I intended to grab a shower, read a bit and then hit the sack but I can't seem to focus. I finished up on here, sent off a few more online applications, but my mind doesn't want to shut itself down. Dang it! I have so many thoughts racing around thoughts of things past and things to come. Could be the mini dance fest the girls and I had. Or perhaps just due to the mini nap I had earlier.
I was looking at some old blogs from way back in '07. I had some from the early 2000's too somewhere around here. I wasn't as vocal on those, I did a sneaky thing though! I would write what I really wanted to say and print them out and then hide them for safe keeping. Then I would go back and edit before I published them.
An excerpt from July 5th 2007
She had moved in, she was in a terrible relationship. Not wanting to see her dead or worse He asked her to move in. One thing led to another and they were crazy about each other. We had talked about this in the past and I thought we put this behind us. He was getting mean again, playing with my head. Threatening to hurt me, stop taking his pills or turn off the pilot light so we would die in our sleep...
I got dressed fast, I had been in the bathroom. He shut the bedroom door where She was and pushed me up the stairs he pulled my hair back as we were walking up the stairs, he was behind me so yes this was very uncomfortable. He pulled it so hard I swore I must have lost chunks of hair. He guided me to the bedroom and once we were there he ordered me to drop my pants... I was going to get *ucked since that was all I was good for.I told him no! He got mad! He grabbed me and shoved my face into the bed, I thought I was going to suffocate! I told him no again and he got madder he shoved some things around the room and left. I stood there for a minute breathless not wanting to move or to cry. Luckily he only ripped my shirt, I was used to that, I would go through clothing like a growing child. I was nervous because I stood up to him and didn't know his reaction. I tried to act normal but she knew something had happened.
The kids thought that their fatherwas nice only when she and her girls were around. My son thought his Dad was a perv. And he reminded me that his Dad had promised not to hurt me or yell at me anymore. He broke that promise in jsut a few short weeks.
My husband was giving me grief about my weight, I was losing my hair (besides the hair getting pulled out), my nails were breaking, I wasn't feeling good at all. Despite the constant exercise and dieting I felt so worn down and tired all the time.
We talked and he didn't want to lose her, he was in love with her. He did apologize for pulling my hair and ruining another shirt. If I were a good wife why does he need another? I felt like a failure. He said he stumbled and could I please lift him up? We talked more and more.
She didn't come back to the house, we left a ton of messages. She said she turned off her phone while she was at her Moms. Later that nite I asked him to hold me, he tried but said it was better and more natural when he held her. My heart felt ripped out. He hoped she would come home.
He asked if there was someone I would like to date. If I wanted to have another man that was ok. He'll work it out, there was a few guys at work he would ask. I still felt devasated. This isn't supposed to be this way! 2 partners a life long commitment. No Adam, Eve and Jennifer or Adam, Eve, Jennifer and Mike, etc...
I asked him to give me time to adjust , I'm having a hard time watch some lady screw my husband, heaven forbid I leave the room. I kept my eyes closed and just felt my love fade. How could you do that to someone??!!! I feel fat, like the ugly stepsister. He keeps bragging about how pretty she is and how I have so many marks on my body. So many things wrong with my appearance. I don't feel like I have anything to offer. I never make the first move, I never intitate sex. I suddenly felt like there was a scoreboard. He calls her all the time... He used to call me. Now he calls and asks to talk to her.
In a sick twisted way I do like having her around, he's nice when she's around. He doesn't yell and he doesn't say mean things because he's trying to impress her. When I was alone on Fri and Sat he threatened to punch me because I was a little tipsy and laughing too much when his boss had called. He threw his arm back to punch me and that sobered me up really fast. He's not healed he says alot of things but he doesn't mean them. I'm the bitch and the one causing problems...
Wow!! I should have stayed gone. Hindsight is 50/50... There's more but they all sound just as nasty if not worse. Yes the past is past and I'm happy to say I have learned alot. Especially reading these things...
A little about me
- Brook, IN, United States
- Abuse doesn't stop at the court room. Melinda has shared her battles in her life and through the court room as she navigates through the legal system Bringing encouragement, insight and empowerment to those that are in a abusive relationship. She is in the process of creating a new life, speaking engagements to "Break the Silence" of abuse, while putting a face to abuse. She is currently working on writing a book about her experiences as a Survivor.View short Bio here- https://www.patheos.com/blogs/ahappymedium/2013/02/notbrokenbutbrave/