Computers, cell phones and safety revisit

I chatted briefly with someone about her daughters experience with an abusive relationship and how the madness continued after she bravely left. He continued to stalk her, show up at work, threaten her, call/text non-stop. Luckily he was found guilty of stalking and is now serving sentence in another state.

She mentioned that he knew her email, passwords and private contact info. He went through her address book and emailed everyone, sending nasty messages, opening accounts in her name and finding out where her whereabouts were by looking at her message and social media pages. He was able to harass friends and family by pretending he was her.

He also was able to close utilities, credit cards and drained her bank account. He changed all passwords on all accounts, leaving her frustrated, scared and upset.

What would you do? This isn't the first time I have heard of these, I myself have first hand experience and several others have went through similar events.

If you are planning on keeping the computer/laptop. Back it up, use Restore disks that came with your computer and wipe it clean. Use a professional if you need to, but if you have the disks you can do it for free, it just costs you a little time to put install everything. This could save you a lot of financial heartache or physical safety! If you can afford it buy a new computer/laptop/cell phone.

Keystroke programs and GPS tracking are very popular with Abusers so, change ALL passwords for EVERY account. Alert your major credit cards, banks, utilities of your situation. Many businesses will place a password on your account. Contact credit bureaus as well. They can note all strange or pricey purchases and stop whoever it is at the store or online shop.

Turn off any GPS features on your cellphone if it is still tied to your ex. When taking a picture with your phone remember this does let anyone know where you are by mapping coordinates. Change your cell number.

Be smarter then your abuser. Think like a detective. Alert your friends, family, work and places you frequent of the break up. If he/she is stalking you please let police know the situation, don't be afraid to ask them to patrol your area more from time to time. They are not the bad guys! Leave a paper trail of police reports and incidents. (Stalking, harassing calls or numerous text messages)

Be proactive about knowing your surrounding. Let someone know of your whereabouts, even if your running out for gas or for milk. Stop Twittering or Fb or whatever social media outlet you use about who you are seeing or where you are going over the weekend or through your day.

If you plan on moving and are in a legal fight, ask if you can have your address private, or if you leave without telling anyone where you are (Not recommended there are some legal reasons that can have YOU charged as a criminal or if you have kids you could potentially lose them). Since I am not an attorney please ask for legal advice or if you have an advocate that deals in abusive situations please ask protocol.

If the above situation applies to you, get a P.O. Box. Make your phone number unlisted or use a throw away phone that allows your abuser access if you absolutely need to. Give him/her a different email address and let him know that you that you will reply in 24 hrs, unless emergency.

"An emergency on his/her part, does NOT make an emergency for on mine!" Great mantra!

Before you leave make copies of:

Every bills
Paystubs
3 years Income taxes
Birth certificates
Social Security cards
Marriage certificate
Immigration papers
Lawsuit info
Financial accounts
Medical records
Copies of computer back up
Phone lists and addresses
Photos
School records
Insurance- Home, business, auto and health
Keys

Save your pennies and enlist a good friend to keep a stash of cash for you. I was sending my copies and cash to a family member via US Mail before I left.

This is a small list. Please refer to past blog posts on Safety list and Safety. This is YOUR life! Reclaim it! There can be happiness after this. Believe and have Faith!

God bless!
Prayers for you Dear Blog reader and for those that are standing by someone that is in a abusive situation.

Love and Light,
Mel

Get over it already!

It can be quite easy for someone that hasn't walked in your shoes to tell you how you should feel. Whether it is a few weeks or months or maybe years since you have been through your abuse.

Everyone seems to have an opinion on when you should been done healing or they may ask you why you feel compelled to keep bringing up the subject of your past.

"Why can't you just drop it?"
"Why don't you just move on already?"

You may get some eye rolling or deep sighs from the person you are sharing your feelings with. Soon, you just clam up holding so many of the hurts inside.

