putting a face to abuse. She is currently working on writing a book about her experiences as a Survivor.View short Bio here- https://www.patheos.com/blogs/ahappymedium/2013/02/notbrokenbutbrave/

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

From the beginning...


I was a Sixteen year old high schooler, so full of ideas, ambition and I couldn't wait to tackle the world! I had seen him at a local store where he wored and were were even in gym class together. During the school semester change is when I approached him for a seat. I was a joker and I asked him if I could sit next to him. Then I asked him to bear my children, I was just being silly. Overtime we grew closer, but I wanted it to be more of a friendship. Any chance I had I tried to fix him up with other girls. I had felt in my heart early on we were not good for each other. He called me all the time, he was constantly asking if I was seeing someone else. Always upset if I had to go out with even my parents! There was a ding, ding going off in my head! I broke up with him numerous times and each time I felt like a heel for doing so because he would say he would harm himself.

He had loud outbursts at times when he got angry. He would get into arguements with his family on a continual basis. He told me no one understood him the way I did, he had no one to love him and count on. He threatened to kill me if I did leave him. The longer I stayed the longer it seemed I lost myself and immersed myself in a life that I did not want. There were good times, there were times when I could find myself letting in love to him. I felt sorry for him in so many ways. He hated it when I joked around with him, all along thinking I was making fun of him. He could dish it out but not take it. I lost many good friends as thought I was fooling around with them or they were taking too much time away from us. Later any visits from friends or calls made him jealous, or he would gripe people were intruding.

I grew quiet, reserved, feeling as though I couldn't do anything without him because that's what he told me and I believed. He had swiftly moved into my subconcious by feeding me lies about myself and others. He made me believe even my family was against me.

I had always wanted a family, to get married and to have a home to call my own. I entertained the possiblity that married life might change him. I was approached by family to leave him. There were many times I did call off the wedding, only to go back. He threated kill my then baby sisters if I didn't marry him or if I left him. He reminded me his parents had paid for a majority of the wedding and they would hate me and sue me for not following through with the wedding plans. All the way to the time I walked dow the aisle I wanted to run! Even during our reception we fought. I couldn't dance with any men that were younger then me, anyone single, or anyone he thought may have an agenda  to snare me away. I did not leave his side the whole time and the minute I went to the restroom and I came back I was questioned quietly. He said I made him look like an ass for leaving him alone.

After time it was implanted in my head that no one would love me as he did.  I wanted desparately to be loved! I believed him! I believed I was unlovable, that I was not worthy of love from another. All men would abuse me or they would rape me. I believe him.

Once we were in our own home we settled in a groove, we had to live with his parents for a few months after the wedding, this lead to some interesting times.He became more irratic in his behavior or at least it seemed so.  After our home was finished and we were alone is when I noticed him talking in the early morning. He would cuss and get upset to someone. At one point I was curious so I picked up the phone to see if perhaps he was talking to someone, there was no one on the other line. I was puzzled and worried. He was talking to himself! This would go on for years! When I questioned him about it he said he did not know what I was talking about.

We hadn't lived on our own for more then a month when we had our first fight. He tried to throw me out of the house and I begged him not to make me leave. I was on my knees begging!  He made me call my Mom to come and get me, he didn't want me anymore. My Mom told me that couple's go through problems and I needed to be strong. She was not going to pick me up. I was on my own. He was even more made because of this! He yanked me around by my hair, dragging me at one point. Screaming at me! Why did this happen? Over something small and so dumb that I don't remember why.  He calmed down after a few hours, I had to stay out of his way during the duration. He promised he would never do that again...

The waiting for him to calm down was always the longest period of time! I was on pins and needles waiting patiently and in another room quietly. Anytime I cried it made the situation worse. He would get even madder if I cried. There were times he would do the opposite and get even more upset if I didn't cry.  He thought he must not be intimadating enough, that I was being disobedient. My punishments were not enough and there were times I wished for death to come swiftly for me.I was scared and tired. I dread coming home from work and if I told anyone he promised I would pay.

Something made him mad almost daily! It didn't matter if it wasn't me, it could have been Joe Blow on the street that cut him off while he was driving. Not knowing if there was something I did wrong or something went wrong at work so he wold take it out on me later.

We had pets before we had kids. He wanted them to be his and he was upset if they would come or want to lay by me. I would push them away but they were seeking some sort of comfort themselves. I couldn't help these poor guys. I would find them alot of times hiding under or behind chairs and couches when he was around. One of the cats would hiss at him many times and this cat also would pee on his laundry regularly. Of course I got blamed for that. Looking back I knew then the animals knew he was not right.

I recall an incident when I did not get enough done in the house for he had taken a shower and ordered me to take my own. I was a crying mess due to the arguement that ensued. I tried to suck it down my tears  but I had a hard time catching my breath. While I was in the shower, he turned off the hot water valve that was in our bedroom. I had to shower quickly and I was not allowed to go to bed with him, I had to stay on the floor in the front room. I finished my shower and hid myself behind a chair because he started yelling for me. He was mad because he could not find me. Now it wasn't a big house! But the fact that I hid myself caused him to be so infuriated with me that when I was found he grabbed me by my hair and chocked me. He was so angry that spittle ran down his lips as he screamed at me.  He called me *itch and *unt. Yelling that I could not do anything right. He kicked me a few times and walked away to bed. I just layed there trying to catch my breath. He called me into the bedroom and I tried not to cry because I knew if I did he would get even more upset! He said come to bed sweetly while lifting up the blankets on my side of the bed. He asked me why I was so upset. It was as though nothing had happened. I started to cry again saying I ws so sorry and I hoped he forgave me for being bad...

No comments:

Post a Comment