It can be very hard for somebody else to understand the in's, out's up's and down's of being a victim or a survivor of abuse of any sort. I've gotten... "I understand" when I know the person had never been effected directly or indirectly by abuse. There has been times I wanted to shout, "How could you?!" or "Seriously?!", I do tuck those aside as most people do not really know how to answer or help when there is a situation that is out of the norm.

People love to give advice or hear gossip, but when it is something that is outside the normal comfort zone you can have problems.You finally open up to someone that may have pestered you for what is going on in your life and you may leave them dumbfounded, amazed or speechless.

I can't prepare you for what is going to happen during your journey (Hopefully you are on the path of healing and safety). I can share my own opinions and they seem to have really evolved since I began this incredible path that has been filled stumbling blocks, set-backs, fear, discouragement, joy, happiness, hope and faith.

I've mentioned many times that it isn't easy to leave an abuser. There is no abuse worse then another. There is not right or wrong time to make the jump to leave or kick him/her out. You will know in your heart, things will fall into place that point to what the right decision for you is.

I have read many cases where the abuser is using drugs or alcohol and once they get off the habit the person changes into a great person with no other patterns of abuse. Now, these are very rare and slim chances. I do not want to give anyone a reason to stay with their abuser for hope of change. I do not want to say one way or another this will work for every substance abuse relationship. If it does or did that is terrific! Blessings to you and your partner!

I also do not want to say that something earth shattering may happen to your abuser and they will forever change their behavior for the better. Put that aside. Think about you. Your abuser no matter what the situation is responsible for his/her behavior. Take off your Mom/Dad cap and let this person know or let them go to make the decisions they need to make for the path they want to keep on.

You need to think about you.

Ask yourself a few questions:

Where do you see yourself in a year?
Alive? Dead from your abuser or suicide?

Will you still be in the same relationship? Maybe feeling stuck or scared or hopeless.

What do you want out of life?

Do you honestly want to live the rest of your life this way? (Scared or suffering?)

If you have children, please think of them. If you see that one of your children maybe seeing someone that is abusive or may themselves be an abuser what would you do? Our children do have a tendency to pick up the abusive patterns. The amazing transformation of a broken spirit can be awesome! It doesn't happen overnight, so please do not shake your head and think that I must be smoking funny cigarettes because it has been years since you may have left your abuser and your child maybe pretty rough around the edges.

It may take years of counseling or talking to caring friends or family to heal. Children seem to have a tougher time healing after an abusive relationship. They are too immature to explain or vent about how the abuse affected them. Don't be surprised to see aggression, confusion, head banging, running away, verbal abuse, cutting, crying, depression, anxieties, withdrawing from you and more.

Like yourself, they need time to heal. Healing is slow. It can be frustrating. And that is my professional opinion as a Jack of all trades. I am not a therapist or counselor. I have read much on the subject, spoke to various professionals (Legal and Medical) and of course my own first hand experience.

The raw emotions in the beginning after leaving the abusive relationship are very strong! They can be overwhelming! (I never did wear the Rudolph the booger nose reindeer look well) Believe or not they will pass as time goes by. And if you plan to live a charmed life soon after leaving your abuser, though that sounds lovely, in reality you may be dealing with someone that threatens your life or your children or is stalking you and the legal circus could have you in tears.

So my Dear Blog reader, I am not sharing any of this to intimidate you, or cause you to think, "Maybe I'll just stay with Joe/Jane Doe to save myself the trouble or problems."

The road to recovery and freedom from abuse by far outweighs where you are now. Knowing that you can survive from this and you will survive should inspire you to stay strong.

OK, enough of the pep talks! If you are in a super volatile situation, consider bringing in the police. Contact a shelter or check with your state or country about legal help in these matters, especially if you have children together! Safety is the primary concern!

Please check out previous posts about Safety or Leaving your abuser for suggestions or tips.

Stay safe and God bless!
Mel

Positive thoughts and affirmations!

It can be easy to slip right back into old habits or patterns once you have left your abuser. 

Sometimes these things just sneak up on you! 

Beating yourself up about these setbacks can really make you out of sorts. 

 Changing your triggers or patterns is work. 

Take baby steps and if you fall pick yourself back up.

Get yourself out of the house or try to focus on something positive.

I am a firm believer in trying something new or out of the box that may be something you have always been curious about or to do. 

Such as, taking up a hobby, traveling, or just doing something for you. 

Pray or meditate or do both. Create a Vision Board (Wish board). Start saying Positive Affirmations. Find Bible quotes that can lift you up! 

Tape yourself saying positive affirmations or Bible verses, play these when you need to remind you that you are worthy! 

Here is a neat list of affirmations and positive thoughts-

Kristy Robinett- http://www.kristyrobinett.com/

Give yourself permission to keep boundaries. Not just today, but everyday.

Peace doesn't mean silence, but finding that calmness within even when their is chaos around you.

Be gentle with yourself.

Faith begins with trust and trust begins with a hope. Hope in the unseen and of things to come, faith tells you.

 

Today my world is changing for the better. I open my awareness to my shifting reality. I allow my intuition to guide my actions to day with trust that I am guided toward my highest good.

Never be ashamed of the scars that life has left you with. A scar means the hurt is over, you endured the pain and God has healed you.

Beating yourself up over the past won't change it, now will it?

Morning Meditation-  Silence in your life is just as important as hydrating yourself with water. It is an essential in keeping your soul and spirit healthy. When was the last time you allowed your mind to wander and daydream? Today, even for just 5 minutes, allow in the silence. Shut everything off (TV, radio, net), etc and drink it in.

My possibilities are endless. I believe in myself and in my abilities. My mind is constantly producing money-making ideas. I expect great things to happen every day. My subconscious mind is my partner in success. I am brave.

www.BlogTalkRadio.com/christina-lunden

I know now I AM the creator of my life.

I create a balance between my family's needs and my personal needs.

I create a balanced, healthy body.

I create a balance between my work life and my personal life.

I create a perfect balance of money flowing into and out of my life.

I create a balance between my Earth life and my spiritual life.

I AM consciously creating all aspects of my life.

I AM relaxed in my created life, knowing what I have in my life are my choices.

As I choose to create something different, I remember I have the power to create and re-create at any time.

I AM the creator of my life!

http://www.abundancetapestry.com/101-affirmations-for-children/

101 Affirmations for Children
1. I can do whatever I focus my mind on.
2. I am awesome.
3. I am very intelligent.
4. I am a fast learner.
5. I am worthy.
6. I deeply love and accept myself.
7. I enjoy learning.
8. Learning is fun and exciting.
9. I understand the lessons taught in school completely and quickly.
10. I believe in myself and my abilities.
11. While I appreciate details, I am able to also see the big picture in things.
12. I have many gifts and talents.
13. I learn from my challenges and can always find ways to overcome them.
14. I am open to possibility.
15. I embrace my fears fully and calmly.
16. I make like-minded friends easily and naturally.
17. I am healthy and am growing up well.
18. I have persistence in what I believe in.
19. Miracles happen to me all the time.
20. I am very creative.
21. Ideas for problem solving come easily and quickly to me.
22. I am a great listener.
23. My family, friends and teachers love me for who I am.
24. I am unique and special.
25. Opportunities come to me in good time.
26. I may make mistakes sometimes but I choose to learn from them.
27. I accept myself even though I sometimes make mistakes.
28. Every day and in every way, I get better and better.
29. My intuition guides me in what I do.
30. I am calm, relaxed and peaceful.
31. I am always in the right place at the right time.
32. I enjoy being, feeling and thinking positive.
33. Problems challenge me to better myself in every way.
34. I trust myself in making great decisions.
35. I am loving kindness to all.
36. I do my best in my work and tasks.
37. I am present.
38. I trust in my ability to solve problems.
39. I enjoy my own company.
40. I accept compliments graciously and openly.
41. I am whole and complete.
42. I enjoy trying new ideas.
43. I embrace changes in peaceful, harmonious and positive ways.
44. I believe I can be whatever I want to be.
45. I can visualize very well.
46. I am vibrant and have lots of energy.
47. I am divinely protected.
48. I am kind, generous and loving.
49. I complete my school work on time every day.
50. I am deserving of love, trust and kindness.
51. I achieve great and successful results.
52. I am brave.
53. I experience beauty wherever I go.
54. I have got an awesome imagination.
55. I am able to solve problems creatively.
56. All is well in the world.
57. I am thankful for my blessings.
58. I have a healthy relationship with my teachers.
59. I choose to forgive all others for any mistakes they have done.
60. I feel confident and secure.
61. I enjoy letting events unfold in good time.
62. I have loving, positive and happy thoughts.
63. I express my ideas easily.
64. I am courageous even when things are unknown to me.
65. I reach my goals easily.
66. I am in charge of my own life.
67. I enjoy playing games with my friends.
68. I am gentle with myself.
69. I have many friends who like being near me.
70. The trees, flowers and birds are my friends.
71. I radiate love and compassion.
72. Miracles happen to me every day.
73. I am on my way to creating great wealth.
74. I am excellent in languages.
75. I am quick and accurate with Mathematics.
76. I am able to analyze and see clearly for problem solving.
77. I read, write and learn fast.
78. I absorb knowledge like a sponge and am able to apply what I have learnt.
79. I do my best for my studies.
80. I am attentive in class.
81. I am a natural in _________ (sports).
82. I am on top of my classes.
83. I enjoy challenging myself in new ideas, possibilities and directions.
84. I am a winner!
85. I turn failures into opportunities for success.
86. I handle all my responsibilities and tasks well.
87. I enjoy eating healthy snacks.
88. I love my body.
89. I am honest and trustworthy.
90. I choose to look for the best way forward for myself.
91. I am able to understand and solve complex problem sums or questions easily.
92. I enjoy experiencing life in multiple ways.
93. I love being healthy!
94. I manage my time well.
95. I like being punctual.
96. I enjoy having habits that will help me have a happy, healthy and successful life.
97. I listen to my gut or inner wisdom closely.
98. I am able to easily draw inspiration from nature and life.
99. I believe in my dreams.
100. I have an excellent memory.
101. I am Me, and I am Okay! (Words quoted from Self Esteem Poem by Psychologist Virginia Satir. Featured in my How to Love Yourself post here).

List of Positive Words

http://www.scribd.com/doc/4097251/A-to-Z-of-Positive-Words

Don't forget to check out the labels for other ideas for Positive Affirmations/Vision Boards!

Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!

Mel

Local paper interview!

It is finally published! (The Lowell Tribune- Lowell, IN) What can I say? I'm at a loss. There was a few things I wished I had said different, or added. All and all this is a stepping stone for me to start working on my book.

I do find myself putting it off for anxiety reasons but know that it will be good therapy and I'm not really doing it for me. I am doing it to share my story so other women or men know they aren't alone in they're struggle for safety.

Don't lose hope! Educate yourself the best you can. It is easy to feel sad, hopeless, angry or defeated. The roller coaster of emotions can send some back to the abuser so many have desperately tried to escape for fear of financial ruin, no home or feeling alone.

You can also have feelings of regret, or empathy for your abuser. Your not weird about feeling these things. I struggled with these issues for many years and even after I left for good in 2009, I still felt those things and more. The swirl of emotions can boggle your mind.

Be patient with yourself during this whole process. Be patient with the legal/immigration system. If you have kids, please be patient with them! Remember they are hurting and depending on the age, they may be as twitterpated as you are. Unlike adults, children have a different way of coping with separation and abuse (Any type of abuse).

Some children may become hermits or loners. Others may become aggressive, violent or mouthy. They may use language or behavior that is a opposite how they used to act. I'm not saying this is OK behavior. It's not but you need to understand you are not alone during what seems like a dark time in your life.

It can be hard to keep it together and keep a straight face or positive outlook. Pushing your children away at this time is not a good idea. Remind they that none of this is any fault of theirs. If you need to locate services in your area to get counseling for you and your children. 

Stay safe!
BIG HUGS and PRAYERS!
Mel

Safety plan revisit

I'm now one of those survival geeky types that browses "Youtube" for new ideas on how to simplify "Go bags" or "Go kits". It is amazing what you can fit in an Altoid or candy tin!

OK, Mel, where are you going with this?

If you can't take a "Go bag" due to heighten awareness of your abuser, how about a candy tin?

Maybe your abuser took your cell phone. Do you know phone numbers for your emergency contact? Do you have a paper phone book? Knowing a phone number for your friends and family is a lost art. It's up there with snail mail, so gathering numbers for someone in an emergency is important!

Since you may not be able to tailor a "Go bag or Kit", gather a small amount of items for your candy tin survival kit. A small list of phone numbers can be placed on the lid of your kit, band-aid, spare car key or house key (If your abuser locks you out or takes your keys), change for a pay phone/phone card, mini flash light, tiny knife, birthday candles... The list can go on and on. Tailor it to your needs for an emergency. This doesn't have to be just for an abusive situation.

Keep it in your glove box of your car or it's small enough for your purse. Cover your bases!

I had been in a situation when I was with my abuser in which he cut my driver license, debit card and took my house/car keys, he took all of the bills/cash/checkbook in the house too. I felt like a prisoner. I think of the "should have done's and could have done's" now.

The point of this rambling is to be pro-active in your safety. HAVE A PLAN. I would like you to feel empowered rather then a victim in your situation.

Stay safe!
God bless!

Mel

My story is getting out!

This year has been very inspiring, up-lifting and encouraging to me.

I had the privilege of having my bio run on Patheos from a request by a dear strong woman that had experienced abuse in her marriage. I appreciate her kindness as well as her perseverance to over-come that to become a successful business owner, Author, and Radio/TV personality. She was one of my cheerleaders from the beginning of my journey. You can find her uplifting blog and my bio here- http://www.patheos.com/blogs/ahappymedium/2013/02/notbrokenbutbrave/

I was equally blessed to run into a woman covering a story about a CPR class a few months back. I did ask if she (Or the paper) maybe interested in covering a story about DV. I gave her my email and she did contact me about doing the interview (I may have already wrote about this but I have Mommy brain, please excuse me!). I am happy to say that it will be out tomorrow in the local paper-
http://www.thelowelltribune.com .

Of course this has brought some unforeseen physical issues with me. some parts of my body have started twitching. I felt a panic attack come on this morning, luckily I was able to talk myself through it and my kids reassured me everything was OK. Terry and I went to an auction today that totally took my mind off things. I was lucky to score some cool things for our next "Hoard sale".

Normalcy

There I said it! I'm longing for that time when I have no worries about crazy ex stuff. A friend bumped into my ex, which made for a uncomfortable time for the person as my ex started saying nasty and the usual ravings about how awful I am.  

Some things never change. . .

I have been hemming and hawing writing my story. I can blog all day long, but stepping into the Author arena is scary. I believe it needs to be told but saying it out loud is easier. I'm not sure why.

And no, I didn't drink before this picture was taken. HAHA!

Blessings! Stay safe!
Mel

What does abuse look like?

I had a brief chat with a woman from work. I mentioned that she was being abused and her reply was "Oh, my partner doesn't beat me.".

That made me think...

What do people think abuse is?
What does abuse look like?

Abuse does not "have" to be physical to be abuse.

Abuse can be sexual.
Abuse can be emotional.
Abuse can be mental.
Abuse can be financial.
Abuse does not discriminate!

Abuse can happen to:
The Old, the young, middle age, men, women, children.

Abuse can happen at:

Home or the workplace

Abuse can happen to you!

*Are you in a volatile situation or know someone that is? Please refer to the Safety plan or Safety label for more information"

Stay safe!

Blessings and prayers!
Mel